Moving On

I have finally lost count of the weeks that Tyler has been gone and of how many weeks pregnant that I should be. Not to say that on my bad days I don't get out the calendar and count, but it's not a daily thought anymore. Thursdays and Mondays are just average days in the week - They pass without me noticing. I always wondered when this day would come. It didn't happen without a conscious effort. I have worked really hard and prayed often to heal my heart and try to move forward. It hasn't been easy and I know that it won't be easy for a long time, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel! One thing that has helped is that I now start my day with God (thanks for the idea Jenny) and my daily e-votional (thanks again Kristi!) It has really been uplifting for me to start my days in the right frame of mind. Today this is a quote from Pastor Cecil:
"It was a time in David’s life when he was betrayed and abandoned. Those that could have been, and should have been, supporting him had abandoned him. But there was One who was always there, and David placed his trust in Him. He took his refuge in the Rock that cannot be shaken."

He is talking about Psalm 31:1-3 and taking refuge in God. This statement struck me, because so often when dealing with a miscarriage, there are those people who aren't there for us that we think should be. I don't know how many posts I have read about that. When those that should be supporting us are not, God is there. He is always there. I want to share the link with you because Pastor Cecil has some really good things to say. Check out some of the old e-votionals from the last several months, they are really good! http://daily-e-votional.com/ I find myself wanting to repost a lot of them, so ya'll go check it out.

Haha! I just realized I had KISS on my playlist! Mark and I were looking through songs the other night and playlist was the easiest place to find what we were looking for and I guess that one accidentally got added to Tyler's playlist. Maybe he's trying to tell me he wants more rockin' music for him on here!

Puddles

I was laying in bed last night trying to figure out how to describe the down I've felt for the last few days. I know I'm not in the pit or in a hole - then the word "puddle" popped into my head. I have just been in a little puddle lately. As I was asking God to pull me up from my puddle, I remembered a little girl named Summer that I worked with while I was in college. She was 3 and had a seizure disorder. While she was playing outside, she had a seizure and fell face down in a little puddle and drowned. I realized that these little puddles can become very dangerous if I let myself stay in them too long.
I don't know why these little "aha" moments continue to surprise me. God is working in my life and guiding me through this healing process.

My Garden

I have decided that this is my memory garden for Tyler. I know better than to try and plant a real garden, between my black thumb, the boys and the dogs I don't think a real one would last very long. I have spent the day here and added a playlist and links to my favorite poetry and scriptures that have helped me along the way. I feel so much better and I am ready for tomorrow.
I can't believe all of this stuff that I have learned how to do! For those of you that don't "know" me, I can barely attach a picture to an email! This has really been a stretch for me and a lesson in patience and persistence.

Blah

A friend of mine texted me today and let me know she is having a girl. She doesn't know about Tyler so she's been keeping us updated on her pregnancy and sending belly pictures every couple of weeks. They haven't bothered me too bad, but I knew it would be harder when she got around the time that I was when we lost Tyler. Her text sent so many different emotions through me - I am so happy that everything is ok, I'm happy that I can shop for a girl, but it also makes it hit home that I'm not ever going to have Tyler. That's a reality that I'm not sure has sunk in yet. I also think about how happy we should have been after that sonogram and instead it was the worst day of my life. This is the biggest low I have had in a long time.
AND, we saw some friends of Mark's tonight. His wife asked me if we were going to try again. Why do people think that's an appropriate question to ask? I appreciate her acknowledging our loss, but I would much prefer a "I'm sorry for your loss" or questions about what happened. I don't know if we are going to try again! As much as I want to have another baby, I'm not sure I want my heart to be ripped out again. Then she asked if it was twins because her sister-in-law lost twins twice and then finally had a little girl. I'm sorry, I don't really care. Man I sound like a witch - I guess she just caught me on the wrong day. But I really am tired of people asking if we are going to try again.
Today has helped me realize that this blog is one thing that helps me feel close to Tyler. When I was thinking about all of this before I got home, I just wanted to come sit down and type it all out here. I find comfort that this is the place that I can come and think about him. This is the only link to him that I have.
I hope the "fine" me will be back tomorrow!

Kids in Texas

I don't know if ya'll know about the horrible ritual that mother's in Texas subject their kids to year after year - the pictures in the bluebonnets! I think Danner looks like I did in most of my bluebonnet pictures while I was growing up. I hated it! And yet, I am passing the torture down to my kids like I swore I never would. I hope they pass the misery ( I mean memories) on to their kids.

Missing Tyler

We were all sitting at lunch yesterday and it hit me - I miss Tyler. I should have one more boy at the table. I can't really figure out why it hit me like that though. He shouldn't have been here yet, how can I miss something I didn't "have"? It was just a strange feeling. I cried last night, then I realized that it must be PMS. I have been doing really good, but I guess the hormones just bring it up to the surface. It's been almost 3 months, and I've heard that it can be a tough bump in the road. I hope it's an easy bump. The 3 month mark will be right around Mother's Day, but we'll be at Disneyland so hopefully it won't be too bad!

Ooops!

No earth-shattering revelations today. I have realized that I have nothing to wear! I had a wedding shower to go to today and I knew what I was going to wear until I went in the closet this morning and it was gone! I had forgotten that when I was pregnant, I felt so fat that I cleaned out my closet and threw a ton of stuff out that I was convinced I would never fit into again. Now, here I am with nothing to wear.
See, I told you it was nothing earth shattering!

Grace

Last weekend, I saw the new babies in our family for the first time. 2 of our cousins had babies after Tyler was born (one was born the next day!). I was really worried about how hard it would be for me to see and hold them, but when I saw them, held them and looked at their sweet faces, I felt nothing but joy, happiness, and thanks for them. It was not at all like I was expecting it to be!
The next night, Donna talked me in to going to the mall with her and Kala to get Kala's glasses fixed. When I got in the backseat of her car, I sat on a box of cd's, and being nosy like I am, I picked them up to see what she had. It was a set on Grace from Duane Sheriff - a pastor in Ok who is really good. I told her I needed to hear that so she let me borrow them. It is so funny how God brings you the things you want to hear. It has really opened my eyes to the things God is doing for me. A friend just blogged about grace and I see that my e-votional for tomorrow is about grace!
Grace is the ability that God gives us to do or be what we cannot do with our own human ability. God's grace is what allowed me to feel love and not pain when I saw Lily and Molly. God's grace has given me this strange sense of peace and acceptance I have had about losing Tyler. I have lost count of the weeks and Thursdays and Mondays have passed without me noticing - and I am ok with all of that!
2 Corinthians 12:9 Jesus told Paul "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." I have read and heard this a million times and it's nothing I really stopped to understand. When we are weak, we don't have our own power to overcome. God's grace gives us the perfect strength to overcome our weakness. Our weakness can be grief, doubt, sin, or even our struggles to be a godly wife and mother. I know that this peace and motivation I have had has been from God. There is no other explanation for why I have scrubbed the grout in the bathroom floor, painted the boys' room, bought and assmbled their bunkbeds and cooked dinner just this week. I asked God for the grace to be a better wife and mother because I don't do a very good job of it on my own. Now I understand about feeling joy in suffering - it makes me thing of the poem "Footprints in the Sand". I know that God is carrying me through this.
I am not one to talk about God, I actually had lost touch with him for a long time. I think that is why this is so exciting for me to see him working in this situation and I just want to share it with everyone. 1 Corinthians 15:10 "But by the grace of God I am what I am . . .yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me."
Thank you God for your amazing grace, for blessing me with Tyler, and for easing the pain of his loss.

Sunshine

The sun is shining in my heart today and I am feeling it's warmth. I can't describe the feeling, but everything is right in my world today. It's more than just peace, it's sunny. This verse has been on my heart today Song of Solomon 2:11 "See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone." The clouds and storms may pass over me again, but for now they are over and gone and I am so thankful for that!

Thank you God

Sunday, I read the stories of 2 precious babies; Ethan lost his battle with cancer, and his friend Sully is fighting for his life. Their parents have been so strong and faithful through their trials and as much as their lives and struggles have been a blessing to their families, all I could think is "thank you God that Tyler didn't have to suffer through anything like that" I know that God is at work in their lives and their families are thankful to have had them even for a short time and I don't want to take anything away from that, but I am so so thankful that Tyler is in heaven and not suffering here on this earth. Thank you God and bless Ethan and give comfort and healing to Sully if it's your will.