Someone please reach out and slap me!

Ok, I did something really stupid. I made an appt with the high-risk Dr (that's not the stupid part) and my ob told me to make sure I had all the details together of my other pregnancies so we could lay it all out and know exactly what our risks and problems would be if we decided to get pg again. I called the hospital where I delivered the boys to get the records (I think one of them had the cord wrapped around his neck, but Mark and I don't agree on which one it was). Anyway, they said I could come look at the records for free and not have to pay all the fees for copies. So I went by there yesterday and they had forgotten to tell me that they would have to order the files from storage since it had been so long. Since I was there, I decided I would look at Tyer's file just to see what was in there (that's the stupid thing). I found out that he died at 15 weeks 3 days, I hadn't known that they knew exactly. Knowing the exact day he died is a little unsettling to me. I wonder what I was doing that day and if I did anything wrong. Luckily, I threw my calendar away a few months ago just so I wouldn't keep going back and try to figure out what went wrong. Also, he might have been a girl, not a boy! The pathology report said "external genitalia is indeterminate and most compatible with that of a female"! That really threw me for a loop! He's been a boy all this time, we can't just change that. Why would the Dr tell us it was a boy? I told Mark when I got home - I didn't want to tell him I went through the files, but I had to tell someone and that's not really something you call and tell your friends about! I felt better after talking to him about it though, he believes Dr Carrington and didn't seem too bothered about it.
Oh well just another unknown. Why does reading that make me want to have another baby again? I feel like I don't have anything to hold on with him (or her) anymore. Does that make any sense? uuuggghhhhh!

I do want to say thank you to everyone who reads my ramblings. I really appreciate the thoughts and comments you have shared here and other places. I love to hear that you are reading and it makes sense to you!