Beautiful Song

Nicol Sponberg of the group Selah lost her son Luke to SIDS last year. She is singing a beautiful song on this video that I think will be on her solo album when it's released. Get the Kleenex, I promise you'll need it (especially if you look at the pictures and listen - I couldn't)
http://thelukesponbergfoundation.blogspot.com/2009/05/71-days.html

Came across this post today too - http://sufficientgrace-kelly.blogspot.com/2009/05/what-matters.html

One of these days when I can sleep and my brain is functioning, I may write my own post instead of stealing from everyone else! Oh well, it's good stuff anyway!

Rainbow wrapped in a rainbow. Just wanted to share this picture of Gunner wrapped in his special rainbow blanket. Thank you K, I can't think of a more perfect gift!

Here are a few things that seem to put words with how I'm feeling right now. This is a Martina McBride song that I've heard a million times and I guess the words just now caught me:

"God is great, but life ain't always good. Sometimes when I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should, but I do it anyway"

This is a quote my mom just gave me from her Beth Moore study Living Beyond Yourself " . . . their son was not theirs to keep, but the cherished things God revealed to them through his life and death belong to them forever" That is so true for me.

This is a tile I had made at http://www.engravedeuniques.com/ Kaye was absolutely wonderful to deal with. I saw the idea on Stellan's name gallery and she changed it to Tyler's name. The verse is from Psalm 139:16 and I cannot tell you how special this is to me. Please feel free to copy it and order one if you like it. She can do any kind of custom order, I just emailed her and told her what I wanted and had it within a few days!
I have so many thoughts running through my head, but don't have the time and frankly, am too exhausted to think to much or deep enough to make a coherent post about it. I'm realizing that being pregnant was a lot more mentally and emotionally draining that I had realized. I'm doing fine and am actually more content than I can ever remember feeling - I'm just really. really. tired. really. Hopefully this weekend I will be able to get on my family blog and update more about Gunner so check it out. (I painted his walls GREEN! ;)

Scattered Thoughts

The first week with Gunner was amazing! Despite his problems with jaundice and needing to be under the lights and make a few early morning Dr visits, I have loved every minute with him. I cannot tell you how great it felt to leave the hospital with a baby instead of just a box. It makes all the struggles of the last 18 months not seem as dark anymore and it feels like life has started moving again (or really that I have started moving with life again).

Now, though, fear has started creeping in again. This all seems so surreal and it scares me that something could still happen to Gunner - not that it's likely or really even in my control. He's not sleeping well at night so the other night I put him down on his tummy and almost had an anxiety attack. I just couldn't do it. The good thing is that I'm not taking anything for granted - I can't look at him or hold him enough, and no wishing away the sleepless nights and tummy aches. For the first time in my life I am content in the moment

I was holding Gunner the other day and Danner said "he reminds me of someone very special we lost" I asked who and he said Tyler. Every one in awhile they will ask if I think Tyler would have looked like him or if he would have made that face or noise. It really amazes me how much they love the brother that they never got to meet.

I've been working on this post for almost 2 weeks and it just keeps getting more random as I hear and read things I want to add. I'm going to quit trying to find the time to really sit down and get some thoughts out b/c I don't think that is going to happen any time soon. Here are a few blog posts that really have touched me recently.

"The Lord makes each of our children just as He sees fit. Some have red hair, some blonde, some have blue eyes and some brown, some have hot tempers, while others are mild mannered. Some have developmental delays, and some have physical impairments. Some are meant to stay for a long time, and others only a moment. He trusts these children, His children to us as gifts. They are not ours, but His and they each bless us in a different way and take up residence in a different part of our hearts we never knew existed. Even the children who are only with us briefly bless us with immense gifts that will never be erased or forgotten. One doesn't replace another and each one is as valuable as the next. I have been blessed FIVE times. I am still trying to wrap my mind around that and find contentment with the blessings He has bestowed upon me even when there is pain intertwined with the joy. I am learning that feeling joy for the NEW thing the Lord is doing in my life does not replace the loss that I feel daily." - http://babybolte.blogspot.com/2009/05/struggle-with-contentment.html

Gunner is here!!

Ok, sorry everyone - I thought I posted here, but I accidentally posted it on my other blog! I have no idea how to cut and paste, so I'll just give you the link! http://shipmankids.blogspot.com/2009/04/gunner-don-shipman_29.html