Here's some more good stuff on how God is working in my life - (I'll try not to get sidetracked like I did on the last post.) My mom asked for a Selah cd one Christmas. That was before my satellite radio and before I really listened to Christian music regularly so I didn't pay much attention to it. Fast forward to May when the former singer of the group lost her newborn son to SIDS. I have thought about her a lot and wondered how she was handling grieving, especially when she is so much more of a public figure. I imagined how tough it would be to face a tragedy like that and have everyone watching to see if you are grieving like a proper Christian woman should. For some reason, I only thought about it in the car and I kept wanting to google her and see if she had written anything and to see exactly what happened. A couple of weeks ago, I gave up remembering and googled from my phone. I saw there that her SIL had lost a baby a very short time before that. Wow! How horrible would that be? I know it's my worst fear to have someone close to me lose a child. I came across her blog (the SIL), but it was too hard to read it on my phone. Of course I forgot, but I finally read her blog the other night and it was AMAZING!! Right after I finished reading, I came here and a reader had posted the link to her site also. God was making sure He had all his bases covered, b/c he knows how I am! In the midst of all of this, I have been really trying to seek out a Christian perspective on all this. I let the devil sneak in and tell me that I wasn't trusting in God enough, I wasn't good enough b/c I still have all these questions blah blah blah. I was really comforted by reading blogs of other Christian women who were having the same struggles too and that it was ok. Angie's blog is so heartfelt and open and her strength is amazing - I know she doesn't see it in herself, but it is. Please go read it. Once you start, you won't be able to stop so find some time, put your feet up and get ready to cry uncontrollably and laugh at the same time. She has a true gift for writing. http://www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
Reading blogs like hers make me feel awful about my writing, but you know, I am just a mom grieving the loss of her son. I'm not a writer and I feel I am just writing what God puts on my heart. I have written before that before this, I never fully understood what it meant to have a relationship with God, to praise him always, to let him hold me and all that other stuff they talk about in church. How do I praise? What does that mean? How do I let Him hold me, when He's not physical? How do I get close to God? Ironically, this was all stuff I really started searching for while I was pregnant with Tyler (ya think it was God? I do) He put people of great faith in my path so I could see that He was capable of amazing things and things no one could imagine were possible. Since Tyler died, I have developed a relationship with God that I never could have imagined before. In my mind, I was kind of patting myself on the back for what a great Christian I have become through this. After reading Angie's blog, I realized that I have more work to do. I have to teach my boys how to have this relatioship and love with God. They go to church, memorize their verses and all of that, but I am not showing them God by the way we live daily. She really inspired me through some very precious stories of her girls to spend more time "teaching" them and showing them what it's like to love God and those around you. One thing she talked about was a question that I still have - why did God stand by and let this happen? We all know He could have healed Tyler so why didn't He? Her earth shattering answer - I don't know. I don't think we will ever know, but I trust in Him and that's all I can do. Thanks Angie and thanks to you other DBM's (DeadBabyMamas) who share your faith and your struggles so openly with me.
I know this is long - I feel like I don't have anything to say until I make myself sit down and write, then a book comes out. I'm not done, but I'm stopping and I'll finish later.
Nicol Sponberg and her family also have a blog about their son Luke (I think it's mainly her husband that writes) http://thelukesponbergfoundation.blogspot.com/
I want to share the happy parts of my life too - I do have joy, this is just the place where I can come and get all this out. I'm not the type that talks about this stuff out loud so it is great for me to be able to get it all out somewhere. My boys are a mess and here is their blog - http://shipmankids.blogspot.com/
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