If you want me to

I just added a new song on my playlist - If You Want Me To by Ginny Owens. I was driving home tonight thinking about Stellan, another baby and my pregnancy and this song came on.
Here are the lyrics, but it's much better if you hear it (it's #1 on the playlist - you can fast forward to it, or click popout and scroll down)
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Chorus: Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone ya oh oh no
So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering
Your love put You through
And I go through the valley
If You want me to

Wow. I really need an attitude adjustment . . .

Miracles

A blog friend of mine wrote awhile back about not getting her miracle because her daughter died. I have a different view on that, but can't really put it into words. Like He usually does - He sends someone else that puts my thoughts into words. Please read these 2 posts about praying to God, trusting in His will and miracles
http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/03/to-him-be-glory.html She got her "miracle" and her baby survived, but is now seriously ill again.

http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2009/03/miracle.html She lost her daughter almost 1 year ago. Her journey is an amazing story of faith and Audrey is still her miracle even though she's not here.

Tyler was/is a miracle. It may not be the miracle I wanted, but it was the miracle that God wanted me to have and I thank Him for it.

I did it

I finished reading the entire Bible today. It's something I committed to do after Tyler died and I feel a real sense of accomplishment in getting it done. I don't know that I understand a whole lot more than I did before, but it's amazing at the way God spoke to me through His word. I don't know how many times I "just happened" to read a verse or passage that I really needed to hear that day. You should try it - it's a real committment, but such an amazing journey.

Ok, we are STILL at a total loss on a name! I've decided that I really don't like Gunner - in the last few weeks, I've seen 2 kids with that name and I really don't want him to end up being Gunner S. forever. I think I'm out on Kyler too - I like the idea of honoring Tyler, but Kyler was just too close. I don't want this baby to think he's a replacement and I'm scared of losing part of Tyler's memory with another name that close. I know that probably won't happen, but I just don't feel it. I have moved on to Keller, but Mark thinks it sounds too girly too. I need ideas and I'm ready to throw the whole -er thing out the window. I want something that's unique, but not too weird. His middle name will be Don so it has to go with that too. Something that starts with K would be nice since my name and my mom's start with K. My brain is fried - PLEASE give me some suggestions! (I don't care if you post anonymous, but you don't get to knock my names unless you give yours!! :)

Crib Pictures

The crib is up! (thanks Dad!) Thank you ebay for the great deal on the bedding! Nothing makes me happier than buying Pottery Barn stuff for dirt cheap!! I really feel ok now that it's up and today, I dug his clothes out of the bottom of my closet and moved them to his closet - baby steps, baby steps. I want to paint his room some cute color, but I am so scared of painting. It seems so permanent and I have problems with being undecisive. (Kristi, want to come on a TX vacation? haha)

Mark and I went and bought his carseat today. We bought the Chicco Keyfit - I really wanted a Graco and hated to spend the $$, but this one seems a little smaller and I think it will fit better in the car and it seems like everything Graco has out right now is really ugly. I'm not big on the 70's brown - Mark just says it's because I'm too old to be shopping for baby stuff! haha I hate to admit that he's right, I'd probably think it was a lot cuter if I was in my 20's!

My friend Sherri is throwing me a shower at the end of this month. I don't really want one, but these are all the friends that were with me when Tyler died and I think they need it as much as I do. Everyone there will know about Tyler and I think that will make me more comfortable about it - why? I don't know! I don't really want to go register though so I'm hoping she forgets about that part!

Being Thankful part 2

My cousin Donna sent me this excerpt from "In this Mountain" awhile back and it's taken me awhile to chew on it and process it. It's pretty powerful stuff. The book is based on a preacher and this is from a sermon that he preached -

"In Everything....Give Thanks!...
Generally, Christians understand that giving thanks is good and right.
Though we don't do it often enough, it's easy to have a grateful heart for food and shelter, love and hope, health and peace. But what about the hard stuff, the stuff that darkens your world and wounds you to the quick? Just what is this "everything" business?
It's the hook, It's the key. Everything is the word on which this whole powerful command from Paul to the thessalonians stands and has its being.
Please don't misunderstand, the word thanks is crucial. But a deeper spiritual truth, I believe lies in giving thanks in ...everything!
In loss of all kinds. In illness. In depression. In grief. In failure. And, of course, in health and peace, success and happiness. In everything.
There'll be times when you wonder how you can possibly thank Him for something that turns your life upside down. Let us, then, at times like these, give thanks on faith alone...obedient, trusting, hoping, believing.
Perhaps you remember the young boy that was kidnapped and beaten and thrown in prison, yet rose up as Joseph the King, ruler of nations, able to say to his brothers, with a spirit of forgiveness, 'You thought evil against me, but God meant it for good, that many lives might be spared'. Better still, remember our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who suffered agonies we can't begin to imagine, fulfilling God's will that you and I might have everlasting life.
Some of us have been in trying circumstances these last months, unsettling, unremitting, even we sometimes think, unbearable. Dear God, we pray, stop this! Fix that! Bless us - and step on it!
I admit to you that although I often thank God for my blessings, even the smallest, I haven't thanked Him for my afflictions.
I know the 5th chapter of Thessalonians pretty well, yet it just hadn't occurred to me to actually take Him up on this notion. I've been too busy begging Him to lead me out of the valley and onto the mountaintop. After all, I have work to do, I have things to accomplish...
I want to tell you that I started thanking Him for something that grieves me deeply. And I'm committed to continue thanking Him in this hard thing no matter how desperate it might become and I'm going to begin looking for the good in it. Whether God caused it or permitted it, we can rest assured - there is great good in it.
Why have I decided to take these four words as a personal commission? Here's the entire 18th verse:
"In everything give thanks...for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."
His will concerning you. His will concerning me. This thing which I've taken as a commission intrigues me. I want to see where it goes, where it leads. I pray you will be called to do the same. Lets look once more at the four words God is saying to us...by looking at what our obedience to them will say to God.
Our obedience will say, "Father, I don't know why You're causing, or allowing this hard thing to happen, but I am going to give thanks in it because You ask me to. I'm going to trust You to have a purpose for it that I can't know and may never know. Bottom line, You're God, - and that's good enough for me." . . .
There are of course many more words in the first letter to the Thessalonians. Here are just a few:
Pray without ceasing.
Abstain from all appearance of evil.
Quench not the Spirit.
These words too contain holy counsel and absolute truth.....

I know I posted awhile back on 1 Thess 5:16-18:

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

This was just too good not to add and I wanted it here so I can always come back and read it. It also reminded me of Pastor Cecil's quote "God said it, I believe it, and that's good enough for me!"

6 more weeks to go! (hopefully)

Ok, so maybe I shouldn't have put neither as an option on the names!! He will probably be Gunner, Kyler or Keller. I still really like Kyler, but I'm not convinced it's a manly name. I also don't want him or anyone else to think that he's Tyler's replacement.
I haven't blogged in awhile - I've got a lot floating around in here, it's just not something I've been able to express. The anxiety has come back full force. I got optimistic and bought his crib and some clothes, but I think it was too much too fast and I just shut down and couldn't even think about it anymore.
I was sitting in church Sunday and was reading James and I came across 2:14-26 and it's about how faith without works is dead faith: faith without deeds is useless; Abraham's faith was made complete by what he did and by his works his faith was made perfect. I need to have faith that God can get this baby here safely and I need to show that I have that faith by my deeds. If I say that I have faith, but continue to live in fear - that's letting Satan take control. So my goal is to get the crib put up this week and to go shopping next week and get the big stuff we're going to need.
I'm reading a book by Jan Karon called "In this Mountain" - it's a fictional book about a preacher that has some really good insights, but it had this quote in it from St Francis de Sales:

Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow, the same everlasting Father
who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day. Either
He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it.

Isaiah 41:10 has also popped up a couple of times in the last few days:

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.

I said at the beginning of this pregnancy that I was just going to enjoy every minute I had so there were no regrets. I have forgotten that - and I need to focus on this baby and give him all the love and excitement he deserves.