I just realized that if Tyler had lived, his first birthday would have been somewhere around now. That's a very disconcerting thought now that Gunner is here because if Tyler were here, he wouldn't be. That overlap is hard - I love them both so much. It's so easy to get sucked into the "what ifs" - What if Tyler had lived? What if I had to choose between them? Well, he didn't and I don't. I can miss Tyler and love Gunner and shouldn't feel bad about it. This is the way it turned out, the way God planned it. Maybe that will sink in eventually, but for now I sit here and hold one baby that I have been so incredibly blessed with and am completely in love with while missing another one I love just as much and feel a little guilty (?) about both

Vent on a totally unrelated topic

Ok I'm pissed - really pissed. Well, that's not really the right word and I don't know what is. I'm sure that most of you DeadBabyMamas know exactly what I'm going to talk about, but I'm not mentioning the name because I don't want to get dragged into the drama.
I was one of the suckers that got sucked into a blog s.c.a.m. She was supposedly due the day after I was so I felt a connection to her that her life as she knew it was ending and the same time I felt mine was restarting. It was all a bunch of crap. She cruised blogs trying to recruit readers in order to increase blog traffic and as a result lots of money from her own blog. It seems like she was really paying attention to all the loss blogs because she knew exactly what to say in hers. I never doubted for a minute that it was real until it all stopped (I told you I was a sucker - big time). I even emailed her at one point to share some thoughts and scripture with her. I can't believe someone would use God in a way like that. She's got to be really sick to do something that brazen. It's just disgusting that she had thousands of people all over the world praying for her dying baby and it was all just a game.
I know my prayers weren't wasted though b/c in all my newfound "prayer wisdom" ;) I was praying for God's will to be done in this situation and I truly believe it will be. If I were her, I'd start trying to get right with Him now b/c she's in big trouble.
I just cannot believe someone would act like a Christian and talk all the talk as part of a scam. I feel horrible for everyone like me who let her in through that crack in their hearts, especially for her poor friend that she just royally screwed. They all still need prayers and I'm going to do it but it is so hard. Sick. Disgusting. Twisted. I really hope that she doesn't ever have to feel 1/2 the pain she was faking (ok, well maybe honestly sometimes I do)

And I won't even start on the poor girl who lashed out at those of us who have other children. It doesn't matter if you have 0 kids or 150, the pain of losing them is just the same and if you have 0 or 150, every situation is unique and has it's own pain. None better, none worse. There is no optimal dead baby situation. I know she was hurting and that's why she said it and that's why I'm venting her and not at her

Ugh.

Sweet Boys

While we were on our way home from school today Danner started talking about where he was when I told him Tyler was dead (he was way off, but anyway). Then they wanted to know how we knew he was dead and then Ranger said he was sad Tyler wasn't here. I told them I was too, but I am happy that we have Gunner. Danner said yeah "God sent him here fast so we could have a little brother since Tyler died and he knew we wanted a brother". I LOVE these moments with them!! We were also praying last night and I was thanking God for my 3 precious boys and Ranger corrected me and said 4. I really need to watch that because I don't want them to think that I have forgotten him.

Beautiful Song

Nicol Sponberg of the group Selah lost her son Luke to SIDS last year. She is singing a beautiful song on this video that I think will be on her solo album when it's released. Get the Kleenex, I promise you'll need it (especially if you look at the pictures and listen - I couldn't)
http://thelukesponbergfoundation.blogspot.com/2009/05/71-days.html

Came across this post today too - http://sufficientgrace-kelly.blogspot.com/2009/05/what-matters.html

One of these days when I can sleep and my brain is functioning, I may write my own post instead of stealing from everyone else! Oh well, it's good stuff anyway!

Rainbow wrapped in a rainbow. Just wanted to share this picture of Gunner wrapped in his special rainbow blanket. Thank you K, I can't think of a more perfect gift!

Here are a few things that seem to put words with how I'm feeling right now. This is a Martina McBride song that I've heard a million times and I guess the words just now caught me:

"God is great, but life ain't always good. Sometimes when I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should, but I do it anyway"

This is a quote my mom just gave me from her Beth Moore study Living Beyond Yourself " . . . their son was not theirs to keep, but the cherished things God revealed to them through his life and death belong to them forever" That is so true for me.

This is a tile I had made at http://www.engravedeuniques.com/ Kaye was absolutely wonderful to deal with. I saw the idea on Stellan's name gallery and she changed it to Tyler's name. The verse is from Psalm 139:16 and I cannot tell you how special this is to me. Please feel free to copy it and order one if you like it. She can do any kind of custom order, I just emailed her and told her what I wanted and had it within a few days!
I have so many thoughts running through my head, but don't have the time and frankly, am too exhausted to think to much or deep enough to make a coherent post about it. I'm realizing that being pregnant was a lot more mentally and emotionally draining that I had realized. I'm doing fine and am actually more content than I can ever remember feeling - I'm just really. really. tired. really. Hopefully this weekend I will be able to get on my family blog and update more about Gunner so check it out. (I painted his walls GREEN! ;)

Scattered Thoughts

The first week with Gunner was amazing! Despite his problems with jaundice and needing to be under the lights and make a few early morning Dr visits, I have loved every minute with him. I cannot tell you how great it felt to leave the hospital with a baby instead of just a box. It makes all the struggles of the last 18 months not seem as dark anymore and it feels like life has started moving again (or really that I have started moving with life again).

Now, though, fear has started creeping in again. This all seems so surreal and it scares me that something could still happen to Gunner - not that it's likely or really even in my control. He's not sleeping well at night so the other night I put him down on his tummy and almost had an anxiety attack. I just couldn't do it. The good thing is that I'm not taking anything for granted - I can't look at him or hold him enough, and no wishing away the sleepless nights and tummy aches. For the first time in my life I am content in the moment

I was holding Gunner the other day and Danner said "he reminds me of someone very special we lost" I asked who and he said Tyler. Every one in awhile they will ask if I think Tyler would have looked like him or if he would have made that face or noise. It really amazes me how much they love the brother that they never got to meet.

I've been working on this post for almost 2 weeks and it just keeps getting more random as I hear and read things I want to add. I'm going to quit trying to find the time to really sit down and get some thoughts out b/c I don't think that is going to happen any time soon. Here are a few blog posts that really have touched me recently.

"The Lord makes each of our children just as He sees fit. Some have red hair, some blonde, some have blue eyes and some brown, some have hot tempers, while others are mild mannered. Some have developmental delays, and some have physical impairments. Some are meant to stay for a long time, and others only a moment. He trusts these children, His children to us as gifts. They are not ours, but His and they each bless us in a different way and take up residence in a different part of our hearts we never knew existed. Even the children who are only with us briefly bless us with immense gifts that will never be erased or forgotten. One doesn't replace another and each one is as valuable as the next. I have been blessed FIVE times. I am still trying to wrap my mind around that and find contentment with the blessings He has bestowed upon me even when there is pain intertwined with the joy. I am learning that feeling joy for the NEW thing the Lord is doing in my life does not replace the loss that I feel daily." - http://babybolte.blogspot.com/2009/05/struggle-with-contentment.html

Gunner is here!!

Ok, sorry everyone - I thought I posted here, but I accidentally posted it on my other blog! I have no idea how to cut and paste, so I'll just give you the link! http://shipmankids.blogspot.com/2009/04/gunner-don-shipman_29.html

More about Prayer

McMama posted this about prayer today and it was too good not to share (isn't it amazing how God works?!)

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/04/why-bother-praying.html

Prayer

I have really been wrestling with prayer lately and exactly how and why we are supposed to pray. I mean, why do we pray and ask for our will when it's His will that will be done? Kind of like my kids can ask me all they want to have brownies for breakfast, they can cry and beg and plead and no way is it ever going to happen.
I've come to realize that my prayers to God have turned into a drive-through window where I place my order with him. Please do this, please do that, help me, give me etc. I think I've been missing the "with thanksgiving" and "humble" parts.
There are so many things that I am praying for right now - for my will to be done in certain situations. It's easy to change my prayers for others - ok God your will be done FOR THEM, but do my stuff my way please.
What happened to ask and you shall receive and all that good stuff? ----

This post has been stuck in "draft" mode for awhile too because I've just been kind of stuck in this area. K posted something on her blog that points out that this may not necessarily mean everything my flesh wants - it the desires of a clean, pure heart that desires God's will. Hmmm
I had a group of friends in college that we all went to church and hung out together all the time. We would all pile in the car after church discussing where we should eat for lunch. We would decide we wanted Black Eyed Pea. Well, the driver would just drive right past and when we complained, would just say "I have a better plan" and proceed to go wherever he wanted! It was so irritating!! Just today, I remembered that and it made me think of God. I can tell Him all I want that I want to eat Black Eyed Pea, but He is driving and He may have a better plan. To be honest, in the end, we always were fed, had a good time and no one was permanently damaged from not getting to pick the lunch place and there were times when we actually went to the place we wanted to go. God is the same way - He has a plan and a will that is perfect even when we may not see it the same way. What does that have to do with prayer? Well, I've realized that praying isn't like giving my wish list to God or placing my order (He knows all of it anyway), but also praying for the ability to accept His will in any situation and for peace and understanding. I don't think He minds us asking for help. There are many times that I can look back on, especially in the last 14 months and see that even though my prayers weren't specifically answered, He did have a better plan and I am so glad that He's in the driver's seat.

Fully Relying on God

My mom sent me an email about this article awhile back - I started a post on it and it has just kind of been stuck in "draft" mode. This article is an interview with a guy whose daughter was shot in a church shooting in Ft Worth several years ago. He had a couple of very interesting quotes

http://www.gosanangelo.com/news/2009/mar/21/terry-mattingly/

This kind of tragedy, said Meredith, is not "something you get over with three points and a poem," a dose of scripture, a verse of "Victory in Jesus" and a proclamation that, "Everything's fine. Let's move on."

"Every day with Jesus is not sweeter than the day before," said Meredith, in a sermon that swung from tears to gospel singing to laughter. "Some days are evil. In fact, the Bible says, 'Stand that you might be able to stand in the evil day.'

"People are going to ask, 'When are you going to get over this?' You're never going to get over this, but by God's grace you're going to get through it. And God will give you joy and peace in the midst of it, in the midst of the tears and the heartache. Have you learned that? You are learning it. It's the praise you give with a broken heart that is the greatest sacrifice you can offer God."

Back in 1999, he said: "If God really loves us, if God is all powerful, why in the world did he let this happen? Why does God allow evil to seemingly abound in this world? Why Columbine? ... Why do a million and a half unborn babies have their lives snuffed out before they have a chance to breathe a breath? Why do children die of hunger daily around the world? Why is there pain? Why is there suffering? Why is there mental illness? ... The question is, 'Where is God when we hurt?'"
The reality is that there is no way to avoid suffering. Thus, the crucial test is whether believers can face trials and tribulations without sliding in despair.

"God never promised us a life without trials. As Americans, we want a carefree and happy life. We think that's God's will for our lives. Get a clue. God's will for your life is to make you into the image of his Son, and that only happens through the heartaches and trials of life."

I don't really have anything else to add except a verse that I read this morning (what a coincidence?) Mark 9:49 "For everyone will be seasoned with fire . . ." The Nelson Study Bible says this about the verse "refers to the trials and judgments that all will face - believers with trials that purify faith"
Thanks Mom!