Comfort

I wanted to share this amazing picture my mom painted of the boys! She even carved a little "T" in the tree for Tyler. It is such a special gift, and I wanted to share it with everyone!

I haven't posted in awhile, so I have a lot to add. At church last Sunday, the preacher preached on 1 Peter 5:6-10

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care on Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered awhile, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you."

This wasn't really written in the context of a loss, but it still struck me. God will lift me up in due time and will carry my burden if I give it to him. The devil is stalking, looking for a weakness to attack in us. We have to be on the lookout for him and resist him. I am not the only one suffering with this in the world - I am not alone. After I have suffered, He will perfect, establish, strengthen and settle me. Isn't that great?!!

And this was the e-votional from yesterday -

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort over flows.”

This is why I share my journey - and I want to give God the praise and credit for what he is doing in my life! Thank you so much to everyone who reads, comments, and emails encouraging words, they really mean a lot!

Welcome to Holland

As a special ed teacher, I have seen this poem a million times related to having a child with special needs. Until Hillary posted it today, I hadn't even thought of it in the context of losing a child, but it applies there too.

Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience, to help others understand it, to imagine how it would feel. Well, it’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks, and you make your make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, Michelangelo’s David, the gondolas in Venice. You may even learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags, and off you go. Several hours later, the plane is preparing to land. And as the plane is landing, the pilot makes an announcement: “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland ?!?!” you say. “What do you mean, Holland? I signed up to go to Italy! All of my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy!”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve taken you to Holland, and there you must stay. The important thing, however, is that haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would have never met.

It’s really just a difference place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there been a while, you’ll catch your breath. And then you’ll look around and notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy going to and from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful place it is. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. Italy is what I had planned.”

The pain of that will never, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special and very lovely things about Holland.


Rocky Mountain News, October 29, 1990

Moving On

I have finally lost count of the weeks that Tyler has been gone and of how many weeks pregnant that I should be. Not to say that on my bad days I don't get out the calendar and count, but it's not a daily thought anymore. Thursdays and Mondays are just average days in the week - They pass without me noticing. I always wondered when this day would come. It didn't happen without a conscious effort. I have worked really hard and prayed often to heal my heart and try to move forward. It hasn't been easy and I know that it won't be easy for a long time, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel! One thing that has helped is that I now start my day with God (thanks for the idea Jenny) and my daily e-votional (thanks again Kristi!) It has really been uplifting for me to start my days in the right frame of mind. Today this is a quote from Pastor Cecil:
"It was a time in David’s life when he was betrayed and abandoned. Those that could have been, and should have been, supporting him had abandoned him. But there was One who was always there, and David placed his trust in Him. He took his refuge in the Rock that cannot be shaken."

He is talking about Psalm 31:1-3 and taking refuge in God. This statement struck me, because so often when dealing with a miscarriage, there are those people who aren't there for us that we think should be. I don't know how many posts I have read about that. When those that should be supporting us are not, God is there. He is always there. I want to share the link with you because Pastor Cecil has some really good things to say. Check out some of the old e-votionals from the last several months, they are really good! http://daily-e-votional.com/ I find myself wanting to repost a lot of them, so ya'll go check it out.

Haha! I just realized I had KISS on my playlist! Mark and I were looking through songs the other night and playlist was the easiest place to find what we were looking for and I guess that one accidentally got added to Tyler's playlist. Maybe he's trying to tell me he wants more rockin' music for him on here!

Puddles

I was laying in bed last night trying to figure out how to describe the down I've felt for the last few days. I know I'm not in the pit or in a hole - then the word "puddle" popped into my head. I have just been in a little puddle lately. As I was asking God to pull me up from my puddle, I remembered a little girl named Summer that I worked with while I was in college. She was 3 and had a seizure disorder. While she was playing outside, she had a seizure and fell face down in a little puddle and drowned. I realized that these little puddles can become very dangerous if I let myself stay in them too long.
I don't know why these little "aha" moments continue to surprise me. God is working in my life and guiding me through this healing process.

My Garden

I have decided that this is my memory garden for Tyler. I know better than to try and plant a real garden, between my black thumb, the boys and the dogs I don't think a real one would last very long. I have spent the day here and added a playlist and links to my favorite poetry and scriptures that have helped me along the way. I feel so much better and I am ready for tomorrow.
I can't believe all of this stuff that I have learned how to do! For those of you that don't "know" me, I can barely attach a picture to an email! This has really been a stretch for me and a lesson in patience and persistence.

Blah

A friend of mine texted me today and let me know she is having a girl. She doesn't know about Tyler so she's been keeping us updated on her pregnancy and sending belly pictures every couple of weeks. They haven't bothered me too bad, but I knew it would be harder when she got around the time that I was when we lost Tyler. Her text sent so many different emotions through me - I am so happy that everything is ok, I'm happy that I can shop for a girl, but it also makes it hit home that I'm not ever going to have Tyler. That's a reality that I'm not sure has sunk in yet. I also think about how happy we should have been after that sonogram and instead it was the worst day of my life. This is the biggest low I have had in a long time.
AND, we saw some friends of Mark's tonight. His wife asked me if we were going to try again. Why do people think that's an appropriate question to ask? I appreciate her acknowledging our loss, but I would much prefer a "I'm sorry for your loss" or questions about what happened. I don't know if we are going to try again! As much as I want to have another baby, I'm not sure I want my heart to be ripped out again. Then she asked if it was twins because her sister-in-law lost twins twice and then finally had a little girl. I'm sorry, I don't really care. Man I sound like a witch - I guess she just caught me on the wrong day. But I really am tired of people asking if we are going to try again.
Today has helped me realize that this blog is one thing that helps me feel close to Tyler. When I was thinking about all of this before I got home, I just wanted to come sit down and type it all out here. I find comfort that this is the place that I can come and think about him. This is the only link to him that I have.
I hope the "fine" me will be back tomorrow!

Kids in Texas

I don't know if ya'll know about the horrible ritual that mother's in Texas subject their kids to year after year - the pictures in the bluebonnets! I think Danner looks like I did in most of my bluebonnet pictures while I was growing up. I hated it! And yet, I am passing the torture down to my kids like I swore I never would. I hope they pass the misery ( I mean memories) on to their kids.

Missing Tyler

We were all sitting at lunch yesterday and it hit me - I miss Tyler. I should have one more boy at the table. I can't really figure out why it hit me like that though. He shouldn't have been here yet, how can I miss something I didn't "have"? It was just a strange feeling. I cried last night, then I realized that it must be PMS. I have been doing really good, but I guess the hormones just bring it up to the surface. It's been almost 3 months, and I've heard that it can be a tough bump in the road. I hope it's an easy bump. The 3 month mark will be right around Mother's Day, but we'll be at Disneyland so hopefully it won't be too bad!

Ooops!

No earth-shattering revelations today. I have realized that I have nothing to wear! I had a wedding shower to go to today and I knew what I was going to wear until I went in the closet this morning and it was gone! I had forgotten that when I was pregnant, I felt so fat that I cleaned out my closet and threw a ton of stuff out that I was convinced I would never fit into again. Now, here I am with nothing to wear.
See, I told you it was nothing earth shattering!

Grace

Last weekend, I saw the new babies in our family for the first time. 2 of our cousins had babies after Tyler was born (one was born the next day!). I was really worried about how hard it would be for me to see and hold them, but when I saw them, held them and looked at their sweet faces, I felt nothing but joy, happiness, and thanks for them. It was not at all like I was expecting it to be!
The next night, Donna talked me in to going to the mall with her and Kala to get Kala's glasses fixed. When I got in the backseat of her car, I sat on a box of cd's, and being nosy like I am, I picked them up to see what she had. It was a set on Grace from Duane Sheriff - a pastor in Ok who is really good. I told her I needed to hear that so she let me borrow them. It is so funny how God brings you the things you want to hear. It has really opened my eyes to the things God is doing for me. A friend just blogged about grace and I see that my e-votional for tomorrow is about grace!
Grace is the ability that God gives us to do or be what we cannot do with our own human ability. God's grace is what allowed me to feel love and not pain when I saw Lily and Molly. God's grace has given me this strange sense of peace and acceptance I have had about losing Tyler. I have lost count of the weeks and Thursdays and Mondays have passed without me noticing - and I am ok with all of that!
2 Corinthians 12:9 Jesus told Paul "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." I have read and heard this a million times and it's nothing I really stopped to understand. When we are weak, we don't have our own power to overcome. God's grace gives us the perfect strength to overcome our weakness. Our weakness can be grief, doubt, sin, or even our struggles to be a godly wife and mother. I know that this peace and motivation I have had has been from God. There is no other explanation for why I have scrubbed the grout in the bathroom floor, painted the boys' room, bought and assmbled their bunkbeds and cooked dinner just this week. I asked God for the grace to be a better wife and mother because I don't do a very good job of it on my own. Now I understand about feeling joy in suffering - it makes me thing of the poem "Footprints in the Sand". I know that God is carrying me through this.
I am not one to talk about God, I actually had lost touch with him for a long time. I think that is why this is so exciting for me to see him working in this situation and I just want to share it with everyone. 1 Corinthians 15:10 "But by the grace of God I am what I am . . .yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me."
Thank you God for your amazing grace, for blessing me with Tyler, and for easing the pain of his loss.