The Delivery (all the details)

Sat Feb 9
I had to get up and take Ranger to the Dr - he has the flu. Isn't that great?
Before we left for the hospital, I got in the shower, rubbed my little belly for the last time and bawled. We went by Bennigan's so Mark could get something to eat before we sat at the hospital for who knows how long. I was so scared I was shaking and fighting back tears the whole time. Everyone around us was just so normal and here we were going to have the worst experience of our lives. We got to the hospital and ended up going to postpartum where the lady gave us a hard time when we asked for labor and delivery and we had to explain to her. I just wanted to yell at her. We got to labor and delivery and I told them my name and that we were meeting Dr Neville there at 8. The nurse asked “Is she in labor?” I said no, it’s me and she looked at me like I was a mental patient. I don’t think I have wanted to slap someone so hard in my life. I was so scared not knowing how long this would take or how bad it would hurt. Dr C said it would probably be Sunday night or Monday morning, but I was praying it would just be fast, couldn’t God at least do that? They started the cervadil at about 10 that night, started the cytotec at 10 Sunday morning, another dose at 2 and around 5:30 I was having a sharp pain - the Dr came in to examine me and my water had hourglassed and it broke during the exam. The nurse thought things would happen quickly after this. After the exam, I was waiting every second to feel the baby. I took a dose of cytotec by mouth and again nothing. The Dr came back at midnight, tried to feel for the baby and started pitocin. I was just ready for it to be over. I sat there for 2 hours scared that any little thing was the baby passing. I started having cramps but they weren’t too bad. He came in about 2 and set everything up to just go in and get the baby, since nothing was happening. I decided for some more Demerol. The baby passed without me even feeling it, but the next few minutes were hell trying to get out the placenta and making sure it was all out. I hope that is the most pain I ever have to feel in my life, but I was worried mostly about Mark having to watch me go through it.

Monday February 11, 2008
The baby was born about 3am and we were SHOCKED that it was a boy!! We named him Tyler. He was so tiny. Mark looked at him but I didn’t. I kind of tried b/c a part of me wanted to look, but the other part of me didn't. The dr showed us his little hand and said his cord was twisted really tight and that was probably what caused it. He had probably been gone a few weeks. I cried a little bit, but I was just numb.
I took a pill to sleep and sent Mark home. I woke up about 8 and was ready to go home. I did a lot better than I thought I would, we sat around, watched TV and waited to be released. Then they bring in the wheelchair and it hits me - I have to leave this safe little place, leave my baby here and go into the real world. It hit me like a ton of bricks. And of course, they pushed me right passed the nursery and through the main lobby. It was so humiliating - I felt like everyone was looking at me and seeing me leave the hopsital without my baby. They probably really weren’t, but it felt like they were.
I cried the whole way home. I went straight to bed and cried. Mark took some time to himself and I hear him crying in the other room. I feel so bad for him, but I don’t know how to get past my own sadness to comfort him. He comes in there and lays with me for awhile and then leaves to go check on a job. I just cry. I spend more time reading the board on the internet and find a lot of comfort there. I also start to look back on all the signals I missed: I started feeling so much better, less fatigue around the time to baby died. I also got really snappy and edgy. My belly didn’t really grow, my hair was falling out, my nails weren’t growing. I can’t quit crying. I stop for a minute and then get hit by a huge wave. The nurse put a box together with a sweet little announcements, bracelets, a little cap and pictures of his hands a feet. Mark teased me yesterday that he had my feet b/c his middle toe was longer than his big toe. The pictures weren’t as disturbing as I thought they would be. Then Mark calls and says he feels horrible and is on the way to the Dr. Now he has the flu. Why is this happening? Can’t I catch a break? I guess I switch into mother mode and I go to town to pick up his medicine. I realize on the way home that I hadn’t tried to find the baby’s heartbeat since my last Dr visit. I found it that afternoon and tried again a few days later and couldn’t find it. I never tried again. I thought about it a few times but never got around to doing it.

In the beginning . . .

Feb 7th
Today was the day of my "big" u/s. I have a friend that's a nurse for a hosptial, so she arranged for me to come in because we all couldn't wait to know what the baby was. I was so nervous before I left. I got in the shower and prayed that God knew what was best and I trusted Him. I thought I was just scared to find out if it was a girl. I even got out the doppler and checked for the hb before I left. I picked one up, it was a little slower than usual, but I didn't think anything about it.
Another friend of mine met us up there. After a few minutes of the u/s I noticed that I didn’t see a hb and the baby wasn’t moving - I asked half kidding “Is it even alive?” She just kind of smiled and kept going, that’s when I knew. She finally said the baby had no hb and had swelling of the head and abdomen. My heart was pounding, but I wasn’t really surprised. I have had a bad feeling this whole time - that’s why I wasn’t able to talk about it or tell people or get excited. I haven’t bought 1 thing for this baby, I started to a couple of times but stopped myself for some reason. I mean I had the stuff in my hand and put it down before I checked out.
I just said “It’s ok, I knew it” I felt worse for my friends and the tech really. I didn’t even cry. I had to go pick up Ranger and then his teacher called - they all wanted to know what I was having and she couldn’t wait. I felt bad, but I had to tell her. There are so many people that are excited about this baby! Mark picked up Danner and met us at home. I stopped and bought the boys a movie and 2 video games so they would have something to keep them entertained. I didn’t know what to do. Mark was so good and took the boys for awhile so I could be alone. I don’t really remember what I did - I know I spent some time posting on BBC trying to figure out what was happening. I can look back now on all the things that weren’t right, I hadn’t felt the baby really move, my belly wasn’t growing like it should be, my nails and hair weren’t growing, and about the time the baby died is when my fatigue went away and I was really nesting. In the last couple of weeks, I had cleaned out the garage, the boys closets and starting scrubbing the tile in our bathroom. I just shook it all off as 2nd trimester energy. When the boys got home, I realized Ranger was running fever. I spent the rest of the night holding him. After he went to bed, we just sat in here in shock. Mark and I both searched the internet trying to figure out what was going to happen next and how bad it would be. Mark is worried for me that it’s going to be really bad. I am scared about being induced into labor and how painful it will be. I never want to go through this again. I guess it could be worse, we could have been farther along or could have been stillborn at full term or could have been a severely disabled baby. I didn’t sleep much that night and Ranger ended up in our bed with a raging fever.

Feb 8
Mark got up and went to work. He needed to go and I needed him to go. I don’t really remember much about that day, but my parents got here about 11:30. I think I was on autopilot b/c I got up and dressed and picked up the house and started laundry. Ranger stayed home sick.
When we got to the ob, we had to wait in there with the pg people and a family with a new baby . Dr C came in to watch the u/s and confirmed that the baby was gone and was measuring about 15 weeks (I should have been 18)! He thinks it slowly stopped growing and has been gone a week. He was so great and spent a lot of time to us explaining that we did nothing to cause this and telling us what the process would be like and explained to us some of the feelings we might have. He scheduled us to come in at 8 tomorrow night for an induction - I just don’t know if I can carry a dead baby in me that long. Mark said I’m like the penguin on March of the Penguins that kept messing with its dead baby thinking it would get up. I want it out and I want this baby bump to go away. It kills me every time I look in the mirror. We're still stunned. We left and didn’t want to go home so we went to Weatherford to sign papers on Tony’s truck and then shopping at Central Market. It was so hard - we saw babies, kids and pg people there and it took everything I had not to cry through the whole store. I was fine as long as I didn’t look at Mark or touch him. He gave me a big hug when we got to the truck and I let it go. He knew I needed it. We ended up going out to eat - I didn’t think I could, but neither one of us wanted to go home. I had a drink with my dinner, I was scared I was going to be a crying drunk, but surprisingly, it really helped me to calm down. I think we enjoyed our dinner under the circumstances. I couldn’t eat much, but we had a good time I think I am doing pretty good that this isn’t going to be too bad . . . I do feel like a total jackass for telling people I didn’t want either one when they asked if I wanted a boy or a girl. I feel bad for not being excited but I know it was my body protecting me. I wish I would have savored every minute though.
Ranger slept with us again and ran 104 fever. Why can’t God let me grieve in peace? Isn’t what I’m going through enough to handle?

Joy in Trials

Romans 5:3-5 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

1 Peter 4:12-15 Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy. If you are reproached for the name of Christ, blessed are you, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.

James 1:2-4 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

Encouragement

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

Psalm 37:4-5 Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Lamentations 3:22-26 Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “ The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “ Therefore I hope in Him!” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly For the salvation of the LORD.

Numbers 6:24-26 The LORD bless you and keep you; The LORD make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; The LORD lift up His countenance upon you,And give you peace.

Ecclesiastes 4:3 Yet, better than both is he who has never existed, Who has not seen the evil work that is done under the sun.

Psalm 55:22 Cast your burden on the LORD, And He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.

Psalm 9:10 And those who know Your name will put their trust in You;For You, LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”\

Song of Solomon 2:11 For lo, the winter is past, The rain is over and gone.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:3-7 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

John 16:22 Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you.

Romans 8:26 Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us[a] with groanings which cannot be uttered.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Psalm 30:1-5 I will exalt you, O LORD, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.
O LORD, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit.
Sing to the LORD, you saints of his; praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Poetry

Just Those Few Weeks

For those few weeks-

I had you to myself.

And that seems too short a time

to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks-

I came to know you...

And to love you too.

You came to trust me with your life.

Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks-

When I lost you.

I lost a lifetime of hope,

plans, dreams, and aspirations...

A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks-

It wasn't enough to convince others how special and important you were,

How odd, a truly unique person has recently died

and no one is mourning the passing.

Just these few weeks-

And no "normal" person would cry all night

over a tiny, unfinshed baby,

or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.

No one would so why am I?
You were those few weeks my little one

you darted in and our of my life too quickly,

But it seems that's all the time you needed

to make my life so much richer

and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

-Susan Erling



Some tread upon this earth for many years

And some touch many lives

Some alight for only a few heartbeats

And touch only a few lives.

But whether a raindropor a teardrop

touches the water

Both cause ripples

And

Both are missed

when the water stills

And

Neither is forgotten where

the ripples touched.

-Unknown



God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain; but he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

I miss you now more than ever before
But, I trust God will open a door
And show me how to go on without you
To give me some hope and comfort too.
For you were my life and I loved you so dear
And it breaks my heart to not have you near.
But, life goes on and I will too
I just wish it wouldn’t go on without you.
All my love . . .

And if I go, while you're still here...

Know that I live onVibrating to a different measure--
Behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
So you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar together again,
--Both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to its fullest.
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart,...
I will be there. -
Emily Dickinson

Little Footprints
How very softly

you tiptoed into my world.

Almost silently,

only a moment you stayed.

But what an imprintyour footprints have left

upon my heart.