Thursday, June 11, 2009
I just realized that if Tyler had lived, his first birthday would have been somewhere around now. That's a very disconcerting thought now that Gunner is here because if Tyler were here, he wouldn't be. That overlap is hard - I love them both so much. It's so easy to get sucked into the "what ifs" - What if Tyler had lived? What if I had to choose between them? Well, he didn't and I don't. I can miss Tyler and love Gunner and shouldn't feel bad about it. This is the way it turned out, the way God planned it. Maybe that will sink in eventually, but for now I sit here and hold one baby that I have been so incredibly blessed with and am completely in love with while missing another one I love just as much and feel a little guilty (?) about both
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Vent on a totally unrelated topic
Ok I'm pissed - really pissed. Well, that's not really the right word and I don't know what is. I'm sure that most of you DeadBabyMamas know exactly what I'm going to talk about, but I'm not mentioning the name because I don't want to get dragged into the drama.
I was one of the suckers that got sucked into a blog s.c.a.m. She was supposedly due the day after I was so I felt a connection to her that her life as she knew it was ending and the same time I felt mine was restarting. It was all a bunch of crap. She cruised blogs trying to recruit readers in order to increase blog traffic and as a result lots of money from her own blog. It seems like she was really paying attention to all the loss blogs because she knew exactly what to say in hers. I never doubted for a minute that it was real until it all stopped (I told you I was a sucker - big time). I even emailed her at one point to share some thoughts and scripture with her. I can't believe someone would use God in a way like that. She's got to be really sick to do something that brazen. It's just disgusting that she had thousands of people all over the world praying for her dying baby and it was all just a game.
I know my prayers weren't wasted though b/c in all my newfound "prayer wisdom" ;) I was praying for God's will to be done in this situation and I truly believe it will be. If I were her, I'd start trying to get right with Him now b/c she's in big trouble.
I just cannot believe someone would act like a Christian and talk all the talk as part of a scam. I feel horrible for everyone like me who let her in through that crack in their hearts, especially for her poor friend that she just royally screwed. They all still need prayers and I'm going to do it but it is so hard. Sick. Disgusting. Twisted. I really hope that she doesn't ever have to feel 1/2 the pain she was faking (ok, well maybe honestly sometimes I do)
And I won't even start on the poor girl who lashed out at those of us who have other children. It doesn't matter if you have 0 kids or 150, the pain of losing them is just the same and if you have 0 or 150, every situation is unique and has it's own pain. None better, none worse. There is no optimal dead baby situation. I know she was hurting and that's why she said it and that's why I'm venting her and not at her
Ugh.
I was one of the suckers that got sucked into a blog s.c.a.m. She was supposedly due the day after I was so I felt a connection to her that her life as she knew it was ending and the same time I felt mine was restarting. It was all a bunch of crap. She cruised blogs trying to recruit readers in order to increase blog traffic and as a result lots of money from her own blog. It seems like she was really paying attention to all the loss blogs because she knew exactly what to say in hers. I never doubted for a minute that it was real until it all stopped (I told you I was a sucker - big time). I even emailed her at one point to share some thoughts and scripture with her. I can't believe someone would use God in a way like that. She's got to be really sick to do something that brazen. It's just disgusting that she had thousands of people all over the world praying for her dying baby and it was all just a game.
I know my prayers weren't wasted though b/c in all my newfound "prayer wisdom" ;) I was praying for God's will to be done in this situation and I truly believe it will be. If I were her, I'd start trying to get right with Him now b/c she's in big trouble.
I just cannot believe someone would act like a Christian and talk all the talk as part of a scam. I feel horrible for everyone like me who let her in through that crack in their hearts, especially for her poor friend that she just royally screwed. They all still need prayers and I'm going to do it but it is so hard. Sick. Disgusting. Twisted. I really hope that she doesn't ever have to feel 1/2 the pain she was faking (ok, well maybe honestly sometimes I do)
And I won't even start on the poor girl who lashed out at those of us who have other children. It doesn't matter if you have 0 kids or 150, the pain of losing them is just the same and if you have 0 or 150, every situation is unique and has it's own pain. None better, none worse. There is no optimal dead baby situation. I know she was hurting and that's why she said it and that's why I'm venting her and not at her
Ugh.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Sweet Boys
While we were on our way home from school today Danner started talking about where he was when I told him Tyler was dead (he was way off, but anyway). Then they wanted to know how we knew he was dead and then Ranger said he was sad Tyler wasn't here. I told them I was too, but I am happy that we have Gunner. Danner said yeah "God sent him here fast so we could have a little brother since Tyler died and he knew we wanted a brother". I LOVE these moments with them!! We were also praying last night and I was thanking God for my 3 precious boys and Ranger corrected me and said 4. I really need to watch that because I don't want them to think that I have forgotten him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)