Scattered Thoughts

The first week with Gunner was amazing! Despite his problems with jaundice and needing to be under the lights and make a few early morning Dr visits, I have loved every minute with him. I cannot tell you how great it felt to leave the hospital with a baby instead of just a box. It makes all the struggles of the last 18 months not seem as dark anymore and it feels like life has started moving again (or really that I have started moving with life again).

Now, though, fear has started creeping in again. This all seems so surreal and it scares me that something could still happen to Gunner - not that it's likely or really even in my control. He's not sleeping well at night so the other night I put him down on his tummy and almost had an anxiety attack. I just couldn't do it. The good thing is that I'm not taking anything for granted - I can't look at him or hold him enough, and no wishing away the sleepless nights and tummy aches. For the first time in my life I am content in the moment

I was holding Gunner the other day and Danner said "he reminds me of someone very special we lost" I asked who and he said Tyler. Every one in awhile they will ask if I think Tyler would have looked like him or if he would have made that face or noise. It really amazes me how much they love the brother that they never got to meet.

I've been working on this post for almost 2 weeks and it just keeps getting more random as I hear and read things I want to add. I'm going to quit trying to find the time to really sit down and get some thoughts out b/c I don't think that is going to happen any time soon. Here are a few blog posts that really have touched me recently.

"The Lord makes each of our children just as He sees fit. Some have red hair, some blonde, some have blue eyes and some brown, some have hot tempers, while others are mild mannered. Some have developmental delays, and some have physical impairments. Some are meant to stay for a long time, and others only a moment. He trusts these children, His children to us as gifts. They are not ours, but His and they each bless us in a different way and take up residence in a different part of our hearts we never knew existed. Even the children who are only with us briefly bless us with immense gifts that will never be erased or forgotten. One doesn't replace another and each one is as valuable as the next. I have been blessed FIVE times. I am still trying to wrap my mind around that and find contentment with the blessings He has bestowed upon me even when there is pain intertwined with the joy. I am learning that feeling joy for the NEW thing the Lord is doing in my life does not replace the loss that I feel daily." - http://babybolte.blogspot.com/2009/05/struggle-with-contentment.html

Gunner is here!!

Ok, sorry everyone - I thought I posted here, but I accidentally posted it on my other blog! I have no idea how to cut and paste, so I'll just give you the link! http://shipmankids.blogspot.com/2009/04/gunner-don-shipman_29.html

More about Prayer

McMama posted this about prayer today and it was too good not to share (isn't it amazing how God works?!)

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/04/why-bother-praying.html

Prayer

I have really been wrestling with prayer lately and exactly how and why we are supposed to pray. I mean, why do we pray and ask for our will when it's His will that will be done? Kind of like my kids can ask me all they want to have brownies for breakfast, they can cry and beg and plead and no way is it ever going to happen.
I've come to realize that my prayers to God have turned into a drive-through window where I place my order with him. Please do this, please do that, help me, give me etc. I think I've been missing the "with thanksgiving" and "humble" parts.
There are so many things that I am praying for right now - for my will to be done in certain situations. It's easy to change my prayers for others - ok God your will be done FOR THEM, but do my stuff my way please.
What happened to ask and you shall receive and all that good stuff? ----

This post has been stuck in "draft" mode for awhile too because I've just been kind of stuck in this area. K posted something on her blog that points out that this may not necessarily mean everything my flesh wants - it the desires of a clean, pure heart that desires God's will. Hmmm
I had a group of friends in college that we all went to church and hung out together all the time. We would all pile in the car after church discussing where we should eat for lunch. We would decide we wanted Black Eyed Pea. Well, the driver would just drive right past and when we complained, would just say "I have a better plan" and proceed to go wherever he wanted! It was so irritating!! Just today, I remembered that and it made me think of God. I can tell Him all I want that I want to eat Black Eyed Pea, but He is driving and He may have a better plan. To be honest, in the end, we always were fed, had a good time and no one was permanently damaged from not getting to pick the lunch place and there were times when we actually went to the place we wanted to go. God is the same way - He has a plan and a will that is perfect even when we may not see it the same way. What does that have to do with prayer? Well, I've realized that praying isn't like giving my wish list to God or placing my order (He knows all of it anyway), but also praying for the ability to accept His will in any situation and for peace and understanding. I don't think He minds us asking for help. There are many times that I can look back on, especially in the last 14 months and see that even though my prayers weren't specifically answered, He did have a better plan and I am so glad that He's in the driver's seat.

Fully Relying on God

My mom sent me an email about this article awhile back - I started a post on it and it has just kind of been stuck in "draft" mode. This article is an interview with a guy whose daughter was shot in a church shooting in Ft Worth several years ago. He had a couple of very interesting quotes

http://www.gosanangelo.com/news/2009/mar/21/terry-mattingly/

This kind of tragedy, said Meredith, is not "something you get over with three points and a poem," a dose of scripture, a verse of "Victory in Jesus" and a proclamation that, "Everything's fine. Let's move on."

"Every day with Jesus is not sweeter than the day before," said Meredith, in a sermon that swung from tears to gospel singing to laughter. "Some days are evil. In fact, the Bible says, 'Stand that you might be able to stand in the evil day.'

"People are going to ask, 'When are you going to get over this?' You're never going to get over this, but by God's grace you're going to get through it. And God will give you joy and peace in the midst of it, in the midst of the tears and the heartache. Have you learned that? You are learning it. It's the praise you give with a broken heart that is the greatest sacrifice you can offer God."

Back in 1999, he said: "If God really loves us, if God is all powerful, why in the world did he let this happen? Why does God allow evil to seemingly abound in this world? Why Columbine? ... Why do a million and a half unborn babies have their lives snuffed out before they have a chance to breathe a breath? Why do children die of hunger daily around the world? Why is there pain? Why is there suffering? Why is there mental illness? ... The question is, 'Where is God when we hurt?'"
The reality is that there is no way to avoid suffering. Thus, the crucial test is whether believers can face trials and tribulations without sliding in despair.

"God never promised us a life without trials. As Americans, we want a carefree and happy life. We think that's God's will for our lives. Get a clue. God's will for your life is to make you into the image of his Son, and that only happens through the heartaches and trials of life."

I don't really have anything else to add except a verse that I read this morning (what a coincidence?) Mark 9:49 "For everyone will be seasoned with fire . . ." The Nelson Study Bible says this about the verse "refers to the trials and judgments that all will face - believers with trials that purify faith"
Thanks Mom!

If you want me to

I just added a new song on my playlist - If You Want Me To by Ginny Owens. I was driving home tonight thinking about Stellan, another baby and my pregnancy and this song came on.
Here are the lyrics, but it's much better if you hear it (it's #1 on the playlist - you can fast forward to it, or click popout and scroll down)
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Chorus: Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone ya oh oh no
So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering
Your love put You through
And I go through the valley
If You want me to

Wow. I really need an attitude adjustment . . .

Miracles

A blog friend of mine wrote awhile back about not getting her miracle because her daughter died. I have a different view on that, but can't really put it into words. Like He usually does - He sends someone else that puts my thoughts into words. Please read these 2 posts about praying to God, trusting in His will and miracles
http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/03/to-him-be-glory.html She got her "miracle" and her baby survived, but is now seriously ill again.

http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2009/03/miracle.html She lost her daughter almost 1 year ago. Her journey is an amazing story of faith and Audrey is still her miracle even though she's not here.

Tyler was/is a miracle. It may not be the miracle I wanted, but it was the miracle that God wanted me to have and I thank Him for it.

I did it

I finished reading the entire Bible today. It's something I committed to do after Tyler died and I feel a real sense of accomplishment in getting it done. I don't know that I understand a whole lot more than I did before, but it's amazing at the way God spoke to me through His word. I don't know how many times I "just happened" to read a verse or passage that I really needed to hear that day. You should try it - it's a real committment, but such an amazing journey.

Ok, we are STILL at a total loss on a name! I've decided that I really don't like Gunner - in the last few weeks, I've seen 2 kids with that name and I really don't want him to end up being Gunner S. forever. I think I'm out on Kyler too - I like the idea of honoring Tyler, but Kyler was just too close. I don't want this baby to think he's a replacement and I'm scared of losing part of Tyler's memory with another name that close. I know that probably won't happen, but I just don't feel it. I have moved on to Keller, but Mark thinks it sounds too girly too. I need ideas and I'm ready to throw the whole -er thing out the window. I want something that's unique, but not too weird. His middle name will be Don so it has to go with that too. Something that starts with K would be nice since my name and my mom's start with K. My brain is fried - PLEASE give me some suggestions! (I don't care if you post anonymous, but you don't get to knock my names unless you give yours!! :)

Crib Pictures

The crib is up! (thanks Dad!) Thank you ebay for the great deal on the bedding! Nothing makes me happier than buying Pottery Barn stuff for dirt cheap!! I really feel ok now that it's up and today, I dug his clothes out of the bottom of my closet and moved them to his closet - baby steps, baby steps. I want to paint his room some cute color, but I am so scared of painting. It seems so permanent and I have problems with being undecisive. (Kristi, want to come on a TX vacation? haha)

Mark and I went and bought his carseat today. We bought the Chicco Keyfit - I really wanted a Graco and hated to spend the $$, but this one seems a little smaller and I think it will fit better in the car and it seems like everything Graco has out right now is really ugly. I'm not big on the 70's brown - Mark just says it's because I'm too old to be shopping for baby stuff! haha I hate to admit that he's right, I'd probably think it was a lot cuter if I was in my 20's!

My friend Sherri is throwing me a shower at the end of this month. I don't really want one, but these are all the friends that were with me when Tyler died and I think they need it as much as I do. Everyone there will know about Tyler and I think that will make me more comfortable about it - why? I don't know! I don't really want to go register though so I'm hoping she forgets about that part!

Being Thankful part 2

My cousin Donna sent me this excerpt from "In this Mountain" awhile back and it's taken me awhile to chew on it and process it. It's pretty powerful stuff. The book is based on a preacher and this is from a sermon that he preached -

"In Everything....Give Thanks!...
Generally, Christians understand that giving thanks is good and right.
Though we don't do it often enough, it's easy to have a grateful heart for food and shelter, love and hope, health and peace. But what about the hard stuff, the stuff that darkens your world and wounds you to the quick? Just what is this "everything" business?
It's the hook, It's the key. Everything is the word on which this whole powerful command from Paul to the thessalonians stands and has its being.
Please don't misunderstand, the word thanks is crucial. But a deeper spiritual truth, I believe lies in giving thanks in ...everything!
In loss of all kinds. In illness. In depression. In grief. In failure. And, of course, in health and peace, success and happiness. In everything.
There'll be times when you wonder how you can possibly thank Him for something that turns your life upside down. Let us, then, at times like these, give thanks on faith alone...obedient, trusting, hoping, believing.
Perhaps you remember the young boy that was kidnapped and beaten and thrown in prison, yet rose up as Joseph the King, ruler of nations, able to say to his brothers, with a spirit of forgiveness, 'You thought evil against me, but God meant it for good, that many lives might be spared'. Better still, remember our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who suffered agonies we can't begin to imagine, fulfilling God's will that you and I might have everlasting life.
Some of us have been in trying circumstances these last months, unsettling, unremitting, even we sometimes think, unbearable. Dear God, we pray, stop this! Fix that! Bless us - and step on it!
I admit to you that although I often thank God for my blessings, even the smallest, I haven't thanked Him for my afflictions.
I know the 5th chapter of Thessalonians pretty well, yet it just hadn't occurred to me to actually take Him up on this notion. I've been too busy begging Him to lead me out of the valley and onto the mountaintop. After all, I have work to do, I have things to accomplish...
I want to tell you that I started thanking Him for something that grieves me deeply. And I'm committed to continue thanking Him in this hard thing no matter how desperate it might become and I'm going to begin looking for the good in it. Whether God caused it or permitted it, we can rest assured - there is great good in it.
Why have I decided to take these four words as a personal commission? Here's the entire 18th verse:
"In everything give thanks...for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."
His will concerning you. His will concerning me. This thing which I've taken as a commission intrigues me. I want to see where it goes, where it leads. I pray you will be called to do the same. Lets look once more at the four words God is saying to us...by looking at what our obedience to them will say to God.
Our obedience will say, "Father, I don't know why You're causing, or allowing this hard thing to happen, but I am going to give thanks in it because You ask me to. I'm going to trust You to have a purpose for it that I can't know and may never know. Bottom line, You're God, - and that's good enough for me." . . .
There are of course many more words in the first letter to the Thessalonians. Here are just a few:
Pray without ceasing.
Abstain from all appearance of evil.
Quench not the Spirit.
These words too contain holy counsel and absolute truth.....

I know I posted awhile back on 1 Thess 5:16-18:

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

This was just too good not to add and I wanted it here so I can always come back and read it. It also reminded me of Pastor Cecil's quote "God said it, I believe it, and that's good enough for me!"