Grief is such a strange thing. I've been feeling weird lately because, even though I still think of Tyler every day, I haven't really felt sad about him or missed him. I thought maybe I was a little too emotionally healthy. Or was it just self-preservation trying to make it through this pregnancy with my sanity in tact? Then the sermon in church yesterday was about grief. The preacher said something to the effect that we will always grieve the loss of those close to us, that doesn't mean we cry every day but it's when those little things pop up that make us think of them - like a smell, a song, or a certain day. It felt reassuring to know that I was still grieving for Tyler even though it's just in different ways now.
As I've gotten farther from his loss, I've found that I am starting to minimize it with thoughts like "I really wasn't that far along" or feeling like I shouldn't include him in things like Christmas ornaments and stuff like that. Then I talked to my MIL yesterday. She's starting a daycare next to her house and for some reason, she had to make that lot a subdivision and give it a name. She named it Tyler's Place. I can't tell you how much that means to have someone else value his name and his memory. Things like that make me feel like I'm not totally crazy for acting like he was a "normal" part of our family.
I found the baby's heartbeat with my doppler the other day! I have also felt a few movements! That took such a load off my mind, but now I'm scared to try to find it again. Maybe I can just hold out until my appt Friday. I am finding myself wanting to make plans and think about how we are going to shuffle things around, but then I stop myself. I need to just let go and do it, but then it will be so hard to undo if things don't go as planned. Babysteps I guess, I probably need to concentrate on getting through the next few weeks before I give myself anything else to stress about!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Vent
Ok, after my "I'm a better person now" post, I have to vent. It really pisses me off when I'm sitting in the Dr's office trying to act normal and read all the stupid baby magazines and I read (in every single one of them) that after you've heard the baby's heartbeat, you are in the clear and have virtually no risk of miscarriage and then after 12 weeks you're pretty much home free. That is like a stab in my gut. I know that statistically speaking that is true, but someone has to be in those 3%. Someone has to be the 1 in a million. Don't they know that babies can die at any time in the pregnancy? Just b/c you've made it to 12 weeks, 24 weeks, or God forbid 40 weeks, you aren't in the clear. My logical mind knows they are just trying not to alarm all the overly emotional pregnany women, but what about us overly emotional pregnant women who lost our babies after we were "in the clear?". It just really pisses me off.
Suffering
I have been reading in Job for the last couple of weeks. I needed to be in that book, especially in light of struggles and heartbreaks some very dear friends are experiencing. It seems like the best most Godly people are suffering so much more. Why do good people have to suffer? The short answer is - I don't know. What I do know is that God is in control and that He is able to bring good from the worst of circumstances. I am 9 mos out from my loss so I think I am able to get a bigger perspective on things that I could have even 2 mos ago. It seems the farther away I get from that awful day, the deeper I am able to dig spiritually. At first, I didn't want to look for answers, I wanted comfort and I just wanted God to flat out tell me what I wanted to know. As time went on, individual scriptures caught my attention, and now I am able to find more comfort in the fact that I will be in heaven someday with Tyler and how great that will be! It's taken millions of babysteps to get here.
Job was a righteous man and very wealthy and successful. Satan suggests to God that the only reason Job is faithful to Him is because of his prosperity. God permits Satan to test it out by taking away his prosperity. When Job remains faithful, God permits Satan to bring personal suffering to Job. Job, like all of us, wanted to know why this was happening to him. He turned to his friends who all had different, and wrong, opinions.
Angie at Bring the Rain mentioned the book "What the Bible is all about Bible handbook" (I'm so excited I finally learned how to hyperlink! Can you tell?)- it's a great book that explains each book of the Bible to people like me who really don't understand what it's trying to say. Here are some things it said about Job
"1. Job tore his robe (1:20). It is worthwhile for us to learn that we are meant to feel grief. Sorrow has its use in our lives. We are told "do not make light of the Lord's discipline" but be "trained by it." (Hebrews12:5,11) . . . 2. Job recognized that loss and sorrow are the laws of life. We have to learn that all possessions are transient. We are losing something every moment. We cannot stop and weep about everything that is taken from us. We have to learn a hard lesson - that we can live on in spite of all our losses. Begin to learn while you are young that nothing is necessary but Christ."
The real conflict here was between God and Satan. "When the trials came, Job did not understand the meaning of all of his suffering. He knew it was not because he had sinned, as his friends said. He wondered what God was doing. We will not always understand what God is working out in the battleground of our hearts. But know this: there is a reason and value to everything God allows and that 'in all things God works for the good of those that love him and have been called according to his purpose' (Romans 8:28). Job proved that Satan's statement concerning God's children was a lie, that is, that they only serve Him for what they can get out of it. Don't always try to find the reason for your trials and experiences. Sometimes we will have to wait for the answer . . . We will never find the answer to all of God's dealings. We may be honest and sincere as far as it goes, as were Job's friends, but God's ways are past finding out. God never allowed the devil to prove that God blundered when He made humans by suggesting that they only serve God for what they can get out of Him."
In the end, Job falls on his face before God and repents in "dust and ashes" for questioning Him. God restores his family and wealth 2 fold. "Job found God in his trouble. Many know God as a creator and believe in His greatness, but they do not really know God. The more we understand His ways the more we will love Him and put our trust in Him."
"God has a wise purpose in all of our suffering. God wants us to show His manifold wisdom (Eph 3:10). He wants the trial of our faith to work patience. He wants to bring out the gold as by fire. He wants to reveal real character."
Do I think God is sitting up in heaven and just decides "Hmm, I think I'll take her baby today and see what happens" - no! I think the earth, nature and everything in it has been set in motion and was made imperfect by sin. Bad things happen, but I think when we come to Him and put our trust and faith in Him, that's when He is able to bring the good things out of the worst situation.
I know that I am a very different person now than I was before Tyler's death. I know that I have such a greater understanding of God and eternity now. I have peace. I'm not as afraid of things as I was before. Good things have come out of his loss. Do they make up for the pain of losing him? No way but I have learned to appreciate the rain and be doubly thankful for the sun.
Job was a righteous man and very wealthy and successful. Satan suggests to God that the only reason Job is faithful to Him is because of his prosperity. God permits Satan to test it out by taking away his prosperity. When Job remains faithful, God permits Satan to bring personal suffering to Job. Job, like all of us, wanted to know why this was happening to him. He turned to his friends who all had different, and wrong, opinions.
Angie at Bring the Rain mentioned the book "What the Bible is all about Bible handbook" (I'm so excited I finally learned how to hyperlink! Can you tell?)- it's a great book that explains each book of the Bible to people like me who really don't understand what it's trying to say. Here are some things it said about Job
"1. Job tore his robe (1:20). It is worthwhile for us to learn that we are meant to feel grief. Sorrow has its use in our lives. We are told "do not make light of the Lord's discipline" but be "trained by it." (Hebrews12:5,11) . . . 2. Job recognized that loss and sorrow are the laws of life. We have to learn that all possessions are transient. We are losing something every moment. We cannot stop and weep about everything that is taken from us. We have to learn a hard lesson - that we can live on in spite of all our losses. Begin to learn while you are young that nothing is necessary but Christ."
The real conflict here was between God and Satan. "When the trials came, Job did not understand the meaning of all of his suffering. He knew it was not because he had sinned, as his friends said. He wondered what God was doing. We will not always understand what God is working out in the battleground of our hearts. But know this: there is a reason and value to everything God allows and that 'in all things God works for the good of those that love him and have been called according to his purpose' (Romans 8:28). Job proved that Satan's statement concerning God's children was a lie, that is, that they only serve Him for what they can get out of it. Don't always try to find the reason for your trials and experiences. Sometimes we will have to wait for the answer . . . We will never find the answer to all of God's dealings. We may be honest and sincere as far as it goes, as were Job's friends, but God's ways are past finding out. God never allowed the devil to prove that God blundered when He made humans by suggesting that they only serve God for what they can get out of Him."
In the end, Job falls on his face before God and repents in "dust and ashes" for questioning Him. God restores his family and wealth 2 fold. "Job found God in his trouble. Many know God as a creator and believe in His greatness, but they do not really know God. The more we understand His ways the more we will love Him and put our trust in Him."
"God has a wise purpose in all of our suffering. God wants us to show His manifold wisdom (Eph 3:10). He wants the trial of our faith to work patience. He wants to bring out the gold as by fire. He wants to reveal real character."
Do I think God is sitting up in heaven and just decides "Hmm, I think I'll take her baby today and see what happens" - no! I think the earth, nature and everything in it has been set in motion and was made imperfect by sin. Bad things happen, but I think when we come to Him and put our trust and faith in Him, that's when He is able to bring the good things out of the worst situation.
I know that I am a very different person now than I was before Tyler's death. I know that I have such a greater understanding of God and eternity now. I have peace. I'm not as afraid of things as I was before. Good things have come out of his loss. Do they make up for the pain of losing him? No way but I have learned to appreciate the rain and be doubly thankful for the sun.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Still going
I just realized I hadn't updated here in awhile. I have had so much going on in my head that I really can't get it all out. I had a few weeks where I was really anxious, but it is starting to ease up some. I'm expecting it to pick back up as we get into the time when Tyler died. This is the picture of my 7 week u/s. I had one today to do the NT measurements, but the Dr didn't give me any pictures. The high risk Dr is completely unconcerned with me and thinks that Danner's cord problems and Tyler's death are just 2 unrelated random occurrences. Which is good I guess, but doesn't make me feel much better. Baby measured right on today and nuchal fold was "average" and that's about all the info I got. I saw the heartbeating, but didn't get to hear it today. I really didn't care for this Dr, but he's the one that Dr. C said would be the best so I'll just take his word for it. He did say that my placenta is a little anterior so it will probably be awhile before I can feel good movement and it will be harder to find the hb with a doppler. Isn't that great - that was what I was counting on to ease my mind. I guess it's another way God is telling me to trust Him and that He's got everything under control.
A friend lost her twins last night and it's heartbreaking to see someone have to go down this road yet again, especially in the same year. Please keep Jenell and her husband Rob in your prayers.
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