The God of Hope

I have gone to church all my life and have been a Christian since I was in my early teens, but I am just now starting to understand what it means to have a relationship with God. I know all about grace, hope, mercy and all that stuff, but I didn't understand it because I had never felt it. God had to let me hang myself a few times when I was younger to get my attention and to get me to look back to Him for guidance, but I have never felt Him speak to me like he has through this journey of loss.
The whole time I was pg with Tyler, the verse from Romans 8:28 was always in my mind: "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to his purpose." I just thought it was about the baby being a boy or a girl and that God knew which one our family needed. Little did I know what was in store for us and that He was speaking to me and giving me a tool to make it through what was to come.
After Tyler died, I have had a lot of questions about God and His will for me. Did he cause this? Did Satan do it? Did he just set nature in motion and let it take it's course? If I want His will for me, why should I ask Him to bless me with another baby? If I ask, is that not being submissive to His will? When people die, I have never been one to ask "why?", I understand cancer and physical things happen to our bodies just as a part of life, but the death of an unborn baby makes no sense. Why does He allow this to happen?
I had prayed before this that God would bring our family closer together, is this a case of "be careful what you ask for, you just might get it?"
Psalm 37:4-5 says "Delight yourself also in the Lord, and he shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." At first, I thought I could just give it to God and he would give me my desire to have a healthy live baby, but then I thought about the wonderful ladies who never get that even when they love God and believe in Him. What if it's His will for me not to have another?
God has spoken to me through a lot of you, and through a notebook I used to keep when I was younger with all the verses that somehow touched my heart and compelled me to write them down. I kept wanting to go talk to our Pastor so he could answer these questions for me, but it never worked out where I could. I realized today that this is something God wants me to study and find my own way, I feel like that is why he has blessed me with so many of you to help me discover the answers to my questions.
Here are my conclusions:
1. God knows what is best for us. He can see the "big" picture that I cannot see. As horrible as this has been, He may have saved us from something much worse. Good has come from this - my marriage has been blessed, we are closer than we have ever been, and I have an understanding of God and what it means to seek Him and trust in Him.
2. God tells us to ask for what we want. Phillipians 3:6-7 says " Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Jesus prayed before his death "Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours be done." I have chosen to ask God for the desires of my heart, but that I will accept His will
3. God did not DO this TO me.
4. God can take the most horrible pain and worst thing that can happen, and cause good things to come out of it
5. There are many things I still don't understand, but I do know that God knows what He is doing and I just have to trust Him. Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths"

I know this is long, but one reason I started this blog, is to talk about this journey God has lead me on. I was done journaling about the actual experience and thought I had nothing left to say, but He is speaking to me so clearly, through your words, songs on the radio, and His word that I had to write it all down. It's too much to keep in my mind. I promise my next posts won't be an entire novel!

With all that said, yes, I did find my joy. This song popped into my head today based on Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." As I trust in Him, God will filll me with joy and peace so much that it will overflow. How wonderful that is!