Goodbye 2008

As 2008 comes to a close, I just want to remember all of the babies who are not here, but have profoundly touched my life through their deaths.
In loving memory of Tyler, Lucas, Jalissa, Audrey Caroline, Luke, Eli, Brenna, Daniel, Tristan, Chase, Ada, Willow, Cameron, Caden, Elias, Skylar, John, Ashlen, Alexis, Jenna, Elijah, Shannon, Jorie, Harrison, Hunter, Angelic, Gregory, Hannah, Brendan, Hunter Kate, Josie, Bailee, Abigail, Logan, Mitchell, Scarlett, Kasey, Vivian, and the many many others that were unnamed and that I have unintentionally left out. I also want to remember Carter, Lucy, John, Makenna, Dash, and William. Your mothers have all been a great source of comfort, strength and support and I couldn't have made it through this without them.

And a big woohoo! and praise to God for OSD, Landon, Kannon, Krista, Jadyn, William, Faith, Mackenzie, Klaire, Lily & Molly that are here safely and all the rainbow babies that are to come in 2009!
Happy New Year!
This hasn't been the best year for me, but it has brought some really good things to me. I can't say that I am happy or sad for 2008 to end, but I am looking forward to 2009 and all the great things we have in store for us!

It's a boy!

I don't know why out of all the pictures the Dr took, that he gave me the one he called the "skeleton shot" - men I guess! I don't know what the deal is with all these rainbow boys, but I don't care. I honestly didn't care either way, I'm just happy that all looks good and I don't have to go back to the high risk Dr again. I'm getting excited, but then I get scared that I'm so excited and have to stop but I know I'll get there. I feel him move almost every day so that's really reassuring.

BTW, our family has a tradition of names ending in -er so if you have any good ideas, send them my way!

Ornament

This is the ornament I finally decided on for Tyler. I had a hard time deciding what I wanted - angels just don't really seem appropriate and I wanted to find something that would kind of blend in with the rest of our ornaments. I wanted to honor his memory without having a dead baby ornament that sticks out like a sore thumb! I got this one at Things Remembered - I'm not a great photographer, but is has his name, birthdate and "always in our hearts".

Danner (who's 5) was so funny when I told him what we were doing - he said "He doesn't need an ornament, he's dead." And he was serious. He still doesn't really get why he needs an ornament on our tree while he's in heaven. But that conversation made me realize, how lucky is Tyler to actually get to spend Jesus' birthday WITH JESUS?! That realization has made the holidays a little more bearable.

This is the part from Thanksgiving that has taken me awhile to grab hold of and actually write. I really struggled this year with being thankful. I have lots of wonderful things in my life to be thankful for, but all I could think about is what I didn't have. It didn't help that the time in my pregnancy that he Tyler died, just happened to fall during Thanksgiving week with this baby. Then in my blog stalking, I came across some writings of Greg at Light Your World about being thankful for all and in all. Ephesians 5:20 says "Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;" What?! Are you kidding me?! (And it says the same thing no matter what translation you use, so no excuses there) After reading some of what he wrote, people's responses and Angie at Bring The Rain had some of the same questions. After weeks of praying and soul searching I am able to say that I am thankful for Tyler's death. Not happy or glad that it happened, but thankful for all the changes his short life and even his death have brought to my life. I now understand things that I could never have grasped without this experience and it has given me a different perspective on things. Through his death, I see how God has been working in my life for the last few years - even now I know I have heard His voice through other people, I see that He is ALWAYS there, and now I look more forward to heaven than I ever have. The thought of dying used to terrify me, but it's not so scary now that I know Tyler is there waiting for me. I wish I could say that this has all made me a better person outwardly, but that hasn't happened - yet. Thanks for listening to my rambling - I need to post more often so I don't write a novel when I do!

Grief

Grief is such a strange thing. I've been feeling weird lately because, even though I still think of Tyler every day, I haven't really felt sad about him or missed him. I thought maybe I was a little too emotionally healthy. Or was it just self-preservation trying to make it through this pregnancy with my sanity in tact? Then the sermon in church yesterday was about grief. The preacher said something to the effect that we will always grieve the loss of those close to us, that doesn't mean we cry every day but it's when those little things pop up that make us think of them - like a smell, a song, or a certain day. It felt reassuring to know that I was still grieving for Tyler even though it's just in different ways now.
As I've gotten farther from his loss, I've found that I am starting to minimize it with thoughts like "I really wasn't that far along" or feeling like I shouldn't include him in things like Christmas ornaments and stuff like that. Then I talked to my MIL yesterday. She's starting a daycare next to her house and for some reason, she had to make that lot a subdivision and give it a name. She named it Tyler's Place. I can't tell you how much that means to have someone else value his name and his memory. Things like that make me feel like I'm not totally crazy for acting like he was a "normal" part of our family.
I found the baby's heartbeat with my doppler the other day! I have also felt a few movements! That took such a load off my mind, but now I'm scared to try to find it again. Maybe I can just hold out until my appt Friday. I am finding myself wanting to make plans and think about how we are going to shuffle things around, but then I stop myself. I need to just let go and do it, but then it will be so hard to undo if things don't go as planned. Babysteps I guess, I probably need to concentrate on getting through the next few weeks before I give myself anything else to stress about!

Vent

Ok, after my "I'm a better person now" post, I have to vent. It really pisses me off when I'm sitting in the Dr's office trying to act normal and read all the stupid baby magazines and I read (in every single one of them) that after you've heard the baby's heartbeat, you are in the clear and have virtually no risk of miscarriage and then after 12 weeks you're pretty much home free. That is like a stab in my gut. I know that statistically speaking that is true, but someone has to be in those 3%. Someone has to be the 1 in a million. Don't they know that babies can die at any time in the pregnancy? Just b/c you've made it to 12 weeks, 24 weeks, or God forbid 40 weeks, you aren't in the clear. My logical mind knows they are just trying not to alarm all the overly emotional pregnany women, but what about us overly emotional pregnant women who lost our babies after we were "in the clear?". It just really pisses me off.

Suffering

I have been reading in Job for the last couple of weeks. I needed to be in that book, especially in light of struggles and heartbreaks some very dear friends are experiencing. It seems like the best most Godly people are suffering so much more. Why do good people have to suffer? The short answer is - I don't know. What I do know is that God is in control and that He is able to bring good from the worst of circumstances. I am 9 mos out from my loss so I think I am able to get a bigger perspective on things that I could have even 2 mos ago. It seems the farther away I get from that awful day, the deeper I am able to dig spiritually. At first, I didn't want to look for answers, I wanted comfort and I just wanted God to flat out tell me what I wanted to know. As time went on, individual scriptures caught my attention, and now I am able to find more comfort in the fact that I will be in heaven someday with Tyler and how great that will be! It's taken millions of babysteps to get here.
Job was a righteous man and very wealthy and successful. Satan suggests to God that the only reason Job is faithful to Him is because of his prosperity. God permits Satan to test it out by taking away his prosperity. When Job remains faithful, God permits Satan to bring personal suffering to Job. Job, like all of us, wanted to know why this was happening to him. He turned to his friends who all had different, and wrong, opinions.
Angie at Bring the Rain mentioned the book "What the Bible is all about Bible handbook" (I'm so excited I finally learned how to hyperlink! Can you tell?)- it's a great book that explains each book of the Bible to people like me who really don't understand what it's trying to say. Here are some things it said about Job
"1. Job tore his robe (1:20). It is worthwhile for us to learn that we are meant to feel grief. Sorrow has its use in our lives. We are told "do not make light of the Lord's discipline" but be "trained by it." (Hebrews12:5,11) . . . 2. Job recognized that loss and sorrow are the laws of life. We have to learn that all possessions are transient. We are losing something every moment. We cannot stop and weep about everything that is taken from us. We have to learn a hard lesson - that we can live on in spite of all our losses. Begin to learn while you are young that nothing is necessary but Christ."
The real conflict here was between God and Satan. "When the trials came, Job did not understand the meaning of all of his suffering. He knew it was not because he had sinned, as his friends said. He wondered what God was doing. We will not always understand what God is working out in the battleground of our hearts. But know this: there is a reason and value to everything God allows and that 'in all things God works for the good of those that love him and have been called according to his purpose' (Romans 8:28). Job proved that Satan's statement concerning God's children was a lie, that is, that they only serve Him for what they can get out of it. Don't always try to find the reason for your trials and experiences. Sometimes we will have to wait for the answer . . . We will never find the answer to all of God's dealings. We may be honest and sincere as far as it goes, as were Job's friends, but God's ways are past finding out. God never allowed the devil to prove that God blundered when He made humans by suggesting that they only serve God for what they can get out of Him."
In the end, Job falls on his face before God and repents in "dust and ashes" for questioning Him. God restores his family and wealth 2 fold. "Job found God in his trouble. Many know God as a creator and believe in His greatness, but they do not really know God. The more we understand His ways the more we will love Him and put our trust in Him."
"God has a wise purpose in all of our suffering. God wants us to show His manifold wisdom (Eph 3:10). He wants the trial of our faith to work patience. He wants to bring out the gold as by fire. He wants to reveal real character."
Do I think God is sitting up in heaven and just decides "Hmm, I think I'll take her baby today and see what happens" - no! I think the earth, nature and everything in it has been set in motion and was made imperfect by sin. Bad things happen, but I think when we come to Him and put our trust and faith in Him, that's when He is able to bring the good things out of the worst situation.
I know that I am a very different person now than I was before Tyler's death. I know that I have such a greater understanding of God and eternity now. I have peace. I'm not as afraid of things as I was before. Good things have come out of his loss. Do they make up for the pain of losing him? No way but I have learned to appreciate the rain and be doubly thankful for the sun.

Still going

I just realized I hadn't updated here in awhile. I have had so much going on in my head that I really can't get it all out. I had a few weeks where I was really anxious, but it is starting to ease up some. I'm expecting it to pick back up as we get into the time when Tyler died. This is the picture of my 7 week u/s. I had one today to do the NT measurements, but the Dr didn't give me any pictures. The high risk Dr is completely unconcerned with me and thinks that Danner's cord problems and Tyler's death are just 2 unrelated random occurrences. Which is good I guess, but doesn't make me feel much better. Baby measured right on today and nuchal fold was "average" and that's about all the info I got. I saw the heartbeating, but didn't get to hear it today. I really didn't care for this Dr, but he's the one that Dr. C said would be the best so I'll just take his word for it. He did say that my placenta is a little anterior so it will probably be awhile before I can feel good movement and it will be harder to find the hb with a doppler. Isn't that great - that was what I was counting on to ease my mind. I guess it's another way God is telling me to trust Him and that He's got everything under control.

A friend lost her twins last night and it's heartbreaking to see someone have to go down this road yet again, especially in the same year. Please keep Jenell and her husband Rob in your prayers.

Miracle of the Moment

I did it, I actually bought something for the baby and it felt good. I never bought anything for Tyler and I've always felt so guilty for that. I didn't even have to force myself, it's something I felt like I had to do.
My #s all looked good and I go in for an u/s next Wednesday - I just pray there is a live baby. I've had so many different emotions the last week - I still feel so sad for my friends that haven't been able to get pg again, especially after trying so hard, I'm scared that we'll lose this one too, I'm happy, I'm optimistic, but I'm scared to be too happy b/c I don't want to be let down again, I'm guarded and worried and did I say scared? I want to tell everyone, but then I don't want to have to go back and un-tell them. I'll get there eventually. I think this u/s will get me over the fear of an early loss.
I read a quote today that faith isn't knowing that God can, it's knowing that He will. That's the crossroads I'm at, I know He is able, I just don't know that He will. He didn't save Tyler. I do know that He will guide us through whatever comes though. I can feel Him with me all the time. It's funny, last week when I was stressing about #s and all that, I prayed for a sign and when I looked down at the radio it said "Don't Get Comfortable". That almost sent me over the edge. How mean was that?! I tried not to freak out about it and several days later that song came on again and I stopped to listen to the words and they say "Yesterday, this is not yesterday. You were standing on my shoulders now; you're standing on the edge. You've been looking for a sign all this time. I am gonna show you what I mean, I am gonna love like you've never seen, You are gonna live like you used to dream This is your new song" It made me laugh and reminded me that I have to stop and listen to Him, he doesn't usually give stuff as obvious as I thought that was. He has given me a new song and will show me a love and a life that I couldn't even dream of.
Sorry I keep talking about music and different songs all the time, but that is what gets to my soul. The song I am focusing on is "Miracle of the Moment" by Stephen Curtis Chapman (I added it to the playlist)

It’s time for letting go
All of our if only’s
‘Cause we don’t have a time machine
And even if we did
Would we really want to use it?
Would we really want to go change everything?
‘Cause we are who and where and what we are for now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about
Chorus: So breathe it in and breathe it out
Listen to your heartbeat
There’s a wonder in the here and now
It’s right there in front of you
And I don’t want you to miss
The miracle of the moment
There’s only one who knows
What’s really out there waiting
In all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is He’s out there waiting
To Him the future’s history
And He has given us a treasure called right now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about
And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
And let them soften your heart
And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
And let it go, let it go
You gotta let it go
Listen to your heartbeat

The words pretty much say it all, all I can do right now is enjoy the miracle of this very moment. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but God has given me the blessing of now and I just need to breathe and enjoy every moment. I said before I got pg that this is what I was going to do, but it is so much harder to keep out those thoughts than I thought it would be. Everyone just please keep reminding me to enjoy the moment.
The Hope and Hearts walk is coming up in a couple of weeks and I'm glad that the timing has worked out like this. Since I found out I was pg, I have distanced myself from Tyler's memory - that's really not the right words but I can't really describe it. I almost said I hadn't thought about him, but then I realized that I still do every day. I guess now I just have a hope in my heart that I didn't have before. I'm glad that my parents are coming and we are going to have that day just to honor his memory.

Good News!

After 9 tests, I have discovered that I AM PREGNANT!!! (Yes, I said 9!) I know, I was shocked too! I just can't believe it. I am so thankful to God, I feel like he really answered my prayers, but then I wonder why He hasn't answered the prayers of so many of my friends who have been trying so hard to get pregnant again. I feel guilty b/c we weren't really trying. I know I shouldn't, but I feel really bad b/c I know that everyone that gets pg so easily is another punch in the gut.
I always told myself that if I ever got pg again that I would enjoy every single minute of it. When I was pg with Tyler, I was worried about our house being too small, how the boys would handle it, how I would handle it and most of you know I wasn't very excited - I just had a really bad feeling. I am not doing that again, I want to love and enjoy this baby as long as I have it and I pray that it will be born alive and healthy.
I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not scared b/c I am terrified. I don't know why God let Tyler die so I don't know that He won't let this baby die too. I am just praying that it's His will for this baby to be ok and keep telling Satan to get away from me. I haven't called the Dr yet, I needed a few days to let it all sink in before I start worrying about numbers and all that fun stuff. I plan on calling him this week though. My Zoloft runs out tomorrow and I don't thikn this is the time to go cold turkey! I'm down to 12.5mg so I may just stay on it since stopping it does such weird things to me. Please keep us all in your prayers - I know that Mark is having a hard time being excited this time, but I completely understand.
To all my BBC friends, sorry if I drop more out of sight for awhile, I just have to stay in my happy place. And for those of you who know me in real life, this isn't something I'm ready to share with everyone yet, so it's just our little secret . . .

Ok all you computer whizzes!

How can I change just the background? I found one and saved it in photobucket, but when I add it into the html code it just turns the background white. What do I do? Ugh, I don't know what gets into me that makes me think I can do stuff like this!!

He did it again!

While I was writing my first post today, I was thinking of how I need to keep my eyes on God and the analogy of walking on a tight rope. As long as you look at where you are going, you do fine. It's when you look down and lose focus that you begin to fall. I didn't post that b/c a) I seem to be writing a lot of analogies that make no sense and b) I am way afraid of heights so how would I know how to walk a tightrope? Anyway, I just checked my email, and this was the daily e-votional (http://daily-e-votional.com/). I just love these little things He sends to let me know I'm on the right track. The title is "What are you looking at?" and it's based on this verse
II Corinthians 4:16-17
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”
“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Last night, I had just re-read Romans 8:18 that says our suffering here can't compare to the glory to be revealed. Isn't it awesome when all of the pieces come together?

How God Works pt 2

Here's some more good stuff on how God is working in my life - (I'll try not to get sidetracked like I did on the last post.) My mom asked for a Selah cd one Christmas. That was before my satellite radio and before I really listened to Christian music regularly so I didn't pay much attention to it. Fast forward to May when the former singer of the group lost her newborn son to SIDS. I have thought about her a lot and wondered how she was handling grieving, especially when she is so much more of a public figure. I imagined how tough it would be to face a tragedy like that and have everyone watching to see if you are grieving like a proper Christian woman should. For some reason, I only thought about it in the car and I kept wanting to google her and see if she had written anything and to see exactly what happened. A couple of weeks ago, I gave up remembering and googled from my phone. I saw there that her SIL had lost a baby a very short time before that. Wow! How horrible would that be? I know it's my worst fear to have someone close to me lose a child. I came across her blog (the SIL), but it was too hard to read it on my phone. Of course I forgot, but I finally read her blog the other night and it was AMAZING!! Right after I finished reading, I came here and a reader had posted the link to her site also. God was making sure He had all his bases covered, b/c he knows how I am! In the midst of all of this, I have been really trying to seek out a Christian perspective on all this. I let the devil sneak in and tell me that I wasn't trusting in God enough, I wasn't good enough b/c I still have all these questions blah blah blah. I was really comforted by reading blogs of other Christian women who were having the same struggles too and that it was ok. Angie's blog is so heartfelt and open and her strength is amazing - I know she doesn't see it in herself, but it is. Please go read it. Once you start, you won't be able to stop so find some time, put your feet up and get ready to cry uncontrollably and laugh at the same time. She has a true gift for writing. http://www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
Reading blogs like hers make me feel awful about my writing, but you know, I am just a mom grieving the loss of her son. I'm not a writer and I feel I am just writing what God puts on my heart. I have written before that before this, I never fully understood what it meant to have a relationship with God, to praise him always, to let him hold me and all that other stuff they talk about in church. How do I praise? What does that mean? How do I let Him hold me, when He's not physical? How do I get close to God? Ironically, this was all stuff I really started searching for while I was pregnant with Tyler (ya think it was God? I do) He put people of great faith in my path so I could see that He was capable of amazing things and things no one could imagine were possible. Since Tyler died, I have developed a relationship with God that I never could have imagined before. In my mind, I was kind of patting myself on the back for what a great Christian I have become through this. After reading Angie's blog, I realized that I have more work to do. I have to teach my boys how to have this relatioship and love with God. They go to church, memorize their verses and all of that, but I am not showing them God by the way we live daily. She really inspired me through some very precious stories of her girls to spend more time "teaching" them and showing them what it's like to love God and those around you. One thing she talked about was a question that I still have - why did God stand by and let this happen? We all know He could have healed Tyler so why didn't He? Her earth shattering answer - I don't know. I don't think we will ever know, but I trust in Him and that's all I can do. Thanks Angie and thanks to you other DBM's (DeadBabyMamas) who share your faith and your struggles so openly with me.
I know this is long - I feel like I don't have anything to say until I make myself sit down and write, then a book comes out. I'm not done, but I'm stopping and I'll finish later.

Nicol Sponberg and her family also have a blog about their son Luke (I think it's mainly her husband that writes) http://thelukesponbergfoundation.blogspot.com/
I want to share the happy parts of my life too - I do have joy, this is just the place where I can come and get all this out. I'm not the type that talks about this stuff out loud so it is great for me to be able to get it all out somewhere. My boys are a mess and here is their blog - http://shipmankids.blogspot.com/

Music

I am amazed at the way God continues to work in my life. I let Him get close and get all those warm fuzzies, then I let life get in the way and drift back. I am so thankful that lately He hasn't let me get too far away before He reminds me that He's here. I really need to work on keeping my eyes on Him and not everything happening around me.

Anyway, right after Tyler died, Mark bought me a new car that has satellite radio. I cannot tell you how many times God has used the Spirit channel to talk to me (through music :) ). It seems like every time I get in the car, there is a song playing that I really needed to hear. Lately it has been Chris Sligh's "Empty Me" and Meredith Andrew's "You're Not Alone". I've heard both of those songs tons of times and, to be honest, hadn't paid much attention to either one before. The other morning, I was brushing my teeth and the lyrics to "Empty Me" came into my mind. "Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you". When I finally heard the whole song (it came on next time I got in the car hmmm) the rest says
"everything is a lesser thing Compared to you, compared to you. Cause everything is a lesser thing Compared to you. So, I surrender all! "

I really need to surrender me and let God fill me with Him so I can get through my struggles with losing Tyler, with my marriage, and with my shortcomings as a mom. Through all of these struggles, I have also been really lonely and another song that seems like it comes on every 5 minutes is "You're Not Alone". I know that this is a tool that Satan uses against me, and I have to admit I fall for it often. Here are the lyrics"

I search for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone but you found me where I was hiding and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name singing
You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life
You cry yourself to sleep cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend and everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own but there is a sweeter song that calls you home **sayin' You're not alone
For I am here let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one that's love you all your life
All your life
Faithful and true... Forever For my love will carry you.... You're not alone for I... I am here let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life


It is God singing that to me and it brings tears to my eyes and gives me chills just listening to it. Thank you God for never leaving my side and loving me even when I can't see you (or won't).
I also came across a song by Natalie Grant called "Held" (another story of God leading me). This is the chorus, but the whole song is amazing:

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive. This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.


One more - this one I couldn't find for my playlist, but it's by Selah and the name of it is "Hold On", it is probably one of my very favorite songs.
If you feel today that you can't make it
Keep holdin' on, cause you can take it
If you hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on
If you feel it's raining all in your life
And day by day, there's nothin'
Nothin' going right
Just hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on
Hold on
You gotta hold to His hand
God's unchanging hand
You gotta hold to His hand
God's unchanging hand
You gotta build your hopes on things eternal
My God will never let you down
Weeping may endure for the night
But if you trust in Jesus
Everything's gonna be all right
Just hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on
Hold on


Can you tell I really like music? Do me a favor and stop for a minute and listen to the songs on my playlist - they are there b/c they mean something to me and I hope He will speak to you through them too.

Tyler was 1 in a million

Actually he was 1 in millions - literally. We went in and met with the high risk Dr today. He told us that if Dr Carrington wasn't such a reputable Dr, he wouldn't have believed his report. Tyler's cord was not only twisted, it was twisted so tightly that it was coming apart. He said there was no doubt that this is what caused his death and there was nothing that could have prevented it. He said he had only heard about this 1 time and it was in the back of some obscure medical journal he was reading. He said this wasn't related at all to Danner's 2 vessel cord or his cord being knotted and around his neck, and those things weren't related either. Just a bunch of random stuff that happened to randomly happen to us. He was more concerned about calcifications on Danner's head than he was anything else. (I didn't remember that). He didn't see any problems or any reason why we shouldn't try again. Preterm labor was all that he was concerned about and he said that really wasn't concerning to him because it was coming on so late in the pregnancy and we were able to go to 36 weeks. That doesn't worry me at all b/c I know I'm in good hands, I just worry about all the other stuff. He basically said to just worry about what can be fixed and let the rest of the stuff work its way out. I feel relieved knowing exactly what happened and getting a little more detail. Now what?
It's up to Mark - he doesn't want to try again and I completely understand why. I mean what sane person would want to run the risk of going through this hell again? Why would he want to put up with a freaking out hormonal woman for months to end up with a screaming pooping baby? What on earth makes me WANT to do that again? I have no idea, I keep asking myself those same questions and the only answer I can come up with is that I just do. I don't want to replace Tyler, I think I just want to go back and enjoy every minute of being pregnant and love that little baby with all my heart for no matter how long it lasts. I don't want to go out a loser. It's like coming in last place in the Olympics - no one wants to end their career like that. It makes you more determined to come back tougher and win a medal. I don't want to have any regrets.

Mess

I'm a mess right now and so is everything around me it seems. I know we have all been here before - the place where it seems that nothing is going right and life is just a mess. My kids are completely out of control, Mark is having horrible times with his work, our family isn't functioning right, and I don't know which way is up right now. I have been hit with the sadness again lately, and I know a lot of it is because of all of the stress and unrest everywhere else. I miss Tyler and I wish he was here with us. I think of all of the things we have done lately and how it "would" (I'm trying to catch those "shoulds"!) have been if he was with us. I look at the baby clothes we walk by while school shopping and am sad that we don't have our baby to shop for.
Everything with Tyler seemed so perfect - the timing, the place we were in our lives and our relationship, even the way my health insurance coverage worked out was perfect. It seemed like this was a new start for us. Mark was so excited about having a baby and I thought this was really going to bring our family closer together. All those feelings and excitement we will never get back, not even with another baby. I guess the realities of life as a DeadBabyMama are just starting to sink in.
I know this is just another dip in the rollercoaster and I'll be ok in a few days. I know that getting the kids back to school and getting us all in a routine again is what we all need right now - I think we are "summered out".

6 Months

Today is 6 months since Tyler was born. Wow, feels like a lifetime and feels like it was yesterday at the same time. I'm really in a strange place of limbo right now. Sometimes I really want to have another baby and sometimes I am too scared something will go wrong. My pregnancies with my first 2 boys weren't great - I had preterm labor with both and several other problems with Danner. Mark and I have been arguing over which one had the cord wrapped around them and it was Danner (he was right ;). I just found out it was wrapped around him twice and had a true knot in it! It is truly a miracle that he is alive. I don't know how I didn't know that before. If things had been perfect with both, I probably wouldn't hesitate, but they weren't. Then I start thinking about how fast they are growing up, my baby just turned 5! I just can't believe I'm a mom to big boys now. It's a little sad. So I don't know what's next - a baby would be nice, especially if it was alive.

6 months down . . .

6 months

Just giving an updated website for the Hopes and Hearts Run, it is .org now http://www.hopeandheartsrun.org/texas

We are coming up on 6 months since we lost Tyler. It is funny how life has gotten back to normal, but thoughts of him are always running through my head. It is so difficult to lose a baby that you have never met, there are no happy memories and funny stories about them to get you through the rough times - only those bad memories of those fateful words and of bringing a dead baby into the world. All of the what if's, coulda shoulda woulda's are all that's left. Strange how life can feel like someone is missing that was never actually "here" to begin with.

Our dog Dixie had puppies yesterday and wouldn't you know, out of 10 she killed the one that Mark really wanted to keep.

More rambling

Man I really feel like an ass. Everytime someone asked me if I wanted a boy or a girl, my answer was that I didn't really want either one. I guess that's what I got. Tyler was a surprise and I was so stressed about how I would handle 3, where we would put a baby and all the stuff that comes along, and how our lives would be tied down for the next few years. All that on top of the fact that I had a horrible feeling about this pg.
Right now, I am trying to figure out why it is exactly that I want to have another baby, and why finding out that he may have been a girl made those feelings more intense. I had kind of made my peace with not having anymore, and now having another one is all I think about. I know it's not to replace Tyler, but am I trying to feel the void he left? Is it just that it was the track I was on and the direction I was heading before it got derailed. I want to make sure that if we do decide to try again that it's for the right reason - or is there a wrong reason? I don't know.

Someone please reach out and slap me!

Ok, I did something really stupid. I made an appt with the high-risk Dr (that's not the stupid part) and my ob told me to make sure I had all the details together of my other pregnancies so we could lay it all out and know exactly what our risks and problems would be if we decided to get pg again. I called the hospital where I delivered the boys to get the records (I think one of them had the cord wrapped around his neck, but Mark and I don't agree on which one it was). Anyway, they said I could come look at the records for free and not have to pay all the fees for copies. So I went by there yesterday and they had forgotten to tell me that they would have to order the files from storage since it had been so long. Since I was there, I decided I would look at Tyer's file just to see what was in there (that's the stupid thing). I found out that he died at 15 weeks 3 days, I hadn't known that they knew exactly. Knowing the exact day he died is a little unsettling to me. I wonder what I was doing that day and if I did anything wrong. Luckily, I threw my calendar away a few months ago just so I wouldn't keep going back and try to figure out what went wrong. Also, he might have been a girl, not a boy! The pathology report said "external genitalia is indeterminate and most compatible with that of a female"! That really threw me for a loop! He's been a boy all this time, we can't just change that. Why would the Dr tell us it was a boy? I told Mark when I got home - I didn't want to tell him I went through the files, but I had to tell someone and that's not really something you call and tell your friends about! I felt better after talking to him about it though, he believes Dr Carrington and didn't seem too bothered about it.
Oh well just another unknown. Why does reading that make me want to have another baby again? I feel like I don't have anything to hold on with him (or her) anymore. Does that make any sense? uuuggghhhhh!

I do want to say thank you to everyone who reads my ramblings. I really appreciate the thoughts and comments you have shared here and other places. I love to hear that you are reading and it makes sense to you!

Hope and Hearts Run

We are participating in the Hope and Hearts run to benefit the Missing GRACE foundation. Missing GRACE Foundation's mission is to provide resources and support for families that have experienced: pregnancy loss, infant loss, infertility or adoption and to advocate for comprehensive, patient-focused prenatal care for all women. Five core areas encompass the heart of the mission: Grieve, Restore, Arise, Commemorate and Educate. I can't think of anything better to do in Tyler's memory and to make sure that this turns into a positive experience for our family. Please click on the FirstGiving Widget to donate. You can also visit my page at http://www.firstgiving.com/karashipman

Here's the site for the run (I'll be walking by the way) for more info http://hopeandheartsrun.com/texas/

Tyler, I see you everywhere

I never realized that Tyler was such a common name! I have seen you:

* in a restaurant in Florida - your name was written on a light bulb!
* at Danner's flop class
* on the side of a pickup in Oklahoma
* on the lid of a candle
* in the birthday party catalog
* on bull riding

I really need to start taking pictures of these, but I keep thinking that this is so random that it will quit happening. It made me mad at first, but now it makes me smile.

Thanks Kristi for my new counter box - much much better!

Broken Hearts

I came across a CD set of lessons from Duane Sheriff (http://www.dsheriff.org/ cds are available for free) on "Healing Broken Hearts". These are notes off of 6 cds that I listened to and jotted down in the car so I hope they make sense. I am sharing this for 2 reasons, 1 is for me so I can remember and 2 I know that I am not the only one in DeadBabyMama Land to question God and how in the world He fits into this mess. I still have a lot of questions, but slowly He is leading me to the places where I can find some answers.

Definition of broken: crush completely, shatter to pieces, bruised deeply
Definition of heart: thoughts, minds, feelings

Prov 4:23 "Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life."
Prov 17:22 "A merry heart does good like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones"
Prov 14:30 " A sound heart is life to the body . . ."
Prov 15:13 "A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance, but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"

You can't carry brokenness of heart and have a functional life. Unresolved brokenness can make you dysfunctional and affect you physically (aches and pains, anxiety, depression).
My heart was broken after Tyler died, really it was shattered. I couldn't move, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I was non-functioning for quite awhile. I was lost. It wasn't until I started looking for the good and searching for God that things began to get better.


How to get healed

Ps 34:18 " The Lord is near those who have a broken heart, and saves such as are crushed in spirit"
Ps 147:3 "He heals the broken hearted and binds up their sorrows"
Luke 4:18 "He has sent me to heal the broken hearted . . . "
Isaiah 61:1-8 "The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted . . . To comfort all who mourn, To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness . . ."

1. I must realize there is healthy (Godly) and unhealthy (worldly) sorrow
1 Thess 4:13-18 "But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus. . . Comfort one another with these words."
Worldy sorrow is destructive. Grief becomes a security blanket and stifles you
Godly sorrow works repentance or change, reminds us of the beauty of life, causes us to shuffle our priorities, and makes us sensitive to others.
2 cor 7:9 " . . . but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a Godly manner . . . For Godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted, but the sorrow of the world produces death."
I am not to sorrow as those who "have no hope", I will see Tyler again. There is a time to mourn, but it shouldn’t consume me
Eccl 3:1,2,4 "To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born and a time to die; a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance"
Eccl 7:1-8 the day of death is better than the day of your birth . . . Sorrow is better than laughter for by a sad countenance the heart is made better.
I know Tyler is so much better off in heaven than he would have been on earth. He is up there where it is perfect, peaceful and he will never have to know pain and sorrow.


2. I have to recognize that I am not alone.
Satan uses that trick to lock us into bondage "nobody understands". Others have been through anything I am going through. God brought them through and he will bring me through too. This is something that struck me b/c right after my loss, I had all these weird thoughts and I just knew something was wrong with me b/c I was thinking that way. I was so comforted to know that so many other women were thinking the exact same things. The devil wanted me to feel alone, isolated and broken.
1 Peter 5: 8-9 "Be sober, be vigilant, because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world."


3. I need to adopt the eternal view vs the worldly view
We can focus on our hurt and lose perspective. We let that hurt consume our life and then we interpret the rest of our life in light of our hurt. It's like looking in the different ends of binoculars - the object your looking at doesn't change, but the perspective does.I need to look at things that are eternal. The hurt and pain of this life will pass, but we will live in the glory of God for eternity.
Romans 8:18 "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that shall be revealed in us" Praise God! How great is His glory that it's greatness doesn't even compare to my suffering?!
2 Cor 4:17-18 "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things that are seen are temporary, but the things that are not seen are eternal."

4. God is not guilty - He did not do this to me
I really struggled with this one. I thought God caused this for some reason and that it was His will that I had dead baby. I thought He was trying to teach me a lesson, that He knew the future better than me and did it for a greater good, etc. God has nothing to do with the bad things that happen to us. He especially doesn't NEED any babies in heaven. That stuff is comforting for a little while until the resentment builds up. He IS in control, but isn’t controlling everything that happens to us. He allows things to happen that he doesn’t will. If you think He does it, how can you trust Him to heal you? He doesn’t do bad things as a “blessing in disguise” Curses on Israel weren’t blessings in disguise, they were punishment. Under Mosaic Law, God’s wrath was revealed, but Christ has redeemed us from the curse of the law. Jesus bore our sins and God’s wrath and punishment for our sins so God can be merciful to us. We are not under law any longer, we are under God’s grace. Faith works by love and when you are able to see God’s love for you and that he had nothing to do with the bad that you can embrace Him and He will embrace you and heal you.
John 10:10 “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come so that they might have life, and that they have it more abundantly.”
For example: a man has an affair on his wife. He repents and comes to God and as a result his marriage is better than it has ever been. God didn’t will him to sin, but when he repented and turned to God, He brought good out of it. Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.” God didn’t kill Tyler to bring me closer to Him, I turned my heart to God and He worked good out of that horrible situation.

1 Thess 5: 16-18 “ Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. There was a whole another post on this one

5. By Faith
2 Cor 1:3 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
Ps 30:2-5 “O Lord my God, I cried out to you, and you healed me. O Lord, You brought my soul up from the grave; You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit. Sing praise to the Lord . . . Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” I didn't know "the pit" was biblical!


It is ok to have a broken heart, especially over something as unnatural as losing a child, but God doesn't want us to stay broken. We can't be full of His spirit when we are broken. He wants to heal us and work good things through the bad, and bring up beauty from the ashes of our lives. In turn, He wants us to pass on the comfort He has given us to others who need it.

Praise God! I will always love and miss Tyler, but thank you for healing my brokenness and
thank you for being a God of comfort, love and mercy.

limbo

I don't really know what to say, so I am just typing and hoping something will pop up. I lay in bed at night and process everything and think of stuff I want to write, but then when I get up in the morning I can't remember.
Right now I am still in the limbo of "to try again" or "to not try again". I woke up a couple of weeks ago and felt like I was really ok with not having another baby. My boys are more than a handful, they are just starting to be independent, we can go out and do fun things together, babies are exhausting, I don't know if I can handle 3 and I know that Mark really doesn't want another one. Then, the boys start asking when we are going to have a baby and talk about how much they want one. I was filling out a medical history for Danner yesterday and it was asking about birthweight, Apgar scores and developmental milestones so I got out the baby books. The boys and I sat down and looked at all their newborn baby pictures - probably not the smartest choice! Every month a few days before AF, the anxiety sets it and I start to hope that maybe I am pg even though we are not trying and I know that I'm not. It's driving me crazy!
Here are the God questions I am working on right now - I know that God didn't cause this (I need to post on that later, but it's a long one) but why didn't he prevent it? I prayed for a full term healthy baby and I truly had faith that it would happen. It didn't. We can pray for healing, but why is it that sometimes He doesn't heal?
The Bible says he will give you the desires of your heart and what you ask for in prayer which leads to a whole another set of questions. I have met so many women that have prayed and prayed and want nothing more than to have another baby, but haven't.
I know God will help me find answers to these questions just like he has to all the other ones I've had, but I just thought I'd share them with you and see if anyone has any input.

Quilt

Mark's sweet aunt Lavoy made Tyler a baby quilt. She's been making one for all of the new babies in the family for several years. I was hoping she would make him one, but you never know how some people will react to a loss. I got the courage up to ask her just to make him 1 little square or something so I would have something that was made just for him. The next day, she showed me the quilt she had made him. She wasn't sure if I would want it or not. Words cannot describe how much that meant to me. She even put his name and date in it.

I showed it to Danner and he said we needed to have another baby named Tyler to wrap up in it. He also asked if they could use it since he's dead. Hmmm how do you respond to that?

Today is the day

Today is the random day the Dr picked that Tyler was due. A due date really has no significance, especially not for me since my kids were all born early. It's just a day that I think Dr's give just so you can tell all your friends when you are due. This due date is different. It marks an end and a new beginning. It's an end to the grieving of Tyler and a beginning to the life without him. There is so much that I have learned in the last 5 months and I am not the same person I was then, but thankfully I can say that's for the better and not worse. I have a relationship and understanding of God that I knew about before, but couldn't quite grasp how it all worked. He has saved me from my grief and sorrow and showed me that through faith, he truly can work all things together for good for those that love Him. He has shown me how to rejoice even in suffering. He has healed my broken heart. Thank you God. Thank you to every single deadbabymama on the 2nd/3rd tri loss board - I can't tell you how much it helped to know that I wasn't alone and to be able to say the things I was too scared to admit to anyone else. Thank you to Stephanie, Kristi and all the Hope Floatin mamas for catching me before I fell into the pit of bitterness and anger and helping me stay focused on the good things. Thank you to every person in my family that has asked about Tyler, me and my due date. Thank you to Aunt Lavoy for his beautiful quilt. Thank you Mark, Ranger and Danner for putting up with me and the not-so-nice version of me for the last few months. Thank you to Pastor Cecil and Duane Sheriff - your words of God have blessed me and lifted me up. I have been richly blessed.



Philippians 4:4-7
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I am ok but . . .

I have found myself saying this many times so I thought I'd just make a list. I am ok with Tyler's loss but:

I still think about him every day
I have a hard time going to sleep at night
I still feel like a part of me is missing
I am really irritable
I really really want to have another baby
Baby boys seem so much cuter to me now
Little girl clothes aren't as much fun to shop for as they were before
Seeing pregnant women still stings a little
I don't want to be around people or do anything - I make myself do it, but I don't want to
I want to sit at home in the quiet all day
I want to cry but I can't
I don't really know what I want to cry about

I act ok, I pretty much feel ok, but it's just the little things that I don't think are ever going to go away. I hope when I reach July 12 that it will be the finish line and will reach a new sense of healing. I hope I can keep it together until then. July has been a rough month so far, and it's only the 3rd.

I just "am"

I was laying in bed last night trying to think of words to describe how I feel right now. My roller coaster is flat, I'm not up, I'm not down, I just am. Then I got to thinking about boxing. I feel like a boxer that has had the crap punched out of him and was knocked to the ground. He comes up fighting, but can't quite orient himself and get his feet back under him b/c the blow was so hard and caught him by surprise. It takes him a few minutes of stumbling around trying to get his bearings, but he continues to fight and becomes more steady as time goes on. I have come up fighting, I still just can't quite get my bearings and get my feet solid underneath me but I will.





This morning I was thinking about how, as much as this sucked, I don't think I would wish it never happened. I have learned so much about God's love and his will that I don't think I could have seen any other way. It's like the dumb mistakes you make when you're young, you hate them and would give anything to go back and undo them until you are older and realize that they have made you who you are. Am I happy that my baby died? No, but I am happy that it was able to make a positive impact on my life. Coincidentally, this was the verse from the e-votional this morning:



I Corinthians 12:7-10
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassing great revelations, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I've been TAGGED

I was tagged by Kristi like a month ago (and I bet you thought I wasn't going to do it!)

So here are the rules as to what I had to do and if you are one of my lucky 7 below then you need to also do the following:

1. Link your tagger and list these rules on your blog.

2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.

3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.

4. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog .



7 'Fabulous' Facts:

1. I am and always will be a Texas girl

2. I LOVE Kenny Rogers! Yes the old singing one!

3. I am a huge Nascar fan - my #1 is Dale Jr, but I also like Juan Pablo b/c I think he's hot!

4. Our family loves spending time at the lake

5. My 2 boys are wild wild wild

6. Cheeseburgers are my weakness, especially with swiss cheese and mushrooms. Yum!

7. I am very very thankful and blessed to have met so many wonderful friends in the last few months!!

I don't really know who to tag, so if you read this, You're tagged!!

Thoughts

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"God doesn't give us what we can handle; God helps us handle what we are given."

"Love life as it is . . . not as you want it."

"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you decide to see beyond the imperfections."

I came across these in a catalog I got in the mail the other day. These really are what I need to help me get through this stage I'm in - I am not happy with myself right now, I am grumpy, irritable and just no fun. I hate the way I am acting toward Mark, my kids, and everyone else around me. I feel ok inside, but I just don't want to be out of the house or around any people. As long as I am in my safe little bubble I don't feel as evil. I have been praying that God will help me see the joy in my life and help me loosen up a little - when we got up this morning, I saw that Danner had given himself another haircut, but this time it's half of his head and not just one spot! I really had to stop myself from being mad and just laugh at the moment. Baby step #1, many many more to go!!

God knows what he's doing!

I know that seems really obvious, but I have started to figure that out. Mark and I really wanted Tyler to be a girl - we even told the Dr that if he couldn't tell the sex, we wanted it to be a girl. I wanted to at least have almost had a girl for some reason. Now I am so glad Tyler was a boy. All the babies born in our family since he died have been girls. Also, everyone around us keeps telling us that we need to have a girl. Now I can nod and smile instead of saying "yeah we already did". I was thinking yesterday that I am so glad that he was a boy and thought to myself how God really knew what he was doing!

Oh and my testing all came back normal, so I guess it was just a fluke accident! I think I am relieved by that.

Zoloft and other nonrelated topics

I decided that it was time for me to wean off the Zoloft, things had been going good and I hate relying on medicine. It didn't work out so well. I turned in to a raging lunatic, every little sound, touch, or nothing made steam come out of my ears! I couldn't figure out what on earth was wrong with me - I wanted to hurt someone (not literally so don't freak out). I couldn't stand the sight of my kids or the sounds of their voices and then I was mad b/c I felt that way about them. I finally realized that it was the medication - or lack of - that was causing all that. So now after 4 days of being back on it full time, things are starting to calm down. I was really worried I was having a nervous breakdown or something, I cannot describe how awful it was. I think I'm going to give it awhile and then try lowering the daily dosage.

New baby - my last cousin is having her baby today. I get so tense and anxious when I know they are in labor, I hope that everything turns out fine and she will never know what it's like to be in this "club". At the same time, I am thinking about how I will handle this baby. Tyler wasn't due until July, but since all of my boys were early, he would have been here sometime around now. Every time I see her, I wonder if I will think about how Tyler would look or what he would be doing or will I be so happy just to see her that I won't care. I have finally wrapped my brain around the "should be" and the "would be". I know I am right where I should be, but I can't help but think where I would be if all this hadn't happened. Then I remind myself, that things may not have been so great and we may have had a worse struggle than we are having now. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. I probably would have been on medication, bedrest, and miserable for the last few weeks, labor may not have gone so good, he may not have been healthy, or so many other things. I know that I have to be happy and thankful for where the Lord has brought me, but sometimes I can't help but think of that alternate universe where things were going to be so good. In one universe, we have a newborn healthy baby, and in this one, there is no baby, life has moved on and it's almost like it never happened. There are new plans and vacations that were never supposed to be possible. But, I have to say, even without Tyler, this side of the universe isn't all that bad. I am getting to do things with the boys that I wouldn't have gotten to do otherwise.
Now I have some confessions to make - I am making them here instead of on the confessions post but I don't know why.
1. I thought about grabbing another baby. Gasp! Mark and I were out to eat after our Dr appt confirming Tyler's death. When we walked out, there was a baby in a carrier on a bench while the others were looking at a fountain. I whispered to Mark, "grab it!". Was I really going to? NO!! Did I want to? Well, yes. I understand now how someone who isn't mentally stable and has experienced a loss could snap and do something like that though.
2. I yell at my kids. I know I am probably the mom that frustrates the women w/o living babies b/c my kids drive me crazy in public and sometimes I lose it. That doesn't mean that I don't realize what a blessing they are and how lucky I am to have them, it means I am a sometimes frustrated mom who is not perfect.
3. I feel better when I take some time each day to read other DeadBabyMama blogs and read the boards for a little while. I feel bad that I am not posting as much to the other moms, but I just don't have the time to get in that frame of mind and get it all out there.
4. I have come to accept Tyler's loss and it is a part of my life. It is so hard in a conversation not to bring it up, as in "before we lost Tyler", "when I was pg with Tyler", "after we lost Tyler". These are 3 distinct periods in my life that span the last 8 months of my life. I hate that when I say something like that, people's eyes get big and it's like I've said something I'm not supposed to. Example: we were at a wedding the other night and several of my girlfriends and I were sitting around the table teasing J about needing to find a sugar daddy. One commented that she thought I had already done that (dh bought me a new car a few weeks after Tyler died). I laughed and said "No, that was a pity present, Mark just felt sorry for me". My friend next to me (who was with me at my u/s by the way) said why would he do that? I kind of just looked at her - I hadn't wanted to explain it, the dinner table at a wedding reception really isn't the place but she didn't get it. So I said "because the baby died". Her eyes got big and she just sat back in her chair and didn't say anything else. I hate the awkwardness that it brings with it.
5. And, I realized I don't call Tyler by his name when I'm talking, just "the baby". I wonder why.

Woo, that ended up being long. I think I need to get back to writing more often.
Oh, and for those of you who are questioning God or are mad at Him, He is still there with you and holding you. He doesn't cause this to happen to you. We live in an imperfect world full of horrible things. This verse is courtesy of Pastor Cecil (www.daily-e-votional.com) yesterday:
I Peter 4:12-14
"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed."
I know that sounds ridiculous, but it is true. All of us will endure suffering and loss. The only choice we have is if we look up or down.

You know, things have been going pretty good lately. I have put some distance between myself and DeadBabyMama Land and have been feeling good. I have been really busy, but maybe a little too busy. I think I may have pushed too much aside and let it build up.
Tonight I went to play Bunco with Ranger's teachers and some of their friends and there was a girl there that was very pg and I realized it didn't really bother me. So, I'm trying to be nice and social and I ask her when she's due. Just so happens that she's due on Tyler's due date. Are you kidding me?! I had to stop myself from telling her "oh that's when I was due". I can't imagine what kind of look I had on my face or what my reaction was. I managed to hold it together until it was all over and I was back in my car. I thought I was ok for a minute and then the heaving sobs hit. Mark was so great when I got home, he just held me and let me slobber and cry all over him! I really don't understand it though - I have accepted Tyler's death and am ok with it. As I was sitting down to write this, I realized it's more about me. He hasn't lost or missed out on anything. He got the great end of the deal. I lost a part of me, not only physically but otherwise. I lost my innocence and excitement and joy of a pregnancy. I will never look at a pg woman again without thinking "Lord I hope they are ok". I don't think I will ever be able to relax and enjoy the pregnancies of anyone around me - just waiting and praying that they will never have to join the club. I feel so selfish that my sadness isn't for Tyler, it's just for me. I'm sad that I missed the "fun" part, having the big belly, feeling him move around, wondering what he would look like, the excitement and anticipation, the sweetness of my boys with a baby - all that stuff. If I ever get pg again, it won't be the same. This is something that I will never get back, I think now I'm grieving that old piece of me that's gone. I want to be pg again, but I realize that I want it to be the way it was. I don't know if I want to get pg and have this dark cloud hanging over me waiting for it to happen again. I don't even know how to explain all of this, I don't even know really what it is that bothered me so much. He's gone, he's not coming back, I'm not pregnant anymore - I get it, so why am I crying?
I know that God is with me and I believe that he can heal me - maybe this is a piece He can give me back. I don't really know. On my way home, the song came on "Holy is the Lord God Almighty, worthy in the lamb, you are holy" I can't think of the rest of the words right now, but I sang and cried. I praise you in this storm God, you are holy and almighty and I trust your will and I rest in your grace.

Aahhh Fresh Air

Mark and I went for a drive after our dinner out last night - he put the top down and we rode down the interstate with the radio loud and the cool wind blowing on us. We didn't really talk, I just sat and looked around at the beauty that God has created. I love the night sky. It was so refreshing and a great time to sit and just "be".
Today, it seems like I encountered 1 thing after another trying to bring me down. It started out with seeing a 3 month old baby this morning. It has been 3 months since Tyler was born - it's not like he would be 3 months old, but it just caught me. Then a dad of one of my former students asked if I was having another baby. I just said "no" and he said "oh I must be thinking of someone else" and I said "no, it was me". He was so embarrassed and kept apologizing that he had forgotten. As much as I wanted to be hurt, irritated or whatever, I really enjoyed him feeling like an ass! He is a pretty big jerk anyway. Then we went to get the boys hair cuts and there were at least 5 pregnant women that came in and out while we were there. Then, we took Kala and her friend Lacy to lunch and they wanted to eat at Bennigan's which is where Mark and I ate when we were on our way to the hospital to deliver Tyler. After all of this, I am completely ok. There have been no tears - I feel refreshed, calm and cleansed. We even went to Babies R Us to buy a baby gift for my cousin.
Thank you God for your beauty, healing and peace!

The Shack

I read this book by William Young this weekend while we were on vacation. It explained a lot of things to me about grief and loss and God. It's about a man whose daughter is murdered and he is lost in his sadness. God calls him back to the place where she was killed and the man spends a few days walking with God, Jesus, and the Spirit. I don't know if I believe that is true or not, but the things that are written that God said made a lot of sense to me. Here is a quote that caught my attention - this is God speaking to the man
"just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes.That will only lead you to false notions of me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."
I am going to go back and spend some time re-reading it so you may hear more about it soon.

I have settled into a different type of sad over Tyler - maybe it's the light touch of sad I will always carry with me. It's a peaceful kind of sadness. I have accepted that he's gone and it's ok, but I think there will always be a little empty spot in my heart for what could have been.
Pregnant ladies are starting to bother me though,I think mostly it is caused by my exhaustion from our trip. There was a woman at Disneyland that I saw 3 or 4 times one day, I don't know why I noticed her b/c I'm sure there were a bunch more there, but I imagined that she was as far along as I should be. I don't have anger or bitterness, just that touch of sadness that it should be me too. I am hoping that this will pass when his due date has come and gone.

Comfort

I wanted to share this amazing picture my mom painted of the boys! She even carved a little "T" in the tree for Tyler. It is such a special gift, and I wanted to share it with everyone!

I haven't posted in awhile, so I have a lot to add. At church last Sunday, the preacher preached on 1 Peter 5:6-10

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care on Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered awhile, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you."

This wasn't really written in the context of a loss, but it still struck me. God will lift me up in due time and will carry my burden if I give it to him. The devil is stalking, looking for a weakness to attack in us. We have to be on the lookout for him and resist him. I am not the only one suffering with this in the world - I am not alone. After I have suffered, He will perfect, establish, strengthen and settle me. Isn't that great?!!

And this was the e-votional from yesterday -

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort over flows.”

This is why I share my journey - and I want to give God the praise and credit for what he is doing in my life! Thank you so much to everyone who reads, comments, and emails encouraging words, they really mean a lot!

Welcome to Holland

As a special ed teacher, I have seen this poem a million times related to having a child with special needs. Until Hillary posted it today, I hadn't even thought of it in the context of losing a child, but it applies there too.

Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience, to help others understand it, to imagine how it would feel. Well, it’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks, and you make your make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, Michelangelo’s David, the gondolas in Venice. You may even learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags, and off you go. Several hours later, the plane is preparing to land. And as the plane is landing, the pilot makes an announcement: “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland ?!?!” you say. “What do you mean, Holland? I signed up to go to Italy! All of my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy!”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve taken you to Holland, and there you must stay. The important thing, however, is that haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would have never met.

It’s really just a difference place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there been a while, you’ll catch your breath. And then you’ll look around and notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy going to and from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful place it is. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. Italy is what I had planned.”

The pain of that will never, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special and very lovely things about Holland.


Rocky Mountain News, October 29, 1990

Moving On

I have finally lost count of the weeks that Tyler has been gone and of how many weeks pregnant that I should be. Not to say that on my bad days I don't get out the calendar and count, but it's not a daily thought anymore. Thursdays and Mondays are just average days in the week - They pass without me noticing. I always wondered when this day would come. It didn't happen without a conscious effort. I have worked really hard and prayed often to heal my heart and try to move forward. It hasn't been easy and I know that it won't be easy for a long time, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel! One thing that has helped is that I now start my day with God (thanks for the idea Jenny) and my daily e-votional (thanks again Kristi!) It has really been uplifting for me to start my days in the right frame of mind. Today this is a quote from Pastor Cecil:
"It was a time in David’s life when he was betrayed and abandoned. Those that could have been, and should have been, supporting him had abandoned him. But there was One who was always there, and David placed his trust in Him. He took his refuge in the Rock that cannot be shaken."

He is talking about Psalm 31:1-3 and taking refuge in God. This statement struck me, because so often when dealing with a miscarriage, there are those people who aren't there for us that we think should be. I don't know how many posts I have read about that. When those that should be supporting us are not, God is there. He is always there. I want to share the link with you because Pastor Cecil has some really good things to say. Check out some of the old e-votionals from the last several months, they are really good! http://daily-e-votional.com/ I find myself wanting to repost a lot of them, so ya'll go check it out.

Haha! I just realized I had KISS on my playlist! Mark and I were looking through songs the other night and playlist was the easiest place to find what we were looking for and I guess that one accidentally got added to Tyler's playlist. Maybe he's trying to tell me he wants more rockin' music for him on here!

Puddles

I was laying in bed last night trying to figure out how to describe the down I've felt for the last few days. I know I'm not in the pit or in a hole - then the word "puddle" popped into my head. I have just been in a little puddle lately. As I was asking God to pull me up from my puddle, I remembered a little girl named Summer that I worked with while I was in college. She was 3 and had a seizure disorder. While she was playing outside, she had a seizure and fell face down in a little puddle and drowned. I realized that these little puddles can become very dangerous if I let myself stay in them too long.
I don't know why these little "aha" moments continue to surprise me. God is working in my life and guiding me through this healing process.

My Garden

I have decided that this is my memory garden for Tyler. I know better than to try and plant a real garden, between my black thumb, the boys and the dogs I don't think a real one would last very long. I have spent the day here and added a playlist and links to my favorite poetry and scriptures that have helped me along the way. I feel so much better and I am ready for tomorrow.
I can't believe all of this stuff that I have learned how to do! For those of you that don't "know" me, I can barely attach a picture to an email! This has really been a stretch for me and a lesson in patience and persistence.

Blah

A friend of mine texted me today and let me know she is having a girl. She doesn't know about Tyler so she's been keeping us updated on her pregnancy and sending belly pictures every couple of weeks. They haven't bothered me too bad, but I knew it would be harder when she got around the time that I was when we lost Tyler. Her text sent so many different emotions through me - I am so happy that everything is ok, I'm happy that I can shop for a girl, but it also makes it hit home that I'm not ever going to have Tyler. That's a reality that I'm not sure has sunk in yet. I also think about how happy we should have been after that sonogram and instead it was the worst day of my life. This is the biggest low I have had in a long time.
AND, we saw some friends of Mark's tonight. His wife asked me if we were going to try again. Why do people think that's an appropriate question to ask? I appreciate her acknowledging our loss, but I would much prefer a "I'm sorry for your loss" or questions about what happened. I don't know if we are going to try again! As much as I want to have another baby, I'm not sure I want my heart to be ripped out again. Then she asked if it was twins because her sister-in-law lost twins twice and then finally had a little girl. I'm sorry, I don't really care. Man I sound like a witch - I guess she just caught me on the wrong day. But I really am tired of people asking if we are going to try again.
Today has helped me realize that this blog is one thing that helps me feel close to Tyler. When I was thinking about all of this before I got home, I just wanted to come sit down and type it all out here. I find comfort that this is the place that I can come and think about him. This is the only link to him that I have.
I hope the "fine" me will be back tomorrow!

Kids in Texas

I don't know if ya'll know about the horrible ritual that mother's in Texas subject their kids to year after year - the pictures in the bluebonnets! I think Danner looks like I did in most of my bluebonnet pictures while I was growing up. I hated it! And yet, I am passing the torture down to my kids like I swore I never would. I hope they pass the misery ( I mean memories) on to their kids.

Missing Tyler

We were all sitting at lunch yesterday and it hit me - I miss Tyler. I should have one more boy at the table. I can't really figure out why it hit me like that though. He shouldn't have been here yet, how can I miss something I didn't "have"? It was just a strange feeling. I cried last night, then I realized that it must be PMS. I have been doing really good, but I guess the hormones just bring it up to the surface. It's been almost 3 months, and I've heard that it can be a tough bump in the road. I hope it's an easy bump. The 3 month mark will be right around Mother's Day, but we'll be at Disneyland so hopefully it won't be too bad!

Ooops!

No earth-shattering revelations today. I have realized that I have nothing to wear! I had a wedding shower to go to today and I knew what I was going to wear until I went in the closet this morning and it was gone! I had forgotten that when I was pregnant, I felt so fat that I cleaned out my closet and threw a ton of stuff out that I was convinced I would never fit into again. Now, here I am with nothing to wear.
See, I told you it was nothing earth shattering!

Grace

Last weekend, I saw the new babies in our family for the first time. 2 of our cousins had babies after Tyler was born (one was born the next day!). I was really worried about how hard it would be for me to see and hold them, but when I saw them, held them and looked at their sweet faces, I felt nothing but joy, happiness, and thanks for them. It was not at all like I was expecting it to be!
The next night, Donna talked me in to going to the mall with her and Kala to get Kala's glasses fixed. When I got in the backseat of her car, I sat on a box of cd's, and being nosy like I am, I picked them up to see what she had. It was a set on Grace from Duane Sheriff - a pastor in Ok who is really good. I told her I needed to hear that so she let me borrow them. It is so funny how God brings you the things you want to hear. It has really opened my eyes to the things God is doing for me. A friend just blogged about grace and I see that my e-votional for tomorrow is about grace!
Grace is the ability that God gives us to do or be what we cannot do with our own human ability. God's grace is what allowed me to feel love and not pain when I saw Lily and Molly. God's grace has given me this strange sense of peace and acceptance I have had about losing Tyler. I have lost count of the weeks and Thursdays and Mondays have passed without me noticing - and I am ok with all of that!
2 Corinthians 12:9 Jesus told Paul "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." I have read and heard this a million times and it's nothing I really stopped to understand. When we are weak, we don't have our own power to overcome. God's grace gives us the perfect strength to overcome our weakness. Our weakness can be grief, doubt, sin, or even our struggles to be a godly wife and mother. I know that this peace and motivation I have had has been from God. There is no other explanation for why I have scrubbed the grout in the bathroom floor, painted the boys' room, bought and assmbled their bunkbeds and cooked dinner just this week. I asked God for the grace to be a better wife and mother because I don't do a very good job of it on my own. Now I understand about feeling joy in suffering - it makes me thing of the poem "Footprints in the Sand". I know that God is carrying me through this.
I am not one to talk about God, I actually had lost touch with him for a long time. I think that is why this is so exciting for me to see him working in this situation and I just want to share it with everyone. 1 Corinthians 15:10 "But by the grace of God I am what I am . . .yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me."
Thank you God for your amazing grace, for blessing me with Tyler, and for easing the pain of his loss.

Sunshine

The sun is shining in my heart today and I am feeling it's warmth. I can't describe the feeling, but everything is right in my world today. It's more than just peace, it's sunny. This verse has been on my heart today Song of Solomon 2:11 "See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone." The clouds and storms may pass over me again, but for now they are over and gone and I am so thankful for that!

Thank you God

Sunday, I read the stories of 2 precious babies; Ethan lost his battle with cancer, and his friend Sully is fighting for his life. Their parents have been so strong and faithful through their trials and as much as their lives and struggles have been a blessing to their families, all I could think is "thank you God that Tyler didn't have to suffer through anything like that" I know that God is at work in their lives and their families are thankful to have had them even for a short time and I don't want to take anything away from that, but I am so so thankful that Tyler is in heaven and not suffering here on this earth. Thank you God and bless Ethan and give comfort and healing to Sully if it's your will.

The God of Hope

I have gone to church all my life and have been a Christian since I was in my early teens, but I am just now starting to understand what it means to have a relationship with God. I know all about grace, hope, mercy and all that stuff, but I didn't understand it because I had never felt it. God had to let me hang myself a few times when I was younger to get my attention and to get me to look back to Him for guidance, but I have never felt Him speak to me like he has through this journey of loss.
The whole time I was pg with Tyler, the verse from Romans 8:28 was always in my mind: "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to his purpose." I just thought it was about the baby being a boy or a girl and that God knew which one our family needed. Little did I know what was in store for us and that He was speaking to me and giving me a tool to make it through what was to come.
After Tyler died, I have had a lot of questions about God and His will for me. Did he cause this? Did Satan do it? Did he just set nature in motion and let it take it's course? If I want His will for me, why should I ask Him to bless me with another baby? If I ask, is that not being submissive to His will? When people die, I have never been one to ask "why?", I understand cancer and physical things happen to our bodies just as a part of life, but the death of an unborn baby makes no sense. Why does He allow this to happen?
I had prayed before this that God would bring our family closer together, is this a case of "be careful what you ask for, you just might get it?"
Psalm 37:4-5 says "Delight yourself also in the Lord, and he shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." At first, I thought I could just give it to God and he would give me my desire to have a healthy live baby, but then I thought about the wonderful ladies who never get that even when they love God and believe in Him. What if it's His will for me not to have another?
God has spoken to me through a lot of you, and through a notebook I used to keep when I was younger with all the verses that somehow touched my heart and compelled me to write them down. I kept wanting to go talk to our Pastor so he could answer these questions for me, but it never worked out where I could. I realized today that this is something God wants me to study and find my own way, I feel like that is why he has blessed me with so many of you to help me discover the answers to my questions.
Here are my conclusions:
1. God knows what is best for us. He can see the "big" picture that I cannot see. As horrible as this has been, He may have saved us from something much worse. Good has come from this - my marriage has been blessed, we are closer than we have ever been, and I have an understanding of God and what it means to seek Him and trust in Him.
2. God tells us to ask for what we want. Phillipians 3:6-7 says " Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Jesus prayed before his death "Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours be done." I have chosen to ask God for the desires of my heart, but that I will accept His will
3. God did not DO this TO me.
4. God can take the most horrible pain and worst thing that can happen, and cause good things to come out of it
5. There are many things I still don't understand, but I do know that God knows what He is doing and I just have to trust Him. Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths"

I know this is long, but one reason I started this blog, is to talk about this journey God has lead me on. I was done journaling about the actual experience and thought I had nothing left to say, but He is speaking to me so clearly, through your words, songs on the radio, and His word that I had to write it all down. It's too much to keep in my mind. I promise my next posts won't be an entire novel!

With all that said, yes, I did find my joy. This song popped into my head today based on Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." As I trust in Him, God will filll me with joy and peace so much that it will overflow. How wonderful that is!