I was laying in bed last night trying to figure out how to describe the down I've felt for the last few days. I know I'm not in the pit or in a hole - then the word "puddle" popped into my head. I have just been in a little puddle lately. As I was asking God to pull me up from my puddle, I remembered a little girl named Summer that I worked with while I was in college. She was 3 and had a seizure disorder. While she was playing outside, she had a seizure and fell face down in a little puddle and drowned. I realized that these little puddles can become very dangerous if I let myself stay in them too long.
I don't know why these little "aha" moments continue to surprise me. God is working in my life and guiding me through this healing process.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
My Garden
I have decided that this is my memory garden for Tyler. I know better than to try and plant a real garden, between my black thumb, the boys and the dogs I don't think a real one would last very long. I have spent the day here and added a playlist and links to my favorite poetry and scriptures that have helped me along the way. I feel so much better and I am ready for tomorrow.
I can't believe all of this stuff that I have learned how to do! For those of you that don't "know" me, I can barely attach a picture to an email! This has really been a stretch for me and a lesson in patience and persistence.
I can't believe all of this stuff that I have learned how to do! For those of you that don't "know" me, I can barely attach a picture to an email! This has really been a stretch for me and a lesson in patience and persistence.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Blah
A friend of mine texted me today and let me know she is having a girl. She doesn't know about Tyler so she's been keeping us updated on her pregnancy and sending belly pictures every couple of weeks. They haven't bothered me too bad, but I knew it would be harder when she got around the time that I was when we lost Tyler. Her text sent so many different emotions through me - I am so happy that everything is ok, I'm happy that I can shop for a girl, but it also makes it hit home that I'm not ever going to have Tyler. That's a reality that I'm not sure has sunk in yet. I also think about how happy we should have been after that sonogram and instead it was the worst day of my life. This is the biggest low I have had in a long time.
AND, we saw some friends of Mark's tonight. His wife asked me if we were going to try again. Why do people think that's an appropriate question to ask? I appreciate her acknowledging our loss, but I would much prefer a "I'm sorry for your loss" or questions about what happened. I don't know if we are going to try again! As much as I want to have another baby, I'm not sure I want my heart to be ripped out again. Then she asked if it was twins because her sister-in-law lost twins twice and then finally had a little girl. I'm sorry, I don't really care. Man I sound like a witch - I guess she just caught me on the wrong day. But I really am tired of people asking if we are going to try again.
Today has helped me realize that this blog is one thing that helps me feel close to Tyler. When I was thinking about all of this before I got home, I just wanted to come sit down and type it all out here. I find comfort that this is the place that I can come and think about him. This is the only link to him that I have.
I hope the "fine" me will be back tomorrow!
AND, we saw some friends of Mark's tonight. His wife asked me if we were going to try again. Why do people think that's an appropriate question to ask? I appreciate her acknowledging our loss, but I would much prefer a "I'm sorry for your loss" or questions about what happened. I don't know if we are going to try again! As much as I want to have another baby, I'm not sure I want my heart to be ripped out again. Then she asked if it was twins because her sister-in-law lost twins twice and then finally had a little girl. I'm sorry, I don't really care. Man I sound like a witch - I guess she just caught me on the wrong day. But I really am tired of people asking if we are going to try again.
Today has helped me realize that this blog is one thing that helps me feel close to Tyler. When I was thinking about all of this before I got home, I just wanted to come sit down and type it all out here. I find comfort that this is the place that I can come and think about him. This is the only link to him that I have.
I hope the "fine" me will be back tomorrow!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Kids in Texas
I don't know if ya'll know about the horrible ritual that mother's in Texas subject their kids to year after year - the pictures in the bluebonnets! I think Danner looks like I did in most of my bluebonnet pictures while I was growing up. I hated it! And yet, I am passing the torture down to my kids like I swore I never would. I hope they pass the misery ( I mean memories) on to their kids.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Missing Tyler
We were all sitting at lunch yesterday and it hit me - I miss Tyler. I should have one more boy at the table. I can't really figure out why it hit me like that though. He shouldn't have been here yet, how can I miss something I didn't "have"? It was just a strange feeling. I cried last night, then I realized that it must be PMS. I have been doing really good, but I guess the hormones just bring it up to the surface. It's been almost 3 months, and I've heard that it can be a tough bump in the road. I hope it's an easy bump. The 3 month mark will be right around Mother's Day, but we'll be at Disneyland so hopefully it won't be too bad!
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Ooops!
No earth-shattering revelations today. I have realized that I have nothing to wear! I had a wedding shower to go to today and I knew what I was going to wear until I went in the closet this morning and it was gone! I had forgotten that when I was pregnant, I felt so fat that I cleaned out my closet and threw a ton of stuff out that I was convinced I would never fit into again. Now, here I am with nothing to wear.
See, I told you it was nothing earth shattering!
See, I told you it was nothing earth shattering!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Grace
Last weekend, I saw the new babies in our family for the first time. 2 of our cousins had babies after Tyler was born (one was born the next day!). I was really worried about how hard it would be for me to see and hold them, but when I saw them, held them and looked at their sweet faces, I felt nothing but joy, happiness, and thanks for them. It was not at all like I was expecting it to be!
The next night, Donna talked me in to going to the mall with her and Kala to get Kala's glasses fixed. When I got in the backseat of her car, I sat on a box of cd's, and being nosy like I am, I picked them up to see what she had. It was a set on Grace from Duane Sheriff - a pastor in Ok who is really good. I told her I needed to hear that so she let me borrow them. It is so funny how God brings you the things you want to hear. It has really opened my eyes to the things God is doing for me. A friend just blogged about grace and I see that my e-votional for tomorrow is about grace!
Grace is the ability that God gives us to do or be what we cannot do with our own human ability. God's grace is what allowed me to feel love and not pain when I saw Lily and Molly. God's grace has given me this strange sense of peace and acceptance I have had about losing Tyler. I have lost count of the weeks and Thursdays and Mondays have passed without me noticing - and I am ok with all of that!
2 Corinthians 12:9 Jesus told Paul "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." I have read and heard this a million times and it's nothing I really stopped to understand. When we are weak, we don't have our own power to overcome. God's grace gives us the perfect strength to overcome our weakness. Our weakness can be grief, doubt, sin, or even our struggles to be a godly wife and mother. I know that this peace and motivation I have had has been from God. There is no other explanation for why I have scrubbed the grout in the bathroom floor, painted the boys' room, bought and assmbled their bunkbeds and cooked dinner just this week. I asked God for the grace to be a better wife and mother because I don't do a very good job of it on my own. Now I understand about feeling joy in suffering - it makes me thing of the poem "Footprints in the Sand". I know that God is carrying me through this.
I am not one to talk about God, I actually had lost touch with him for a long time. I think that is why this is so exciting for me to see him working in this situation and I just want to share it with everyone. 1 Corinthians 15:10 "But by the grace of God I am what I am . . .yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me."
Thank you God for your amazing grace, for blessing me with Tyler, and for easing the pain of his loss.
The next night, Donna talked me in to going to the mall with her and Kala to get Kala's glasses fixed. When I got in the backseat of her car, I sat on a box of cd's, and being nosy like I am, I picked them up to see what she had. It was a set on Grace from Duane Sheriff - a pastor in Ok who is really good. I told her I needed to hear that so she let me borrow them. It is so funny how God brings you the things you want to hear. It has really opened my eyes to the things God is doing for me. A friend just blogged about grace and I see that my e-votional for tomorrow is about grace!
Grace is the ability that God gives us to do or be what we cannot do with our own human ability. God's grace is what allowed me to feel love and not pain when I saw Lily and Molly. God's grace has given me this strange sense of peace and acceptance I have had about losing Tyler. I have lost count of the weeks and Thursdays and Mondays have passed without me noticing - and I am ok with all of that!
2 Corinthians 12:9 Jesus told Paul "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." I have read and heard this a million times and it's nothing I really stopped to understand. When we are weak, we don't have our own power to overcome. God's grace gives us the perfect strength to overcome our weakness. Our weakness can be grief, doubt, sin, or even our struggles to be a godly wife and mother. I know that this peace and motivation I have had has been from God. There is no other explanation for why I have scrubbed the grout in the bathroom floor, painted the boys' room, bought and assmbled their bunkbeds and cooked dinner just this week. I asked God for the grace to be a better wife and mother because I don't do a very good job of it on my own. Now I understand about feeling joy in suffering - it makes me thing of the poem "Footprints in the Sand". I know that God is carrying me through this.
I am not one to talk about God, I actually had lost touch with him for a long time. I think that is why this is so exciting for me to see him working in this situation and I just want to share it with everyone. 1 Corinthians 15:10 "But by the grace of God I am what I am . . .yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me."
Thank you God for your amazing grace, for blessing me with Tyler, and for easing the pain of his loss.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Sunshine
The sun is shining in my heart today and I am feeling it's warmth. I can't describe the feeling, but everything is right in my world today. It's more than just peace, it's sunny. This verse has been on my heart today Song of Solomon 2:11 "See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone." The clouds and storms may pass over me again, but for now they are over and gone and I am so thankful for that!
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Thank you God
Sunday, I read the stories of 2 precious babies; Ethan lost his battle with cancer, and his friend Sully is fighting for his life. Their parents have been so strong and faithful through their trials and as much as their lives and struggles have been a blessing to their families, all I could think is "thank you God that Tyler didn't have to suffer through anything like that" I know that God is at work in their lives and their families are thankful to have had them even for a short time and I don't want to take anything away from that, but I am so so thankful that Tyler is in heaven and not suffering here on this earth. Thank you God and bless Ethan and give comfort and healing to Sully if it's your will.
Friday, April 4, 2008
The God of Hope
I have gone to church all my life and have been a Christian since I was in my early teens, but I am just now starting to understand what it means to have a relationship with God. I know all about grace, hope, mercy and all that stuff, but I didn't understand it because I had never felt it. God had to let me hang myself a few times when I was younger to get my attention and to get me to look back to Him for guidance, but I have never felt Him speak to me like he has through this journey of loss.
The whole time I was pg with Tyler, the verse from Romans 8:28 was always in my mind: "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to his purpose." I just thought it was about the baby being a boy or a girl and that God knew which one our family needed. Little did I know what was in store for us and that He was speaking to me and giving me a tool to make it through what was to come.
After Tyler died, I have had a lot of questions about God and His will for me. Did he cause this? Did Satan do it? Did he just set nature in motion and let it take it's course? If I want His will for me, why should I ask Him to bless me with another baby? If I ask, is that not being submissive to His will? When people die, I have never been one to ask "why?", I understand cancer and physical things happen to our bodies just as a part of life, but the death of an unborn baby makes no sense. Why does He allow this to happen?
I had prayed before this that God would bring our family closer together, is this a case of "be careful what you ask for, you just might get it?"
Psalm 37:4-5 says "Delight yourself also in the Lord, and he shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." At first, I thought I could just give it to God and he would give me my desire to have a healthy live baby, but then I thought about the wonderful ladies who never get that even when they love God and believe in Him. What if it's His will for me not to have another?
God has spoken to me through a lot of you, and through a notebook I used to keep when I was younger with all the verses that somehow touched my heart and compelled me to write them down. I kept wanting to go talk to our Pastor so he could answer these questions for me, but it never worked out where I could. I realized today that this is something God wants me to study and find my own way, I feel like that is why he has blessed me with so many of you to help me discover the answers to my questions.
Here are my conclusions:
1. God knows what is best for us. He can see the "big" picture that I cannot see. As horrible as this has been, He may have saved us from something much worse. Good has come from this - my marriage has been blessed, we are closer than we have ever been, and I have an understanding of God and what it means to seek Him and trust in Him.
2. God tells us to ask for what we want. Phillipians 3:6-7 says " Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Jesus prayed before his death "Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours be done." I have chosen to ask God for the desires of my heart, but that I will accept His will
3. God did not DO this TO me.
4. God can take the most horrible pain and worst thing that can happen, and cause good things to come out of it
5. There are many things I still don't understand, but I do know that God knows what He is doing and I just have to trust Him. Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths"
I know this is long, but one reason I started this blog, is to talk about this journey God has lead me on. I was done journaling about the actual experience and thought I had nothing left to say, but He is speaking to me so clearly, through your words, songs on the radio, and His word that I had to write it all down. It's too much to keep in my mind. I promise my next posts won't be an entire novel!
With all that said, yes, I did find my joy. This song popped into my head today based on Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." As I trust in Him, God will filll me with joy and peace so much that it will overflow. How wonderful that is!
The whole time I was pg with Tyler, the verse from Romans 8:28 was always in my mind: "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to his purpose." I just thought it was about the baby being a boy or a girl and that God knew which one our family needed. Little did I know what was in store for us and that He was speaking to me and giving me a tool to make it through what was to come.
After Tyler died, I have had a lot of questions about God and His will for me. Did he cause this? Did Satan do it? Did he just set nature in motion and let it take it's course? If I want His will for me, why should I ask Him to bless me with another baby? If I ask, is that not being submissive to His will? When people die, I have never been one to ask "why?", I understand cancer and physical things happen to our bodies just as a part of life, but the death of an unborn baby makes no sense. Why does He allow this to happen?
I had prayed before this that God would bring our family closer together, is this a case of "be careful what you ask for, you just might get it?"
Psalm 37:4-5 says "Delight yourself also in the Lord, and he shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." At first, I thought I could just give it to God and he would give me my desire to have a healthy live baby, but then I thought about the wonderful ladies who never get that even when they love God and believe in Him. What if it's His will for me not to have another?
God has spoken to me through a lot of you, and through a notebook I used to keep when I was younger with all the verses that somehow touched my heart and compelled me to write them down. I kept wanting to go talk to our Pastor so he could answer these questions for me, but it never worked out where I could. I realized today that this is something God wants me to study and find my own way, I feel like that is why he has blessed me with so many of you to help me discover the answers to my questions.
Here are my conclusions:
1. God knows what is best for us. He can see the "big" picture that I cannot see. As horrible as this has been, He may have saved us from something much worse. Good has come from this - my marriage has been blessed, we are closer than we have ever been, and I have an understanding of God and what it means to seek Him and trust in Him.
2. God tells us to ask for what we want. Phillipians 3:6-7 says " Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Jesus prayed before his death "Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours be done." I have chosen to ask God for the desires of my heart, but that I will accept His will
3. God did not DO this TO me.
4. God can take the most horrible pain and worst thing that can happen, and cause good things to come out of it
5. There are many things I still don't understand, but I do know that God knows what He is doing and I just have to trust Him. Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths"
I know this is long, but one reason I started this blog, is to talk about this journey God has lead me on. I was done journaling about the actual experience and thought I had nothing left to say, but He is speaking to me so clearly, through your words, songs on the radio, and His word that I had to write it all down. It's too much to keep in my mind. I promise my next posts won't be an entire novel!
With all that said, yes, I did find my joy. This song popped into my head today based on Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." As I trust in Him, God will filll me with joy and peace so much that it will overflow. How wonderful that is!
Thursday, April 3, 2008
"Normal"
I read this on one of the Babycenter threads, and it really spoke to me:
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age they would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my babies.
Normal is making sure that others remember them.
Normal is that everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.
Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have 1 child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.
Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.
And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age they would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my babies.
Normal is making sure that others remember them.
Normal is that everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.
Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have 1 child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.
Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.
And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
I've lost my joy - have you seen it?
I thought that last (week 4) post would be the end of my journal. Things were getting better and I thought I was getting through this. I don't know how to describe the feeling I'm having right now - I'm not sad, angry, or questioning anymore. I am at peace. I feel pretty normal while I'm out and about, but when I get home, I feel blah. I don't want to get up in the morning, I don't want to do laundry, cook, clean or anything else. I still do what has to be done for my family, but I would rather sit here and do nothing. I guess these are all the things I've been forcing myself to do for the last 2 months so I don't get why I've lost my motivation all of the sudden. God keeps putting songs about joy in my heart, so I've figured out that my joy is lost.
"I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart" and "j-o-y down in my heart, deep deep down in my heart" It must be hiding way down in there somewhere!
"I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart" and "j-o-y down in my heart, deep deep down in my heart" It must be hiding way down in there somewhere!
Friday March 21, 2008
This is a copy of a post I have on my blog about my boys:
I have had some revelations lately about Tyler. A dear friend I have met online shared a devotional with me about faith. Here are a few quotes:
"If we as believers must have things proven to us before we chose to believe, it is not faith but the result of our rational action. True faith demands that we walk by faith because of what we read in God’s Word. God says it---I believe it---that’s good enough for me."
"What is the impossible thing in your life that dominates your life? Let me tell you that you have three choices: 1. You can try to solve the problem with your own abilities and continue with the conflict you now are experiencing. 2. You can place it in the hands of the Lord, but still keep your focus on the impossible situation. 3. You can place it in His hands and then keep your eyes on Him."
"The Lord knows our present situation as well as what lies ahead for us. One of our biggest problems is that we spend too much time looking at our personal situation instead of looking to the One who is able to control our situations."
This really touched me and seemed to go with the verse that God has put on my heart, even before I knew Tyler was gone. Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God". Like the devo says "God says it, I believe it and that's enough for me." I will never know why this happened, but I know that God does and I trust that it was a good reason. I have realized that there are many worse things that could have happened. Maybe God took Tyler when he did to protect us from something worse. I have chosen to be thankful to God for being in control of my life and thankful for the blessing that Tyler has been to all of us. I had put this in God's hands, but I couldn't take my eyes off my pain. I am now looking to God for comfort and guidance. I feel at peace - I know Tyler is in heaven with God and that he won't ever have to suffer the pain of this world that Ranger and Danner will. That is something to be thankful for.
Sorry this was so long, but it was something I feel like I needed to share.
Thank you Kristi for sharing this with me.
I have had some revelations lately about Tyler. A dear friend I have met online shared a devotional with me about faith. Here are a few quotes:
"If we as believers must have things proven to us before we chose to believe, it is not faith but the result of our rational action. True faith demands that we walk by faith because of what we read in God’s Word. God says it---I believe it---that’s good enough for me."
"What is the impossible thing in your life that dominates your life? Let me tell you that you have three choices: 1. You can try to solve the problem with your own abilities and continue with the conflict you now are experiencing. 2. You can place it in the hands of the Lord, but still keep your focus on the impossible situation. 3. You can place it in His hands and then keep your eyes on Him."
"The Lord knows our present situation as well as what lies ahead for us. One of our biggest problems is that we spend too much time looking at our personal situation instead of looking to the One who is able to control our situations."
This really touched me and seemed to go with the verse that God has put on my heart, even before I knew Tyler was gone. Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God". Like the devo says "God says it, I believe it and that's enough for me." I will never know why this happened, but I know that God does and I trust that it was a good reason. I have realized that there are many worse things that could have happened. Maybe God took Tyler when he did to protect us from something worse. I have chosen to be thankful to God for being in control of my life and thankful for the blessing that Tyler has been to all of us. I had put this in God's hands, but I couldn't take my eyes off my pain. I am now looking to God for comfort and guidance. I feel at peace - I know Tyler is in heaven with God and that he won't ever have to suffer the pain of this world that Ranger and Danner will. That is something to be thankful for.
Sorry this was so long, but it was something I feel like I needed to share.
Thank you Kristi for sharing this with me.
Week 4
Tuesday March 4
I made up my mind that I was going to have another good day today. I went and worked up at school then I thought I would go look at cars or something. I went to Mark’s office to use the computer b/c I knew if I went home and got on the computer, I would never get up. I looked up on his bulletin board and he had written Tyler’s name on a piece of paper and hung it up there. It meant so much to me and I don’t really know why. I guess it really helped me feel like Tyler was real and he means as much to Mark as he does to me.
Donna texted me a picture of baby Molly that wasn’t very good. It looked like she had no upper lip. I called Donna b/c I was worried something was wrong with her and she didn’t answer. I figured she was in class or something and didn’t think much of it. This afternoon she hadn’t called me back so I called her. She called me right back and whispered that she was at the hospital. I asked her if everything was ok and she said she’d call me when she got out. Well of course, my mind starting racing and thinking of all the things that were wrong with Lori and the baby and how nobody was calling me b/c they didn’t want to tell me. I thought they had been at the hospital all day and on and on and on. Anyway, they are fine, Donna was at the hospital doing her rotation for class and she wasn’t supposed to have her phone on! Ok so maybe I’m still a mess.
Wed March 5
I thought I was going to have a day where I didn’t have anything to write about - I guess that’s what I get for thinking! After I picked up Ranger, we went to Lowe’s to get a key made and ended up wandering around. On the curtain aisle, there was a girl who was like 55 months pg. I just hurried past her and tried not to look. She had a little boy in her cart that started “talking” to the boys so they stopped and waved and talked to him. I made it through that pretty good then we went on to carpet. We were talking to the saleslady and the boy comes walking up pointing and talking to the boys. It turns out to be her 16 month old grandson. He plays in the carpets with the boys and Danner was so sweet to him. She starts telling me that her daughter is having a homebirth and all I can think is “Is she crazy? What if something happens?“ but I managed just to nod and “uh huh oh yeah that’s great” while she’s talking. She comments on how good Danner is to him and she starts telling me how I really need to have another one and asked had I ever considered another one and on and on and on. I was just nervous Danner was going to say something about our baby being dead or something, but he didn’t. I was so ready to get out of there, but I am having my good day and I’m not going to have a breakdown.
Then, last night Donna gave me the idea of doing the boys handprints and putting them with Tyler’s. I thought I could photocopy his to use b/c I don’t want to use his originals. We went to Mark’s office and the copier couldn’t copy them dark enough (they aren’t real great to begin with). It took everything I had not to bawl right there. I just want a copy of his damn crappy handprints! Is that too much to ask? Evidently today it is. I can’t imagine a place where I can walk in with my dead baby’s tiny handprints and make a good copy of them without looking like a total lunatic! Well crap, at least I am making myself have a good day, or I would be under the covers already!
Fri March 7
I was working in Ranger’s classroom today when Mrs Fritz did roll call. She told them to answer with their brother or sister’s name. Ranger ran over to me and asked me if he could say Tyler. I told him of course he could and he was so proud to say his name when she called on him. It really surprised me b/c Ranger doesn’t really say much about him.
Had the blahs this afternoon, I don’t know what it is about Friday’s
Sat March 8
The boys and I spent all day cleaning up the house for Keeno. It feels good to have a clean house, but I am worn out. It was nice having everyone over and having a little fun, but I didn’t really feel like myself. It was kinda like when your head is stopped up and you don’t feel all there. I don’t know, it just wasn’t me. After a couple of rounds, I was bored and didn’t really care anymore. Then I drug out my box for Julia, Cyndi and Sherri. I wish sometimes I would just keep my big mouth shut. I always say things around them that I wish I didn’t.
Sun March 9
I went to sleep last night and slept good all by myself! I was so tired last night, I figured it was a good night to try it w/o Ambien. I feel like that is a huge step forward.
Monday March 10
It has been 4 weeks today since little Tyler was born. I’m not sad so much about losing him now - I know he’s in a better place. I think what I’m feeling is more trauma from the whole experience - from looking at that screen and realizing he was gone, knowing I had been carrying a dead baby and didn’t even know, delivering a dead baby, the wild hormone swings and body changes, and all the what if’s and not really knowing what happened.
I knew something was wrong. On Brothers and Sisters, when Kitty lost her baby, I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I knew it would happen to me. I told Mark one night that I just didn’t feel like this was going to happen. All I could pray is that whatever did happen, God would use it for something good. I was in such shock at my 8 wk u/s when everything was ok, because I was sure there would be no hb. That makes it hard for me to believe that it was just a cord accident. How would my mind know 7 weeks before that it would happen? I will always wonder if there was something else wrong with him.
Should we try to have another baby? If we do, will this happen again? What if something was wrong with him, is that a risk we want to run? My heart and my body want to have a baby, I just don’t know if my mind is on board. It knows the risks, to me and to the baby. I know I should be thankful for the 2 wonderful boys I have and I am, now it just feels like something is missing.
I wonder how long this will last - is this how I’m going to feel forever? Is this my new normal? I hate feeling like this. I hate the waves of sadness that hit out of the blue. I want to feel happy and ok again, not just hit and miss, but all the time. I’m exhausted by the little things and irritable. I laid in bed last night and was wondering why I was feeling so down, then I realized it was 4 weeks ago today. How does my mind know that? I wish it would quit. I’m tired of counting the weeks and days. I’m tired of this whole mess.
I made up my mind that I was going to have another good day today. I went and worked up at school then I thought I would go look at cars or something. I went to Mark’s office to use the computer b/c I knew if I went home and got on the computer, I would never get up. I looked up on his bulletin board and he had written Tyler’s name on a piece of paper and hung it up there. It meant so much to me and I don’t really know why. I guess it really helped me feel like Tyler was real and he means as much to Mark as he does to me.
Donna texted me a picture of baby Molly that wasn’t very good. It looked like she had no upper lip. I called Donna b/c I was worried something was wrong with her and she didn’t answer. I figured she was in class or something and didn’t think much of it. This afternoon she hadn’t called me back so I called her. She called me right back and whispered that she was at the hospital. I asked her if everything was ok and she said she’d call me when she got out. Well of course, my mind starting racing and thinking of all the things that were wrong with Lori and the baby and how nobody was calling me b/c they didn’t want to tell me. I thought they had been at the hospital all day and on and on and on. Anyway, they are fine, Donna was at the hospital doing her rotation for class and she wasn’t supposed to have her phone on! Ok so maybe I’m still a mess.
Wed March 5
I thought I was going to have a day where I didn’t have anything to write about - I guess that’s what I get for thinking! After I picked up Ranger, we went to Lowe’s to get a key made and ended up wandering around. On the curtain aisle, there was a girl who was like 55 months pg. I just hurried past her and tried not to look. She had a little boy in her cart that started “talking” to the boys so they stopped and waved and talked to him. I made it through that pretty good then we went on to carpet. We were talking to the saleslady and the boy comes walking up pointing and talking to the boys. It turns out to be her 16 month old grandson. He plays in the carpets with the boys and Danner was so sweet to him. She starts telling me that her daughter is having a homebirth and all I can think is “Is she crazy? What if something happens?“ but I managed just to nod and “uh huh oh yeah that’s great” while she’s talking. She comments on how good Danner is to him and she starts telling me how I really need to have another one and asked had I ever considered another one and on and on and on. I was just nervous Danner was going to say something about our baby being dead or something, but he didn’t. I was so ready to get out of there, but I am having my good day and I’m not going to have a breakdown.
Then, last night Donna gave me the idea of doing the boys handprints and putting them with Tyler’s. I thought I could photocopy his to use b/c I don’t want to use his originals. We went to Mark’s office and the copier couldn’t copy them dark enough (they aren’t real great to begin with). It took everything I had not to bawl right there. I just want a copy of his damn crappy handprints! Is that too much to ask? Evidently today it is. I can’t imagine a place where I can walk in with my dead baby’s tiny handprints and make a good copy of them without looking like a total lunatic! Well crap, at least I am making myself have a good day, or I would be under the covers already!
Fri March 7
I was working in Ranger’s classroom today when Mrs Fritz did roll call. She told them to answer with their brother or sister’s name. Ranger ran over to me and asked me if he could say Tyler. I told him of course he could and he was so proud to say his name when she called on him. It really surprised me b/c Ranger doesn’t really say much about him.
Had the blahs this afternoon, I don’t know what it is about Friday’s
Sat March 8
The boys and I spent all day cleaning up the house for Keeno. It feels good to have a clean house, but I am worn out. It was nice having everyone over and having a little fun, but I didn’t really feel like myself. It was kinda like when your head is stopped up and you don’t feel all there. I don’t know, it just wasn’t me. After a couple of rounds, I was bored and didn’t really care anymore. Then I drug out my box for Julia, Cyndi and Sherri. I wish sometimes I would just keep my big mouth shut. I always say things around them that I wish I didn’t.
Sun March 9
I went to sleep last night and slept good all by myself! I was so tired last night, I figured it was a good night to try it w/o Ambien. I feel like that is a huge step forward.
Monday March 10
It has been 4 weeks today since little Tyler was born. I’m not sad so much about losing him now - I know he’s in a better place. I think what I’m feeling is more trauma from the whole experience - from looking at that screen and realizing he was gone, knowing I had been carrying a dead baby and didn’t even know, delivering a dead baby, the wild hormone swings and body changes, and all the what if’s and not really knowing what happened.
I knew something was wrong. On Brothers and Sisters, when Kitty lost her baby, I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I knew it would happen to me. I told Mark one night that I just didn’t feel like this was going to happen. All I could pray is that whatever did happen, God would use it for something good. I was in such shock at my 8 wk u/s when everything was ok, because I was sure there would be no hb. That makes it hard for me to believe that it was just a cord accident. How would my mind know 7 weeks before that it would happen? I will always wonder if there was something else wrong with him.
Should we try to have another baby? If we do, will this happen again? What if something was wrong with him, is that a risk we want to run? My heart and my body want to have a baby, I just don’t know if my mind is on board. It knows the risks, to me and to the baby. I know I should be thankful for the 2 wonderful boys I have and I am, now it just feels like something is missing.
I wonder how long this will last - is this how I’m going to feel forever? Is this my new normal? I hate feeling like this. I hate the waves of sadness that hit out of the blue. I want to feel happy and ok again, not just hit and miss, but all the time. I’m exhausted by the little things and irritable. I laid in bed last night and was wondering why I was feeling so down, then I realized it was 4 weeks ago today. How does my mind know that? I wish it would quit. I’m tired of counting the weeks and days. I’m tired of this whole mess.
Week 3
Tues Feb 26
Had a followup appt with Dr Carrington this morning. He said that they weren’t able to grow any of his tissue b/c he had been gone so long. For some reason that really hurt even though that’s what we were expecting. He is fairly confident that it was just a cord accident. I wish I hadn’t googled b/c now I think there was more to it. Some moms online had autopsy’s but I’m trying really hard just to accept all this and quit questioning - even with not burying him. I know we made the right decision but it’s hard not to feel guilty for just letting the hospital "dispose" of him. He told us there was no rush to decide what we wanted to do next and was very understanding and encouraging. It was a lot more emotional than I thought it was going to be.
Wed Feb 27
Mark and I had a really good talk when we went to bed last night. I was able to get out a lot of my feelings about God, having another baby and just understanding what happened. I am so glad I am able to talk to him about this.
Thurs Feb 28
It has been 3 weeks since this mess all started. I guess that’s why I’ve been in a funk today. I am so tired of being tired, cranky and unmotivated. I do fine as long as I’m not at home, but the longer I stay gone, the more sick and exhausted I feel. Standing in line at Target, I just wanted to lay down and put my face on the cold floor. I think I need to go somewhere, I need something to look forward to.
Fri Feb 29
I am really ticked off today. My stomach looks like the Pillsbury dough boy,my butt is huge, my hemorrhoids are worse now than when I was pg and my boobs are disappearing. I guess when you have a new baby to hold, you don’t care b/c a) you have a baby and b) you can use the baby to cover up your fat and c) you still have fabulous boobs. I would think the least the gods could do is let me keep some boobs since I didn’t get a baby! I just want my body back. And I’m mad at my stupid body - it didn’t know Tyler was gone and now it’s having a really hard time figuring out that I’m not pg anymore. Stupid body, how could it have a dead baby in there for weeks and not know? How could it not know that there’s no baby at all in there anymore?
I am still really struggling with the spiritual aspect of this. Did God cause this? Did the devil? Did nature just take it’s course while God watched? Knowing what I know now, I don’t think a healthy baby can be born without God somehow having a hand in it. Too many things have to go just the right way at just the right time. None of those options is too comforting. God gets you if you’re bad and the devil gets you when you’re good. Can you ever get peace? Is this the answer
to my prayer for something to bring our family together? If it is, I’m sorry I asked.
I started a blog today - not really sure why. I guess it’s just something to do. It will be nice for everyone to be able to get on and see what the boys are up to and see pictures.
Sat March 1
Well the lunatic came out full force today! Last night Mark stayed out late. I called him a few times and he said he was coming home. I tried to go to bed around 11, but couldn’t go to sleep and I didn’t want to take the Ambien while he wasn’t home. I called him at 12 and he didn’t answer. That was it - all these things started going through my head - he was with the hot salesgirl, he really didn’t love me blah blah blah. I called him a few minutes later and he said he was leaving and coming home right then. 30 minutes later when he still hadn’t shown up, I called him again and he was just getting in his truck. I don’t think I have ever been so mad in my life! I knew my feelings were irrational, but I couldn’t fight them. When he got home, I just took my pill and went to bed.
I woke up in a crappy mood this morning and had to take the boys to zoo school. I was so mad at Mark for doing that last night. It’s just crappy of him to think he can stay out until midnight without bothering to call. I would think he would know that I can’t sleep, maybe he doesn’t. I was just numb and sick all day. I was convinced Mark didn’t really love me. I kept telling myself that this was all so irrational, but I just couldn’t quit. He had all but ignored me Thursday night and I barely talked to him at all Friday. I didn’t answer the phone all day when he called b/c I knew I would freak out and start spewing this ridiculous crap. It just snowballed all day. When he finally came home and we talked he told me I was the only person he had ever loved. It made me feel better, I hate being so needy! I know he is stressed at work and still not feeling good, I just need to know he still cares and isn’t getting sick of this lazy wacko he now lives with. He told me he thought Dr Carrington sounded like he really wanted me to take some medication. After today, I think I may need to. I don’t feel sad and depressed, but I feel totally out of control.
Sun March 2
I have decided that I am sick of this. I am going to force myself to start trying to act normal again. I put up some of the laundry piling up in our house as a start. I am going to the chiropractor, getting a massage, a facial and my hair cut this week, whether I feel like getting up and going or not. I do NOT like this needy irritable person I have become and I’m the only one that can change that. I am going to start writing more about the good things and not dwell so much on the bad. I’m not really feeling sad that Tyler is gone, but more that what happened just sucks. It is so brutal on your entire being - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. To be going along, thinking you’re having a baby and in 1 instant it’s gone. Then, on top of that, you have to go through a physical delivery and all the physical and hormonal changes that come with regular childbirth.
I haven’t written enough about how great Mark has really been. Every time I’ve had a breakdown, he has been right there to hold me, reassure me and tell me it’s ok to feel the way I do. I was complaining to him the other day about how big my butt is now and his reply was something like “well you just had a baby”. He seems to have a better grasp on the big picture. I feel so bad that I’m not really taking care of him, the house or the kids and he reassures me that it will take awhile to get over this, that I have lost a child and it’s an emptiness that will always be there.
Monday March 3
Today for the first time, I feel a part of me peeking out. It has been 3 weeks today since Tyler was born and I haven’t cried yet. I look back on him and feel love in my heart instead of sadness. I figure that is a step forward. I don’t feel sad, heavy or any of that bad stuff. I feel the tears there, but I am able to keep them in.
Dad sent me the sweetest email. Probably the most he has ever said about anything like this. I couldn’t read it too close b/c I’m having a good day and I don’t want to start crying.
Lori had her baby tonight. We all thought she would be here at noon and she wasn’t born until 9. I was so scared something was going to happen! I just felt this wave of relief when Donna called and said she was here. Good thing I am making myself have a good day!
Had a followup appt with Dr Carrington this morning. He said that they weren’t able to grow any of his tissue b/c he had been gone so long. For some reason that really hurt even though that’s what we were expecting. He is fairly confident that it was just a cord accident. I wish I hadn’t googled b/c now I think there was more to it. Some moms online had autopsy’s but I’m trying really hard just to accept all this and quit questioning - even with not burying him. I know we made the right decision but it’s hard not to feel guilty for just letting the hospital "dispose" of him. He told us there was no rush to decide what we wanted to do next and was very understanding and encouraging. It was a lot more emotional than I thought it was going to be.
Wed Feb 27
Mark and I had a really good talk when we went to bed last night. I was able to get out a lot of my feelings about God, having another baby and just understanding what happened. I am so glad I am able to talk to him about this.
Thurs Feb 28
It has been 3 weeks since this mess all started. I guess that’s why I’ve been in a funk today. I am so tired of being tired, cranky and unmotivated. I do fine as long as I’m not at home, but the longer I stay gone, the more sick and exhausted I feel. Standing in line at Target, I just wanted to lay down and put my face on the cold floor. I think I need to go somewhere, I need something to look forward to.
Fri Feb 29
I am really ticked off today. My stomach looks like the Pillsbury dough boy,my butt is huge, my hemorrhoids are worse now than when I was pg and my boobs are disappearing. I guess when you have a new baby to hold, you don’t care b/c a) you have a baby and b) you can use the baby to cover up your fat and c) you still have fabulous boobs. I would think the least the gods could do is let me keep some boobs since I didn’t get a baby! I just want my body back. And I’m mad at my stupid body - it didn’t know Tyler was gone and now it’s having a really hard time figuring out that I’m not pg anymore. Stupid body, how could it have a dead baby in there for weeks and not know? How could it not know that there’s no baby at all in there anymore?
I am still really struggling with the spiritual aspect of this. Did God cause this? Did the devil? Did nature just take it’s course while God watched? Knowing what I know now, I don’t think a healthy baby can be born without God somehow having a hand in it. Too many things have to go just the right way at just the right time. None of those options is too comforting. God gets you if you’re bad and the devil gets you when you’re good. Can you ever get peace? Is this the answer
to my prayer for something to bring our family together? If it is, I’m sorry I asked.
I started a blog today - not really sure why. I guess it’s just something to do. It will be nice for everyone to be able to get on and see what the boys are up to and see pictures.
Sat March 1
Well the lunatic came out full force today! Last night Mark stayed out late. I called him a few times and he said he was coming home. I tried to go to bed around 11, but couldn’t go to sleep and I didn’t want to take the Ambien while he wasn’t home. I called him at 12 and he didn’t answer. That was it - all these things started going through my head - he was with the hot salesgirl, he really didn’t love me blah blah blah. I called him a few minutes later and he said he was leaving and coming home right then. 30 minutes later when he still hadn’t shown up, I called him again and he was just getting in his truck. I don’t think I have ever been so mad in my life! I knew my feelings were irrational, but I couldn’t fight them. When he got home, I just took my pill and went to bed.
I woke up in a crappy mood this morning and had to take the boys to zoo school. I was so mad at Mark for doing that last night. It’s just crappy of him to think he can stay out until midnight without bothering to call. I would think he would know that I can’t sleep, maybe he doesn’t. I was just numb and sick all day. I was convinced Mark didn’t really love me. I kept telling myself that this was all so irrational, but I just couldn’t quit. He had all but ignored me Thursday night and I barely talked to him at all Friday. I didn’t answer the phone all day when he called b/c I knew I would freak out and start spewing this ridiculous crap. It just snowballed all day. When he finally came home and we talked he told me I was the only person he had ever loved. It made me feel better, I hate being so needy! I know he is stressed at work and still not feeling good, I just need to know he still cares and isn’t getting sick of this lazy wacko he now lives with. He told me he thought Dr Carrington sounded like he really wanted me to take some medication. After today, I think I may need to. I don’t feel sad and depressed, but I feel totally out of control.
Sun March 2
I have decided that I am sick of this. I am going to force myself to start trying to act normal again. I put up some of the laundry piling up in our house as a start. I am going to the chiropractor, getting a massage, a facial and my hair cut this week, whether I feel like getting up and going or not. I do NOT like this needy irritable person I have become and I’m the only one that can change that. I am going to start writing more about the good things and not dwell so much on the bad. I’m not really feeling sad that Tyler is gone, but more that what happened just sucks. It is so brutal on your entire being - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. To be going along, thinking you’re having a baby and in 1 instant it’s gone. Then, on top of that, you have to go through a physical delivery and all the physical and hormonal changes that come with regular childbirth.
I haven’t written enough about how great Mark has really been. Every time I’ve had a breakdown, he has been right there to hold me, reassure me and tell me it’s ok to feel the way I do. I was complaining to him the other day about how big my butt is now and his reply was something like “well you just had a baby”. He seems to have a better grasp on the big picture. I feel so bad that I’m not really taking care of him, the house or the kids and he reassures me that it will take awhile to get over this, that I have lost a child and it’s an emptiness that will always be there.
Monday March 3
Today for the first time, I feel a part of me peeking out. It has been 3 weeks today since Tyler was born and I haven’t cried yet. I look back on him and feel love in my heart instead of sadness. I figure that is a step forward. I don’t feel sad, heavy or any of that bad stuff. I feel the tears there, but I am able to keep them in.
Dad sent me the sweetest email. Probably the most he has ever said about anything like this. I couldn’t read it too close b/c I’m having a good day and I don’t want to start crying.
Lori had her baby tonight. We all thought she would be here at noon and she wasn’t born until 9. I was so scared something was going to happen! I just felt this wave of relief when Donna called and said she was here. Good thing I am making myself have a good day!
Week2
Tues Feb 19
Got up and took Danner to school. It was hard to go in for the first time for some reason, I guess they are the only other people that know that I haven’t seen yet. I went and helped Mrs Fritz at school. It was nice to do something to get my mind off things for awhile.
Danner came in last night and said he was sad baby Tyler was dead. He said he can’t see him in his heart b/c his eyes are looking straight ahead. He asked if he cried when they took him out of my tummy. He said he didn’t want to be dead
Wed Feb 20
I feel like crap today - I don’t know if I’m getting sick or what. It’s hard to tell what’s emotional and what’s physical. I didn’t take the Ambien last night b/c I took some sinus medicine and thought it would knock me out enough. I feel like I never really went to sleep and when I did, I had nightmares. I guess I’m going to keep taking it.
A lot of the girls on BBC say that I’m strong for going out and doing so much. It doesn’t feel that way. I feel like a blob just doing what has to be done. The boys deserve to have a semi-normal mom. I made myself get out today and go get a peel. I feel like I need to look extra good right now, I guess so I look like I’m ok. I even get up and dry my hair every morning - no pony tails.
I found out today that Krystal is having a girl and Lori is having another u/s to check the size of the baby so she doesn’t get too big. I get so nervous and sick thinking about them losing their babies too. I’m scared they’re going to go in and not be able to find a hb either. I don’t even care that Krystal is having another girl, I’m just happy the baby is ok.
I wonder when I’ll feel like eating again. All I want is chocolate and junk. Anything healthy just reminds me of being pg. I don’t even want a cheeseburger. I haven’t even really cried today, I guess I’m just at the numb part.
My milk never did come in so there’s 1 thing to be thankful for. This whole process is just so cruel, I’m glad that’s 1 thing I didn’t have to suffer through.
Thurs Feb 21
The wave of sadness hit again yesterday evening and hasn’t gone away. I cried as soon as I woke up this morning. Mark really hurt my feelings last night He came to sit down by me and I asked him if he was going to sit by me tonight and he said it depends on how I act. Then he goes on to talk about how hot this salesgirl was that came into the office today! I really trying hard not to be mad and hurt b/c I know I am way overly sensitive right now but it made me feel alone. I know he didn’t mean anything by it. Now this morning all I can do is cry. I thought I was past this part, I haven’t really cried in a few days. I’m just so sad. Today is 2 weeks since we found out he was gone. Will there ever be another Thursday or Monday or 11th of the month that I won’t cry? I don’t think I will ever forget looking at that screen and realizing there was no hb in the baby. Oh crap the sobbing is back too. I did nothing but cry all day - I even got up and ironed mark’s tshirts to give me something to do. He came home from work early and just having him here makes me feel better. He said he hadn’t gotten to see me cry in 2 or 3 days and that made me feel like he wasn’t sick of me yet. He was so encouraging and told me I would be myself again someday and asked how I was feeling. I told him it feels more physical than emotional. I feel so heavy and empty and just not like myself. I said I just want this to be over with. He said I would probably be mad at myself when I don’t feel this anymore. He’s probably right.
Fri Feb 22
I didn’t wake up crying today, that’s an improvement over yesterday. Not that I haven’t cried already though. Jennifer emailed me today and told me she’s having a baby in Sept. More than it hurts, I am so scared that something is going to go wrong. I don’t want anyone I know to have to go through this. I don’t know what to think today. I am so tired of being sad and not being me. I don’t want to leave Tyler behind or ever forget, but what good is it doing me? It won’t ever bring him back and there’s nothing that will change it. I just want it to be over.
Sat Feb 23
Today is Ranger’s 6th birthday. I usually want to think back on the day he was born, but I couldn’t let myself do that today. All I could think back to was Tyler. Ranger did great in his last basketball game and then we had his party at Bouncin Bonanza. Ranger had a great day and got tons of stuff!
Sun Feb 24
Dad and I worked on the garage all day. I feel physically better and stronger than I have since this started. I even ate twice today. Maybe my appetite has finally come back. Mark mentioned that stupid salesgirl again and it made me cry. I can tell my hormones or my emotions are still really screwed up. I don’t know why some things about him are hurting me so bad right now. He has been so kind, gentle and patient with me.
Mon Feb25
I realize today that God was watching over me and not letting me do anything that would have made me think hurt the baby. It’s been a pretty good day so far - didn’t even cry in the shower this morning. The sun is out today and it’s hot - everything feels so bright and fresh.
Today, I don’t know if I want another baby. The boys are at such a good age right now and so independent. I don’t know if I could keep up with them if we had a baby. I want to be pg again though, I don’t want my last baby to be a dead one. I don’t want this to be my memory of being pg and having babies. The boys both said today that they wish Tyler wasn’t dead when he came out of my tummy. Today it's been 2 weeks since he was born, and it has been a busy 2 weeks; Mark and Ranger had the flu, Lyndi had her baby, our hot water heater went out, the septic tank backed up and we had a bday party for Ranger.
Got up and took Danner to school. It was hard to go in for the first time for some reason, I guess they are the only other people that know that I haven’t seen yet. I went and helped Mrs Fritz at school. It was nice to do something to get my mind off things for awhile.
Danner came in last night and said he was sad baby Tyler was dead. He said he can’t see him in his heart b/c his eyes are looking straight ahead. He asked if he cried when they took him out of my tummy. He said he didn’t want to be dead
Wed Feb 20
I feel like crap today - I don’t know if I’m getting sick or what. It’s hard to tell what’s emotional and what’s physical. I didn’t take the Ambien last night b/c I took some sinus medicine and thought it would knock me out enough. I feel like I never really went to sleep and when I did, I had nightmares. I guess I’m going to keep taking it.
A lot of the girls on BBC say that I’m strong for going out and doing so much. It doesn’t feel that way. I feel like a blob just doing what has to be done. The boys deserve to have a semi-normal mom. I made myself get out today and go get a peel. I feel like I need to look extra good right now, I guess so I look like I’m ok. I even get up and dry my hair every morning - no pony tails.
I found out today that Krystal is having a girl and Lori is having another u/s to check the size of the baby so she doesn’t get too big. I get so nervous and sick thinking about them losing their babies too. I’m scared they’re going to go in and not be able to find a hb either. I don’t even care that Krystal is having another girl, I’m just happy the baby is ok.
I wonder when I’ll feel like eating again. All I want is chocolate and junk. Anything healthy just reminds me of being pg. I don’t even want a cheeseburger. I haven’t even really cried today, I guess I’m just at the numb part.
My milk never did come in so there’s 1 thing to be thankful for. This whole process is just so cruel, I’m glad that’s 1 thing I didn’t have to suffer through.
Thurs Feb 21
The wave of sadness hit again yesterday evening and hasn’t gone away. I cried as soon as I woke up this morning. Mark really hurt my feelings last night He came to sit down by me and I asked him if he was going to sit by me tonight and he said it depends on how I act. Then he goes on to talk about how hot this salesgirl was that came into the office today! I really trying hard not to be mad and hurt b/c I know I am way overly sensitive right now but it made me feel alone. I know he didn’t mean anything by it. Now this morning all I can do is cry. I thought I was past this part, I haven’t really cried in a few days. I’m just so sad. Today is 2 weeks since we found out he was gone. Will there ever be another Thursday or Monday or 11th of the month that I won’t cry? I don’t think I will ever forget looking at that screen and realizing there was no hb in the baby. Oh crap the sobbing is back too. I did nothing but cry all day - I even got up and ironed mark’s tshirts to give me something to do. He came home from work early and just having him here makes me feel better. He said he hadn’t gotten to see me cry in 2 or 3 days and that made me feel like he wasn’t sick of me yet. He was so encouraging and told me I would be myself again someday and asked how I was feeling. I told him it feels more physical than emotional. I feel so heavy and empty and just not like myself. I said I just want this to be over with. He said I would probably be mad at myself when I don’t feel this anymore. He’s probably right.
Fri Feb 22
I didn’t wake up crying today, that’s an improvement over yesterday. Not that I haven’t cried already though. Jennifer emailed me today and told me she’s having a baby in Sept. More than it hurts, I am so scared that something is going to go wrong. I don’t want anyone I know to have to go through this. I don’t know what to think today. I am so tired of being sad and not being me. I don’t want to leave Tyler behind or ever forget, but what good is it doing me? It won’t ever bring him back and there’s nothing that will change it. I just want it to be over.
Sat Feb 23
Today is Ranger’s 6th birthday. I usually want to think back on the day he was born, but I couldn’t let myself do that today. All I could think back to was Tyler. Ranger did great in his last basketball game and then we had his party at Bouncin Bonanza. Ranger had a great day and got tons of stuff!
Sun Feb 24
Dad and I worked on the garage all day. I feel physically better and stronger than I have since this started. I even ate twice today. Maybe my appetite has finally come back. Mark mentioned that stupid salesgirl again and it made me cry. I can tell my hormones or my emotions are still really screwed up. I don’t know why some things about him are hurting me so bad right now. He has been so kind, gentle and patient with me.
Mon Feb25
I realize today that God was watching over me and not letting me do anything that would have made me think hurt the baby. It’s been a pretty good day so far - didn’t even cry in the shower this morning. The sun is out today and it’s hot - everything feels so bright and fresh.
Today, I don’t know if I want another baby. The boys are at such a good age right now and so independent. I don’t know if I could keep up with them if we had a baby. I want to be pg again though, I don’t want my last baby to be a dead one. I don’t want this to be my memory of being pg and having babies. The boys both said today that they wish Tyler wasn’t dead when he came out of my tummy. Today it's been 2 weeks since he was born, and it has been a busy 2 weeks; Mark and Ranger had the flu, Lyndi had her baby, our hot water heater went out, the septic tank backed up and we had a bday party for Ranger.
Week 1
Day 1 Tuesday Feb 12
I spent a lot of time on the internet and emailing today. Reading everyone’s emails makes me feel a little better and it’s much easier than talking. They are also starting to talk about other things in them which is nice. A girl on the miscarriage board suggested journaling and hers was beautiful so here I am. I talked to mom and the boys, they are happy and having fun. She told me that yesterday was my Grandmommy’s birthday. I don’t know how that makes me feel. Just made my cry like everything else. She said Danner said Jesus is beating on his heart with a shovel
Today I am torn, my broken heart wants another baby. My mind and my body are saying no way it’s too dangerous and scary.
Mark took me to Grapevine to spend the night and out to eat. On they way, Kala texted me and told me Lyndi was having her baby right now. It just sucks. I was hoping that I was going to have a few more days before I had to deal with that. Then Donna sent me a picture. I was happy for a split second, then the tears flowed. It killed me to see her picture, but I’m kinda glad she sent it and I am so glad that Lyndi had a healthy baby. Mark said he was happy for them, but it sucks for us. That seems to be our theme lately.
We had a really good dinner and were able to talk a lot which was good. I didn’t even cry over dinner! Something mom said finally sunk in - this baby wasn’t “nothing” there are so many people that loved him and have been affected by the short time we had him.
Wednesday Feb 13 - Our 9th Anniversary
Mark was soo sick last night! I feel bad because I don’t feel like I’m taking very good care of him. We just got up and came home b/c he was feeling so bad. He sent me on an errand to the bank which kinda pissed me off, I just don’t think I can talk to anyone. But I decided that I needed to suck it up and do it and I’m glad I did. If I don’t force myself out of the hole, I’ll never get out of here. While I was out, I went to Target and bought Tyler a little bib. I feel horrible that I never bought him anything that was his. When I got home, it all hit me. It was the most horrible heavy empty sad feeling. I got on the internet for awhile, then just sat here in the dark and cried. When Mark got home, I started crying. I feel bad, I know at some point, he is going to get tired of my crying all the time. He brought me some goodies for our anniversary and lots of chocolate. That’s about all I’ve been eating. I’ve been eating the turtles all day that Julia brought by.
Thurs Feb 14th
Happy Freakin' Valentines Day. I did not want to get out of bed today. Craig was coming by to get my car to go pick up the boys so I had to get up and at least brush my teeth. Right now, I am sitting here numb. I need to quit living on the bulletin boards and try to function, I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to pick any of this mess up and I don’t want to do laundry. I feel so heavy. I hope that I can function when the boys get home later today.
I can’t believe how much better I felt as soon as the boys came in the house. Of course, Ranger puked all over the kitchen as soon as he walked in the door, but he was fine the rest of the night. They have brought joy and life back into the house. I don’t want to take them for granted anymore. We popped all the balloons Mark gave me and it was kinda fun! I felt really empty after they went to bed though.
Fri Feb 15th
Had to get up and take Ranger to school this morning. I didn’t want to look like crap, but I just hate that everyone that sees me thinks I’m ok. I want to tell them that I’m not but they wouldn’t understand. Karen hugged me at the car and I only teared up a little. The classroom was crazy when we got in there so it wasn’t too bad. Stupid me googled cord accidents when we got home. Some say that a cord acc. Is not the cause of death, that it occurs when something else causes it. One study also says that after a death after 10w, the chances of the next pg surviving are less than 25%. That makes me not want to try again, but we know so many that have experienced this and have gone on to have healthy babies. I don’t know what to think. Danner wrapped up a bunch of stuffed animals and told me they were my babies and he wanted to name 1 Tyler. I said we already had a baby Tyler and he said “Yeah but he’s dead”. He came in later and asked to see his blankie and footprints so we got the box out. We talked about how tiny he was and why we couldn’t take him out of my tummy before he was sick. Then a pizza roll commercial came on and he said “ooh I like those!” and was done. He asked to put the box up,I told him to be careful and he said yeah b/c it is really special.
I called Mark today to see if he could watch the boys tomorrow. I didn’t realize how far behind he was at work, I figured he was going all this time so hadn’t missed much. I didn’t really think about him being sick and upset and not accomplishing as much as normal. I felt bad about not thinking about him, I have been so wrapped up in me this whole time.
Stupid me googled again today. It says having a 2nd tri loss increases the chances your next pg will be lost too! But we know plenty of people who have gone on to have healthy babies! 3% of pg (25% of m/c) occur in the 2nd tri. After you’ve heard the hb, which we did twice, your m/c risk drops to 3-5%! One site said that cord accidents this early were usually caused by something else b/c the cord is made to fix itself. I wonder if Danner having a single umbilical artery and this one are related or indicative of another problem.
I think it is finally hit me today that there is nothing in my tummy and I really want to be pg again. How do I know that it’s because I want another baby and not just because I am heartbroken and want to replace Tyler? How on earth could I ever be calm and not worry every second if it was still alive?
Sat Feb 16th
Got up and took Ranger to his ball game this morning. Then, I went out to luch with a couple of friends. It went ok, I probably said a few things that shouldn’t be said over lunch but they asked. They are good friends and I know they love me anyway. I came home and just cratered. The heaviness and sadness took over and I just wanted to sit in the bottom of the shower and go to bed. I can’t get the picture of the u/s out of my head when I realized there was no h/b and I can’t get his little hand out of my head. Then I feel bad, b/c I feel like Mark is going to get sick of me crying and moping around the house pretty soon - not to mention the house is a nasty stinking mess, but I just can’t get up and do anything about it. Mark came in and laid down with me and him just being there helped so much. After a lot of sobbing and some time together, I felt like I would make it through it - at least the rest of the day
Sun Feb 17
We got up and went to church this morning - it wasn’t near as hard as I thought it would be, but I still cried most of the time.
I managed to go a whole day without getting on the internet and reading or getting on the bulletin boards. I would just sit all day and do it if I could, but I need to stop. It’s just so reassuring to know that everything I’m feeling is normal and I’m not the only one feeling that way. One girl said her Dr told her that a cord accident this early was a 1 in a million occurrence - there are 4 of us that have had them in the last few weeks.
I did go the whole day without a huge sobbing episode, but I still just feel sick and foggy.
Tonight is 1 week since Tyler was born. I hate the time ticking away, I feel like I am going off and leaving him on Feb 11, 2008. Pretty soon the time will be marked by weeks, then months . . ..
Mon Feb 18th
While we were eating bkfst this morning, Danner said Tyler could see us in our hearts and he believes us. I said yes he can. Then Danner asked what his voice sounded like, I told him I didn’t know I never got to hear it. He asked “why, was he asleep?”, “no baby, he died” “In your tummy?” “yes” “yuck”. Then he started singing the bumblebee song and went off to watch tv. I really like his thoughts on Tyler, they truly come from his heart!
It’s been a week today - I want nothing more than to crawl in bed and not get out, I didn’t even really want to get up and take Ranger to school. Danner and I went to WalMart and I was tired, but I didn’t cry! I have gone 2 days without completely sobbing so maybe I am finally starting to move on.
I spent a lot of time on the internet and emailing today. Reading everyone’s emails makes me feel a little better and it’s much easier than talking. They are also starting to talk about other things in them which is nice. A girl on the miscarriage board suggested journaling and hers was beautiful so here I am. I talked to mom and the boys, they are happy and having fun. She told me that yesterday was my Grandmommy’s birthday. I don’t know how that makes me feel. Just made my cry like everything else. She said Danner said Jesus is beating on his heart with a shovel
Today I am torn, my broken heart wants another baby. My mind and my body are saying no way it’s too dangerous and scary.
Mark took me to Grapevine to spend the night and out to eat. On they way, Kala texted me and told me Lyndi was having her baby right now. It just sucks. I was hoping that I was going to have a few more days before I had to deal with that. Then Donna sent me a picture. I was happy for a split second, then the tears flowed. It killed me to see her picture, but I’m kinda glad she sent it and I am so glad that Lyndi had a healthy baby. Mark said he was happy for them, but it sucks for us. That seems to be our theme lately.
We had a really good dinner and were able to talk a lot which was good. I didn’t even cry over dinner! Something mom said finally sunk in - this baby wasn’t “nothing” there are so many people that loved him and have been affected by the short time we had him.
Wednesday Feb 13 - Our 9th Anniversary
Mark was soo sick last night! I feel bad because I don’t feel like I’m taking very good care of him. We just got up and came home b/c he was feeling so bad. He sent me on an errand to the bank which kinda pissed me off, I just don’t think I can talk to anyone. But I decided that I needed to suck it up and do it and I’m glad I did. If I don’t force myself out of the hole, I’ll never get out of here. While I was out, I went to Target and bought Tyler a little bib. I feel horrible that I never bought him anything that was his. When I got home, it all hit me. It was the most horrible heavy empty sad feeling. I got on the internet for awhile, then just sat here in the dark and cried. When Mark got home, I started crying. I feel bad, I know at some point, he is going to get tired of my crying all the time. He brought me some goodies for our anniversary and lots of chocolate. That’s about all I’ve been eating. I’ve been eating the turtles all day that Julia brought by.
Thurs Feb 14th
Happy Freakin' Valentines Day. I did not want to get out of bed today. Craig was coming by to get my car to go pick up the boys so I had to get up and at least brush my teeth. Right now, I am sitting here numb. I need to quit living on the bulletin boards and try to function, I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to pick any of this mess up and I don’t want to do laundry. I feel so heavy. I hope that I can function when the boys get home later today.
I can’t believe how much better I felt as soon as the boys came in the house. Of course, Ranger puked all over the kitchen as soon as he walked in the door, but he was fine the rest of the night. They have brought joy and life back into the house. I don’t want to take them for granted anymore. We popped all the balloons Mark gave me and it was kinda fun! I felt really empty after they went to bed though.
Fri Feb 15th
Had to get up and take Ranger to school this morning. I didn’t want to look like crap, but I just hate that everyone that sees me thinks I’m ok. I want to tell them that I’m not but they wouldn’t understand. Karen hugged me at the car and I only teared up a little. The classroom was crazy when we got in there so it wasn’t too bad. Stupid me googled cord accidents when we got home. Some say that a cord acc. Is not the cause of death, that it occurs when something else causes it. One study also says that after a death after 10w, the chances of the next pg surviving are less than 25%. That makes me not want to try again, but we know so many that have experienced this and have gone on to have healthy babies. I don’t know what to think. Danner wrapped up a bunch of stuffed animals and told me they were my babies and he wanted to name 1 Tyler. I said we already had a baby Tyler and he said “Yeah but he’s dead”. He came in later and asked to see his blankie and footprints so we got the box out. We talked about how tiny he was and why we couldn’t take him out of my tummy before he was sick. Then a pizza roll commercial came on and he said “ooh I like those!” and was done. He asked to put the box up,I told him to be careful and he said yeah b/c it is really special.
I called Mark today to see if he could watch the boys tomorrow. I didn’t realize how far behind he was at work, I figured he was going all this time so hadn’t missed much. I didn’t really think about him being sick and upset and not accomplishing as much as normal. I felt bad about not thinking about him, I have been so wrapped up in me this whole time.
Stupid me googled again today. It says having a 2nd tri loss increases the chances your next pg will be lost too! But we know plenty of people who have gone on to have healthy babies! 3% of pg (25% of m/c) occur in the 2nd tri. After you’ve heard the hb, which we did twice, your m/c risk drops to 3-5%! One site said that cord accidents this early were usually caused by something else b/c the cord is made to fix itself. I wonder if Danner having a single umbilical artery and this one are related or indicative of another problem.
I think it is finally hit me today that there is nothing in my tummy and I really want to be pg again. How do I know that it’s because I want another baby and not just because I am heartbroken and want to replace Tyler? How on earth could I ever be calm and not worry every second if it was still alive?
Sat Feb 16th
Got up and took Ranger to his ball game this morning. Then, I went out to luch with a couple of friends. It went ok, I probably said a few things that shouldn’t be said over lunch but they asked. They are good friends and I know they love me anyway. I came home and just cratered. The heaviness and sadness took over and I just wanted to sit in the bottom of the shower and go to bed. I can’t get the picture of the u/s out of my head when I realized there was no h/b and I can’t get his little hand out of my head. Then I feel bad, b/c I feel like Mark is going to get sick of me crying and moping around the house pretty soon - not to mention the house is a nasty stinking mess, but I just can’t get up and do anything about it. Mark came in and laid down with me and him just being there helped so much. After a lot of sobbing and some time together, I felt like I would make it through it - at least the rest of the day
Sun Feb 17
We got up and went to church this morning - it wasn’t near as hard as I thought it would be, but I still cried most of the time.
I managed to go a whole day without getting on the internet and reading or getting on the bulletin boards. I would just sit all day and do it if I could, but I need to stop. It’s just so reassuring to know that everything I’m feeling is normal and I’m not the only one feeling that way. One girl said her Dr told her that a cord accident this early was a 1 in a million occurrence - there are 4 of us that have had them in the last few weeks.
I did go the whole day without a huge sobbing episode, but I still just feel sick and foggy.
Tonight is 1 week since Tyler was born. I hate the time ticking away, I feel like I am going off and leaving him on Feb 11, 2008. Pretty soon the time will be marked by weeks, then months . . ..
Mon Feb 18th
While we were eating bkfst this morning, Danner said Tyler could see us in our hearts and he believes us. I said yes he can. Then Danner asked what his voice sounded like, I told him I didn’t know I never got to hear it. He asked “why, was he asleep?”, “no baby, he died” “In your tummy?” “yes” “yuck”. Then he started singing the bumblebee song and went off to watch tv. I really like his thoughts on Tyler, they truly come from his heart!
It’s been a week today - I want nothing more than to crawl in bed and not get out, I didn’t even really want to get up and take Ranger to school. Danner and I went to WalMart and I was tired, but I didn’t cry! I have gone 2 days without completely sobbing so maybe I am finally starting to move on.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
The Delivery (all the details)
Sat Feb 9
I had to get up and take Ranger to the Dr - he has the flu. Isn't that great?
Before we left for the hospital, I got in the shower, rubbed my little belly for the last time and bawled. We went by Bennigan's so Mark could get something to eat before we sat at the hospital for who knows how long. I was so scared I was shaking and fighting back tears the whole time. Everyone around us was just so normal and here we were going to have the worst experience of our lives. We got to the hospital and ended up going to postpartum where the lady gave us a hard time when we asked for labor and delivery and we had to explain to her. I just wanted to yell at her. We got to labor and delivery and I told them my name and that we were meeting Dr Neville there at 8. The nurse asked “Is she in labor?” I said no, it’s me and she looked at me like I was a mental patient. I don’t think I have wanted to slap someone so hard in my life. I was so scared not knowing how long this would take or how bad it would hurt. Dr C said it would probably be Sunday night or Monday morning, but I was praying it would just be fast, couldn’t God at least do that? They started the cervadil at about 10 that night, started the cytotec at 10 Sunday morning, another dose at 2 and around 5:30 I was having a sharp pain - the Dr came in to examine me and my water had hourglassed and it broke during the exam. The nurse thought things would happen quickly after this. After the exam, I was waiting every second to feel the baby. I took a dose of cytotec by mouth and again nothing. The Dr came back at midnight, tried to feel for the baby and started pitocin. I was just ready for it to be over. I sat there for 2 hours scared that any little thing was the baby passing. I started having cramps but they weren’t too bad. He came in about 2 and set everything up to just go in and get the baby, since nothing was happening. I decided for some more Demerol. The baby passed without me even feeling it, but the next few minutes were hell trying to get out the placenta and making sure it was all out. I hope that is the most pain I ever have to feel in my life, but I was worried mostly about Mark having to watch me go through it.
I had to get up and take Ranger to the Dr - he has the flu. Isn't that great?
Before we left for the hospital, I got in the shower, rubbed my little belly for the last time and bawled. We went by Bennigan's so Mark could get something to eat before we sat at the hospital for who knows how long. I was so scared I was shaking and fighting back tears the whole time. Everyone around us was just so normal and here we were going to have the worst experience of our lives. We got to the hospital and ended up going to postpartum where the lady gave us a hard time when we asked for labor and delivery and we had to explain to her. I just wanted to yell at her. We got to labor and delivery and I told them my name and that we were meeting Dr Neville there at 8. The nurse asked “Is she in labor?” I said no, it’s me and she looked at me like I was a mental patient. I don’t think I have wanted to slap someone so hard in my life. I was so scared not knowing how long this would take or how bad it would hurt. Dr C said it would probably be Sunday night or Monday morning, but I was praying it would just be fast, couldn’t God at least do that? They started the cervadil at about 10 that night, started the cytotec at 10 Sunday morning, another dose at 2 and around 5:30 I was having a sharp pain - the Dr came in to examine me and my water had hourglassed and it broke during the exam. The nurse thought things would happen quickly after this. After the exam, I was waiting every second to feel the baby. I took a dose of cytotec by mouth and again nothing. The Dr came back at midnight, tried to feel for the baby and started pitocin. I was just ready for it to be over. I sat there for 2 hours scared that any little thing was the baby passing. I started having cramps but they weren’t too bad. He came in about 2 and set everything up to just go in and get the baby, since nothing was happening. I decided for some more Demerol. The baby passed without me even feeling it, but the next few minutes were hell trying to get out the placenta and making sure it was all out. I hope that is the most pain I ever have to feel in my life, but I was worried mostly about Mark having to watch me go through it.
Monday February 11, 2008
The baby was born about 3am and we were SHOCKED that it was a boy!! We named him Tyler. He was so tiny. Mark looked at him but I didn’t. I kind of tried b/c a part of me wanted to look, but the other part of me didn't. The dr showed us his little hand and said his cord was twisted really tight and that was probably what caused it. He had probably been gone a few weeks. I cried a little bit, but I was just numb.
I took a pill to sleep and sent Mark home. I woke up about 8 and was ready to go home. I did a lot better than I thought I would, we sat around, watched TV and waited to be released. Then they bring in the wheelchair and it hits me - I have to leave this safe little place, leave my baby here and go into the real world. It hit me like a ton of bricks. And of course, they pushed me right passed the nursery and through the main lobby. It was so humiliating - I felt like everyone was looking at me and seeing me leave the hopsital without my baby. They probably really weren’t, but it felt like they were.
I cried the whole way home. I went straight to bed and cried. Mark took some time to himself and I hear him crying in the other room. I feel so bad for him, but I don’t know how to get past my own sadness to comfort him. He comes in there and lays with me for awhile and then leaves to go check on a job. I just cry. I spend more time reading the board on the internet and find a lot of comfort there. I also start to look back on all the signals I missed: I started feeling so much better, less fatigue around the time to baby died. I also got really snappy and edgy. My belly didn’t really grow, my hair was falling out, my nails weren’t growing. I can’t quit crying. I stop for a minute and then get hit by a huge wave. The nurse put a box together with a sweet little announcements, bracelets, a little cap and pictures of his hands a feet. Mark teased me yesterday that he had my feet b/c his middle toe was longer than his big toe. The pictures weren’t as disturbing as I thought they would be. Then Mark calls and says he feels horrible and is on the way to the Dr. Now he has the flu. Why is this happening? Can’t I catch a break? I guess I switch into mother mode and I go to town to pick up his medicine. I realize on the way home that I hadn’t tried to find the baby’s heartbeat since my last Dr visit. I found it that afternoon and tried again a few days later and couldn’t find it. I never tried again. I thought about it a few times but never got around to doing it.
The baby was born about 3am and we were SHOCKED that it was a boy!! We named him Tyler. He was so tiny. Mark looked at him but I didn’t. I kind of tried b/c a part of me wanted to look, but the other part of me didn't. The dr showed us his little hand and said his cord was twisted really tight and that was probably what caused it. He had probably been gone a few weeks. I cried a little bit, but I was just numb.
I took a pill to sleep and sent Mark home. I woke up about 8 and was ready to go home. I did a lot better than I thought I would, we sat around, watched TV and waited to be released. Then they bring in the wheelchair and it hits me - I have to leave this safe little place, leave my baby here and go into the real world. It hit me like a ton of bricks. And of course, they pushed me right passed the nursery and through the main lobby. It was so humiliating - I felt like everyone was looking at me and seeing me leave the hopsital without my baby. They probably really weren’t, but it felt like they were.
I cried the whole way home. I went straight to bed and cried. Mark took some time to himself and I hear him crying in the other room. I feel so bad for him, but I don’t know how to get past my own sadness to comfort him. He comes in there and lays with me for awhile and then leaves to go check on a job. I just cry. I spend more time reading the board on the internet and find a lot of comfort there. I also start to look back on all the signals I missed: I started feeling so much better, less fatigue around the time to baby died. I also got really snappy and edgy. My belly didn’t really grow, my hair was falling out, my nails weren’t growing. I can’t quit crying. I stop for a minute and then get hit by a huge wave. The nurse put a box together with a sweet little announcements, bracelets, a little cap and pictures of his hands a feet. Mark teased me yesterday that he had my feet b/c his middle toe was longer than his big toe. The pictures weren’t as disturbing as I thought they would be. Then Mark calls and says he feels horrible and is on the way to the Dr. Now he has the flu. Why is this happening? Can’t I catch a break? I guess I switch into mother mode and I go to town to pick up his medicine. I realize on the way home that I hadn’t tried to find the baby’s heartbeat since my last Dr visit. I found it that afternoon and tried again a few days later and couldn’t find it. I never tried again. I thought about it a few times but never got around to doing it.
In the beginning . . .
Feb 7th
Today was the day of my "big" u/s. I have a friend that's a nurse for a hosptial, so she arranged for me to come in because we all couldn't wait to know what the baby was. I was so nervous before I left. I got in the shower and prayed that God knew what was best and I trusted Him. I thought I was just scared to find out if it was a girl. I even got out the doppler and checked for the hb before I left. I picked one up, it was a little slower than usual, but I didn't think anything about it.
Another friend of mine met us up there. After a few minutes of the u/s I noticed that I didn’t see a hb and the baby wasn’t moving - I asked half kidding “Is it even alive?” She just kind of smiled and kept going, that’s when I knew. She finally said the baby had no hb and had swelling of the head and abdomen. My heart was pounding, but I wasn’t really surprised. I have had a bad feeling this whole time - that’s why I wasn’t able to talk about it or tell people or get excited. I haven’t bought 1 thing for this baby, I started to a couple of times but stopped myself for some reason. I mean I had the stuff in my hand and put it down before I checked out.
I just said “It’s ok, I knew it” I felt worse for my friends and the tech really. I didn’t even cry. I had to go pick up Ranger and then his teacher called - they all wanted to know what I was having and she couldn’t wait. I felt bad, but I had to tell her. There are so many people that are excited about this baby! Mark picked up Danner and met us at home. I stopped and bought the boys a movie and 2 video games so they would have something to keep them entertained. I didn’t know what to do. Mark was so good and took the boys for awhile so I could be alone. I don’t really remember what I did - I know I spent some time posting on BBC trying to figure out what was happening. I can look back now on all the things that weren’t right, I hadn’t felt the baby really move, my belly wasn’t growing like it should be, my nails and hair weren’t growing, and about the time the baby died is when my fatigue went away and I was really nesting. In the last couple of weeks, I had cleaned out the garage, the boys closets and starting scrubbing the tile in our bathroom. I just shook it all off as 2nd trimester energy. When the boys got home, I realized Ranger was running fever. I spent the rest of the night holding him. After he went to bed, we just sat in here in shock. Mark and I both searched the internet trying to figure out what was going to happen next and how bad it would be. Mark is worried for me that it’s going to be really bad. I am scared about being induced into labor and how painful it will be. I never want to go through this again. I guess it could be worse, we could have been farther along or could have been stillborn at full term or could have been a severely disabled baby. I didn’t sleep much that night and Ranger ended up in our bed with a raging fever.
Feb 8
Mark got up and went to work. He needed to go and I needed him to go. I don’t really remember much about that day, but my parents got here about 11:30. I think I was on autopilot b/c I got up and dressed and picked up the house and started laundry. Ranger stayed home sick.
When we got to the ob, we had to wait in there with the pg people and a family with a new baby . Dr C came in to watch the u/s and confirmed that the baby was gone and was measuring about 15 weeks (I should have been 18)! He thinks it slowly stopped growing and has been gone a week. He was so great and spent a lot of time to us explaining that we did nothing to cause this and telling us what the process would be like and explained to us some of the feelings we might have. He scheduled us to come in at 8 tomorrow night for an induction - I just don’t know if I can carry a dead baby in me that long. Mark said I’m like the penguin on March of the Penguins that kept messing with its dead baby thinking it would get up. I want it out and I want this baby bump to go away. It kills me every time I look in the mirror. We're still stunned. We left and didn’t want to go home so we went to Weatherford to sign papers on Tony’s truck and then shopping at Central Market. It was so hard - we saw babies, kids and pg people there and it took everything I had not to cry through the whole store. I was fine as long as I didn’t look at Mark or touch him. He gave me a big hug when we got to the truck and I let it go. He knew I needed it. We ended up going out to eat - I didn’t think I could, but neither one of us wanted to go home. I had a drink with my dinner, I was scared I was going to be a crying drunk, but surprisingly, it really helped me to calm down. I think we enjoyed our dinner under the circumstances. I couldn’t eat much, but we had a good time I think I am doing pretty good that this isn’t going to be too bad . . . I do feel like a total jackass for telling people I didn’t want either one when they asked if I wanted a boy or a girl. I feel bad for not being excited but I know it was my body protecting me. I wish I would have savored every minute though.
Ranger slept with us again and ran 104 fever. Why can’t God let me grieve in peace? Isn’t what I’m going through enough to handle?
Today was the day of my "big" u/s. I have a friend that's a nurse for a hosptial, so she arranged for me to come in because we all couldn't wait to know what the baby was. I was so nervous before I left. I got in the shower and prayed that God knew what was best and I trusted Him. I thought I was just scared to find out if it was a girl. I even got out the doppler and checked for the hb before I left. I picked one up, it was a little slower than usual, but I didn't think anything about it.
Another friend of mine met us up there. After a few minutes of the u/s I noticed that I didn’t see a hb and the baby wasn’t moving - I asked half kidding “Is it even alive?” She just kind of smiled and kept going, that’s when I knew. She finally said the baby had no hb and had swelling of the head and abdomen. My heart was pounding, but I wasn’t really surprised. I have had a bad feeling this whole time - that’s why I wasn’t able to talk about it or tell people or get excited. I haven’t bought 1 thing for this baby, I started to a couple of times but stopped myself for some reason. I mean I had the stuff in my hand and put it down before I checked out.
I just said “It’s ok, I knew it” I felt worse for my friends and the tech really. I didn’t even cry. I had to go pick up Ranger and then his teacher called - they all wanted to know what I was having and she couldn’t wait. I felt bad, but I had to tell her. There are so many people that are excited about this baby! Mark picked up Danner and met us at home. I stopped and bought the boys a movie and 2 video games so they would have something to keep them entertained. I didn’t know what to do. Mark was so good and took the boys for awhile so I could be alone. I don’t really remember what I did - I know I spent some time posting on BBC trying to figure out what was happening. I can look back now on all the things that weren’t right, I hadn’t felt the baby really move, my belly wasn’t growing like it should be, my nails and hair weren’t growing, and about the time the baby died is when my fatigue went away and I was really nesting. In the last couple of weeks, I had cleaned out the garage, the boys closets and starting scrubbing the tile in our bathroom. I just shook it all off as 2nd trimester energy. When the boys got home, I realized Ranger was running fever. I spent the rest of the night holding him. After he went to bed, we just sat in here in shock. Mark and I both searched the internet trying to figure out what was going to happen next and how bad it would be. Mark is worried for me that it’s going to be really bad. I am scared about being induced into labor and how painful it will be. I never want to go through this again. I guess it could be worse, we could have been farther along or could have been stillborn at full term or could have been a severely disabled baby. I didn’t sleep much that night and Ranger ended up in our bed with a raging fever.
Feb 8
Mark got up and went to work. He needed to go and I needed him to go. I don’t really remember much about that day, but my parents got here about 11:30. I think I was on autopilot b/c I got up and dressed and picked up the house and started laundry. Ranger stayed home sick.
When we got to the ob, we had to wait in there with the pg people and a family with a new baby . Dr C came in to watch the u/s and confirmed that the baby was gone and was measuring about 15 weeks (I should have been 18)! He thinks it slowly stopped growing and has been gone a week. He was so great and spent a lot of time to us explaining that we did nothing to cause this and telling us what the process would be like and explained to us some of the feelings we might have. He scheduled us to come in at 8 tomorrow night for an induction - I just don’t know if I can carry a dead baby in me that long. Mark said I’m like the penguin on March of the Penguins that kept messing with its dead baby thinking it would get up. I want it out and I want this baby bump to go away. It kills me every time I look in the mirror. We're still stunned. We left and didn’t want to go home so we went to Weatherford to sign papers on Tony’s truck and then shopping at Central Market. It was so hard - we saw babies, kids and pg people there and it took everything I had not to cry through the whole store. I was fine as long as I didn’t look at Mark or touch him. He gave me a big hug when we got to the truck and I let it go. He knew I needed it. We ended up going out to eat - I didn’t think I could, but neither one of us wanted to go home. I had a drink with my dinner, I was scared I was going to be a crying drunk, but surprisingly, it really helped me to calm down. I think we enjoyed our dinner under the circumstances. I couldn’t eat much, but we had a good time I think I am doing pretty good that this isn’t going to be too bad . . . I do feel like a total jackass for telling people I didn’t want either one when they asked if I wanted a boy or a girl. I feel bad for not being excited but I know it was my body protecting me. I wish I would have savored every minute though.
Ranger slept with us again and ran 104 fever. Why can’t God let me grieve in peace? Isn’t what I’m going through enough to handle?
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