Week 1

Day 1 Tuesday Feb 12
I spent a lot of time on the internet and emailing today. Reading everyone’s emails makes me feel a little better and it’s much easier than talking. They are also starting to talk about other things in them which is nice. A girl on the miscarriage board suggested journaling and hers was beautiful so here I am. I talked to mom and the boys, they are happy and having fun. She told me that yesterday was my Grandmommy’s birthday. I don’t know how that makes me feel. Just made my cry like everything else. She said Danner said Jesus is beating on his heart with a shovel
Today I am torn, my broken heart wants another baby. My mind and my body are saying no way it’s too dangerous and scary.
Mark took me to Grapevine to spend the night and out to eat. On they way, Kala texted me and told me Lyndi was having her baby right now. It just sucks. I was hoping that I was going to have a few more days before I had to deal with that. Then Donna sent me a picture. I was happy for a split second, then the tears flowed. It killed me to see her picture, but I’m kinda glad she sent it and I am so glad that Lyndi had a healthy baby. Mark said he was happy for them, but it sucks for us. That seems to be our theme lately.
We had a really good dinner and were able to talk a lot which was good. I didn’t even cry over dinner! Something mom said finally sunk in - this baby wasn’t “nothing” there are so many people that loved him and have been affected by the short time we had him.

Wednesday Feb 13 - Our 9th Anniversary
Mark was soo sick last night! I feel bad because I don’t feel like I’m taking very good care of him. We just got up and came home b/c he was feeling so bad. He sent me on an errand to the bank which kinda pissed me off, I just don’t think I can talk to anyone. But I decided that I needed to suck it up and do it and I’m glad I did. If I don’t force myself out of the hole, I’ll never get out of here. While I was out, I went to Target and bought Tyler a little bib. I feel horrible that I never bought him anything that was his. When I got home, it all hit me. It was the most horrible heavy empty sad feeling. I got on the internet for awhile, then just sat here in the dark and cried. When Mark got home, I started crying. I feel bad, I know at some point, he is going to get tired of my crying all the time. He brought me some goodies for our anniversary and lots of chocolate. That’s about all I’ve been eating. I’ve been eating the turtles all day that Julia brought by.

Thurs Feb 14th
Happy Freakin' Valentines Day. I did not want to get out of bed today. Craig was coming by to get my car to go pick up the boys so I had to get up and at least brush my teeth. Right now, I am sitting here numb. I need to quit living on the bulletin boards and try to function, I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to pick any of this mess up and I don’t want to do laundry. I feel so heavy. I hope that I can function when the boys get home later today.
I can’t believe how much better I felt as soon as the boys came in the house. Of course, Ranger puked all over the kitchen as soon as he walked in the door, but he was fine the rest of the night. They have brought joy and life back into the house. I don’t want to take them for granted anymore. We popped all the balloons Mark gave me and it was kinda fun! I felt really empty after they went to bed though.

Fri Feb 15th
Had to get up and take Ranger to school this morning. I didn’t want to look like crap, but I just hate that everyone that sees me thinks I’m ok. I want to tell them that I’m not but they wouldn’t understand. Karen hugged me at the car and I only teared up a little. The classroom was crazy when we got in there so it wasn’t too bad. Stupid me googled cord accidents when we got home. Some say that a cord acc. Is not the cause of death, that it occurs when something else causes it. One study also says that after a death after 10w, the chances of the next pg surviving are less than 25%. That makes me not want to try again, but we know so many that have experienced this and have gone on to have healthy babies. I don’t know what to think. Danner wrapped up a bunch of stuffed animals and told me they were my babies and he wanted to name 1 Tyler. I said we already had a baby Tyler and he said “Yeah but he’s dead”. He came in later and asked to see his blankie and footprints so we got the box out. We talked about how tiny he was and why we couldn’t take him out of my tummy before he was sick. Then a pizza roll commercial came on and he said “ooh I like those!” and was done. He asked to put the box up,I told him to be careful and he said yeah b/c it is really special.
I called Mark today to see if he could watch the boys tomorrow. I didn’t realize how far behind he was at work, I figured he was going all this time so hadn’t missed much. I didn’t really think about him being sick and upset and not accomplishing as much as normal. I felt bad about not thinking about him, I have been so wrapped up in me this whole time.
Stupid me googled again today. It says having a 2nd tri loss increases the chances your next pg will be lost too! But we know plenty of people who have gone on to have healthy babies! 3% of pg (25% of m/c) occur in the 2nd tri. After you’ve heard the hb, which we did twice, your m/c risk drops to 3-5%! One site said that cord accidents this early were usually caused by something else b/c the cord is made to fix itself. I wonder if Danner having a single umbilical artery and this one are related or indicative of another problem.
I think it is finally hit me today that there is nothing in my tummy and I really want to be pg again. How do I know that it’s because I want another baby and not just because I am heartbroken and want to replace Tyler? How on earth could I ever be calm and not worry every second if it was still alive?

Sat Feb 16th
Got up and took Ranger to his ball game this morning. Then, I went out to luch with a couple of friends. It went ok, I probably said a few things that shouldn’t be said over lunch but they asked. They are good friends and I know they love me anyway. I came home and just cratered. The heaviness and sadness took over and I just wanted to sit in the bottom of the shower and go to bed. I can’t get the picture of the u/s out of my head when I realized there was no h/b and I can’t get his little hand out of my head. Then I feel bad, b/c I feel like Mark is going to get sick of me crying and moping around the house pretty soon - not to mention the house is a nasty stinking mess, but I just can’t get up and do anything about it. Mark came in and laid down with me and him just being there helped so much. After a lot of sobbing and some time together, I felt like I would make it through it - at least the rest of the day

Sun Feb 17
We got up and went to church this morning - it wasn’t near as hard as I thought it would be, but I still cried most of the time.
I managed to go a whole day without getting on the internet and reading or getting on the bulletin boards. I would just sit all day and do it if I could, but I need to stop. It’s just so reassuring to know that everything I’m feeling is normal and I’m not the only one feeling that way. One girl said her Dr told her that a cord accident this early was a 1 in a million occurrence - there are 4 of us that have had them in the last few weeks.
I did go the whole day without a huge sobbing episode, but I still just feel sick and foggy.
Tonight is 1 week since Tyler was born. I hate the time ticking away, I feel like I am going off and leaving him on Feb 11, 2008. Pretty soon the time will be marked by weeks, then months . . ..

Mon Feb 18th
While we were eating bkfst this morning, Danner said Tyler could see us in our hearts and he believes us. I said yes he can. Then Danner asked what his voice sounded like, I told him I didn’t know I never got to hear it. He asked “why, was he asleep?”, “no baby, he died” “In your tummy?” “yes” “yuck”. Then he started singing the bumblebee song and went off to watch tv. I really like his thoughts on Tyler, they truly come from his heart!
It’s been a week today - I want nothing more than to crawl in bed and not get out, I didn’t even really want to get up and take Ranger to school. Danner and I went to WalMart and I was tired, but I didn’t cry! I have gone 2 days without completely sobbing so maybe I am finally starting to move on.