Week2

Tues Feb 19
Got up and took Danner to school. It was hard to go in for the first time for some reason, I guess they are the only other people that know that I haven’t seen yet. I went and helped Mrs Fritz at school. It was nice to do something to get my mind off things for awhile.
Danner came in last night and said he was sad baby Tyler was dead. He said he can’t see him in his heart b/c his eyes are looking straight ahead. He asked if he cried when they took him out of my tummy. He said he didn’t want to be dead

Wed Feb 20
I feel like crap today - I don’t know if I’m getting sick or what. It’s hard to tell what’s emotional and what’s physical. I didn’t take the Ambien last night b/c I took some sinus medicine and thought it would knock me out enough. I feel like I never really went to sleep and when I did, I had nightmares. I guess I’m going to keep taking it.
A lot of the girls on BBC say that I’m strong for going out and doing so much. It doesn’t feel that way. I feel like a blob just doing what has to be done. The boys deserve to have a semi-normal mom. I made myself get out today and go get a peel. I feel like I need to look extra good right now, I guess so I look like I’m ok. I even get up and dry my hair every morning - no pony tails.
I found out today that Krystal is having a girl and Lori is having another u/s to check the size of the baby so she doesn’t get too big. I get so nervous and sick thinking about them losing their babies too. I’m scared they’re going to go in and not be able to find a hb either. I don’t even care that Krystal is having another girl, I’m just happy the baby is ok.
I wonder when I’ll feel like eating again. All I want is chocolate and junk. Anything healthy just reminds me of being pg. I don’t even want a cheeseburger. I haven’t even really cried today, I guess I’m just at the numb part.
My milk never did come in so there’s 1 thing to be thankful for. This whole process is just so cruel, I’m glad that’s 1 thing I didn’t have to suffer through.

Thurs Feb 21
The wave of sadness hit again yesterday evening and hasn’t gone away. I cried as soon as I woke up this morning. Mark really hurt my feelings last night He came to sit down by me and I asked him if he was going to sit by me tonight and he said it depends on how I act. Then he goes on to talk about how hot this salesgirl was that came into the office today! I really trying hard not to be mad and hurt b/c I know I am way overly sensitive right now but it made me feel alone. I know he didn’t mean anything by it. Now this morning all I can do is cry. I thought I was past this part, I haven’t really cried in a few days. I’m just so sad. Today is 2 weeks since we found out he was gone. Will there ever be another Thursday or Monday or 11th of the month that I won’t cry? I don’t think I will ever forget looking at that screen and realizing there was no hb in the baby. Oh crap the sobbing is back too. I did nothing but cry all day - I even got up and ironed mark’s tshirts to give me something to do. He came home from work early and just having him here makes me feel better. He said he hadn’t gotten to see me cry in 2 or 3 days and that made me feel like he wasn’t sick of me yet. He was so encouraging and told me I would be myself again someday and asked how I was feeling. I told him it feels more physical than emotional. I feel so heavy and empty and just not like myself. I said I just want this to be over with. He said I would probably be mad at myself when I don’t feel this anymore. He’s probably right.

Fri Feb 22
I didn’t wake up crying today, that’s an improvement over yesterday. Not that I haven’t cried already though. Jennifer emailed me today and told me she’s having a baby in Sept. More than it hurts, I am so scared that something is going to go wrong. I don’t want anyone I know to have to go through this. I don’t know what to think today. I am so tired of being sad and not being me. I don’t want to leave Tyler behind or ever forget, but what good is it doing me? It won’t ever bring him back and there’s nothing that will change it. I just want it to be over.

Sat Feb 23
Today is Ranger’s 6th birthday. I usually want to think back on the day he was born, but I couldn’t let myself do that today. All I could think back to was Tyler. Ranger did great in his last basketball game and then we had his party at Bouncin Bonanza. Ranger had a great day and got tons of stuff!

Sun Feb 24
Dad and I worked on the garage all day. I feel physically better and stronger than I have since this started. I even ate twice today. Maybe my appetite has finally come back. Mark mentioned that stupid salesgirl again and it made me cry. I can tell my hormones or my emotions are still really screwed up. I don’t know why some things about him are hurting me so bad right now. He has been so kind, gentle and patient with me.

Mon Feb25
I realize today that God was watching over me and not letting me do anything that would have made me think hurt the baby. It’s been a pretty good day so far - didn’t even cry in the shower this morning. The sun is out today and it’s hot - everything feels so bright and fresh.
Today, I don’t know if I want another baby. The boys are at such a good age right now and so independent. I don’t know if I could keep up with them if we had a baby. I want to be pg again though, I don’t want my last baby to be a dead one. I don’t want this to be my memory of being pg and having babies. The boys both said today that they wish Tyler wasn’t dead when he came out of my tummy. Today it's been 2 weeks since he was born, and it has been a busy 2 weeks; Mark and Ranger had the flu, Lyndi had her baby, our hot water heater went out, the septic tank backed up and we had a bday party for Ranger.