Blah

A friend of mine texted me today and let me know she is having a girl. She doesn't know about Tyler so she's been keeping us updated on her pregnancy and sending belly pictures every couple of weeks. They haven't bothered me too bad, but I knew it would be harder when she got around the time that I was when we lost Tyler. Her text sent so many different emotions through me - I am so happy that everything is ok, I'm happy that I can shop for a girl, but it also makes it hit home that I'm not ever going to have Tyler. That's a reality that I'm not sure has sunk in yet. I also think about how happy we should have been after that sonogram and instead it was the worst day of my life. This is the biggest low I have had in a long time.
AND, we saw some friends of Mark's tonight. His wife asked me if we were going to try again. Why do people think that's an appropriate question to ask? I appreciate her acknowledging our loss, but I would much prefer a "I'm sorry for your loss" or questions about what happened. I don't know if we are going to try again! As much as I want to have another baby, I'm not sure I want my heart to be ripped out again. Then she asked if it was twins because her sister-in-law lost twins twice and then finally had a little girl. I'm sorry, I don't really care. Man I sound like a witch - I guess she just caught me on the wrong day. But I really am tired of people asking if we are going to try again.
Today has helped me realize that this blog is one thing that helps me feel close to Tyler. When I was thinking about all of this before I got home, I just wanted to come sit down and type it all out here. I find comfort that this is the place that I can come and think about him. This is the only link to him that I have.
I hope the "fine" me will be back tomorrow!

Kids in Texas

I don't know if ya'll know about the horrible ritual that mother's in Texas subject their kids to year after year - the pictures in the bluebonnets! I think Danner looks like I did in most of my bluebonnet pictures while I was growing up. I hated it! And yet, I am passing the torture down to my kids like I swore I never would. I hope they pass the misery ( I mean memories) on to their kids.

Missing Tyler

We were all sitting at lunch yesterday and it hit me - I miss Tyler. I should have one more boy at the table. I can't really figure out why it hit me like that though. He shouldn't have been here yet, how can I miss something I didn't "have"? It was just a strange feeling. I cried last night, then I realized that it must be PMS. I have been doing really good, but I guess the hormones just bring it up to the surface. It's been almost 3 months, and I've heard that it can be a tough bump in the road. I hope it's an easy bump. The 3 month mark will be right around Mother's Day, but we'll be at Disneyland so hopefully it won't be too bad!

Ooops!

No earth-shattering revelations today. I have realized that I have nothing to wear! I had a wedding shower to go to today and I knew what I was going to wear until I went in the closet this morning and it was gone! I had forgotten that when I was pregnant, I felt so fat that I cleaned out my closet and threw a ton of stuff out that I was convinced I would never fit into again. Now, here I am with nothing to wear.
See, I told you it was nothing earth shattering!

Grace

Last weekend, I saw the new babies in our family for the first time. 2 of our cousins had babies after Tyler was born (one was born the next day!). I was really worried about how hard it would be for me to see and hold them, but when I saw them, held them and looked at their sweet faces, I felt nothing but joy, happiness, and thanks for them. It was not at all like I was expecting it to be!
The next night, Donna talked me in to going to the mall with her and Kala to get Kala's glasses fixed. When I got in the backseat of her car, I sat on a box of cd's, and being nosy like I am, I picked them up to see what she had. It was a set on Grace from Duane Sheriff - a pastor in Ok who is really good. I told her I needed to hear that so she let me borrow them. It is so funny how God brings you the things you want to hear. It has really opened my eyes to the things God is doing for me. A friend just blogged about grace and I see that my e-votional for tomorrow is about grace!
Grace is the ability that God gives us to do or be what we cannot do with our own human ability. God's grace is what allowed me to feel love and not pain when I saw Lily and Molly. God's grace has given me this strange sense of peace and acceptance I have had about losing Tyler. I have lost count of the weeks and Thursdays and Mondays have passed without me noticing - and I am ok with all of that!
2 Corinthians 12:9 Jesus told Paul "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." I have read and heard this a million times and it's nothing I really stopped to understand. When we are weak, we don't have our own power to overcome. God's grace gives us the perfect strength to overcome our weakness. Our weakness can be grief, doubt, sin, or even our struggles to be a godly wife and mother. I know that this peace and motivation I have had has been from God. There is no other explanation for why I have scrubbed the grout in the bathroom floor, painted the boys' room, bought and assmbled their bunkbeds and cooked dinner just this week. I asked God for the grace to be a better wife and mother because I don't do a very good job of it on my own. Now I understand about feeling joy in suffering - it makes me thing of the poem "Footprints in the Sand". I know that God is carrying me through this.
I am not one to talk about God, I actually had lost touch with him for a long time. I think that is why this is so exciting for me to see him working in this situation and I just want to share it with everyone. 1 Corinthians 15:10 "But by the grace of God I am what I am . . .yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me."
Thank you God for your amazing grace, for blessing me with Tyler, and for easing the pain of his loss.

Sunshine

The sun is shining in my heart today and I am feeling it's warmth. I can't describe the feeling, but everything is right in my world today. It's more than just peace, it's sunny. This verse has been on my heart today Song of Solomon 2:11 "See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone." The clouds and storms may pass over me again, but for now they are over and gone and I am so thankful for that!

Thank you God

Sunday, I read the stories of 2 precious babies; Ethan lost his battle with cancer, and his friend Sully is fighting for his life. Their parents have been so strong and faithful through their trials and as much as their lives and struggles have been a blessing to their families, all I could think is "thank you God that Tyler didn't have to suffer through anything like that" I know that God is at work in their lives and their families are thankful to have had them even for a short time and I don't want to take anything away from that, but I am so so thankful that Tyler is in heaven and not suffering here on this earth. Thank you God and bless Ethan and give comfort and healing to Sully if it's your will.

The God of Hope

I have gone to church all my life and have been a Christian since I was in my early teens, but I am just now starting to understand what it means to have a relationship with God. I know all about grace, hope, mercy and all that stuff, but I didn't understand it because I had never felt it. God had to let me hang myself a few times when I was younger to get my attention and to get me to look back to Him for guidance, but I have never felt Him speak to me like he has through this journey of loss.
The whole time I was pg with Tyler, the verse from Romans 8:28 was always in my mind: "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to his purpose." I just thought it was about the baby being a boy or a girl and that God knew which one our family needed. Little did I know what was in store for us and that He was speaking to me and giving me a tool to make it through what was to come.
After Tyler died, I have had a lot of questions about God and His will for me. Did he cause this? Did Satan do it? Did he just set nature in motion and let it take it's course? If I want His will for me, why should I ask Him to bless me with another baby? If I ask, is that not being submissive to His will? When people die, I have never been one to ask "why?", I understand cancer and physical things happen to our bodies just as a part of life, but the death of an unborn baby makes no sense. Why does He allow this to happen?
I had prayed before this that God would bring our family closer together, is this a case of "be careful what you ask for, you just might get it?"
Psalm 37:4-5 says "Delight yourself also in the Lord, and he shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." At first, I thought I could just give it to God and he would give me my desire to have a healthy live baby, but then I thought about the wonderful ladies who never get that even when they love God and believe in Him. What if it's His will for me not to have another?
God has spoken to me through a lot of you, and through a notebook I used to keep when I was younger with all the verses that somehow touched my heart and compelled me to write them down. I kept wanting to go talk to our Pastor so he could answer these questions for me, but it never worked out where I could. I realized today that this is something God wants me to study and find my own way, I feel like that is why he has blessed me with so many of you to help me discover the answers to my questions.
Here are my conclusions:
1. God knows what is best for us. He can see the "big" picture that I cannot see. As horrible as this has been, He may have saved us from something much worse. Good has come from this - my marriage has been blessed, we are closer than we have ever been, and I have an understanding of God and what it means to seek Him and trust in Him.
2. God tells us to ask for what we want. Phillipians 3:6-7 says " Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Jesus prayed before his death "Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours be done." I have chosen to ask God for the desires of my heart, but that I will accept His will
3. God did not DO this TO me.
4. God can take the most horrible pain and worst thing that can happen, and cause good things to come out of it
5. There are many things I still don't understand, but I do know that God knows what He is doing and I just have to trust Him. Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths"

I know this is long, but one reason I started this blog, is to talk about this journey God has lead me on. I was done journaling about the actual experience and thought I had nothing left to say, but He is speaking to me so clearly, through your words, songs on the radio, and His word that I had to write it all down. It's too much to keep in my mind. I promise my next posts won't be an entire novel!

With all that said, yes, I did find my joy. This song popped into my head today based on Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." As I trust in Him, God will filll me with joy and peace so much that it will overflow. How wonderful that is!

"Normal"

I read this on one of the Babycenter threads, and it really spoke to me:

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age they would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my babies.

Normal is making sure that others remember them.

Normal is that everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have 1 child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

I've lost my joy - have you seen it?

I thought that last (week 4) post would be the end of my journal. Things were getting better and I thought I was getting through this. I don't know how to describe the feeling I'm having right now - I'm not sad, angry, or questioning anymore. I am at peace. I feel pretty normal while I'm out and about, but when I get home, I feel blah. I don't want to get up in the morning, I don't want to do laundry, cook, clean or anything else. I still do what has to be done for my family, but I would rather sit here and do nothing. I guess these are all the things I've been forcing myself to do for the last 2 months so I don't get why I've lost my motivation all of the sudden. God keeps putting songs about joy in my heart, so I've figured out that my joy is lost.
"I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart" and "j-o-y down in my heart, deep deep down in my heart" It must be hiding way down in there somewhere!