It's the dreaded 1 year anniversary. One year ago today was the last day of my old life and the old me. I had no idea of what was in store for me. February 7 was the day I found out he was gone. Today was the 1 year anniversary that my friend (IRL - I actually do have a few of those!) Melissa's baby girl was stillborn. I can honestly say that before I lost Tyler, I didn't know what it meant to have your heart really ache for someone else. I ached for Melissa today - for the pain she was feeling, for all the times she replayed and remembered every detail of 1 year ago today, and for the emptiness in her heart that will always be there. Jon Benet Ramsey's dad was on Oprah yesterday and she was asking him if he'd been able to move on and he said something like - yes, you have to, but when your child dies there is a hole in your heart that will always be there. Yes there is.
I can't say that I'm unhappy with the "new" me. I'm not entirely happy with some of the other things that have changed in the last year, but I can't dwell on that. All I can do is continue to thank God every day for leading and holding me through this.
I never imagined that the 1 year mark would reopen so many of the wounds that have been trying so hard to heal. Laying in bed at night, I remember laying in the u/s room like it was yesterday, I remember looking at the screen and realizing there was no heart beating, I remember the tech telling me "we have to talk . . . ", and I remember just repeating over and over "I knew it". I remember feeling so bad for my friends that had to be there for that - and I still do. I remember being numb - I still had to go pick up Ranger from school and he came home with the flu that day (he's sick today too). Mark and I went home and both got on our laptops to see what on earth would happen next. I mean this isn't really something that you have a plan for. That night was my first encounter with DeadBabyMama Land. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't stumbled onto them. There's so much that I remember every little detail and so much that is just a big blur.
When I think about it too long, I get a little mad at myself - I mean, really how could I have not known something was wrong? For pete's sake, I was 18 wks pregnant with my 3rd child and wasn't worried that I hadn't felt ANY movement? (other than the flailing I realized later was probably him dying) I even had a doppler and I just thought it was a piece of crap that didn't work.
I'm rambling - this has just totally knocked me off center and it has surprised me. Once again, I thought I was getting to a good place and was so emotionally healthy and BAM! I'm sure I'll have more to add on his actual birthday - it really bugs me that there is no term for that day. I am determined to come up with an appropriate term for the anniversary of the day someone died.
Please also keep Liz and Michelle in your prayers this week. And Elizabeth - her journey was much longer and harder, but it all started this week too.
