Whoa

I got out the rest of the ornaments for our tree today and when I came across Tyler's, I had a total breakdown. He should be here, there should be more to him than just an ornament on the tree. I couldn't even hang it up - Ranger did it for me. I don't know where this came from, I usually don't think about it that way but it had hit me really hard this year that he's not here.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Abiding Hope Collage

Thanks Franchesca!! I love it! I have great plans for this, now I just need to figure out how to do it! haha Check her out at Abiding Hope Collages She makes these in memory of her sweet daughter Jenna Belle.

Hello again

I know it's been forever since I have blogged. I have so much I've wanted to say but just haven't had the time to sit down and go there. My Grandmommy's death has affected me a lot more that I expected. Just in that funky place of not being able to handle any crap. Anyway, I was in the Apple store getting my phone fixed today and the lady next to me was having problems with the pictures on her computer. I look up and see a picture that was obviously a dead baby. It caught me so off guard and I can't even put words to the feelings I had. She must have been a photographer b/c she was very nonchalant about it and it just didn't seem like it was hers. I wanted so much to talk to her and hear the story and tell her how precious those pictures would always be to the mom. But, of course, I didn't. I was already a mess and I knew I couldn't talk to her without crying but I really wish I could have. Just a really odd thing to be going about your day and encounter something like that.


-- Post From My iPhone

Article

I just read this on msn and thought I'd share
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32659135/ns/today-today_health/

Guilt/Anxiety

I had my tub.es tied 2 weeks ago and I feel so horrible for doing it. I don't regret it at all but there are so many of my friends who want babies so bad and aren't getting them. It's not fair. I'm somewhat embarrassed. It's one of those things that will jab someones hurting heart and I hate it. But I guess it's better than the jab would be if I got pg again and had a nervous breakdown over it! Then I found out that all this time I've only had 1 tube and the good one had endome.triosis and other stuff on it. All 4 of my kids were miracles (I already knew that in other ways). I don't think there's any way I should have gotten pg so easy. Why did I get 4 when all some people want is 1? know this probably doesn't make any sense but I had to get it off my chest. I guess I'm feeling something kind of like survivors guilt and an embarrassment of riches.
The reason I had it done can be summed up in 1 word- anxiety. I lived in constant fear of getting pg again and I just can't do it again. Anxiety seems to be my new friend these days whether it's over me, my kids, my husband or friends. I have 2 close irl friends and a bloggy friend that are pg and I am literally sick when I think about them and hoping that they are ok. Man, I need to get a grip! Life is wonderful don't get me wrong, this is just my place to let out all the deep dark stuff. Please check in on the happy side too www.shipmankids.blogspot.com


-- Post From My iPhone

Bits and Pieces

Wow! This scripure was the Daily E-votional today and it really jumped out at me.

Isaiah 30:20-21
“Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’ ”

In the days/weeks/months and now year since Tyler has been gone the Lord has really guided me. There are so many times that I had questions, doubts, or just needed encouragement He sent someone or something right into my path that was exactly what I needed. He used the Daily E-votionals, blog friends, songs, verses, sermons and friends to lead me in the way He wanted me to go. I am very blessed and thankful to be where I am today and that He opened my eyes to what He wanted me to see.

I think Gunner sees Tyler. No I'm not crazy. I believe in angels (I don't believe Tyler is an angel) and spirits. In working with special needs kids all these years, I am convinced that they see things that we can't - not in a supernatural ghost kind of way but a spiritual way. Anyway, there are times that Gunner looks off to nowhere and will smile and laugh a huge laugh. I think it's from his brother.

All the boys were in bed with me this morning - Ranger and Danner love coming in to see Gunner in the mornings. He is so happy and talkative then and the boys eat it up. This morning out of nowhere Ranger said "I'm glad Gunner didn't die!" Me too Ranger, me too.

Please pray for my friend Hannah. She lost a precious girl last year and is now pregnant with another baby girl that is not going to make it. I cannot express with words how I ache for what she's going through. It's completely devastating and so not fair. Keep her and her family in your thoughts please.

Just Wondering . . .

We spent the 4th at the lake with Mark's family and the group of babies that would have been Tylers age. There are 3 babies that were around the same age as Tyler would have been - 1 born the day after he was and 1 that was born right around the time he would have been. Those girls have brought more joy to my heart and I love to see them. This sounds creepier than it is, but it's like I get to see Tyler grow up through them. I still can't help but wonder what he would've been like - would he have been like Lily with the huge personality, or quiet and timid like Molly, or just laid back and cuddly like Klaire? Would he have been like Gunner? It's not with sadness that I wonder but more of a curiosity about him. I miss him everyday, but I am also so in love with Gunner. Those things are like oil and water it seems like. They are so conflicting and its weird and almost impossible to feel them at the same time.
Sunday is the day that was his due date and I'm surprised at how emotional this month has been for me. February is my time to remember and celebrate him and anyway, if he had lived, he wouldn't have been born in July. I wonder if the beginning of July will always suck. It's not a conscious thing, it's like my mind and body just know- kind of like the first several months they remembered before I did that it was a Thursday or a Monday.
Oh and I've solved the mystery of what to call the day the baby died - Heaven Day (I admit that I didn't make that up, I stole it from someone else but I can't remember who). It sure beats "dead baby day" and "angelversary". It may still offend the few that don't believe in heaven, but they're on their own, it's the best I can come up with! It may just be me, but I feel a huge relief to have a name for it, now if Hallmark only had a card . . .

I just realized that if Tyler had lived, his first birthday would have been somewhere around now. That's a very disconcerting thought now that Gunner is here because if Tyler were here, he wouldn't be. That overlap is hard - I love them both so much. It's so easy to get sucked into the "what ifs" - What if Tyler had lived? What if I had to choose between them? Well, he didn't and I don't. I can miss Tyler and love Gunner and shouldn't feel bad about it. This is the way it turned out, the way God planned it. Maybe that will sink in eventually, but for now I sit here and hold one baby that I have been so incredibly blessed with and am completely in love with while missing another one I love just as much and feel a little guilty (?) about both

Vent on a totally unrelated topic

Ok I'm pissed - really pissed. Well, that's not really the right word and I don't know what is. I'm sure that most of you DeadBabyMamas know exactly what I'm going to talk about, but I'm not mentioning the name because I don't want to get dragged into the drama.
I was one of the suckers that got sucked into a blog s.c.a.m. She was supposedly due the day after I was so I felt a connection to her that her life as she knew it was ending and the same time I felt mine was restarting. It was all a bunch of crap. She cruised blogs trying to recruit readers in order to increase blog traffic and as a result lots of money from her own blog. It seems like she was really paying attention to all the loss blogs because she knew exactly what to say in hers. I never doubted for a minute that it was real until it all stopped (I told you I was a sucker - big time). I even emailed her at one point to share some thoughts and scripture with her. I can't believe someone would use God in a way like that. She's got to be really sick to do something that brazen. It's just disgusting that she had thousands of people all over the world praying for her dying baby and it was all just a game.
I know my prayers weren't wasted though b/c in all my newfound "prayer wisdom" ;) I was praying for God's will to be done in this situation and I truly believe it will be. If I were her, I'd start trying to get right with Him now b/c she's in big trouble.
I just cannot believe someone would act like a Christian and talk all the talk as part of a scam. I feel horrible for everyone like me who let her in through that crack in their hearts, especially for her poor friend that she just royally screwed. They all still need prayers and I'm going to do it but it is so hard. Sick. Disgusting. Twisted. I really hope that she doesn't ever have to feel 1/2 the pain she was faking (ok, well maybe honestly sometimes I do)

And I won't even start on the poor girl who lashed out at those of us who have other children. It doesn't matter if you have 0 kids or 150, the pain of losing them is just the same and if you have 0 or 150, every situation is unique and has it's own pain. None better, none worse. There is no optimal dead baby situation. I know she was hurting and that's why she said it and that's why I'm venting her and not at her

Ugh.

Sweet Boys

While we were on our way home from school today Danner started talking about where he was when I told him Tyler was dead (he was way off, but anyway). Then they wanted to know how we knew he was dead and then Ranger said he was sad Tyler wasn't here. I told them I was too, but I am happy that we have Gunner. Danner said yeah "God sent him here fast so we could have a little brother since Tyler died and he knew we wanted a brother". I LOVE these moments with them!! We were also praying last night and I was thanking God for my 3 precious boys and Ranger corrected me and said 4. I really need to watch that because I don't want them to think that I have forgotten him.

Beautiful Song

Nicol Sponberg of the group Selah lost her son Luke to SIDS last year. She is singing a beautiful song on this video that I think will be on her solo album when it's released. Get the Kleenex, I promise you'll need it (especially if you look at the pictures and listen - I couldn't)
http://thelukesponbergfoundation.blogspot.com/2009/05/71-days.html

Came across this post today too - http://sufficientgrace-kelly.blogspot.com/2009/05/what-matters.html

One of these days when I can sleep and my brain is functioning, I may write my own post instead of stealing from everyone else! Oh well, it's good stuff anyway!

Rainbow wrapped in a rainbow. Just wanted to share this picture of Gunner wrapped in his special rainbow blanket. Thank you K, I can't think of a more perfect gift!

Here are a few things that seem to put words with how I'm feeling right now. This is a Martina McBride song that I've heard a million times and I guess the words just now caught me:

"God is great, but life ain't always good. Sometimes when I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should, but I do it anyway"

This is a quote my mom just gave me from her Beth Moore study Living Beyond Yourself " . . . their son was not theirs to keep, but the cherished things God revealed to them through his life and death belong to them forever" That is so true for me.

This is a tile I had made at http://www.engravedeuniques.com/ Kaye was absolutely wonderful to deal with. I saw the idea on Stellan's name gallery and she changed it to Tyler's name. The verse is from Psalm 139:16 and I cannot tell you how special this is to me. Please feel free to copy it and order one if you like it. She can do any kind of custom order, I just emailed her and told her what I wanted and had it within a few days!
I have so many thoughts running through my head, but don't have the time and frankly, am too exhausted to think to much or deep enough to make a coherent post about it. I'm realizing that being pregnant was a lot more mentally and emotionally draining that I had realized. I'm doing fine and am actually more content than I can ever remember feeling - I'm just really. really. tired. really. Hopefully this weekend I will be able to get on my family blog and update more about Gunner so check it out. (I painted his walls GREEN! ;)

Scattered Thoughts

The first week with Gunner was amazing! Despite his problems with jaundice and needing to be under the lights and make a few early morning Dr visits, I have loved every minute with him. I cannot tell you how great it felt to leave the hospital with a baby instead of just a box. It makes all the struggles of the last 18 months not seem as dark anymore and it feels like life has started moving again (or really that I have started moving with life again).

Now, though, fear has started creeping in again. This all seems so surreal and it scares me that something could still happen to Gunner - not that it's likely or really even in my control. He's not sleeping well at night so the other night I put him down on his tummy and almost had an anxiety attack. I just couldn't do it. The good thing is that I'm not taking anything for granted - I can't look at him or hold him enough, and no wishing away the sleepless nights and tummy aches. For the first time in my life I am content in the moment

I was holding Gunner the other day and Danner said "he reminds me of someone very special we lost" I asked who and he said Tyler. Every one in awhile they will ask if I think Tyler would have looked like him or if he would have made that face or noise. It really amazes me how much they love the brother that they never got to meet.

I've been working on this post for almost 2 weeks and it just keeps getting more random as I hear and read things I want to add. I'm going to quit trying to find the time to really sit down and get some thoughts out b/c I don't think that is going to happen any time soon. Here are a few blog posts that really have touched me recently.

"The Lord makes each of our children just as He sees fit. Some have red hair, some blonde, some have blue eyes and some brown, some have hot tempers, while others are mild mannered. Some have developmental delays, and some have physical impairments. Some are meant to stay for a long time, and others only a moment. He trusts these children, His children to us as gifts. They are not ours, but His and they each bless us in a different way and take up residence in a different part of our hearts we never knew existed. Even the children who are only with us briefly bless us with immense gifts that will never be erased or forgotten. One doesn't replace another and each one is as valuable as the next. I have been blessed FIVE times. I am still trying to wrap my mind around that and find contentment with the blessings He has bestowed upon me even when there is pain intertwined with the joy. I am learning that feeling joy for the NEW thing the Lord is doing in my life does not replace the loss that I feel daily." - http://babybolte.blogspot.com/2009/05/struggle-with-contentment.html

Gunner is here!!

Ok, sorry everyone - I thought I posted here, but I accidentally posted it on my other blog! I have no idea how to cut and paste, so I'll just give you the link! http://shipmankids.blogspot.com/2009/04/gunner-don-shipman_29.html

More about Prayer

McMama posted this about prayer today and it was too good not to share (isn't it amazing how God works?!)

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/04/why-bother-praying.html

Prayer

I have really been wrestling with prayer lately and exactly how and why we are supposed to pray. I mean, why do we pray and ask for our will when it's His will that will be done? Kind of like my kids can ask me all they want to have brownies for breakfast, they can cry and beg and plead and no way is it ever going to happen.
I've come to realize that my prayers to God have turned into a drive-through window where I place my order with him. Please do this, please do that, help me, give me etc. I think I've been missing the "with thanksgiving" and "humble" parts.
There are so many things that I am praying for right now - for my will to be done in certain situations. It's easy to change my prayers for others - ok God your will be done FOR THEM, but do my stuff my way please.
What happened to ask and you shall receive and all that good stuff? ----

This post has been stuck in "draft" mode for awhile too because I've just been kind of stuck in this area. K posted something on her blog that points out that this may not necessarily mean everything my flesh wants - it the desires of a clean, pure heart that desires God's will. Hmmm
I had a group of friends in college that we all went to church and hung out together all the time. We would all pile in the car after church discussing where we should eat for lunch. We would decide we wanted Black Eyed Pea. Well, the driver would just drive right past and when we complained, would just say "I have a better plan" and proceed to go wherever he wanted! It was so irritating!! Just today, I remembered that and it made me think of God. I can tell Him all I want that I want to eat Black Eyed Pea, but He is driving and He may have a better plan. To be honest, in the end, we always were fed, had a good time and no one was permanently damaged from not getting to pick the lunch place and there were times when we actually went to the place we wanted to go. God is the same way - He has a plan and a will that is perfect even when we may not see it the same way. What does that have to do with prayer? Well, I've realized that praying isn't like giving my wish list to God or placing my order (He knows all of it anyway), but also praying for the ability to accept His will in any situation and for peace and understanding. I don't think He minds us asking for help. There are many times that I can look back on, especially in the last 14 months and see that even though my prayers weren't specifically answered, He did have a better plan and I am so glad that He's in the driver's seat.

Fully Relying on God

My mom sent me an email about this article awhile back - I started a post on it and it has just kind of been stuck in "draft" mode. This article is an interview with a guy whose daughter was shot in a church shooting in Ft Worth several years ago. He had a couple of very interesting quotes

http://www.gosanangelo.com/news/2009/mar/21/terry-mattingly/

This kind of tragedy, said Meredith, is not "something you get over with three points and a poem," a dose of scripture, a verse of "Victory in Jesus" and a proclamation that, "Everything's fine. Let's move on."

"Every day with Jesus is not sweeter than the day before," said Meredith, in a sermon that swung from tears to gospel singing to laughter. "Some days are evil. In fact, the Bible says, 'Stand that you might be able to stand in the evil day.'

"People are going to ask, 'When are you going to get over this?' You're never going to get over this, but by God's grace you're going to get through it. And God will give you joy and peace in the midst of it, in the midst of the tears and the heartache. Have you learned that? You are learning it. It's the praise you give with a broken heart that is the greatest sacrifice you can offer God."

Back in 1999, he said: "If God really loves us, if God is all powerful, why in the world did he let this happen? Why does God allow evil to seemingly abound in this world? Why Columbine? ... Why do a million and a half unborn babies have their lives snuffed out before they have a chance to breathe a breath? Why do children die of hunger daily around the world? Why is there pain? Why is there suffering? Why is there mental illness? ... The question is, 'Where is God when we hurt?'"
The reality is that there is no way to avoid suffering. Thus, the crucial test is whether believers can face trials and tribulations without sliding in despair.

"God never promised us a life without trials. As Americans, we want a carefree and happy life. We think that's God's will for our lives. Get a clue. God's will for your life is to make you into the image of his Son, and that only happens through the heartaches and trials of life."

I don't really have anything else to add except a verse that I read this morning (what a coincidence?) Mark 9:49 "For everyone will be seasoned with fire . . ." The Nelson Study Bible says this about the verse "refers to the trials and judgments that all will face - believers with trials that purify faith"
Thanks Mom!

If you want me to

I just added a new song on my playlist - If You Want Me To by Ginny Owens. I was driving home tonight thinking about Stellan, another baby and my pregnancy and this song came on.
Here are the lyrics, but it's much better if you hear it (it's #1 on the playlist - you can fast forward to it, or click popout and scroll down)
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Chorus: Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone ya oh oh no
So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering
Your love put You through
And I go through the valley
If You want me to

Wow. I really need an attitude adjustment . . .

Miracles

A blog friend of mine wrote awhile back about not getting her miracle because her daughter died. I have a different view on that, but can't really put it into words. Like He usually does - He sends someone else that puts my thoughts into words. Please read these 2 posts about praying to God, trusting in His will and miracles
http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/03/to-him-be-glory.html She got her "miracle" and her baby survived, but is now seriously ill again.

http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2009/03/miracle.html She lost her daughter almost 1 year ago. Her journey is an amazing story of faith and Audrey is still her miracle even though she's not here.

Tyler was/is a miracle. It may not be the miracle I wanted, but it was the miracle that God wanted me to have and I thank Him for it.

I did it

I finished reading the entire Bible today. It's something I committed to do after Tyler died and I feel a real sense of accomplishment in getting it done. I don't know that I understand a whole lot more than I did before, but it's amazing at the way God spoke to me through His word. I don't know how many times I "just happened" to read a verse or passage that I really needed to hear that day. You should try it - it's a real committment, but such an amazing journey.

Ok, we are STILL at a total loss on a name! I've decided that I really don't like Gunner - in the last few weeks, I've seen 2 kids with that name and I really don't want him to end up being Gunner S. forever. I think I'm out on Kyler too - I like the idea of honoring Tyler, but Kyler was just too close. I don't want this baby to think he's a replacement and I'm scared of losing part of Tyler's memory with another name that close. I know that probably won't happen, but I just don't feel it. I have moved on to Keller, but Mark thinks it sounds too girly too. I need ideas and I'm ready to throw the whole -er thing out the window. I want something that's unique, but not too weird. His middle name will be Don so it has to go with that too. Something that starts with K would be nice since my name and my mom's start with K. My brain is fried - PLEASE give me some suggestions! (I don't care if you post anonymous, but you don't get to knock my names unless you give yours!! :)

Crib Pictures

The crib is up! (thanks Dad!) Thank you ebay for the great deal on the bedding! Nothing makes me happier than buying Pottery Barn stuff for dirt cheap!! I really feel ok now that it's up and today, I dug his clothes out of the bottom of my closet and moved them to his closet - baby steps, baby steps. I want to paint his room some cute color, but I am so scared of painting. It seems so permanent and I have problems with being undecisive. (Kristi, want to come on a TX vacation? haha)

Mark and I went and bought his carseat today. We bought the Chicco Keyfit - I really wanted a Graco and hated to spend the $$, but this one seems a little smaller and I think it will fit better in the car and it seems like everything Graco has out right now is really ugly. I'm not big on the 70's brown - Mark just says it's because I'm too old to be shopping for baby stuff! haha I hate to admit that he's right, I'd probably think it was a lot cuter if I was in my 20's!

My friend Sherri is throwing me a shower at the end of this month. I don't really want one, but these are all the friends that were with me when Tyler died and I think they need it as much as I do. Everyone there will know about Tyler and I think that will make me more comfortable about it - why? I don't know! I don't really want to go register though so I'm hoping she forgets about that part!

Being Thankful part 2

My cousin Donna sent me this excerpt from "In this Mountain" awhile back and it's taken me awhile to chew on it and process it. It's pretty powerful stuff. The book is based on a preacher and this is from a sermon that he preached -

"In Everything....Give Thanks!...
Generally, Christians understand that giving thanks is good and right.
Though we don't do it often enough, it's easy to have a grateful heart for food and shelter, love and hope, health and peace. But what about the hard stuff, the stuff that darkens your world and wounds you to the quick? Just what is this "everything" business?
It's the hook, It's the key. Everything is the word on which this whole powerful command from Paul to the thessalonians stands and has its being.
Please don't misunderstand, the word thanks is crucial. But a deeper spiritual truth, I believe lies in giving thanks in ...everything!
In loss of all kinds. In illness. In depression. In grief. In failure. And, of course, in health and peace, success and happiness. In everything.
There'll be times when you wonder how you can possibly thank Him for something that turns your life upside down. Let us, then, at times like these, give thanks on faith alone...obedient, trusting, hoping, believing.
Perhaps you remember the young boy that was kidnapped and beaten and thrown in prison, yet rose up as Joseph the King, ruler of nations, able to say to his brothers, with a spirit of forgiveness, 'You thought evil against me, but God meant it for good, that many lives might be spared'. Better still, remember our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who suffered agonies we can't begin to imagine, fulfilling God's will that you and I might have everlasting life.
Some of us have been in trying circumstances these last months, unsettling, unremitting, even we sometimes think, unbearable. Dear God, we pray, stop this! Fix that! Bless us - and step on it!
I admit to you that although I often thank God for my blessings, even the smallest, I haven't thanked Him for my afflictions.
I know the 5th chapter of Thessalonians pretty well, yet it just hadn't occurred to me to actually take Him up on this notion. I've been too busy begging Him to lead me out of the valley and onto the mountaintop. After all, I have work to do, I have things to accomplish...
I want to tell you that I started thanking Him for something that grieves me deeply. And I'm committed to continue thanking Him in this hard thing no matter how desperate it might become and I'm going to begin looking for the good in it. Whether God caused it or permitted it, we can rest assured - there is great good in it.
Why have I decided to take these four words as a personal commission? Here's the entire 18th verse:
"In everything give thanks...for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."
His will concerning you. His will concerning me. This thing which I've taken as a commission intrigues me. I want to see where it goes, where it leads. I pray you will be called to do the same. Lets look once more at the four words God is saying to us...by looking at what our obedience to them will say to God.
Our obedience will say, "Father, I don't know why You're causing, or allowing this hard thing to happen, but I am going to give thanks in it because You ask me to. I'm going to trust You to have a purpose for it that I can't know and may never know. Bottom line, You're God, - and that's good enough for me." . . .
There are of course many more words in the first letter to the Thessalonians. Here are just a few:
Pray without ceasing.
Abstain from all appearance of evil.
Quench not the Spirit.
These words too contain holy counsel and absolute truth.....

I know I posted awhile back on 1 Thess 5:16-18:

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

This was just too good not to add and I wanted it here so I can always come back and read it. It also reminded me of Pastor Cecil's quote "God said it, I believe it, and that's good enough for me!"

6 more weeks to go! (hopefully)

Ok, so maybe I shouldn't have put neither as an option on the names!! He will probably be Gunner, Kyler or Keller. I still really like Kyler, but I'm not convinced it's a manly name. I also don't want him or anyone else to think that he's Tyler's replacement.
I haven't blogged in awhile - I've got a lot floating around in here, it's just not something I've been able to express. The anxiety has come back full force. I got optimistic and bought his crib and some clothes, but I think it was too much too fast and I just shut down and couldn't even think about it anymore.
I was sitting in church Sunday and was reading James and I came across 2:14-26 and it's about how faith without works is dead faith: faith without deeds is useless; Abraham's faith was made complete by what he did and by his works his faith was made perfect. I need to have faith that God can get this baby here safely and I need to show that I have that faith by my deeds. If I say that I have faith, but continue to live in fear - that's letting Satan take control. So my goal is to get the crib put up this week and to go shopping next week and get the big stuff we're going to need.
I'm reading a book by Jan Karon called "In this Mountain" - it's a fictional book about a preacher that has some really good insights, but it had this quote in it from St Francis de Sales:

Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow, the same everlasting Father
who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day. Either
He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it.

Isaiah 41:10 has also popped up a couple of times in the last few days:

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.

I said at the beginning of this pregnancy that I was just going to enjoy every minute I had so there were no regrets. I have forgotten that - and I need to focus on this baby and give him all the love and excitement he deserves.

Baby Name Test Drive

I put a baby name poll up on the sidebar and I found this "test drive" at babynamegenie.com
It's pretty funny! The genie will also make a name for you - he's not very good though. The best one today was Orion Richard!!

Gunner , could you please set the table?
I am not joking around Gunner , this is really important to me!
Gunner --Gunner ! Are you listening to me!?!
Hello, Wellington Inc. this is Gunner .
Gunner Shipman, come on down! You're the next contestant!
Hey Gunner . How are you doing?
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Gunner Shipman.
Gunner ! Pick up your toys. I am not going to ask you again.
I am at Gunner Shipman's house.
Do you Gunner Shipman take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I talked to Gunner this afternoon.
I am sorry, Gunner isn't here right now. Can I take a message?
You'll have to see Gunner Shipman about that. He will know what to do.
Yes? Gunner ? Do you have a question?
Mr. Shipman, if Gunner would consistently turn his homework in--on time--he would be one of my star pupils.
Would passenger Gunner Shipman please see the nearest ticket agent?
Gunner . Is that you?
And the winner is... Gunner Shipman!
Mommy! Gunner ate my cookie!
Hello, you've reached the voice mail of Gunner Shipman. I am away from my desk right now. Please leave a message and I will return your call as soon as possible.
Gunner , it's not the end of the world. It's just a car. You are more important than a car.
Gunner , I love you!
Write back soon. Your Friend, Gunner
Does Gunner like avocado?
Gunner , it's time for dinner.
Gunner , Shipman. Spelled G-U-N-N-E-R- .
Oh, there you are Gunner . I've been looking all over for you!

Now for Kyler -

Kyler, could you please set the table?
I am not joking around Kyler, this is really important to me!
Kyler--Kyler! Are you listening to me!?!
Hello, Wellington Inc. this is Kyler.
Kyler Shipman, come on down! You're the next contestant!
Hey Kyler. How are you doing?
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Kyler Shipman.
Kyler! Pick up your toys. I am not going to ask you again.
I am at Kyler Shipman's house.
Do you Kyler Shipman take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I talked to Kyler this afternoon.
I am sorry, Kyler isn't here right now. Can I take a message?
You'll have to see Kyler Shipman about that. He will know what to do.
Yes? Kyler? Do you have a question?
Mr. Shipman, if Kyler would consistently turn his homework in--on time--he would be one of my star pupils.
Would passenger Kyler Shipman please see the nearest ticket agent?
Kyler. Is that you?
And the winner is... Kyler Shipman!
Mommy! Kyler ate my cookie!
Hello, you've reached the voice mail of Kyler Shipman. I am away from my desk right now. Please leave a message and I will return your call as soon as possible.
Kyler, it's not the end of the world. It's just a car. You are more important than a car.
Kyler, I love you!
Write back soon. Your Friend, Kyler
Does Kyler like avocado?
Kyler, it's time for dinner.
Kyler, Shipman. Spelled K-Y-L-E-R.
Oh, there you are Kyler. I've been looking all over for you!

Baby Update

I just realized that I never posted the newest pictures of the baby. I went to the Dr last week and he looked great! I am now going every 2 weeks and we are waiting to see if (when) preterm labor will rear it's ugly head. But for now, so far so good.

Here's a picture of the crib quilt I got - I got the rest of the set yesterday and I'll take a picture of it all as soon as I find a crib to put it in!

I was blog-stalking yesterday and I came across this post. She has lost 2 babies and is now pregnant again and this post is about how having a new baby doesn't take away the emptiness left by her boys. It touched me and is very well said so I thought I'd share
http://babybolte.blogspot.com/

Presents

Tyler got presents!! His Granna sent some flowers with a beautiful angel and his Meme, Donna and Kala sent a snowglobe with his name and birthday engraved on it. His daddy named a star after him. He is so loved . . .

Happy Birthday Tyler

I woke up this morning right at 3am which is the time that Tyler was born. It is so amazing how our minds and bodies know that kind of thing. One year ago, I was just starting a journey that I never imagined I would survive. I thought I was going to be lost in the pit forever, but I wasn't. I made it and I am ok. I realized laying there this morning that even though I miss Tyler and wish he was still here, my grief and sadness still aren't for him. He is in the best place possible and will never have to feel the pain and agony of this earth. I, on the other hand, still do. The memories still hurt and so do some of the regrets. I didn't hold him and didn't even look at him. I know that for me, that was for the best, but it is so hard not to look back and wish I had done things differently. What I have realized though, is that there is no perfect way to give birth and say goodbye to a dead baby. No matter what choices you make, there will always be something you wish you did different. I know that God guided those decisions for me and led me to do what would be best in the long run. Just like I know it was God that made Dr C say it was a boy whether he really was or not.
I was talking to Mark about Tyler this morning and he told me that I should just be happy that I made it through this year ok and that we have another baby coming (not that he would replace Tyler, but it's ok to be happy anyway). He's right. I need to look at this year and how much I have grown and overcome. I was reading my Bible yesterday and that pesky verse came up again "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thess 5:21 (?). I have so much to be thankful for, even as much as my heart hurts today.
One thing I am very thankful for, is that now that I look back, I see that God prepared me to handle this. The first thing that comes to mind is back when I was in high school, our band director's baby died right before it was due and his wife still had to give birth. I remember thinking about how hard that would be and how I could never do that. (have you ever noticed that when you say that, you end up having to do it?) I had never heard of anything like that happening before and for some reason, that has stuck in my head all these years. The next thing is a friend of mine had quadruplets and their son Hunter passed away after they were born. They had the most amazing attitude in trusting God and praising him even through the worst of times. I remember realizing that God was taking me on a journey of faith, even though I really didn't understand what that meant. I could see God working through them and helping them make it through that very difficult time of losing a baby, praising God for the others, and having faith that they would be ok. (They are now very healthy, active 2 yr olds!). Then, Mark's aunt Sharon died very suddenly and unexpectedly. Her kids handled it with such grace and peace that it helped me realize the power of God can help you through anything when you lean on him. He planted the seeds before I was even pregnant with Tyler about faith and leaning on him. I didn't understand one bit of it then, but boy I do now.
Tyler, I miss you. You will always have your own special place in my heart. You made such an impact on my life in just the short time that I had with you.
Thank you God for letting me have him and for all of the good you've brought to me through him. Thank you for guiding me and holding me through it all.

I have new pictures of the baby, all is fine. I'll post them tomorrow and just let this be Tyler's day.

It's here (Donna get a tissue)

It's the dreaded 1 year anniversary. One year ago today was the last day of my old life and the old me. I had no idea of what was in store for me. February 7 was the day I found out he was gone. Today was the 1 year anniversary that my friend (IRL - I actually do have a few of those!) Melissa's baby girl was stillborn. I can honestly say that before I lost Tyler, I didn't know what it meant to have your heart really ache for someone else. I ached for Melissa today - for the pain she was feeling, for all the times she replayed and remembered every detail of 1 year ago today, and for the emptiness in her heart that will always be there. Jon Benet Ramsey's dad was on Oprah yesterday and she was asking him if he'd been able to move on and he said something like - yes, you have to, but when your child dies there is a hole in your heart that will always be there. Yes there is.
I can't say that I'm unhappy with the "new" me. I'm not entirely happy with some of the other things that have changed in the last year, but I can't dwell on that. All I can do is continue to thank God every day for leading and holding me through this.
I never imagined that the 1 year mark would reopen so many of the wounds that have been trying so hard to heal. Laying in bed at night, I remember laying in the u/s room like it was yesterday, I remember looking at the screen and realizing there was no heart beating, I remember the tech telling me "we have to talk . . . ", and I remember just repeating over and over "I knew it". I remember feeling so bad for my friends that had to be there for that - and I still do. I remember being numb - I still had to go pick up Ranger from school and he came home with the flu that day (he's sick today too). Mark and I went home and both got on our laptops to see what on earth would happen next. I mean this isn't really something that you have a plan for. That night was my first encounter with DeadBabyMama Land. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't stumbled onto them. There's so much that I remember every little detail and so much that is just a big blur.
When I think about it too long, I get a little mad at myself - I mean, really how could I have not known something was wrong? For pete's sake, I was 18 wks pregnant with my 3rd child and wasn't worried that I hadn't felt ANY movement? (other than the flailing I realized later was probably him dying) I even had a doppler and I just thought it was a piece of crap that didn't work.
I'm rambling - this has just totally knocked me off center and it has surprised me. Once again, I thought I was getting to a good place and was so emotionally healthy and BAM! I'm sure I'll have more to add on his actual birthday - it really bugs me that there is no term for that day. I am determined to come up with an appropriate term for the anniversary of the day someone died.
Please also keep Liz and Michelle in your prayers this week. And Elizabeth - her journey was much longer and harder, but it all started this week too.

Carrot, Egg, or Coffee

A friend of mine forwarded this email to me today and I thought it was worth sharing.

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'
'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes a long their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

I don't know about you, but I needed to hear that today. Thanks Shay!

Thank you, thank you!!

The award states: "These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

Kristi - gave me this wonderful award (and I think she's the one who taught me how to hyperlink). Thanks Kristi and I know this is probably cheating, but I am giving the award to you too. Your blog is one of the highlights of my day. You are a fabulous writer and even better photographer. So many times, you have put what I've been feeling into words that I couldn't. I pray for you daily and wish you nothing but the absolute best!

Angie - will probably never know I gave her this award since she doesn't visit my blog, but she writes the most wonderful blogs. She lost a daughter last year and her love and faith are absolutely inspirational. She has helped me be a better, more Godly mom to my kids. Go check her out.

Holli - Holly lost her daughter Brenna not too long after Tyler died. She has a great outlook and I am so proud of how well she has done in the months since Brenna's death. I know you've already gotten this award Holli, but I appreciate you too!

Beth - For some reason I really connect with what Beth writes. I don't communicate with her much other than commenting on her blog, but I feel like we have a lot in common

Jenny - is one of the dearest friends I've ever had. Her blog has really given me a lot of good insight on my marriage and my relationship with Jesus.

I read tons of blogs, but I don't know how many want me to link them (Jenny and Beth, I hope you don't mind, let me know and I'll unlink you!) but Elsie, Marissa, Leana, and Holly - if you are reading, consider yourselves awarded!

I've finally reached 24 weeks! I don't know why that feels like such a big milestone, but babysteps I guess. I really feel like the guy from "What About Bob" going through each day just repeating "baby steps, baby steps, baby steps" over and over! This has been a really good week. He is moving around quite a bit and I'm feeling pretty optimistic. I don't know if it's faith, or just a few good days. I was reading today about Jesus' death, and if you want to talk about someone not wanting to go where God wanted him to go, I imagine Jesus understands that completely. He went out to pray and begged God to "let this cup pass from me" but then he added "not my will, but yours be done." How much strength it must have taken for him to let it all happen and not put up a fight. It also says an angel appeared to him from heaven, strengthening him (Luke 22:42-43) I know that God will send his strength and help me no matter what path He leads me down.
I have shared so much of the yucky stuff in my life here, I really want to share the good. My kids are a blast and they have a separate blog with all the happy stuff. It's not very interesting, but it's good for a few laughs. (Kristi, you have to go check out my complete lack of photography skills!) http://shipmankids.blogspot.com/

23 weeks!

Last Saturday was the day I'm pretty sure that Tyler died. That was the day I was 15w 1d which is what age they estimated him to be when he was born. I also remember very strange details about that day (which if you know me, you know is odd b/c I don't remember anything!). I remember what I was wearing and I remember just having a weird feeling - not like something was wrong, just a weird feeling. Anyway, since I was a little stressed about it and have been having so much anxiety lately about this pregnancy, I booked an u/s at a 3d place. Mark and the boys went with me and it was a lot of fun. They projected it up on the wall so the boys got a good look at him. Danner said he has a big fat head - which it looked like he did since the image was like 5 ft wide! I've had to work really hard at not looking at the pictures too closely to try to analyze the cord and other things, but it really helped me get excited. We may actually be bringing a baby home in a few months! He's been moving around like crazy and I "saw" him moving yesterday for the first time! (thanks to some sweet tea that led to a panic later on when he wasn't moving like normal, but anyway)
Danner asked me last night if this baby is going to live or die and said that when he gets to heaven, he is going to give Tyler a big hug and kiss. He was sitting on my lap the other day and I told him he was hurting me and he said "I don't want to kill this baby too!" I hate that he has experienced this and even knows to ask those questions, but it also makes me feel really good that he remembers Tyler and loves him.
Right now I'm trying to decide what to do for Tyler's birthday - I don't know if I should do something with the boys or just remember him privately. It feels odd to "celebrate" his birthday when he was not born alive or anywhere close to viability but I do feel that we need to remember him somehow.
I am really struggling with faith right now. I have faith that no matter what happens that God will be with me and it will be ok, but I don't have faith that everything is going to be ok. I had that last time and it wasn't. I'm trying to wrap my mind around Matt 7:7-7 "ask and it will be given unto you . . . for everyone who asks receives" and Matt 21:22 "And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive" just to name a few. Even though I knew deep down that something wasn't right with Tyler, I had 100% faith that he was going to be my full term baby and that he was going to be ok. I prayed for him every day. I am thankful for all the wonderful things that have changed in my life because of his death, but I sure don't want to go there again. God's will is God's will - does He change it just because we ask him to? I just don't know and I seem to be stuck here.

Anxiety

My sweet friend K, has found out that her baby is gone yet again. His name is Collin. I can't imagine having to go through this again, especially on top of 5 other losses. Please keep her in your prayers as she goes down this dark road once again. She is dear to me because she is one of the 2 women that saved me from sinking down into anger and bitterness after I lost Tyler. She encouraged me to find hope and to keep looking for the light. K, my heart truly aches for you today.

I have lost my mind! I am actually happy that I've made it past 20 weeks, so if we lose this baby he will be considered stillborn and not just a miscarriage. Why on earth would that make me happy? I am finding myself really struggling with anxiety lately (even before learning of K's loss). I never thought that making it past the time I lost Tyler would be this scary. There is talk of names, baby showers and the future that makes me want to throw up. I just can't get that far yet. I'm hoping that after I make it past 26 weeks, I'll be able to relax some but I know I won't truly rest until he is here - healthy and alive.

God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. -- Albert Einstein

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." --A. Einstein