You know, things have been going pretty good lately. I have put some distance between myself and DeadBabyMama Land and have been feeling good. I have been really busy, but maybe a little too busy. I think I may have pushed too much aside and let it build up.
Tonight I went to play Bunco with Ranger's teachers and some of their friends and there was a girl there that was very pg and I realized it didn't really bother me. So, I'm trying to be nice and social and I ask her when she's due. Just so happens that she's due on Tyler's due date. Are you kidding me?! I had to stop myself from telling her "oh that's when I was due". I can't imagine what kind of look I had on my face or what my reaction was. I managed to hold it together until it was all over and I was back in my car. I thought I was ok for a minute and then the heaving sobs hit. Mark was so great when I got home, he just held me and let me slobber and cry all over him! I really don't understand it though - I have accepted Tyler's death and am ok with it. As I was sitting down to write this, I realized it's more about me. He hasn't lost or missed out on anything. He got the great end of the deal. I lost a part of me, not only physically but otherwise. I lost my innocence and excitement and joy of a pregnancy. I will never look at a pg woman again without thinking "Lord I hope they are ok". I don't think I will ever be able to relax and enjoy the pregnancies of anyone around me - just waiting and praying that they will never have to join the club. I feel so selfish that my sadness isn't for Tyler, it's just for me. I'm sad that I missed the "fun" part, having the big belly, feeling him move around, wondering what he would look like, the excitement and anticipation, the sweetness of my boys with a baby - all that stuff. If I ever get pg again, it won't be the same. This is something that I will never get back, I think now I'm grieving that old piece of me that's gone. I want to be pg again, but I realize that I want it to be the way it was. I don't know if I want to get pg and have this dark cloud hanging over me waiting for it to happen again. I don't even know how to explain all of this, I don't even know really what it is that bothered me so much. He's gone, he's not coming back, I'm not pregnant anymore - I get it, so why am I crying?
I know that God is with me and I believe that he can heal me - maybe this is a piece He can give me back. I don't really know. On my way home, the song came on "Holy is the Lord God Almighty, worthy in the lamb, you are holy" I can't think of the rest of the words right now, but I sang and cried. I praise you in this storm God, you are holy and almighty and I trust your will and I rest in your grace.