Week 3

Tues Feb 26
Had a followup appt with Dr Carrington this morning. He said that they weren’t able to grow any of his tissue b/c he had been gone so long. For some reason that really hurt even though that’s what we were expecting. He is fairly confident that it was just a cord accident. I wish I hadn’t googled b/c now I think there was more to it. Some moms online had autopsy’s but I’m trying really hard just to accept all this and quit questioning - even with not burying him. I know we made the right decision but it’s hard not to feel guilty for just letting the hospital "dispose" of him. He told us there was no rush to decide what we wanted to do next and was very understanding and encouraging. It was a lot more emotional than I thought it was going to be.

Wed Feb 27
Mark and I had a really good talk when we went to bed last night. I was able to get out a lot of my feelings about God, having another baby and just understanding what happened. I am so glad I am able to talk to him about this.

Thurs Feb 28
It has been 3 weeks since this mess all started. I guess that’s why I’ve been in a funk today. I am so tired of being tired, cranky and unmotivated. I do fine as long as I’m not at home, but the longer I stay gone, the more sick and exhausted I feel. Standing in line at Target, I just wanted to lay down and put my face on the cold floor. I think I need to go somewhere, I need something to look forward to.

Fri Feb 29
I am really ticked off today. My stomach looks like the Pillsbury dough boy,my butt is huge, my hemorrhoids are worse now than when I was pg and my boobs are disappearing. I guess when you have a new baby to hold, you don’t care b/c a) you have a baby and b) you can use the baby to cover up your fat and c) you still have fabulous boobs. I would think the least the gods could do is let me keep some boobs since I didn’t get a baby! I just want my body back. And I’m mad at my stupid body - it didn’t know Tyler was gone and now it’s having a really hard time figuring out that I’m not pg anymore. Stupid body, how could it have a dead baby in there for weeks and not know? How could it not know that there’s no baby at all in there anymore?
I am still really struggling with the spiritual aspect of this. Did God cause this? Did the devil? Did nature just take it’s course while God watched? Knowing what I know now, I don’t think a healthy baby can be born without God somehow having a hand in it. Too many things have to go just the right way at just the right time. None of those options is too comforting. God gets you if you’re bad and the devil gets you when you’re good. Can you ever get peace? Is this the answer
to my prayer for something to bring our family together? If it is, I’m sorry I asked.
I started a blog today - not really sure why. I guess it’s just something to do. It will be nice for everyone to be able to get on and see what the boys are up to and see pictures.

Sat March 1
Well the lunatic came out full force today! Last night Mark stayed out late. I called him a few times and he said he was coming home. I tried to go to bed around 11, but couldn’t go to sleep and I didn’t want to take the Ambien while he wasn’t home. I called him at 12 and he didn’t answer. That was it - all these things started going through my head - he was with the hot salesgirl, he really didn’t love me blah blah blah. I called him a few minutes later and he said he was leaving and coming home right then. 30 minutes later when he still hadn’t shown up, I called him again and he was just getting in his truck. I don’t think I have ever been so mad in my life! I knew my feelings were irrational, but I couldn’t fight them. When he got home, I just took my pill and went to bed.
I woke up in a crappy mood this morning and had to take the boys to zoo school. I was so mad at Mark for doing that last night. It’s just crappy of him to think he can stay out until midnight without bothering to call. I would think he would know that I can’t sleep, maybe he doesn’t. I was just numb and sick all day. I was convinced Mark didn’t really love me. I kept telling myself that this was all so irrational, but I just couldn’t quit. He had all but ignored me Thursday night and I barely talked to him at all Friday. I didn’t answer the phone all day when he called b/c I knew I would freak out and start spewing this ridiculous crap. It just snowballed all day. When he finally came home and we talked he told me I was the only person he had ever loved. It made me feel better, I hate being so needy! I know he is stressed at work and still not feeling good, I just need to know he still cares and isn’t getting sick of this lazy wacko he now lives with. He told me he thought Dr Carrington sounded like he really wanted me to take some medication. After today, I think I may need to. I don’t feel sad and depressed, but I feel totally out of control.

Sun March 2
I have decided that I am sick of this. I am going to force myself to start trying to act normal again. I put up some of the laundry piling up in our house as a start. I am going to the chiropractor, getting a massage, a facial and my hair cut this week, whether I feel like getting up and going or not. I do NOT like this needy irritable person I have become and I’m the only one that can change that. I am going to start writing more about the good things and not dwell so much on the bad. I’m not really feeling sad that Tyler is gone, but more that what happened just sucks. It is so brutal on your entire being - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. To be going along, thinking you’re having a baby and in 1 instant it’s gone. Then, on top of that, you have to go through a physical delivery and all the physical and hormonal changes that come with regular childbirth.
I haven’t written enough about how great Mark has really been. Every time I’ve had a breakdown, he has been right there to hold me, reassure me and tell me it’s ok to feel the way I do. I was complaining to him the other day about how big my butt is now and his reply was something like “well you just had a baby”. He seems to have a better grasp on the big picture. I feel so bad that I’m not really taking care of him, the house or the kids and he reassures me that it will take awhile to get over this, that I have lost a child and it’s an emptiness that will always be there.

Monday March 3
Today for the first time, I feel a part of me peeking out. It has been 3 weeks today since Tyler was born and I haven’t cried yet. I look back on him and feel love in my heart instead of sadness. I figure that is a step forward. I don’t feel sad, heavy or any of that bad stuff. I feel the tears there, but I am able to keep them in.
Dad sent me the sweetest email. Probably the most he has ever said about anything like this. I couldn’t read it too close b/c I’m having a good day and I don’t want to start crying.
Lori had her baby tonight. We all thought she would be here at noon and she wasn’t born until 9. I was so scared something was going to happen! I just felt this wave of relief when Donna called and said she was here. Good thing I am making myself have a good day!