I thought that last (week 4) post would be the end of my journal. Things were getting better and I thought I was getting through this. I don't know how to describe the feeling I'm having right now - I'm not sad, angry, or questioning anymore. I am at peace. I feel pretty normal while I'm out and about, but when I get home, I feel blah. I don't want to get up in the morning, I don't want to do laundry, cook, clean or anything else. I still do what has to be done for my family, but I would rather sit here and do nothing. I guess these are all the things I've been forcing myself to do for the last 2 months so I don't get why I've lost my motivation all of the sudden. God keeps putting songs about joy in my heart, so I've figured out that my joy is lost.
"I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart" and "j-o-y down in my heart, deep deep down in my heart" It must be hiding way down in there somewhere!
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Friday March 21, 2008
This is a copy of a post I have on my blog about my boys:
I have had some revelations lately about Tyler. A dear friend I have met online shared a devotional with me about faith. Here are a few quotes:
"If we as believers must have things proven to us before we chose to believe, it is not faith but the result of our rational action. True faith demands that we walk by faith because of what we read in God’s Word. God says it---I believe it---that’s good enough for me."
"What is the impossible thing in your life that dominates your life? Let me tell you that you have three choices: 1. You can try to solve the problem with your own abilities and continue with the conflict you now are experiencing. 2. You can place it in the hands of the Lord, but still keep your focus on the impossible situation. 3. You can place it in His hands and then keep your eyes on Him."
"The Lord knows our present situation as well as what lies ahead for us. One of our biggest problems is that we spend too much time looking at our personal situation instead of looking to the One who is able to control our situations."
This really touched me and seemed to go with the verse that God has put on my heart, even before I knew Tyler was gone. Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God". Like the devo says "God says it, I believe it and that's enough for me." I will never know why this happened, but I know that God does and I trust that it was a good reason. I have realized that there are many worse things that could have happened. Maybe God took Tyler when he did to protect us from something worse. I have chosen to be thankful to God for being in control of my life and thankful for the blessing that Tyler has been to all of us. I had put this in God's hands, but I couldn't take my eyes off my pain. I am now looking to God for comfort and guidance. I feel at peace - I know Tyler is in heaven with God and that he won't ever have to suffer the pain of this world that Ranger and Danner will. That is something to be thankful for.
Sorry this was so long, but it was something I feel like I needed to share.
Thank you Kristi for sharing this with me.
I have had some revelations lately about Tyler. A dear friend I have met online shared a devotional with me about faith. Here are a few quotes:
"If we as believers must have things proven to us before we chose to believe, it is not faith but the result of our rational action. True faith demands that we walk by faith because of what we read in God’s Word. God says it---I believe it---that’s good enough for me."
"What is the impossible thing in your life that dominates your life? Let me tell you that you have three choices: 1. You can try to solve the problem with your own abilities and continue with the conflict you now are experiencing. 2. You can place it in the hands of the Lord, but still keep your focus on the impossible situation. 3. You can place it in His hands and then keep your eyes on Him."
"The Lord knows our present situation as well as what lies ahead for us. One of our biggest problems is that we spend too much time looking at our personal situation instead of looking to the One who is able to control our situations."
This really touched me and seemed to go with the verse that God has put on my heart, even before I knew Tyler was gone. Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God". Like the devo says "God says it, I believe it and that's enough for me." I will never know why this happened, but I know that God does and I trust that it was a good reason. I have realized that there are many worse things that could have happened. Maybe God took Tyler when he did to protect us from something worse. I have chosen to be thankful to God for being in control of my life and thankful for the blessing that Tyler has been to all of us. I had put this in God's hands, but I couldn't take my eyes off my pain. I am now looking to God for comfort and guidance. I feel at peace - I know Tyler is in heaven with God and that he won't ever have to suffer the pain of this world that Ranger and Danner will. That is something to be thankful for.
Sorry this was so long, but it was something I feel like I needed to share.
Thank you Kristi for sharing this with me.
Week 4
Tuesday March 4
I made up my mind that I was going to have another good day today. I went and worked up at school then I thought I would go look at cars or something. I went to Mark’s office to use the computer b/c I knew if I went home and got on the computer, I would never get up. I looked up on his bulletin board and he had written Tyler’s name on a piece of paper and hung it up there. It meant so much to me and I don’t really know why. I guess it really helped me feel like Tyler was real and he means as much to Mark as he does to me.
Donna texted me a picture of baby Molly that wasn’t very good. It looked like she had no upper lip. I called Donna b/c I was worried something was wrong with her and she didn’t answer. I figured she was in class or something and didn’t think much of it. This afternoon she hadn’t called me back so I called her. She called me right back and whispered that she was at the hospital. I asked her if everything was ok and she said she’d call me when she got out. Well of course, my mind starting racing and thinking of all the things that were wrong with Lori and the baby and how nobody was calling me b/c they didn’t want to tell me. I thought they had been at the hospital all day and on and on and on. Anyway, they are fine, Donna was at the hospital doing her rotation for class and she wasn’t supposed to have her phone on! Ok so maybe I’m still a mess.
Wed March 5
I thought I was going to have a day where I didn’t have anything to write about - I guess that’s what I get for thinking! After I picked up Ranger, we went to Lowe’s to get a key made and ended up wandering around. On the curtain aisle, there was a girl who was like 55 months pg. I just hurried past her and tried not to look. She had a little boy in her cart that started “talking” to the boys so they stopped and waved and talked to him. I made it through that pretty good then we went on to carpet. We were talking to the saleslady and the boy comes walking up pointing and talking to the boys. It turns out to be her 16 month old grandson. He plays in the carpets with the boys and Danner was so sweet to him. She starts telling me that her daughter is having a homebirth and all I can think is “Is she crazy? What if something happens?“ but I managed just to nod and “uh huh oh yeah that’s great” while she’s talking. She comments on how good Danner is to him and she starts telling me how I really need to have another one and asked had I ever considered another one and on and on and on. I was just nervous Danner was going to say something about our baby being dead or something, but he didn’t. I was so ready to get out of there, but I am having my good day and I’m not going to have a breakdown.
Then, last night Donna gave me the idea of doing the boys handprints and putting them with Tyler’s. I thought I could photocopy his to use b/c I don’t want to use his originals. We went to Mark’s office and the copier couldn’t copy them dark enough (they aren’t real great to begin with). It took everything I had not to bawl right there. I just want a copy of his damn crappy handprints! Is that too much to ask? Evidently today it is. I can’t imagine a place where I can walk in with my dead baby’s tiny handprints and make a good copy of them without looking like a total lunatic! Well crap, at least I am making myself have a good day, or I would be under the covers already!
Fri March 7
I was working in Ranger’s classroom today when Mrs Fritz did roll call. She told them to answer with their brother or sister’s name. Ranger ran over to me and asked me if he could say Tyler. I told him of course he could and he was so proud to say his name when she called on him. It really surprised me b/c Ranger doesn’t really say much about him.
Had the blahs this afternoon, I don’t know what it is about Friday’s
Sat March 8
The boys and I spent all day cleaning up the house for Keeno. It feels good to have a clean house, but I am worn out. It was nice having everyone over and having a little fun, but I didn’t really feel like myself. It was kinda like when your head is stopped up and you don’t feel all there. I don’t know, it just wasn’t me. After a couple of rounds, I was bored and didn’t really care anymore. Then I drug out my box for Julia, Cyndi and Sherri. I wish sometimes I would just keep my big mouth shut. I always say things around them that I wish I didn’t.
Sun March 9
I went to sleep last night and slept good all by myself! I was so tired last night, I figured it was a good night to try it w/o Ambien. I feel like that is a huge step forward.
Monday March 10
It has been 4 weeks today since little Tyler was born. I’m not sad so much about losing him now - I know he’s in a better place. I think what I’m feeling is more trauma from the whole experience - from looking at that screen and realizing he was gone, knowing I had been carrying a dead baby and didn’t even know, delivering a dead baby, the wild hormone swings and body changes, and all the what if’s and not really knowing what happened.
I knew something was wrong. On Brothers and Sisters, when Kitty lost her baby, I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I knew it would happen to me. I told Mark one night that I just didn’t feel like this was going to happen. All I could pray is that whatever did happen, God would use it for something good. I was in such shock at my 8 wk u/s when everything was ok, because I was sure there would be no hb. That makes it hard for me to believe that it was just a cord accident. How would my mind know 7 weeks before that it would happen? I will always wonder if there was something else wrong with him.
Should we try to have another baby? If we do, will this happen again? What if something was wrong with him, is that a risk we want to run? My heart and my body want to have a baby, I just don’t know if my mind is on board. It knows the risks, to me and to the baby. I know I should be thankful for the 2 wonderful boys I have and I am, now it just feels like something is missing.
I wonder how long this will last - is this how I’m going to feel forever? Is this my new normal? I hate feeling like this. I hate the waves of sadness that hit out of the blue. I want to feel happy and ok again, not just hit and miss, but all the time. I’m exhausted by the little things and irritable. I laid in bed last night and was wondering why I was feeling so down, then I realized it was 4 weeks ago today. How does my mind know that? I wish it would quit. I’m tired of counting the weeks and days. I’m tired of this whole mess.
I made up my mind that I was going to have another good day today. I went and worked up at school then I thought I would go look at cars or something. I went to Mark’s office to use the computer b/c I knew if I went home and got on the computer, I would never get up. I looked up on his bulletin board and he had written Tyler’s name on a piece of paper and hung it up there. It meant so much to me and I don’t really know why. I guess it really helped me feel like Tyler was real and he means as much to Mark as he does to me.
Donna texted me a picture of baby Molly that wasn’t very good. It looked like she had no upper lip. I called Donna b/c I was worried something was wrong with her and she didn’t answer. I figured she was in class or something and didn’t think much of it. This afternoon she hadn’t called me back so I called her. She called me right back and whispered that she was at the hospital. I asked her if everything was ok and she said she’d call me when she got out. Well of course, my mind starting racing and thinking of all the things that were wrong with Lori and the baby and how nobody was calling me b/c they didn’t want to tell me. I thought they had been at the hospital all day and on and on and on. Anyway, they are fine, Donna was at the hospital doing her rotation for class and she wasn’t supposed to have her phone on! Ok so maybe I’m still a mess.
Wed March 5
I thought I was going to have a day where I didn’t have anything to write about - I guess that’s what I get for thinking! After I picked up Ranger, we went to Lowe’s to get a key made and ended up wandering around. On the curtain aisle, there was a girl who was like 55 months pg. I just hurried past her and tried not to look. She had a little boy in her cart that started “talking” to the boys so they stopped and waved and talked to him. I made it through that pretty good then we went on to carpet. We were talking to the saleslady and the boy comes walking up pointing and talking to the boys. It turns out to be her 16 month old grandson. He plays in the carpets with the boys and Danner was so sweet to him. She starts telling me that her daughter is having a homebirth and all I can think is “Is she crazy? What if something happens?“ but I managed just to nod and “uh huh oh yeah that’s great” while she’s talking. She comments on how good Danner is to him and she starts telling me how I really need to have another one and asked had I ever considered another one and on and on and on. I was just nervous Danner was going to say something about our baby being dead or something, but he didn’t. I was so ready to get out of there, but I am having my good day and I’m not going to have a breakdown.
Then, last night Donna gave me the idea of doing the boys handprints and putting them with Tyler’s. I thought I could photocopy his to use b/c I don’t want to use his originals. We went to Mark’s office and the copier couldn’t copy them dark enough (they aren’t real great to begin with). It took everything I had not to bawl right there. I just want a copy of his damn crappy handprints! Is that too much to ask? Evidently today it is. I can’t imagine a place where I can walk in with my dead baby’s tiny handprints and make a good copy of them without looking like a total lunatic! Well crap, at least I am making myself have a good day, or I would be under the covers already!
Fri March 7
I was working in Ranger’s classroom today when Mrs Fritz did roll call. She told them to answer with their brother or sister’s name. Ranger ran over to me and asked me if he could say Tyler. I told him of course he could and he was so proud to say his name when she called on him. It really surprised me b/c Ranger doesn’t really say much about him.
Had the blahs this afternoon, I don’t know what it is about Friday’s
Sat March 8
The boys and I spent all day cleaning up the house for Keeno. It feels good to have a clean house, but I am worn out. It was nice having everyone over and having a little fun, but I didn’t really feel like myself. It was kinda like when your head is stopped up and you don’t feel all there. I don’t know, it just wasn’t me. After a couple of rounds, I was bored and didn’t really care anymore. Then I drug out my box for Julia, Cyndi and Sherri. I wish sometimes I would just keep my big mouth shut. I always say things around them that I wish I didn’t.
Sun March 9
I went to sleep last night and slept good all by myself! I was so tired last night, I figured it was a good night to try it w/o Ambien. I feel like that is a huge step forward.
Monday March 10
It has been 4 weeks today since little Tyler was born. I’m not sad so much about losing him now - I know he’s in a better place. I think what I’m feeling is more trauma from the whole experience - from looking at that screen and realizing he was gone, knowing I had been carrying a dead baby and didn’t even know, delivering a dead baby, the wild hormone swings and body changes, and all the what if’s and not really knowing what happened.
I knew something was wrong. On Brothers and Sisters, when Kitty lost her baby, I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I knew it would happen to me. I told Mark one night that I just didn’t feel like this was going to happen. All I could pray is that whatever did happen, God would use it for something good. I was in such shock at my 8 wk u/s when everything was ok, because I was sure there would be no hb. That makes it hard for me to believe that it was just a cord accident. How would my mind know 7 weeks before that it would happen? I will always wonder if there was something else wrong with him.
Should we try to have another baby? If we do, will this happen again? What if something was wrong with him, is that a risk we want to run? My heart and my body want to have a baby, I just don’t know if my mind is on board. It knows the risks, to me and to the baby. I know I should be thankful for the 2 wonderful boys I have and I am, now it just feels like something is missing.
I wonder how long this will last - is this how I’m going to feel forever? Is this my new normal? I hate feeling like this. I hate the waves of sadness that hit out of the blue. I want to feel happy and ok again, not just hit and miss, but all the time. I’m exhausted by the little things and irritable. I laid in bed last night and was wondering why I was feeling so down, then I realized it was 4 weeks ago today. How does my mind know that? I wish it would quit. I’m tired of counting the weeks and days. I’m tired of this whole mess.
Week 3
Tues Feb 26
Had a followup appt with Dr Carrington this morning. He said that they weren’t able to grow any of his tissue b/c he had been gone so long. For some reason that really hurt even though that’s what we were expecting. He is fairly confident that it was just a cord accident. I wish I hadn’t googled b/c now I think there was more to it. Some moms online had autopsy’s but I’m trying really hard just to accept all this and quit questioning - even with not burying him. I know we made the right decision but it’s hard not to feel guilty for just letting the hospital "dispose" of him. He told us there was no rush to decide what we wanted to do next and was very understanding and encouraging. It was a lot more emotional than I thought it was going to be.
Wed Feb 27
Mark and I had a really good talk when we went to bed last night. I was able to get out a lot of my feelings about God, having another baby and just understanding what happened. I am so glad I am able to talk to him about this.
Thurs Feb 28
It has been 3 weeks since this mess all started. I guess that’s why I’ve been in a funk today. I am so tired of being tired, cranky and unmotivated. I do fine as long as I’m not at home, but the longer I stay gone, the more sick and exhausted I feel. Standing in line at Target, I just wanted to lay down and put my face on the cold floor. I think I need to go somewhere, I need something to look forward to.
Fri Feb 29
I am really ticked off today. My stomach looks like the Pillsbury dough boy,my butt is huge, my hemorrhoids are worse now than when I was pg and my boobs are disappearing. I guess when you have a new baby to hold, you don’t care b/c a) you have a baby and b) you can use the baby to cover up your fat and c) you still have fabulous boobs. I would think the least the gods could do is let me keep some boobs since I didn’t get a baby! I just want my body back. And I’m mad at my stupid body - it didn’t know Tyler was gone and now it’s having a really hard time figuring out that I’m not pg anymore. Stupid body, how could it have a dead baby in there for weeks and not know? How could it not know that there’s no baby at all in there anymore?
I am still really struggling with the spiritual aspect of this. Did God cause this? Did the devil? Did nature just take it’s course while God watched? Knowing what I know now, I don’t think a healthy baby can be born without God somehow having a hand in it. Too many things have to go just the right way at just the right time. None of those options is too comforting. God gets you if you’re bad and the devil gets you when you’re good. Can you ever get peace? Is this the answer
to my prayer for something to bring our family together? If it is, I’m sorry I asked.
I started a blog today - not really sure why. I guess it’s just something to do. It will be nice for everyone to be able to get on and see what the boys are up to and see pictures.
Sat March 1
Well the lunatic came out full force today! Last night Mark stayed out late. I called him a few times and he said he was coming home. I tried to go to bed around 11, but couldn’t go to sleep and I didn’t want to take the Ambien while he wasn’t home. I called him at 12 and he didn’t answer. That was it - all these things started going through my head - he was with the hot salesgirl, he really didn’t love me blah blah blah. I called him a few minutes later and he said he was leaving and coming home right then. 30 minutes later when he still hadn’t shown up, I called him again and he was just getting in his truck. I don’t think I have ever been so mad in my life! I knew my feelings were irrational, but I couldn’t fight them. When he got home, I just took my pill and went to bed.
I woke up in a crappy mood this morning and had to take the boys to zoo school. I was so mad at Mark for doing that last night. It’s just crappy of him to think he can stay out until midnight without bothering to call. I would think he would know that I can’t sleep, maybe he doesn’t. I was just numb and sick all day. I was convinced Mark didn’t really love me. I kept telling myself that this was all so irrational, but I just couldn’t quit. He had all but ignored me Thursday night and I barely talked to him at all Friday. I didn’t answer the phone all day when he called b/c I knew I would freak out and start spewing this ridiculous crap. It just snowballed all day. When he finally came home and we talked he told me I was the only person he had ever loved. It made me feel better, I hate being so needy! I know he is stressed at work and still not feeling good, I just need to know he still cares and isn’t getting sick of this lazy wacko he now lives with. He told me he thought Dr Carrington sounded like he really wanted me to take some medication. After today, I think I may need to. I don’t feel sad and depressed, but I feel totally out of control.
Sun March 2
I have decided that I am sick of this. I am going to force myself to start trying to act normal again. I put up some of the laundry piling up in our house as a start. I am going to the chiropractor, getting a massage, a facial and my hair cut this week, whether I feel like getting up and going or not. I do NOT like this needy irritable person I have become and I’m the only one that can change that. I am going to start writing more about the good things and not dwell so much on the bad. I’m not really feeling sad that Tyler is gone, but more that what happened just sucks. It is so brutal on your entire being - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. To be going along, thinking you’re having a baby and in 1 instant it’s gone. Then, on top of that, you have to go through a physical delivery and all the physical and hormonal changes that come with regular childbirth.
I haven’t written enough about how great Mark has really been. Every time I’ve had a breakdown, he has been right there to hold me, reassure me and tell me it’s ok to feel the way I do. I was complaining to him the other day about how big my butt is now and his reply was something like “well you just had a baby”. He seems to have a better grasp on the big picture. I feel so bad that I’m not really taking care of him, the house or the kids and he reassures me that it will take awhile to get over this, that I have lost a child and it’s an emptiness that will always be there.
Monday March 3
Today for the first time, I feel a part of me peeking out. It has been 3 weeks today since Tyler was born and I haven’t cried yet. I look back on him and feel love in my heart instead of sadness. I figure that is a step forward. I don’t feel sad, heavy or any of that bad stuff. I feel the tears there, but I am able to keep them in.
Dad sent me the sweetest email. Probably the most he has ever said about anything like this. I couldn’t read it too close b/c I’m having a good day and I don’t want to start crying.
Lori had her baby tonight. We all thought she would be here at noon and she wasn’t born until 9. I was so scared something was going to happen! I just felt this wave of relief when Donna called and said she was here. Good thing I am making myself have a good day!
Had a followup appt with Dr Carrington this morning. He said that they weren’t able to grow any of his tissue b/c he had been gone so long. For some reason that really hurt even though that’s what we were expecting. He is fairly confident that it was just a cord accident. I wish I hadn’t googled b/c now I think there was more to it. Some moms online had autopsy’s but I’m trying really hard just to accept all this and quit questioning - even with not burying him. I know we made the right decision but it’s hard not to feel guilty for just letting the hospital "dispose" of him. He told us there was no rush to decide what we wanted to do next and was very understanding and encouraging. It was a lot more emotional than I thought it was going to be.
Wed Feb 27
Mark and I had a really good talk when we went to bed last night. I was able to get out a lot of my feelings about God, having another baby and just understanding what happened. I am so glad I am able to talk to him about this.
Thurs Feb 28
It has been 3 weeks since this mess all started. I guess that’s why I’ve been in a funk today. I am so tired of being tired, cranky and unmotivated. I do fine as long as I’m not at home, but the longer I stay gone, the more sick and exhausted I feel. Standing in line at Target, I just wanted to lay down and put my face on the cold floor. I think I need to go somewhere, I need something to look forward to.
Fri Feb 29
I am really ticked off today. My stomach looks like the Pillsbury dough boy,my butt is huge, my hemorrhoids are worse now than when I was pg and my boobs are disappearing. I guess when you have a new baby to hold, you don’t care b/c a) you have a baby and b) you can use the baby to cover up your fat and c) you still have fabulous boobs. I would think the least the gods could do is let me keep some boobs since I didn’t get a baby! I just want my body back. And I’m mad at my stupid body - it didn’t know Tyler was gone and now it’s having a really hard time figuring out that I’m not pg anymore. Stupid body, how could it have a dead baby in there for weeks and not know? How could it not know that there’s no baby at all in there anymore?
I am still really struggling with the spiritual aspect of this. Did God cause this? Did the devil? Did nature just take it’s course while God watched? Knowing what I know now, I don’t think a healthy baby can be born without God somehow having a hand in it. Too many things have to go just the right way at just the right time. None of those options is too comforting. God gets you if you’re bad and the devil gets you when you’re good. Can you ever get peace? Is this the answer
to my prayer for something to bring our family together? If it is, I’m sorry I asked.
I started a blog today - not really sure why. I guess it’s just something to do. It will be nice for everyone to be able to get on and see what the boys are up to and see pictures.
Sat March 1
Well the lunatic came out full force today! Last night Mark stayed out late. I called him a few times and he said he was coming home. I tried to go to bed around 11, but couldn’t go to sleep and I didn’t want to take the Ambien while he wasn’t home. I called him at 12 and he didn’t answer. That was it - all these things started going through my head - he was with the hot salesgirl, he really didn’t love me blah blah blah. I called him a few minutes later and he said he was leaving and coming home right then. 30 minutes later when he still hadn’t shown up, I called him again and he was just getting in his truck. I don’t think I have ever been so mad in my life! I knew my feelings were irrational, but I couldn’t fight them. When he got home, I just took my pill and went to bed.
I woke up in a crappy mood this morning and had to take the boys to zoo school. I was so mad at Mark for doing that last night. It’s just crappy of him to think he can stay out until midnight without bothering to call. I would think he would know that I can’t sleep, maybe he doesn’t. I was just numb and sick all day. I was convinced Mark didn’t really love me. I kept telling myself that this was all so irrational, but I just couldn’t quit. He had all but ignored me Thursday night and I barely talked to him at all Friday. I didn’t answer the phone all day when he called b/c I knew I would freak out and start spewing this ridiculous crap. It just snowballed all day. When he finally came home and we talked he told me I was the only person he had ever loved. It made me feel better, I hate being so needy! I know he is stressed at work and still not feeling good, I just need to know he still cares and isn’t getting sick of this lazy wacko he now lives with. He told me he thought Dr Carrington sounded like he really wanted me to take some medication. After today, I think I may need to. I don’t feel sad and depressed, but I feel totally out of control.
Sun March 2
I have decided that I am sick of this. I am going to force myself to start trying to act normal again. I put up some of the laundry piling up in our house as a start. I am going to the chiropractor, getting a massage, a facial and my hair cut this week, whether I feel like getting up and going or not. I do NOT like this needy irritable person I have become and I’m the only one that can change that. I am going to start writing more about the good things and not dwell so much on the bad. I’m not really feeling sad that Tyler is gone, but more that what happened just sucks. It is so brutal on your entire being - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. To be going along, thinking you’re having a baby and in 1 instant it’s gone. Then, on top of that, you have to go through a physical delivery and all the physical and hormonal changes that come with regular childbirth.
I haven’t written enough about how great Mark has really been. Every time I’ve had a breakdown, he has been right there to hold me, reassure me and tell me it’s ok to feel the way I do. I was complaining to him the other day about how big my butt is now and his reply was something like “well you just had a baby”. He seems to have a better grasp on the big picture. I feel so bad that I’m not really taking care of him, the house or the kids and he reassures me that it will take awhile to get over this, that I have lost a child and it’s an emptiness that will always be there.
Monday March 3
Today for the first time, I feel a part of me peeking out. It has been 3 weeks today since Tyler was born and I haven’t cried yet. I look back on him and feel love in my heart instead of sadness. I figure that is a step forward. I don’t feel sad, heavy or any of that bad stuff. I feel the tears there, but I am able to keep them in.
Dad sent me the sweetest email. Probably the most he has ever said about anything like this. I couldn’t read it too close b/c I’m having a good day and I don’t want to start crying.
Lori had her baby tonight. We all thought she would be here at noon and she wasn’t born until 9. I was so scared something was going to happen! I just felt this wave of relief when Donna called and said she was here. Good thing I am making myself have a good day!
Week2
Tues Feb 19
Got up and took Danner to school. It was hard to go in for the first time for some reason, I guess they are the only other people that know that I haven’t seen yet. I went and helped Mrs Fritz at school. It was nice to do something to get my mind off things for awhile.
Danner came in last night and said he was sad baby Tyler was dead. He said he can’t see him in his heart b/c his eyes are looking straight ahead. He asked if he cried when they took him out of my tummy. He said he didn’t want to be dead
Wed Feb 20
I feel like crap today - I don’t know if I’m getting sick or what. It’s hard to tell what’s emotional and what’s physical. I didn’t take the Ambien last night b/c I took some sinus medicine and thought it would knock me out enough. I feel like I never really went to sleep and when I did, I had nightmares. I guess I’m going to keep taking it.
A lot of the girls on BBC say that I’m strong for going out and doing so much. It doesn’t feel that way. I feel like a blob just doing what has to be done. The boys deserve to have a semi-normal mom. I made myself get out today and go get a peel. I feel like I need to look extra good right now, I guess so I look like I’m ok. I even get up and dry my hair every morning - no pony tails.
I found out today that Krystal is having a girl and Lori is having another u/s to check the size of the baby so she doesn’t get too big. I get so nervous and sick thinking about them losing their babies too. I’m scared they’re going to go in and not be able to find a hb either. I don’t even care that Krystal is having another girl, I’m just happy the baby is ok.
I wonder when I’ll feel like eating again. All I want is chocolate and junk. Anything healthy just reminds me of being pg. I don’t even want a cheeseburger. I haven’t even really cried today, I guess I’m just at the numb part.
My milk never did come in so there’s 1 thing to be thankful for. This whole process is just so cruel, I’m glad that’s 1 thing I didn’t have to suffer through.
Thurs Feb 21
The wave of sadness hit again yesterday evening and hasn’t gone away. I cried as soon as I woke up this morning. Mark really hurt my feelings last night He came to sit down by me and I asked him if he was going to sit by me tonight and he said it depends on how I act. Then he goes on to talk about how hot this salesgirl was that came into the office today! I really trying hard not to be mad and hurt b/c I know I am way overly sensitive right now but it made me feel alone. I know he didn’t mean anything by it. Now this morning all I can do is cry. I thought I was past this part, I haven’t really cried in a few days. I’m just so sad. Today is 2 weeks since we found out he was gone. Will there ever be another Thursday or Monday or 11th of the month that I won’t cry? I don’t think I will ever forget looking at that screen and realizing there was no hb in the baby. Oh crap the sobbing is back too. I did nothing but cry all day - I even got up and ironed mark’s tshirts to give me something to do. He came home from work early and just having him here makes me feel better. He said he hadn’t gotten to see me cry in 2 or 3 days and that made me feel like he wasn’t sick of me yet. He was so encouraging and told me I would be myself again someday and asked how I was feeling. I told him it feels more physical than emotional. I feel so heavy and empty and just not like myself. I said I just want this to be over with. He said I would probably be mad at myself when I don’t feel this anymore. He’s probably right.
Fri Feb 22
I didn’t wake up crying today, that’s an improvement over yesterday. Not that I haven’t cried already though. Jennifer emailed me today and told me she’s having a baby in Sept. More than it hurts, I am so scared that something is going to go wrong. I don’t want anyone I know to have to go through this. I don’t know what to think today. I am so tired of being sad and not being me. I don’t want to leave Tyler behind or ever forget, but what good is it doing me? It won’t ever bring him back and there’s nothing that will change it. I just want it to be over.
Sat Feb 23
Today is Ranger’s 6th birthday. I usually want to think back on the day he was born, but I couldn’t let myself do that today. All I could think back to was Tyler. Ranger did great in his last basketball game and then we had his party at Bouncin Bonanza. Ranger had a great day and got tons of stuff!
Sun Feb 24
Dad and I worked on the garage all day. I feel physically better and stronger than I have since this started. I even ate twice today. Maybe my appetite has finally come back. Mark mentioned that stupid salesgirl again and it made me cry. I can tell my hormones or my emotions are still really screwed up. I don’t know why some things about him are hurting me so bad right now. He has been so kind, gentle and patient with me.
Mon Feb25
I realize today that God was watching over me and not letting me do anything that would have made me think hurt the baby. It’s been a pretty good day so far - didn’t even cry in the shower this morning. The sun is out today and it’s hot - everything feels so bright and fresh.
Today, I don’t know if I want another baby. The boys are at such a good age right now and so independent. I don’t know if I could keep up with them if we had a baby. I want to be pg again though, I don’t want my last baby to be a dead one. I don’t want this to be my memory of being pg and having babies. The boys both said today that they wish Tyler wasn’t dead when he came out of my tummy. Today it's been 2 weeks since he was born, and it has been a busy 2 weeks; Mark and Ranger had the flu, Lyndi had her baby, our hot water heater went out, the septic tank backed up and we had a bday party for Ranger.
Got up and took Danner to school. It was hard to go in for the first time for some reason, I guess they are the only other people that know that I haven’t seen yet. I went and helped Mrs Fritz at school. It was nice to do something to get my mind off things for awhile.
Danner came in last night and said he was sad baby Tyler was dead. He said he can’t see him in his heart b/c his eyes are looking straight ahead. He asked if he cried when they took him out of my tummy. He said he didn’t want to be dead
Wed Feb 20
I feel like crap today - I don’t know if I’m getting sick or what. It’s hard to tell what’s emotional and what’s physical. I didn’t take the Ambien last night b/c I took some sinus medicine and thought it would knock me out enough. I feel like I never really went to sleep and when I did, I had nightmares. I guess I’m going to keep taking it.
A lot of the girls on BBC say that I’m strong for going out and doing so much. It doesn’t feel that way. I feel like a blob just doing what has to be done. The boys deserve to have a semi-normal mom. I made myself get out today and go get a peel. I feel like I need to look extra good right now, I guess so I look like I’m ok. I even get up and dry my hair every morning - no pony tails.
I found out today that Krystal is having a girl and Lori is having another u/s to check the size of the baby so she doesn’t get too big. I get so nervous and sick thinking about them losing their babies too. I’m scared they’re going to go in and not be able to find a hb either. I don’t even care that Krystal is having another girl, I’m just happy the baby is ok.
I wonder when I’ll feel like eating again. All I want is chocolate and junk. Anything healthy just reminds me of being pg. I don’t even want a cheeseburger. I haven’t even really cried today, I guess I’m just at the numb part.
My milk never did come in so there’s 1 thing to be thankful for. This whole process is just so cruel, I’m glad that’s 1 thing I didn’t have to suffer through.
Thurs Feb 21
The wave of sadness hit again yesterday evening and hasn’t gone away. I cried as soon as I woke up this morning. Mark really hurt my feelings last night He came to sit down by me and I asked him if he was going to sit by me tonight and he said it depends on how I act. Then he goes on to talk about how hot this salesgirl was that came into the office today! I really trying hard not to be mad and hurt b/c I know I am way overly sensitive right now but it made me feel alone. I know he didn’t mean anything by it. Now this morning all I can do is cry. I thought I was past this part, I haven’t really cried in a few days. I’m just so sad. Today is 2 weeks since we found out he was gone. Will there ever be another Thursday or Monday or 11th of the month that I won’t cry? I don’t think I will ever forget looking at that screen and realizing there was no hb in the baby. Oh crap the sobbing is back too. I did nothing but cry all day - I even got up and ironed mark’s tshirts to give me something to do. He came home from work early and just having him here makes me feel better. He said he hadn’t gotten to see me cry in 2 or 3 days and that made me feel like he wasn’t sick of me yet. He was so encouraging and told me I would be myself again someday and asked how I was feeling. I told him it feels more physical than emotional. I feel so heavy and empty and just not like myself. I said I just want this to be over with. He said I would probably be mad at myself when I don’t feel this anymore. He’s probably right.
Fri Feb 22
I didn’t wake up crying today, that’s an improvement over yesterday. Not that I haven’t cried already though. Jennifer emailed me today and told me she’s having a baby in Sept. More than it hurts, I am so scared that something is going to go wrong. I don’t want anyone I know to have to go through this. I don’t know what to think today. I am so tired of being sad and not being me. I don’t want to leave Tyler behind or ever forget, but what good is it doing me? It won’t ever bring him back and there’s nothing that will change it. I just want it to be over.
Sat Feb 23
Today is Ranger’s 6th birthday. I usually want to think back on the day he was born, but I couldn’t let myself do that today. All I could think back to was Tyler. Ranger did great in his last basketball game and then we had his party at Bouncin Bonanza. Ranger had a great day and got tons of stuff!
Sun Feb 24
Dad and I worked on the garage all day. I feel physically better and stronger than I have since this started. I even ate twice today. Maybe my appetite has finally come back. Mark mentioned that stupid salesgirl again and it made me cry. I can tell my hormones or my emotions are still really screwed up. I don’t know why some things about him are hurting me so bad right now. He has been so kind, gentle and patient with me.
Mon Feb25
I realize today that God was watching over me and not letting me do anything that would have made me think hurt the baby. It’s been a pretty good day so far - didn’t even cry in the shower this morning. The sun is out today and it’s hot - everything feels so bright and fresh.
Today, I don’t know if I want another baby. The boys are at such a good age right now and so independent. I don’t know if I could keep up with them if we had a baby. I want to be pg again though, I don’t want my last baby to be a dead one. I don’t want this to be my memory of being pg and having babies. The boys both said today that they wish Tyler wasn’t dead when he came out of my tummy. Today it's been 2 weeks since he was born, and it has been a busy 2 weeks; Mark and Ranger had the flu, Lyndi had her baby, our hot water heater went out, the septic tank backed up and we had a bday party for Ranger.
Week 1
Day 1 Tuesday Feb 12
I spent a lot of time on the internet and emailing today. Reading everyone’s emails makes me feel a little better and it’s much easier than talking. They are also starting to talk about other things in them which is nice. A girl on the miscarriage board suggested journaling and hers was beautiful so here I am. I talked to mom and the boys, they are happy and having fun. She told me that yesterday was my Grandmommy’s birthday. I don’t know how that makes me feel. Just made my cry like everything else. She said Danner said Jesus is beating on his heart with a shovel
Today I am torn, my broken heart wants another baby. My mind and my body are saying no way it’s too dangerous and scary.
Mark took me to Grapevine to spend the night and out to eat. On they way, Kala texted me and told me Lyndi was having her baby right now. It just sucks. I was hoping that I was going to have a few more days before I had to deal with that. Then Donna sent me a picture. I was happy for a split second, then the tears flowed. It killed me to see her picture, but I’m kinda glad she sent it and I am so glad that Lyndi had a healthy baby. Mark said he was happy for them, but it sucks for us. That seems to be our theme lately.
We had a really good dinner and were able to talk a lot which was good. I didn’t even cry over dinner! Something mom said finally sunk in - this baby wasn’t “nothing” there are so many people that loved him and have been affected by the short time we had him.
Wednesday Feb 13 - Our 9th Anniversary
Mark was soo sick last night! I feel bad because I don’t feel like I’m taking very good care of him. We just got up and came home b/c he was feeling so bad. He sent me on an errand to the bank which kinda pissed me off, I just don’t think I can talk to anyone. But I decided that I needed to suck it up and do it and I’m glad I did. If I don’t force myself out of the hole, I’ll never get out of here. While I was out, I went to Target and bought Tyler a little bib. I feel horrible that I never bought him anything that was his. When I got home, it all hit me. It was the most horrible heavy empty sad feeling. I got on the internet for awhile, then just sat here in the dark and cried. When Mark got home, I started crying. I feel bad, I know at some point, he is going to get tired of my crying all the time. He brought me some goodies for our anniversary and lots of chocolate. That’s about all I’ve been eating. I’ve been eating the turtles all day that Julia brought by.
Thurs Feb 14th
Happy Freakin' Valentines Day. I did not want to get out of bed today. Craig was coming by to get my car to go pick up the boys so I had to get up and at least brush my teeth. Right now, I am sitting here numb. I need to quit living on the bulletin boards and try to function, I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to pick any of this mess up and I don’t want to do laundry. I feel so heavy. I hope that I can function when the boys get home later today.
I can’t believe how much better I felt as soon as the boys came in the house. Of course, Ranger puked all over the kitchen as soon as he walked in the door, but he was fine the rest of the night. They have brought joy and life back into the house. I don’t want to take them for granted anymore. We popped all the balloons Mark gave me and it was kinda fun! I felt really empty after they went to bed though.
Fri Feb 15th
Had to get up and take Ranger to school this morning. I didn’t want to look like crap, but I just hate that everyone that sees me thinks I’m ok. I want to tell them that I’m not but they wouldn’t understand. Karen hugged me at the car and I only teared up a little. The classroom was crazy when we got in there so it wasn’t too bad. Stupid me googled cord accidents when we got home. Some say that a cord acc. Is not the cause of death, that it occurs when something else causes it. One study also says that after a death after 10w, the chances of the next pg surviving are less than 25%. That makes me not want to try again, but we know so many that have experienced this and have gone on to have healthy babies. I don’t know what to think. Danner wrapped up a bunch of stuffed animals and told me they were my babies and he wanted to name 1 Tyler. I said we already had a baby Tyler and he said “Yeah but he’s dead”. He came in later and asked to see his blankie and footprints so we got the box out. We talked about how tiny he was and why we couldn’t take him out of my tummy before he was sick. Then a pizza roll commercial came on and he said “ooh I like those!” and was done. He asked to put the box up,I told him to be careful and he said yeah b/c it is really special.
I called Mark today to see if he could watch the boys tomorrow. I didn’t realize how far behind he was at work, I figured he was going all this time so hadn’t missed much. I didn’t really think about him being sick and upset and not accomplishing as much as normal. I felt bad about not thinking about him, I have been so wrapped up in me this whole time.
Stupid me googled again today. It says having a 2nd tri loss increases the chances your next pg will be lost too! But we know plenty of people who have gone on to have healthy babies! 3% of pg (25% of m/c) occur in the 2nd tri. After you’ve heard the hb, which we did twice, your m/c risk drops to 3-5%! One site said that cord accidents this early were usually caused by something else b/c the cord is made to fix itself. I wonder if Danner having a single umbilical artery and this one are related or indicative of another problem.
I think it is finally hit me today that there is nothing in my tummy and I really want to be pg again. How do I know that it’s because I want another baby and not just because I am heartbroken and want to replace Tyler? How on earth could I ever be calm and not worry every second if it was still alive?
Sat Feb 16th
Got up and took Ranger to his ball game this morning. Then, I went out to luch with a couple of friends. It went ok, I probably said a few things that shouldn’t be said over lunch but they asked. They are good friends and I know they love me anyway. I came home and just cratered. The heaviness and sadness took over and I just wanted to sit in the bottom of the shower and go to bed. I can’t get the picture of the u/s out of my head when I realized there was no h/b and I can’t get his little hand out of my head. Then I feel bad, b/c I feel like Mark is going to get sick of me crying and moping around the house pretty soon - not to mention the house is a nasty stinking mess, but I just can’t get up and do anything about it. Mark came in and laid down with me and him just being there helped so much. After a lot of sobbing and some time together, I felt like I would make it through it - at least the rest of the day
Sun Feb 17
We got up and went to church this morning - it wasn’t near as hard as I thought it would be, but I still cried most of the time.
I managed to go a whole day without getting on the internet and reading or getting on the bulletin boards. I would just sit all day and do it if I could, but I need to stop. It’s just so reassuring to know that everything I’m feeling is normal and I’m not the only one feeling that way. One girl said her Dr told her that a cord accident this early was a 1 in a million occurrence - there are 4 of us that have had them in the last few weeks.
I did go the whole day without a huge sobbing episode, but I still just feel sick and foggy.
Tonight is 1 week since Tyler was born. I hate the time ticking away, I feel like I am going off and leaving him on Feb 11, 2008. Pretty soon the time will be marked by weeks, then months . . ..
Mon Feb 18th
While we were eating bkfst this morning, Danner said Tyler could see us in our hearts and he believes us. I said yes he can. Then Danner asked what his voice sounded like, I told him I didn’t know I never got to hear it. He asked “why, was he asleep?”, “no baby, he died” “In your tummy?” “yes” “yuck”. Then he started singing the bumblebee song and went off to watch tv. I really like his thoughts on Tyler, they truly come from his heart!
It’s been a week today - I want nothing more than to crawl in bed and not get out, I didn’t even really want to get up and take Ranger to school. Danner and I went to WalMart and I was tired, but I didn’t cry! I have gone 2 days without completely sobbing so maybe I am finally starting to move on.
I spent a lot of time on the internet and emailing today. Reading everyone’s emails makes me feel a little better and it’s much easier than talking. They are also starting to talk about other things in them which is nice. A girl on the miscarriage board suggested journaling and hers was beautiful so here I am. I talked to mom and the boys, they are happy and having fun. She told me that yesterday was my Grandmommy’s birthday. I don’t know how that makes me feel. Just made my cry like everything else. She said Danner said Jesus is beating on his heart with a shovel
Today I am torn, my broken heart wants another baby. My mind and my body are saying no way it’s too dangerous and scary.
Mark took me to Grapevine to spend the night and out to eat. On they way, Kala texted me and told me Lyndi was having her baby right now. It just sucks. I was hoping that I was going to have a few more days before I had to deal with that. Then Donna sent me a picture. I was happy for a split second, then the tears flowed. It killed me to see her picture, but I’m kinda glad she sent it and I am so glad that Lyndi had a healthy baby. Mark said he was happy for them, but it sucks for us. That seems to be our theme lately.
We had a really good dinner and were able to talk a lot which was good. I didn’t even cry over dinner! Something mom said finally sunk in - this baby wasn’t “nothing” there are so many people that loved him and have been affected by the short time we had him.
Wednesday Feb 13 - Our 9th Anniversary
Mark was soo sick last night! I feel bad because I don’t feel like I’m taking very good care of him. We just got up and came home b/c he was feeling so bad. He sent me on an errand to the bank which kinda pissed me off, I just don’t think I can talk to anyone. But I decided that I needed to suck it up and do it and I’m glad I did. If I don’t force myself out of the hole, I’ll never get out of here. While I was out, I went to Target and bought Tyler a little bib. I feel horrible that I never bought him anything that was his. When I got home, it all hit me. It was the most horrible heavy empty sad feeling. I got on the internet for awhile, then just sat here in the dark and cried. When Mark got home, I started crying. I feel bad, I know at some point, he is going to get tired of my crying all the time. He brought me some goodies for our anniversary and lots of chocolate. That’s about all I’ve been eating. I’ve been eating the turtles all day that Julia brought by.
Thurs Feb 14th
Happy Freakin' Valentines Day. I did not want to get out of bed today. Craig was coming by to get my car to go pick up the boys so I had to get up and at least brush my teeth. Right now, I am sitting here numb. I need to quit living on the bulletin boards and try to function, I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to pick any of this mess up and I don’t want to do laundry. I feel so heavy. I hope that I can function when the boys get home later today.
I can’t believe how much better I felt as soon as the boys came in the house. Of course, Ranger puked all over the kitchen as soon as he walked in the door, but he was fine the rest of the night. They have brought joy and life back into the house. I don’t want to take them for granted anymore. We popped all the balloons Mark gave me and it was kinda fun! I felt really empty after they went to bed though.
Fri Feb 15th
Had to get up and take Ranger to school this morning. I didn’t want to look like crap, but I just hate that everyone that sees me thinks I’m ok. I want to tell them that I’m not but they wouldn’t understand. Karen hugged me at the car and I only teared up a little. The classroom was crazy when we got in there so it wasn’t too bad. Stupid me googled cord accidents when we got home. Some say that a cord acc. Is not the cause of death, that it occurs when something else causes it. One study also says that after a death after 10w, the chances of the next pg surviving are less than 25%. That makes me not want to try again, but we know so many that have experienced this and have gone on to have healthy babies. I don’t know what to think. Danner wrapped up a bunch of stuffed animals and told me they were my babies and he wanted to name 1 Tyler. I said we already had a baby Tyler and he said “Yeah but he’s dead”. He came in later and asked to see his blankie and footprints so we got the box out. We talked about how tiny he was and why we couldn’t take him out of my tummy before he was sick. Then a pizza roll commercial came on and he said “ooh I like those!” and was done. He asked to put the box up,I told him to be careful and he said yeah b/c it is really special.
I called Mark today to see if he could watch the boys tomorrow. I didn’t realize how far behind he was at work, I figured he was going all this time so hadn’t missed much. I didn’t really think about him being sick and upset and not accomplishing as much as normal. I felt bad about not thinking about him, I have been so wrapped up in me this whole time.
Stupid me googled again today. It says having a 2nd tri loss increases the chances your next pg will be lost too! But we know plenty of people who have gone on to have healthy babies! 3% of pg (25% of m/c) occur in the 2nd tri. After you’ve heard the hb, which we did twice, your m/c risk drops to 3-5%! One site said that cord accidents this early were usually caused by something else b/c the cord is made to fix itself. I wonder if Danner having a single umbilical artery and this one are related or indicative of another problem.
I think it is finally hit me today that there is nothing in my tummy and I really want to be pg again. How do I know that it’s because I want another baby and not just because I am heartbroken and want to replace Tyler? How on earth could I ever be calm and not worry every second if it was still alive?
Sat Feb 16th
Got up and took Ranger to his ball game this morning. Then, I went out to luch with a couple of friends. It went ok, I probably said a few things that shouldn’t be said over lunch but they asked. They are good friends and I know they love me anyway. I came home and just cratered. The heaviness and sadness took over and I just wanted to sit in the bottom of the shower and go to bed. I can’t get the picture of the u/s out of my head when I realized there was no h/b and I can’t get his little hand out of my head. Then I feel bad, b/c I feel like Mark is going to get sick of me crying and moping around the house pretty soon - not to mention the house is a nasty stinking mess, but I just can’t get up and do anything about it. Mark came in and laid down with me and him just being there helped so much. After a lot of sobbing and some time together, I felt like I would make it through it - at least the rest of the day
Sun Feb 17
We got up and went to church this morning - it wasn’t near as hard as I thought it would be, but I still cried most of the time.
I managed to go a whole day without getting on the internet and reading or getting on the bulletin boards. I would just sit all day and do it if I could, but I need to stop. It’s just so reassuring to know that everything I’m feeling is normal and I’m not the only one feeling that way. One girl said her Dr told her that a cord accident this early was a 1 in a million occurrence - there are 4 of us that have had them in the last few weeks.
I did go the whole day without a huge sobbing episode, but I still just feel sick and foggy.
Tonight is 1 week since Tyler was born. I hate the time ticking away, I feel like I am going off and leaving him on Feb 11, 2008. Pretty soon the time will be marked by weeks, then months . . ..
Mon Feb 18th
While we were eating bkfst this morning, Danner said Tyler could see us in our hearts and he believes us. I said yes he can. Then Danner asked what his voice sounded like, I told him I didn’t know I never got to hear it. He asked “why, was he asleep?”, “no baby, he died” “In your tummy?” “yes” “yuck”. Then he started singing the bumblebee song and went off to watch tv. I really like his thoughts on Tyler, they truly come from his heart!
It’s been a week today - I want nothing more than to crawl in bed and not get out, I didn’t even really want to get up and take Ranger to school. Danner and I went to WalMart and I was tired, but I didn’t cry! I have gone 2 days without completely sobbing so maybe I am finally starting to move on.
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