While I was writing my first post today, I was thinking of how I need to keep my eyes on God and the analogy of walking on a tight rope. As long as you look at where you are going, you do fine. It's when you look down and lose focus that you begin to fall. I didn't post that b/c a) I seem to be writing a lot of analogies that make no sense and b) I am way afraid of heights so how would I know how to walk a tightrope? Anyway, I just checked my email, and this was the daily e-votional (http://daily-e-votional.com/). I just love these little things He sends to let me know I'm on the right track. The title is "What are you looking at?" and it's based on this verse
II Corinthians 4:16-17
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”
“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
Last night, I had just re-read Romans 8:18 that says our suffering here can't compare to the glory to be revealed. Isn't it awesome when all of the pieces come together?
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
How God Works pt 2
Here's some more good stuff on how God is working in my life - (I'll try not to get sidetracked like I did on the last post.) My mom asked for a Selah cd one Christmas. That was before my satellite radio and before I really listened to Christian music regularly so I didn't pay much attention to it. Fast forward to May when the former singer of the group lost her newborn son to SIDS. I have thought about her a lot and wondered how she was handling grieving, especially when she is so much more of a public figure. I imagined how tough it would be to face a tragedy like that and have everyone watching to see if you are grieving like a proper Christian woman should. For some reason, I only thought about it in the car and I kept wanting to google her and see if she had written anything and to see exactly what happened. A couple of weeks ago, I gave up remembering and googled from my phone. I saw there that her SIL had lost a baby a very short time before that. Wow! How horrible would that be? I know it's my worst fear to have someone close to me lose a child. I came across her blog (the SIL), but it was too hard to read it on my phone. Of course I forgot, but I finally read her blog the other night and it was AMAZING!! Right after I finished reading, I came here and a reader had posted the link to her site also. God was making sure He had all his bases covered, b/c he knows how I am! In the midst of all of this, I have been really trying to seek out a Christian perspective on all this. I let the devil sneak in and tell me that I wasn't trusting in God enough, I wasn't good enough b/c I still have all these questions blah blah blah. I was really comforted by reading blogs of other Christian women who were having the same struggles too and that it was ok. Angie's blog is so heartfelt and open and her strength is amazing - I know she doesn't see it in herself, but it is. Please go read it. Once you start, you won't be able to stop so find some time, put your feet up and get ready to cry uncontrollably and laugh at the same time. She has a true gift for writing. http://www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
Reading blogs like hers make me feel awful about my writing, but you know, I am just a mom grieving the loss of her son. I'm not a writer and I feel I am just writing what God puts on my heart. I have written before that before this, I never fully understood what it meant to have a relationship with God, to praise him always, to let him hold me and all that other stuff they talk about in church. How do I praise? What does that mean? How do I let Him hold me, when He's not physical? How do I get close to God? Ironically, this was all stuff I really started searching for while I was pregnant with Tyler (ya think it was God? I do) He put people of great faith in my path so I could see that He was capable of amazing things and things no one could imagine were possible. Since Tyler died, I have developed a relationship with God that I never could have imagined before. In my mind, I was kind of patting myself on the back for what a great Christian I have become through this. After reading Angie's blog, I realized that I have more work to do. I have to teach my boys how to have this relatioship and love with God. They go to church, memorize their verses and all of that, but I am not showing them God by the way we live daily. She really inspired me through some very precious stories of her girls to spend more time "teaching" them and showing them what it's like to love God and those around you. One thing she talked about was a question that I still have - why did God stand by and let this happen? We all know He could have healed Tyler so why didn't He? Her earth shattering answer - I don't know. I don't think we will ever know, but I trust in Him and that's all I can do. Thanks Angie and thanks to you other DBM's (DeadBabyMamas) who share your faith and your struggles so openly with me.
I know this is long - I feel like I don't have anything to say until I make myself sit down and write, then a book comes out. I'm not done, but I'm stopping and I'll finish later.
Nicol Sponberg and her family also have a blog about their son Luke (I think it's mainly her husband that writes) http://thelukesponbergfoundation.blogspot.com/
I want to share the happy parts of my life too - I do have joy, this is just the place where I can come and get all this out. I'm not the type that talks about this stuff out loud so it is great for me to be able to get it all out somewhere. My boys are a mess and here is their blog - http://shipmankids.blogspot.com/
Reading blogs like hers make me feel awful about my writing, but you know, I am just a mom grieving the loss of her son. I'm not a writer and I feel I am just writing what God puts on my heart. I have written before that before this, I never fully understood what it meant to have a relationship with God, to praise him always, to let him hold me and all that other stuff they talk about in church. How do I praise? What does that mean? How do I let Him hold me, when He's not physical? How do I get close to God? Ironically, this was all stuff I really started searching for while I was pregnant with Tyler (ya think it was God? I do) He put people of great faith in my path so I could see that He was capable of amazing things and things no one could imagine were possible. Since Tyler died, I have developed a relationship with God that I never could have imagined before. In my mind, I was kind of patting myself on the back for what a great Christian I have become through this. After reading Angie's blog, I realized that I have more work to do. I have to teach my boys how to have this relatioship and love with God. They go to church, memorize their verses and all of that, but I am not showing them God by the way we live daily. She really inspired me through some very precious stories of her girls to spend more time "teaching" them and showing them what it's like to love God and those around you. One thing she talked about was a question that I still have - why did God stand by and let this happen? We all know He could have healed Tyler so why didn't He? Her earth shattering answer - I don't know. I don't think we will ever know, but I trust in Him and that's all I can do. Thanks Angie and thanks to you other DBM's (DeadBabyMamas) who share your faith and your struggles so openly with me.
I know this is long - I feel like I don't have anything to say until I make myself sit down and write, then a book comes out. I'm not done, but I'm stopping and I'll finish later.
Nicol Sponberg and her family also have a blog about their son Luke (I think it's mainly her husband that writes) http://thelukesponbergfoundation.blogspot.com/
I want to share the happy parts of my life too - I do have joy, this is just the place where I can come and get all this out. I'm not the type that talks about this stuff out loud so it is great for me to be able to get it all out somewhere. My boys are a mess and here is their blog - http://shipmankids.blogspot.com/
Music
I am amazed at the way God continues to work in my life. I let Him get close and get all those warm fuzzies, then I let life get in the way and drift back. I am so thankful that lately He hasn't let me get too far away before He reminds me that He's here. I really need to work on keeping my eyes on Him and not everything happening around me.
Anyway, right after Tyler died, Mark bought me a new car that has satellite radio. I cannot tell you how many times God has used the Spirit channel to talk to me (through music :) ). It seems like every time I get in the car, there is a song playing that I really needed to hear. Lately it has been Chris Sligh's "Empty Me" and Meredith Andrew's "You're Not Alone". I've heard both of those songs tons of times and, to be honest, hadn't paid much attention to either one before. The other morning, I was brushing my teeth and the lyrics to "Empty Me" came into my mind. "Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you". When I finally heard the whole song (it came on next time I got in the car hmmm) the rest says
"everything is a lesser thing Compared to you, compared to you. Cause everything is a lesser thing Compared to you. So, I surrender all! "
I really need to surrender me and let God fill me with Him so I can get through my struggles with losing Tyler, with my marriage, and with my shortcomings as a mom. Through all of these struggles, I have also been really lonely and another song that seems like it comes on every 5 minutes is "You're Not Alone". I know that this is a tool that Satan uses against me, and I have to admit I fall for it often. Here are the lyrics"
I search for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone but you found me where I was hiding and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name singing
You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life
You cry yourself to sleep cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend and everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own but there is a sweeter song that calls you home **sayin' You're not alone
For I am here let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one that's love you all your life
All your life
Faithful and true... Forever For my love will carry you.... You're not alone for I... I am here let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life
It is God singing that to me and it brings tears to my eyes and gives me chills just listening to it. Thank you God for never leaving my side and loving me even when I can't see you (or won't).
I also came across a song by Natalie Grant called "Held" (another story of God leading me). This is the chorus, but the whole song is amazing:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive. This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
One more - this one I couldn't find for my playlist, but it's by Selah and the name of it is "Hold On", it is probably one of my very favorite songs.
If you feel today that you can't make it
Keep holdin' on, cause you can take it
If you hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on
If you feel it's raining all in your life
And day by day, there's nothin'
Nothin' going right
Just hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on
Hold on
You gotta hold to His hand
God's unchanging hand
You gotta hold to His hand
God's unchanging hand
You gotta build your hopes on things eternal
My God will never let you down
Weeping may endure for the night
But if you trust in Jesus
Everything's gonna be all right
Just hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on
Hold on
Can you tell I really like music? Do me a favor and stop for a minute and listen to the songs on my playlist - they are there b/c they mean something to me and I hope He will speak to you through them too.
Anyway, right after Tyler died, Mark bought me a new car that has satellite radio. I cannot tell you how many times God has used the Spirit channel to talk to me (through music :) ). It seems like every time I get in the car, there is a song playing that I really needed to hear. Lately it has been Chris Sligh's "Empty Me" and Meredith Andrew's "You're Not Alone". I've heard both of those songs tons of times and, to be honest, hadn't paid much attention to either one before. The other morning, I was brushing my teeth and the lyrics to "Empty Me" came into my mind. "Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you". When I finally heard the whole song (it came on next time I got in the car hmmm) the rest says
"everything is a lesser thing Compared to you, compared to you. Cause everything is a lesser thing Compared to you. So, I surrender all! "
I really need to surrender me and let God fill me with Him so I can get through my struggles with losing Tyler, with my marriage, and with my shortcomings as a mom. Through all of these struggles, I have also been really lonely and another song that seems like it comes on every 5 minutes is "You're Not Alone". I know that this is a tool that Satan uses against me, and I have to admit I fall for it often. Here are the lyrics"
I search for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone but you found me where I was hiding and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name singing
You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life
You cry yourself to sleep cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend and everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own but there is a sweeter song that calls you home **sayin' You're not alone
For I am here let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one that's love you all your life
All your life
Faithful and true... Forever For my love will carry you.... You're not alone for I... I am here let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life
It is God singing that to me and it brings tears to my eyes and gives me chills just listening to it. Thank you God for never leaving my side and loving me even when I can't see you (or won't).
I also came across a song by Natalie Grant called "Held" (another story of God leading me). This is the chorus, but the whole song is amazing:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive. This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
One more - this one I couldn't find for my playlist, but it's by Selah and the name of it is "Hold On", it is probably one of my very favorite songs.
If you feel today that you can't make it
Keep holdin' on, cause you can take it
If you hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on
If you feel it's raining all in your life
And day by day, there's nothin'
Nothin' going right
Just hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on
Hold on
You gotta hold to His hand
God's unchanging hand
You gotta hold to His hand
God's unchanging hand
You gotta build your hopes on things eternal
My God will never let you down
Weeping may endure for the night
But if you trust in Jesus
Everything's gonna be all right
Just hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on
Hold on
Can you tell I really like music? Do me a favor and stop for a minute and listen to the songs on my playlist - they are there b/c they mean something to me and I hope He will speak to you through them too.
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