The first week with Gunner was amazing! Despite his problems with jaundice and needing to be under the lights and make a few early morning Dr visits, I have loved every minute with him. I cannot tell you how great it felt to leave the hospital with a baby instead of just a box. It makes all the struggles of the last 18 months not seem as dark anymore and it feels like life has started moving again (or really that I have started moving with life again).
Now, though, fear has started creeping in again. This all seems so surreal and it scares me that something could still happen to Gunner - not that it's likely or really even in my control. He's not sleeping well at night so the other night I put him down on his tummy and almost had an anxiety attack. I just couldn't do it. The good thing is that I'm not taking anything for granted - I can't look at him or hold him enough, and no wishing away the sleepless nights and tummy aches. For the first time in my life I am content in the moment
I was holding Gunner the other day and Danner said "he reminds me of someone very special we lost" I asked who and he said Tyler. Every one in awhile they will ask if I think Tyler would have looked like him or if he would have made that face or noise. It really amazes me how much they love the brother that they never got to meet.
I've been working on this post for almost 2 weeks and it just keeps getting more random as I hear and read things I want to add. I'm going to quit trying to find the time to really sit down and get some thoughts out b/c I don't think that is going to happen any time soon. Here are a few blog posts that really have touched me recently.
"The Lord makes each of our children just as He sees fit. Some have red hair, some blonde, some have blue eyes and some brown, some have hot tempers, while others are mild mannered. Some have developmental delays, and some have physical impairments. Some are meant to stay for a long time, and others only a moment. He trusts these children, His children to us as gifts. They are not ours, but His and they each bless us in a different way and take up residence in a different part of our hearts we never knew existed. Even the children who are only with us briefly bless us with immense gifts that will never be erased or forgotten. One doesn't replace another and each one is as valuable as the next. I have been blessed FIVE times. I am still trying to wrap my mind around that and find contentment with the blessings He has bestowed upon me even when there is pain intertwined with the joy. I am learning that feeling joy for the NEW thing the Lord is doing in my life does not replace the loss that I feel daily." - http://babybolte.blogspot.com/2009/05/struggle-with-contentment.html
1 comment:
The post about prayer couldn't have been put any better! I understand your fears and even if things had gone right with Tyler, those same fears would have been there I think. I know I can't count the number of times while G was asleep in my arms or laying in my lap that I would check to make sure he was breathing, and its the same mom thing that made me check on R and D when I would get up to pee. Is it the same mother instinct that also causes me to sometimes watch my husband sleep to make sure he is still breathing or sneak upstairs when my daughter is home to check out the same with her? Maybe I'm just paranoid?!? Or is the fear just part of being a Mom? I would really like to know....
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