Mess

I'm a mess right now and so is everything around me it seems. I know we have all been here before - the place where it seems that nothing is going right and life is just a mess. My kids are completely out of control, Mark is having horrible times with his work, our family isn't functioning right, and I don't know which way is up right now. I have been hit with the sadness again lately, and I know a lot of it is because of all of the stress and unrest everywhere else. I miss Tyler and I wish he was here with us. I think of all of the things we have done lately and how it "would" (I'm trying to catch those "shoulds"!) have been if he was with us. I look at the baby clothes we walk by while school shopping and am sad that we don't have our baby to shop for.
Everything with Tyler seemed so perfect - the timing, the place we were in our lives and our relationship, even the way my health insurance coverage worked out was perfect. It seemed like this was a new start for us. Mark was so excited about having a baby and I thought this was really going to bring our family closer together. All those feelings and excitement we will never get back, not even with another baby. I guess the realities of life as a DeadBabyMama are just starting to sink in.
I know this is just another dip in the rollercoaster and I'll be ok in a few days. I know that getting the kids back to school and getting us all in a routine again is what we all need right now - I think we are "summered out".