Goodbye 2008

As 2008 comes to a close, I just want to remember all of the babies who are not here, but have profoundly touched my life through their deaths.
In loving memory of Tyler, Lucas, Jalissa, Audrey Caroline, Luke, Eli, Brenna, Daniel, Tristan, Chase, Ada, Willow, Cameron, Caden, Elias, Skylar, John, Ashlen, Alexis, Jenna, Elijah, Shannon, Jorie, Harrison, Hunter, Angelic, Gregory, Hannah, Brendan, Hunter Kate, Josie, Bailee, Abigail, Logan, Mitchell, Scarlett, Kasey, Vivian, and the many many others that were unnamed and that I have unintentionally left out. I also want to remember Carter, Lucy, John, Makenna, Dash, and William. Your mothers have all been a great source of comfort, strength and support and I couldn't have made it through this without them.

And a big woohoo! and praise to God for OSD, Landon, Kannon, Krista, Jadyn, William, Faith, Mackenzie, Klaire, Lily & Molly that are here safely and all the rainbow babies that are to come in 2009!
Happy New Year!
This hasn't been the best year for me, but it has brought some really good things to me. I can't say that I am happy or sad for 2008 to end, but I am looking forward to 2009 and all the great things we have in store for us!

It's a boy!

I don't know why out of all the pictures the Dr took, that he gave me the one he called the "skeleton shot" - men I guess! I don't know what the deal is with all these rainbow boys, but I don't care. I honestly didn't care either way, I'm just happy that all looks good and I don't have to go back to the high risk Dr again. I'm getting excited, but then I get scared that I'm so excited and have to stop but I know I'll get there. I feel him move almost every day so that's really reassuring.

BTW, our family has a tradition of names ending in -er so if you have any good ideas, send them my way!

Ornament

This is the ornament I finally decided on for Tyler. I had a hard time deciding what I wanted - angels just don't really seem appropriate and I wanted to find something that would kind of blend in with the rest of our ornaments. I wanted to honor his memory without having a dead baby ornament that sticks out like a sore thumb! I got this one at Things Remembered - I'm not a great photographer, but is has his name, birthdate and "always in our hearts".

Danner (who's 5) was so funny when I told him what we were doing - he said "He doesn't need an ornament, he's dead." And he was serious. He still doesn't really get why he needs an ornament on our tree while he's in heaven. But that conversation made me realize, how lucky is Tyler to actually get to spend Jesus' birthday WITH JESUS?! That realization has made the holidays a little more bearable.

This is the part from Thanksgiving that has taken me awhile to grab hold of and actually write. I really struggled this year with being thankful. I have lots of wonderful things in my life to be thankful for, but all I could think about is what I didn't have. It didn't help that the time in my pregnancy that he Tyler died, just happened to fall during Thanksgiving week with this baby. Then in my blog stalking, I came across some writings of Greg at Light Your World about being thankful for all and in all. Ephesians 5:20 says "Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;" What?! Are you kidding me?! (And it says the same thing no matter what translation you use, so no excuses there) After reading some of what he wrote, people's responses and Angie at Bring The Rain had some of the same questions. After weeks of praying and soul searching I am able to say that I am thankful for Tyler's death. Not happy or glad that it happened, but thankful for all the changes his short life and even his death have brought to my life. I now understand things that I could never have grasped without this experience and it has given me a different perspective on things. Through his death, I see how God has been working in my life for the last few years - even now I know I have heard His voice through other people, I see that He is ALWAYS there, and now I look more forward to heaven than I ever have. The thought of dying used to terrify me, but it's not so scary now that I know Tyler is there waiting for me. I wish I could say that this has all made me a better person outwardly, but that hasn't happened - yet. Thanks for listening to my rambling - I need to post more often so I don't write a novel when I do!