Thank you, thank you!!

The award states: "These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

Kristi - gave me this wonderful award (and I think she's the one who taught me how to hyperlink). Thanks Kristi and I know this is probably cheating, but I am giving the award to you too. Your blog is one of the highlights of my day. You are a fabulous writer and even better photographer. So many times, you have put what I've been feeling into words that I couldn't. I pray for you daily and wish you nothing but the absolute best!

Angie - will probably never know I gave her this award since she doesn't visit my blog, but she writes the most wonderful blogs. She lost a daughter last year and her love and faith are absolutely inspirational. She has helped me be a better, more Godly mom to my kids. Go check her out.

Holli - Holly lost her daughter Brenna not too long after Tyler died. She has a great outlook and I am so proud of how well she has done in the months since Brenna's death. I know you've already gotten this award Holli, but I appreciate you too!

Beth - For some reason I really connect with what Beth writes. I don't communicate with her much other than commenting on her blog, but I feel like we have a lot in common

Jenny - is one of the dearest friends I've ever had. Her blog has really given me a lot of good insight on my marriage and my relationship with Jesus.

I read tons of blogs, but I don't know how many want me to link them (Jenny and Beth, I hope you don't mind, let me know and I'll unlink you!) but Elsie, Marissa, Leana, and Holly - if you are reading, consider yourselves awarded!

I've finally reached 24 weeks! I don't know why that feels like such a big milestone, but babysteps I guess. I really feel like the guy from "What About Bob" going through each day just repeating "baby steps, baby steps, baby steps" over and over! This has been a really good week. He is moving around quite a bit and I'm feeling pretty optimistic. I don't know if it's faith, or just a few good days. I was reading today about Jesus' death, and if you want to talk about someone not wanting to go where God wanted him to go, I imagine Jesus understands that completely. He went out to pray and begged God to "let this cup pass from me" but then he added "not my will, but yours be done." How much strength it must have taken for him to let it all happen and not put up a fight. It also says an angel appeared to him from heaven, strengthening him (Luke 22:42-43) I know that God will send his strength and help me no matter what path He leads me down.
I have shared so much of the yucky stuff in my life here, I really want to share the good. My kids are a blast and they have a separate blog with all the happy stuff. It's not very interesting, but it's good for a few laughs. (Kristi, you have to go check out my complete lack of photography skills!) http://shipmankids.blogspot.com/

23 weeks!

Last Saturday was the day I'm pretty sure that Tyler died. That was the day I was 15w 1d which is what age they estimated him to be when he was born. I also remember very strange details about that day (which if you know me, you know is odd b/c I don't remember anything!). I remember what I was wearing and I remember just having a weird feeling - not like something was wrong, just a weird feeling. Anyway, since I was a little stressed about it and have been having so much anxiety lately about this pregnancy, I booked an u/s at a 3d place. Mark and the boys went with me and it was a lot of fun. They projected it up on the wall so the boys got a good look at him. Danner said he has a big fat head - which it looked like he did since the image was like 5 ft wide! I've had to work really hard at not looking at the pictures too closely to try to analyze the cord and other things, but it really helped me get excited. We may actually be bringing a baby home in a few months! He's been moving around like crazy and I "saw" him moving yesterday for the first time! (thanks to some sweet tea that led to a panic later on when he wasn't moving like normal, but anyway)
Danner asked me last night if this baby is going to live or die and said that when he gets to heaven, he is going to give Tyler a big hug and kiss. He was sitting on my lap the other day and I told him he was hurting me and he said "I don't want to kill this baby too!" I hate that he has experienced this and even knows to ask those questions, but it also makes me feel really good that he remembers Tyler and loves him.
Right now I'm trying to decide what to do for Tyler's birthday - I don't know if I should do something with the boys or just remember him privately. It feels odd to "celebrate" his birthday when he was not born alive or anywhere close to viability but I do feel that we need to remember him somehow.
I am really struggling with faith right now. I have faith that no matter what happens that God will be with me and it will be ok, but I don't have faith that everything is going to be ok. I had that last time and it wasn't. I'm trying to wrap my mind around Matt 7:7-7 "ask and it will be given unto you . . . for everyone who asks receives" and Matt 21:22 "And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive" just to name a few. Even though I knew deep down that something wasn't right with Tyler, I had 100% faith that he was going to be my full term baby and that he was going to be ok. I prayed for him every day. I am thankful for all the wonderful things that have changed in my life because of his death, but I sure don't want to go there again. God's will is God's will - does He change it just because we ask him to? I just don't know and I seem to be stuck here.

Anxiety

My sweet friend K, has found out that her baby is gone yet again. His name is Collin. I can't imagine having to go through this again, especially on top of 5 other losses. Please keep her in your prayers as she goes down this dark road once again. She is dear to me because she is one of the 2 women that saved me from sinking down into anger and bitterness after I lost Tyler. She encouraged me to find hope and to keep looking for the light. K, my heart truly aches for you today.

I have lost my mind! I am actually happy that I've made it past 20 weeks, so if we lose this baby he will be considered stillborn and not just a miscarriage. Why on earth would that make me happy? I am finding myself really struggling with anxiety lately (even before learning of K's loss). I never thought that making it past the time I lost Tyler would be this scary. There is talk of names, baby showers and the future that makes me want to throw up. I just can't get that far yet. I'm hoping that after I make it past 26 weeks, I'll be able to relax some but I know I won't truly rest until he is here - healthy and alive.

God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. -- Albert Einstein

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." --A. Einstein