Week 4

Tuesday March 4
I made up my mind that I was going to have another good day today. I went and worked up at school then I thought I would go look at cars or something. I went to Mark’s office to use the computer b/c I knew if I went home and got on the computer, I would never get up. I looked up on his bulletin board and he had written Tyler’s name on a piece of paper and hung it up there. It meant so much to me and I don’t really know why. I guess it really helped me feel like Tyler was real and he means as much to Mark as he does to me.
Donna texted me a picture of baby Molly that wasn’t very good. It looked like she had no upper lip. I called Donna b/c I was worried something was wrong with her and she didn’t answer. I figured she was in class or something and didn’t think much of it. This afternoon she hadn’t called me back so I called her. She called me right back and whispered that she was at the hospital. I asked her if everything was ok and she said she’d call me when she got out. Well of course, my mind starting racing and thinking of all the things that were wrong with Lori and the baby and how nobody was calling me b/c they didn’t want to tell me. I thought they had been at the hospital all day and on and on and on. Anyway, they are fine, Donna was at the hospital doing her rotation for class and she wasn’t supposed to have her phone on! Ok so maybe I’m still a mess.

Wed March 5
I thought I was going to have a day where I didn’t have anything to write about - I guess that’s what I get for thinking! After I picked up Ranger, we went to Lowe’s to get a key made and ended up wandering around. On the curtain aisle, there was a girl who was like 55 months pg. I just hurried past her and tried not to look. She had a little boy in her cart that started “talking” to the boys so they stopped and waved and talked to him. I made it through that pretty good then we went on to carpet. We were talking to the saleslady and the boy comes walking up pointing and talking to the boys. It turns out to be her 16 month old grandson. He plays in the carpets with the boys and Danner was so sweet to him. She starts telling me that her daughter is having a homebirth and all I can think is “Is she crazy? What if something happens?“ but I managed just to nod and “uh huh oh yeah that’s great” while she’s talking. She comments on how good Danner is to him and she starts telling me how I really need to have another one and asked had I ever considered another one and on and on and on. I was just nervous Danner was going to say something about our baby being dead or something, but he didn’t. I was so ready to get out of there, but I am having my good day and I’m not going to have a breakdown.
Then, last night Donna gave me the idea of doing the boys handprints and putting them with Tyler’s. I thought I could photocopy his to use b/c I don’t want to use his originals. We went to Mark’s office and the copier couldn’t copy them dark enough (they aren’t real great to begin with). It took everything I had not to bawl right there. I just want a copy of his damn crappy handprints! Is that too much to ask? Evidently today it is. I can’t imagine a place where I can walk in with my dead baby’s tiny handprints and make a good copy of them without looking like a total lunatic! Well crap, at least I am making myself have a good day, or I would be under the covers already!

Fri March 7
I was working in Ranger’s classroom today when Mrs Fritz did roll call. She told them to answer with their brother or sister’s name. Ranger ran over to me and asked me if he could say Tyler. I told him of course he could and he was so proud to say his name when she called on him. It really surprised me b/c Ranger doesn’t really say much about him.
Had the blahs this afternoon, I don’t know what it is about Friday’s

Sat March 8
The boys and I spent all day cleaning up the house for Keeno. It feels good to have a clean house, but I am worn out. It was nice having everyone over and having a little fun, but I didn’t really feel like myself. It was kinda like when your head is stopped up and you don’t feel all there. I don’t know, it just wasn’t me. After a couple of rounds, I was bored and didn’t really care anymore. Then I drug out my box for Julia, Cyndi and Sherri. I wish sometimes I would just keep my big mouth shut. I always say things around them that I wish I didn’t.

Sun March 9
I went to sleep last night and slept good all by myself! I was so tired last night, I figured it was a good night to try it w/o Ambien. I feel like that is a huge step forward.

Monday March 10
It has been 4 weeks today since little Tyler was born. I’m not sad so much about losing him now - I know he’s in a better place. I think what I’m feeling is more trauma from the whole experience - from looking at that screen and realizing he was gone, knowing I had been carrying a dead baby and didn’t even know, delivering a dead baby, the wild hormone swings and body changes, and all the what if’s and not really knowing what happened.
I knew something was wrong. On Brothers and Sisters, when Kitty lost her baby, I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I knew it would happen to me. I told Mark one night that I just didn’t feel like this was going to happen. All I could pray is that whatever did happen, God would use it for something good. I was in such shock at my 8 wk u/s when everything was ok, because I was sure there would be no hb. That makes it hard for me to believe that it was just a cord accident. How would my mind know 7 weeks before that it would happen? I will always wonder if there was something else wrong with him.
Should we try to have another baby? If we do, will this happen again? What if something was wrong with him, is that a risk we want to run? My heart and my body want to have a baby, I just don’t know if my mind is on board. It knows the risks, to me and to the baby. I know I should be thankful for the 2 wonderful boys I have and I am, now it just feels like something is missing.
I wonder how long this will last - is this how I’m going to feel forever? Is this my new normal? I hate feeling like this. I hate the waves of sadness that hit out of the blue. I want to feel happy and ok again, not just hit and miss, but all the time. I’m exhausted by the little things and irritable. I laid in bed last night and was wondering why I was feeling so down, then I realized it was 4 weeks ago today. How does my mind know that? I wish it would quit. I’m tired of counting the weeks and days. I’m tired of this whole mess.