Grief

Grief is such a strange thing. I've been feeling weird lately because, even though I still think of Tyler every day, I haven't really felt sad about him or missed him. I thought maybe I was a little too emotionally healthy. Or was it just self-preservation trying to make it through this pregnancy with my sanity in tact? Then the sermon in church yesterday was about grief. The preacher said something to the effect that we will always grieve the loss of those close to us, that doesn't mean we cry every day but it's when those little things pop up that make us think of them - like a smell, a song, or a certain day. It felt reassuring to know that I was still grieving for Tyler even though it's just in different ways now.
As I've gotten farther from his loss, I've found that I am starting to minimize it with thoughts like "I really wasn't that far along" or feeling like I shouldn't include him in things like Christmas ornaments and stuff like that. Then I talked to my MIL yesterday. She's starting a daycare next to her house and for some reason, she had to make that lot a subdivision and give it a name. She named it Tyler's Place. I can't tell you how much that means to have someone else value his name and his memory. Things like that make me feel like I'm not totally crazy for acting like he was a "normal" part of our family.
I found the baby's heartbeat with my doppler the other day! I have also felt a few movements! That took such a load off my mind, but now I'm scared to try to find it again. Maybe I can just hold out until my appt Friday. I am finding myself wanting to make plans and think about how we are going to shuffle things around, but then I stop myself. I need to just let go and do it, but then it will be so hard to undo if things don't go as planned. Babysteps I guess, I probably need to concentrate on getting through the next few weeks before I give myself anything else to stress about!