We spent the 4th at the lake with Mark's family and the group of babies that would have been Tylers age. There are 3 babies that were around the same age as Tyler would have been - 1 born the day after he was and 1 that was born right around the time he would have been. Those girls have brought more joy to my heart and I love to see them. This sounds creepier than it is, but it's like I get to see Tyler grow up through them. I still can't help but wonder what he would've been like - would he have been like Lily with the huge personality, or quiet and timid like Molly, or just laid back and cuddly like Klaire? Would he have been like Gunner? It's not with sadness that I wonder but more of a curiosity about him. I miss him everyday, but I am also so in love with Gunner. Those things are like oil and water it seems like. They are so conflicting and its weird and almost impossible to feel them at the same time.
Sunday is the day that was his due date and I'm surprised at how emotional this month has been for me. February is my time to remember and celebrate him and anyway, if he had lived, he wouldn't have been born in July. I wonder if the beginning of July will always suck. It's not a conscious thing, it's like my mind and body just know- kind of like the first several months they remembered before I did that it was a Thursday or a Monday.
Oh and I've solved the mystery of what to call the day the baby died - Heaven Day (I admit that I didn't make that up, I stole it from someone else but I can't remember who). It sure beats "dead baby day" and "angelversary". It may still offend the few that don't believe in heaven, but they're on their own, it's the best I can come up with! It may just be me, but I feel a huge relief to have a name for it, now if Hallmark only had a card . . .
