Tyler got presents!! His Granna sent some flowers with a beautiful angel and his Meme, Donna and Kala sent a snowglobe with his name and birthday engraved on it. His daddy named a star after him. He is so loved . . .
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Happy Birthday Tyler
I woke up this morning right at 3am which is the time that Tyler was born. It is so amazing how our minds and bodies know that kind of thing. One year ago, I was just starting a journey that I never imagined I would survive. I thought I was going to be lost in the pit forever, but I wasn't. I made it and I am ok. I realized laying there this morning that even though I miss Tyler and wish he was still here, my grief and sadness still aren't for him. He is in the best place possible and will never have to feel the pain and agony of this earth. I, on the other hand, still do. The memories still hurt and so do some of the regrets. I didn't hold him and didn't even look at him. I know that for me, that was for the best, but it is so hard not to look back and wish I had done things differently. What I have realized though, is that there is no perfect way to give birth and say goodbye to a dead baby. No matter what choices you make, there will always be something you wish you did different. I know that God guided those decisions for me and led me to do what would be best in the long run. Just like I know it was God that made Dr C say it was a boy whether he really was or not.
I was talking to Mark about Tyler this morning and he told me that I should just be happy that I made it through this year ok and that we have another baby coming (not that he would replace Tyler, but it's ok to be happy anyway). He's right. I need to look at this year and how much I have grown and overcome. I was reading my Bible yesterday and that pesky verse came up again "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thess 5:21 (?). I have so much to be thankful for, even as much as my heart hurts today.
One thing I am very thankful for, is that now that I look back, I see that God prepared me to handle this. The first thing that comes to mind is back when I was in high school, our band director's baby died right before it was due and his wife still had to give birth. I remember thinking about how hard that would be and how I could never do that. (have you ever noticed that when you say that, you end up having to do it?) I had never heard of anything like that happening before and for some reason, that has stuck in my head all these years. The next thing is a friend of mine had quadruplets and their son Hunter passed away after they were born. They had the most amazing attitude in trusting God and praising him even through the worst of times. I remember realizing that God was taking me on a journey of faith, even though I really didn't understand what that meant. I could see God working through them and helping them make it through that very difficult time of losing a baby, praising God for the others, and having faith that they would be ok. (They are now very healthy, active 2 yr olds!). Then, Mark's aunt Sharon died very suddenly and unexpectedly. Her kids handled it with such grace and peace that it helped me realize the power of God can help you through anything when you lean on him. He planted the seeds before I was even pregnant with Tyler about faith and leaning on him. I didn't understand one bit of it then, but boy I do now.
Tyler, I miss you. You will always have your own special place in my heart. You made such an impact on my life in just the short time that I had with you.
Thank you God for letting me have him and for all of the good you've brought to me through him. Thank you for guiding me and holding me through it all.
I have new pictures of the baby, all is fine. I'll post them tomorrow and just let this be Tyler's day.
I was talking to Mark about Tyler this morning and he told me that I should just be happy that I made it through this year ok and that we have another baby coming (not that he would replace Tyler, but it's ok to be happy anyway). He's right. I need to look at this year and how much I have grown and overcome. I was reading my Bible yesterday and that pesky verse came up again "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thess 5:21 (?). I have so much to be thankful for, even as much as my heart hurts today.
One thing I am very thankful for, is that now that I look back, I see that God prepared me to handle this. The first thing that comes to mind is back when I was in high school, our band director's baby died right before it was due and his wife still had to give birth. I remember thinking about how hard that would be and how I could never do that. (have you ever noticed that when you say that, you end up having to do it?) I had never heard of anything like that happening before and for some reason, that has stuck in my head all these years. The next thing is a friend of mine had quadruplets and their son Hunter passed away after they were born. They had the most amazing attitude in trusting God and praising him even through the worst of times. I remember realizing that God was taking me on a journey of faith, even though I really didn't understand what that meant. I could see God working through them and helping them make it through that very difficult time of losing a baby, praising God for the others, and having faith that they would be ok. (They are now very healthy, active 2 yr olds!). Then, Mark's aunt Sharon died very suddenly and unexpectedly. Her kids handled it with such grace and peace that it helped me realize the power of God can help you through anything when you lean on him. He planted the seeds before I was even pregnant with Tyler about faith and leaning on him. I didn't understand one bit of it then, but boy I do now.
Tyler, I miss you. You will always have your own special place in my heart. You made such an impact on my life in just the short time that I had with you.
Thank you God for letting me have him and for all of the good you've brought to me through him. Thank you for guiding me and holding me through it all.
I have new pictures of the baby, all is fine. I'll post them tomorrow and just let this be Tyler's day.
Friday, February 6, 2009
It's here (Donna get a tissue)
It's the dreaded 1 year anniversary. One year ago today was the last day of my old life and the old me. I had no idea of what was in store for me. February 7 was the day I found out he was gone. Today was the 1 year anniversary that my friend (IRL - I actually do have a few of those!) Melissa's baby girl was stillborn. I can honestly say that before I lost Tyler, I didn't know what it meant to have your heart really ache for someone else. I ached for Melissa today - for the pain she was feeling, for all the times she replayed and remembered every detail of 1 year ago today, and for the emptiness in her heart that will always be there. Jon Benet Ramsey's dad was on Oprah yesterday and she was asking him if he'd been able to move on and he said something like - yes, you have to, but when your child dies there is a hole in your heart that will always be there. Yes there is.
I can't say that I'm unhappy with the "new" me. I'm not entirely happy with some of the other things that have changed in the last year, but I can't dwell on that. All I can do is continue to thank God every day for leading and holding me through this.
I never imagined that the 1 year mark would reopen so many of the wounds that have been trying so hard to heal. Laying in bed at night, I remember laying in the u/s room like it was yesterday, I remember looking at the screen and realizing there was no heart beating, I remember the tech telling me "we have to talk . . . ", and I remember just repeating over and over "I knew it". I remember feeling so bad for my friends that had to be there for that - and I still do. I remember being numb - I still had to go pick up Ranger from school and he came home with the flu that day (he's sick today too). Mark and I went home and both got on our laptops to see what on earth would happen next. I mean this isn't really something that you have a plan for. That night was my first encounter with DeadBabyMama Land. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't stumbled onto them. There's so much that I remember every little detail and so much that is just a big blur.
When I think about it too long, I get a little mad at myself - I mean, really how could I have not known something was wrong? For pete's sake, I was 18 wks pregnant with my 3rd child and wasn't worried that I hadn't felt ANY movement? (other than the flailing I realized later was probably him dying) I even had a doppler and I just thought it was a piece of crap that didn't work.
I'm rambling - this has just totally knocked me off center and it has surprised me. Once again, I thought I was getting to a good place and was so emotionally healthy and BAM! I'm sure I'll have more to add on his actual birthday - it really bugs me that there is no term for that day. I am determined to come up with an appropriate term for the anniversary of the day someone died.
Please also keep Liz and Michelle in your prayers this week. And Elizabeth - her journey was much longer and harder, but it all started this week too.
I can't say that I'm unhappy with the "new" me. I'm not entirely happy with some of the other things that have changed in the last year, but I can't dwell on that. All I can do is continue to thank God every day for leading and holding me through this.
I never imagined that the 1 year mark would reopen so many of the wounds that have been trying so hard to heal. Laying in bed at night, I remember laying in the u/s room like it was yesterday, I remember looking at the screen and realizing there was no heart beating, I remember the tech telling me "we have to talk . . . ", and I remember just repeating over and over "I knew it". I remember feeling so bad for my friends that had to be there for that - and I still do. I remember being numb - I still had to go pick up Ranger from school and he came home with the flu that day (he's sick today too). Mark and I went home and both got on our laptops to see what on earth would happen next. I mean this isn't really something that you have a plan for. That night was my first encounter with DeadBabyMama Land. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't stumbled onto them. There's so much that I remember every little detail and so much that is just a big blur.
When I think about it too long, I get a little mad at myself - I mean, really how could I have not known something was wrong? For pete's sake, I was 18 wks pregnant with my 3rd child and wasn't worried that I hadn't felt ANY movement? (other than the flailing I realized later was probably him dying) I even had a doppler and I just thought it was a piece of crap that didn't work.
I'm rambling - this has just totally knocked me off center and it has surprised me. Once again, I thought I was getting to a good place and was so emotionally healthy and BAM! I'm sure I'll have more to add on his actual birthday - it really bugs me that there is no term for that day. I am determined to come up with an appropriate term for the anniversary of the day someone died.
Please also keep Liz and Michelle in your prayers this week. And Elizabeth - her journey was much longer and harder, but it all started this week too.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Carrot, Egg, or Coffee
A friend of mine forwarded this email to me today and I thought it was worth sharing.
A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'
'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes a long their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
I don't know about you, but I needed to hear that today. Thanks Shay!
A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'
'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes a long their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
I don't know about you, but I needed to hear that today. Thanks Shay!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Thank you, thank you!!
The award states: "These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."
Kristi - gave me this wonderful award (and I think she's the one who taught me how to hyperlink). Thanks Kristi and I know this is probably cheating, but I am giving the award to you too. Your blog is one of the highlights of my day. You are a fabulous writer and even better photographer. So many times, you have put what I've been feeling into words that I couldn't. I pray for you daily and wish you nothing but the absolute best!
Angie - will probably never know I gave her this award since she doesn't visit my blog, but she writes the most wonderful blogs. She lost a daughter last year and her love and faith are absolutely inspirational. She has helped me be a better, more Godly mom to my kids. Go check her out.
Holli - Holly lost her daughter Brenna not too long after Tyler died. She has a great outlook and I am so proud of how well she has done in the months since Brenna's death. I know you've already gotten this award Holli, but I appreciate you too!
Beth - For some reason I really connect with what Beth writes. I don't communicate with her much other than commenting on her blog, but I feel like we have a lot in common
Jenny - is one of the dearest friends I've ever had. Her blog has really given me a lot of good insight on my marriage and my relationship with Jesus.
I read tons of blogs, but I don't know how many want me to link them (Jenny and Beth, I hope you don't mind, let me know and I'll unlink you!) but Elsie, Marissa, Leana, and Holly - if you are reading, consider yourselves awarded!
I've finally reached 24 weeks! I don't know why that feels like such a big milestone, but babysteps I guess. I really feel like the guy from "What About Bob" going through each day just repeating "baby steps, baby steps, baby steps" over and over! This has been a really good week. He is moving around quite a bit and I'm feeling pretty optimistic. I don't know if it's faith, or just a few good days. I was reading today about Jesus' death, and if you want to talk about someone not wanting to go where God wanted him to go, I imagine Jesus understands that completely. He went out to pray and begged God to "let this cup pass from me" but then he added "not my will, but yours be done." How much strength it must have taken for him to let it all happen and not put up a fight. It also says an angel appeared to him from heaven, strengthening him (Luke 22:42-43) I know that God will send his strength and help me no matter what path He leads me down.
I have shared so much of the yucky stuff in my life here, I really want to share the good. My kids are a blast and they have a separate blog with all the happy stuff. It's not very interesting, but it's good for a few laughs. (Kristi, you have to go check out my complete lack of photography skills!) http://shipmankids.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
23 weeks!
Danner asked me last night if this baby is going to live or die and said that when he gets to heaven, he is going to give Tyler a big hug and kiss. He was sitting on my lap the other day and I told him he was hurting me and he said "I don't want to kill this baby too!" I hate that he has experienced this and even knows to ask those questions, but it also makes me feel really good that he remembers Tyler and loves him.
Right now I'm trying to decide what to do for Tyler's birthday - I don't know if I should do something with the boys or just remember him privately. It feels odd to "celebrate" his birthday when he was not born alive or anywhere close to viability but I do feel that we need to remember him somehow.
I am really struggling with faith right now. I have faith that no matter what happens that God will be with me and it will be ok, but I don't have faith that everything is going to be ok. I had that last time and it wasn't. I'm trying to wrap my mind around Matt 7:7-7 "ask and it will be given unto you . . . for everyone who asks receives" and Matt 21:22 "And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive" just to name a few. Even though I knew deep down that something wasn't right with Tyler, I had 100% faith that he was going to be my full term baby and that he was going to be ok. I prayed for him every day. I am thankful for all the wonderful things that have changed in my life because of his death, but I sure don't want to go there again. God's will is God's will - does He change it just because we ask him to? I just don't know and I seem to be stuck here.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Anxiety
My sweet friend K, has found out that her baby is gone yet again. His name is Collin. I can't imagine having to go through this again, especially on top of 5 other losses. Please keep her in your prayers as she goes down this dark road once again. She is dear to me because she is one of the 2 women that saved me from sinking down into anger and bitterness after I lost Tyler. She encouraged me to find hope and to keep looking for the light. K, my heart truly aches for you today.
I have lost my mind! I am actually happy that I've made it past 20 weeks, so if we lose this baby he will be considered stillborn and not just a miscarriage. Why on earth would that make me happy? I am finding myself really struggling with anxiety lately (even before learning of K's loss). I never thought that making it past the time I lost Tyler would be this scary. There is talk of names, baby showers and the future that makes me want to throw up. I just can't get that far yet. I'm hoping that after I make it past 26 weeks, I'll be able to relax some but I know I won't truly rest until he is here - healthy and alive.
God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. -- Albert Einstein
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." --A. Einstein
I have lost my mind! I am actually happy that I've made it past 20 weeks, so if we lose this baby he will be considered stillborn and not just a miscarriage. Why on earth would that make me happy? I am finding myself really struggling with anxiety lately (even before learning of K's loss). I never thought that making it past the time I lost Tyler would be this scary. There is talk of names, baby showers and the future that makes me want to throw up. I just can't get that far yet. I'm hoping that after I make it past 26 weeks, I'll be able to relax some but I know I won't truly rest until he is here - healthy and alive.
God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. -- Albert Einstein
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." --A. Einstein
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Goodbye 2008
As 2008 comes to a close, I just want to remember all of the babies who are not here, but have profoundly touched my life through their deaths.
In loving memory of Tyler, Lucas, Jalissa, Audrey Caroline, Luke, Eli, Brenna, Daniel, Tristan, Chase, Ada, Willow, Cameron, Caden, Elias, Skylar, John, Ashlen, Alexis, Jenna, Elijah, Shannon, Jorie, Harrison, Hunter, Angelic, Gregory, Hannah, Brendan, Hunter Kate, Josie, Bailee, Abigail, Logan, Mitchell, Scarlett, Kasey, Vivian, and the many many others that were unnamed and that I have unintentionally left out. I also want to remember Carter, Lucy, John, Makenna, Dash, and William. Your mothers have all been a great source of comfort, strength and support and I couldn't have made it through this without them.
And a big woohoo! and praise to God for OSD, Landon, Kannon, Krista, Jadyn, William, Faith, Mackenzie, Klaire, Lily & Molly that are here safely and all the rainbow babies that are to come in 2009!
Happy New Year!
This hasn't been the best year for me, but it has brought some really good things to me. I can't say that I am happy or sad for 2008 to end, but I am looking forward to 2009 and all the great things we have in store for us!
In loving memory of Tyler, Lucas, Jalissa, Audrey Caroline, Luke, Eli, Brenna, Daniel, Tristan, Chase, Ada, Willow, Cameron, Caden, Elias, Skylar, John, Ashlen, Alexis, Jenna, Elijah, Shannon, Jorie, Harrison, Hunter, Angelic, Gregory, Hannah, Brendan, Hunter Kate, Josie, Bailee, Abigail, Logan, Mitchell, Scarlett, Kasey, Vivian, and the many many others that were unnamed and that I have unintentionally left out. I also want to remember Carter, Lucy, John, Makenna, Dash, and William. Your mothers have all been a great source of comfort, strength and support and I couldn't have made it through this without them.
And a big woohoo! and praise to God for OSD, Landon, Kannon, Krista, Jadyn, William, Faith, Mackenzie, Klaire, Lily & Molly that are here safely and all the rainbow babies that are to come in 2009!
Happy New Year!
This hasn't been the best year for me, but it has brought some really good things to me. I can't say that I am happy or sad for 2008 to end, but I am looking forward to 2009 and all the great things we have in store for us!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
It's a boy!
I don't know why out of all the pictures the Dr took, that he gave me the one he called the "skeleton shot" - men I guess! I don't know what the deal is with all these rainbow boys, but I don't care. I honestly didn't care either way, I'm just happy that all looks good and I don't have to go back to the high risk Dr again. I'm getting excited, but then I get scared that I'm so excited and have to stop but I know I'll get there. I feel him move almost every day so that's really reassuring.
BTW, our family has a tradition of names ending in -er so if you have any good ideas, send them my way!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Ornament
This is the ornament I finally decided on for Tyler. I had a hard time deciding what I wanted - angels just don't really seem appropriate and I wanted to find something that would kind of blend in with the rest of our ornaments. I wanted to honor his memory without having a dead baby ornament that sticks out like a sore thumb! I got this one at Things Remembered - I'm not a great photographer, but is has his name, birthdate and "always in our hearts".
Danner (who's 5) was so funny when I told him what we were doing - he said "He doesn't need an ornament, he's dead." And he was serious. He still doesn't really get why he needs an ornament on our tree while he's in heaven. But that conversation made me realize, how lucky is Tyler to actually get to spend Jesus' birthday WITH JESUS?! That realization has made the holidays a little more bearable.
This is the part from Thanksgiving that has taken me awhile to grab hold of and actually write. I really struggled this year with being thankful. I have lots of wonderful things in my life to be thankful for, but all I could think about is what I didn't have. It didn't help that the time in my pregnancy that he Tyler died, just happened to fall during Thanksgiving week with this baby. Then in my blog stalking, I came across some writings of Greg at Light Your World about being thankful for all and in all. Ephesians 5:20 says "Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;" What?! Are you kidding me?! (And it says the same thing no matter what translation you use, so no excuses there) After reading some of what he wrote, people's responses and Angie at Bring The Rain had some of the same questions. After weeks of praying and soul searching I am able to say that I am thankful for Tyler's death. Not happy or glad that it happened, but thankful for all the changes his short life and even his death have brought to my life. I now understand things that I could never have grasped without this experience and it has given me a different perspective on things. Through his death, I see how God has been working in my life for the last few years - even now I know I have heard His voice through other people, I see that He is ALWAYS there, and now I look more forward to heaven than I ever have. The thought of dying used to terrify me, but it's not so scary now that I know Tyler is there waiting for me. I wish I could say that this has all made me a better person outwardly, but that hasn't happened - yet. Thanks for listening to my rambling - I need to post more often so I don't write a novel when I do!
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