You know, things have been going pretty good lately. I have put some distance between myself and DeadBabyMama Land and have been feeling good. I have been really busy, but maybe a little too busy. I think I may have pushed too much aside and let it build up.
Tonight I went to play Bunco with Ranger's teachers and some of their friends and there was a girl there that was very pg and I realized it didn't really bother me. So, I'm trying to be nice and social and I ask her when she's due. Just so happens that she's due on Tyler's due date. Are you kidding me?! I had to stop myself from telling her "oh that's when I was due". I can't imagine what kind of look I had on my face or what my reaction was. I managed to hold it together until it was all over and I was back in my car. I thought I was ok for a minute and then the heaving sobs hit. Mark was so great when I got home, he just held me and let me slobber and cry all over him! I really don't understand it though - I have accepted Tyler's death and am ok with it. As I was sitting down to write this, I realized it's more about me. He hasn't lost or missed out on anything. He got the great end of the deal. I lost a part of me, not only physically but otherwise. I lost my innocence and excitement and joy of a pregnancy. I will never look at a pg woman again without thinking "Lord I hope they are ok". I don't think I will ever be able to relax and enjoy the pregnancies of anyone around me - just waiting and praying that they will never have to join the club. I feel so selfish that my sadness isn't for Tyler, it's just for me. I'm sad that I missed the "fun" part, having the big belly, feeling him move around, wondering what he would look like, the excitement and anticipation, the sweetness of my boys with a baby - all that stuff. If I ever get pg again, it won't be the same. This is something that I will never get back, I think now I'm grieving that old piece of me that's gone. I want to be pg again, but I realize that I want it to be the way it was. I don't know if I want to get pg and have this dark cloud hanging over me waiting for it to happen again. I don't even know how to explain all of this, I don't even know really what it is that bothered me so much. He's gone, he's not coming back, I'm not pregnant anymore - I get it, so why am I crying?
I know that God is with me and I believe that he can heal me - maybe this is a piece He can give me back. I don't really know. On my way home, the song came on "Holy is the Lord God Almighty, worthy in the lamb, you are holy" I can't think of the rest of the words right now, but I sang and cried. I praise you in this storm God, you are holy and almighty and I trust your will and I rest in your grace.

Aahhh Fresh Air

Mark and I went for a drive after our dinner out last night - he put the top down and we rode down the interstate with the radio loud and the cool wind blowing on us. We didn't really talk, I just sat and looked around at the beauty that God has created. I love the night sky. It was so refreshing and a great time to sit and just "be".
Today, it seems like I encountered 1 thing after another trying to bring me down. It started out with seeing a 3 month old baby this morning. It has been 3 months since Tyler was born - it's not like he would be 3 months old, but it just caught me. Then a dad of one of my former students asked if I was having another baby. I just said "no" and he said "oh I must be thinking of someone else" and I said "no, it was me". He was so embarrassed and kept apologizing that he had forgotten. As much as I wanted to be hurt, irritated or whatever, I really enjoyed him feeling like an ass! He is a pretty big jerk anyway. Then we went to get the boys hair cuts and there were at least 5 pregnant women that came in and out while we were there. Then, we took Kala and her friend Lacy to lunch and they wanted to eat at Bennigan's which is where Mark and I ate when we were on our way to the hospital to deliver Tyler. After all of this, I am completely ok. There have been no tears - I feel refreshed, calm and cleansed. We even went to Babies R Us to buy a baby gift for my cousin.
Thank you God for your beauty, healing and peace!

The Shack

I read this book by William Young this weekend while we were on vacation. It explained a lot of things to me about grief and loss and God. It's about a man whose daughter is murdered and he is lost in his sadness. God calls him back to the place where she was killed and the man spends a few days walking with God, Jesus, and the Spirit. I don't know if I believe that is true or not, but the things that are written that God said made a lot of sense to me. Here is a quote that caught my attention - this is God speaking to the man
"just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes.That will only lead you to false notions of me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."
I am going to go back and spend some time re-reading it so you may hear more about it soon.

I have settled into a different type of sad over Tyler - maybe it's the light touch of sad I will always carry with me. It's a peaceful kind of sadness. I have accepted that he's gone and it's ok, but I think there will always be a little empty spot in my heart for what could have been.
Pregnant ladies are starting to bother me though,I think mostly it is caused by my exhaustion from our trip. There was a woman at Disneyland that I saw 3 or 4 times one day, I don't know why I noticed her b/c I'm sure there were a bunch more there, but I imagined that she was as far along as I should be. I don't have anger or bitterness, just that touch of sadness that it should be me too. I am hoping that this will pass when his due date has come and gone.

Comfort

I wanted to share this amazing picture my mom painted of the boys! She even carved a little "T" in the tree for Tyler. It is such a special gift, and I wanted to share it with everyone!

I haven't posted in awhile, so I have a lot to add. At church last Sunday, the preacher preached on 1 Peter 5:6-10

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care on Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered awhile, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you."

This wasn't really written in the context of a loss, but it still struck me. God will lift me up in due time and will carry my burden if I give it to him. The devil is stalking, looking for a weakness to attack in us. We have to be on the lookout for him and resist him. I am not the only one suffering with this in the world - I am not alone. After I have suffered, He will perfect, establish, strengthen and settle me. Isn't that great?!!

And this was the e-votional from yesterday -

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort over flows.”

This is why I share my journey - and I want to give God the praise and credit for what he is doing in my life! Thank you so much to everyone who reads, comments, and emails encouraging words, they really mean a lot!

Welcome to Holland

As a special ed teacher, I have seen this poem a million times related to having a child with special needs. Until Hillary posted it today, I hadn't even thought of it in the context of losing a child, but it applies there too.

Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience, to help others understand it, to imagine how it would feel. Well, it’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks, and you make your make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, Michelangelo’s David, the gondolas in Venice. You may even learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags, and off you go. Several hours later, the plane is preparing to land. And as the plane is landing, the pilot makes an announcement: “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland ?!?!” you say. “What do you mean, Holland? I signed up to go to Italy! All of my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy!”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve taken you to Holland, and there you must stay. The important thing, however, is that haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would have never met.

It’s really just a difference place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there been a while, you’ll catch your breath. And then you’ll look around and notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy going to and from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful place it is. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. Italy is what I had planned.”

The pain of that will never, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special and very lovely things about Holland.


Rocky Mountain News, October 29, 1990

Moving On

I have finally lost count of the weeks that Tyler has been gone and of how many weeks pregnant that I should be. Not to say that on my bad days I don't get out the calendar and count, but it's not a daily thought anymore. Thursdays and Mondays are just average days in the week - They pass without me noticing. I always wondered when this day would come. It didn't happen without a conscious effort. I have worked really hard and prayed often to heal my heart and try to move forward. It hasn't been easy and I know that it won't be easy for a long time, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel! One thing that has helped is that I now start my day with God (thanks for the idea Jenny) and my daily e-votional (thanks again Kristi!) It has really been uplifting for me to start my days in the right frame of mind. Today this is a quote from Pastor Cecil:
"It was a time in David’s life when he was betrayed and abandoned. Those that could have been, and should have been, supporting him had abandoned him. But there was One who was always there, and David placed his trust in Him. He took his refuge in the Rock that cannot be shaken."

He is talking about Psalm 31:1-3 and taking refuge in God. This statement struck me, because so often when dealing with a miscarriage, there are those people who aren't there for us that we think should be. I don't know how many posts I have read about that. When those that should be supporting us are not, God is there. He is always there. I want to share the link with you because Pastor Cecil has some really good things to say. Check out some of the old e-votionals from the last several months, they are really good! http://daily-e-votional.com/ I find myself wanting to repost a lot of them, so ya'll go check it out.

Haha! I just realized I had KISS on my playlist! Mark and I were looking through songs the other night and playlist was the easiest place to find what we were looking for and I guess that one accidentally got added to Tyler's playlist. Maybe he's trying to tell me he wants more rockin' music for him on here!

Puddles

I was laying in bed last night trying to figure out how to describe the down I've felt for the last few days. I know I'm not in the pit or in a hole - then the word "puddle" popped into my head. I have just been in a little puddle lately. As I was asking God to pull me up from my puddle, I remembered a little girl named Summer that I worked with while I was in college. She was 3 and had a seizure disorder. While she was playing outside, she had a seizure and fell face down in a little puddle and drowned. I realized that these little puddles can become very dangerous if I let myself stay in them too long.
I don't know why these little "aha" moments continue to surprise me. God is working in my life and guiding me through this healing process.

My Garden

I have decided that this is my memory garden for Tyler. I know better than to try and plant a real garden, between my black thumb, the boys and the dogs I don't think a real one would last very long. I have spent the day here and added a playlist and links to my favorite poetry and scriptures that have helped me along the way. I feel so much better and I am ready for tomorrow.
I can't believe all of this stuff that I have learned how to do! For those of you that don't "know" me, I can barely attach a picture to an email! This has really been a stretch for me and a lesson in patience and persistence.

Blah

A friend of mine texted me today and let me know she is having a girl. She doesn't know about Tyler so she's been keeping us updated on her pregnancy and sending belly pictures every couple of weeks. They haven't bothered me too bad, but I knew it would be harder when she got around the time that I was when we lost Tyler. Her text sent so many different emotions through me - I am so happy that everything is ok, I'm happy that I can shop for a girl, but it also makes it hit home that I'm not ever going to have Tyler. That's a reality that I'm not sure has sunk in yet. I also think about how happy we should have been after that sonogram and instead it was the worst day of my life. This is the biggest low I have had in a long time.
AND, we saw some friends of Mark's tonight. His wife asked me if we were going to try again. Why do people think that's an appropriate question to ask? I appreciate her acknowledging our loss, but I would much prefer a "I'm sorry for your loss" or questions about what happened. I don't know if we are going to try again! As much as I want to have another baby, I'm not sure I want my heart to be ripped out again. Then she asked if it was twins because her sister-in-law lost twins twice and then finally had a little girl. I'm sorry, I don't really care. Man I sound like a witch - I guess she just caught me on the wrong day. But I really am tired of people asking if we are going to try again.
Today has helped me realize that this blog is one thing that helps me feel close to Tyler. When I was thinking about all of this before I got home, I just wanted to come sit down and type it all out here. I find comfort that this is the place that I can come and think about him. This is the only link to him that I have.
I hope the "fine" me will be back tomorrow!

Kids in Texas

I don't know if ya'll know about the horrible ritual that mother's in Texas subject their kids to year after year - the pictures in the bluebonnets! I think Danner looks like I did in most of my bluebonnet pictures while I was growing up. I hated it! And yet, I am passing the torture down to my kids like I swore I never would. I hope they pass the misery ( I mean memories) on to their kids.