Thursday, June 11, 2009
I just realized that if Tyler had lived, his first birthday would have been somewhere around now. That's a very disconcerting thought now that Gunner is here because if Tyler were here, he wouldn't be. That overlap is hard - I love them both so much. It's so easy to get sucked into the "what ifs" - What if Tyler had lived? What if I had to choose between them? Well, he didn't and I don't. I can miss Tyler and love Gunner and shouldn't feel bad about it. This is the way it turned out, the way God planned it. Maybe that will sink in eventually, but for now I sit here and hold one baby that I have been so incredibly blessed with and am completely in love with while missing another one I love just as much and feel a little guilty (?) about both
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4 comments:
Oh, how I know that feeling. Eleanor's not here yet, but I've done so much to prepare for her that I didn't get to do for Ada. I'm going to the hospital to be induced just 4 days after Ada's first birthday...I'm not sure how that's going to feel. But yes, as mothers we just love all of our children. Thankfully we don't have to choose.
Your blog is beautiful and so heart felt...I went back and read older posts and you have a great blog.
I just posted the last of our Disney posts....
Hope you will enjoy it.
Stop by when you have some time.
I love all my new blog friends.
Would it have really been that long? Somehow his loss is still so fresh it is like it all happened only a few months ago. But then I have a hard time of putting Tyler and Gunner into the same thought. Does that make sense? It's not that I forget or don't think of Tyler when I'm with or thinking of Gunner, its just..IDK...like the sorrow of loosing Tyler and the happiness of having Gunner, theres too much of each to be able to fit into the same space at the same time...???
I couldn't even come close to understanding what your going through, but I can tell you that I have followed your blog for a while, and God knows your heart.
You have heart full of love, unconditional love for both Tyler and Gunner. And that's what is so beautiful about reading your blog.
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