I just realized that if Tyler had lived, his first birthday would have been somewhere around now. That's a very disconcerting thought now that Gunner is here because if Tyler were here, he wouldn't be. That overlap is hard - I love them both so much. It's so easy to get sucked into the "what ifs" - What if Tyler had lived? What if I had to choose between them? Well, he didn't and I don't. I can miss Tyler and love Gunner and shouldn't feel bad about it. This is the way it turned out, the way God planned it. Maybe that will sink in eventually, but for now I sit here and hold one baby that I have been so incredibly blessed with and am completely in love with while missing another one I love just as much and feel a little guilty (?) about both