Actually he was 1 in millions - literally. We went in and met with the high risk Dr today. He told us that if Dr Carrington wasn't such a reputable Dr, he wouldn't have believed his report. Tyler's cord was not only twisted, it was twisted so tightly that it was coming apart. He said there was no doubt that this is what caused his death and there was nothing that could have prevented it. He said he had only heard about this 1 time and it was in the back of some obscure medical journal he was reading. He said this wasn't related at all to Danner's 2 vessel cord or his cord being knotted and around his neck, and those things weren't related either. Just a bunch of random stuff that happened to randomly happen to us. He was more concerned about calcifications on Danner's head than he was anything else. (I didn't remember that). He didn't see any problems or any reason why we shouldn't try again. Preterm labor was all that he was concerned about and he said that really wasn't concerning to him because it was coming on so late in the pregnancy and we were able to go to 36 weeks. That doesn't worry me at all b/c I know I'm in good hands, I just worry about all the other stuff. He basically said to just worry about what can be fixed and let the rest of the stuff work its way out. I feel relieved knowing exactly what happened and getting a little more detail. Now what?
It's up to Mark - he doesn't want to try again and I completely understand why. I mean what sane person would want to run the risk of going through this hell again? Why would he want to put up with a freaking out hormonal woman for months to end up with a screaming pooping baby? What on earth makes me WANT to do that again? I have no idea, I keep asking myself those same questions and the only answer I can come up with is that I just do. I don't want to replace Tyler, I think I just want to go back and enjoy every minute of being pregnant and love that little baby with all my heart for no matter how long it lasts. I don't want to go out a loser. It's like coming in last place in the Olympics - no one wants to end their career like that. It makes you more determined to come back tougher and win a medal. I don't want to have any regrets.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Mess
I'm a mess right now and so is everything around me it seems. I know we have all been here before - the place where it seems that nothing is going right and life is just a mess. My kids are completely out of control, Mark is having horrible times with his work, our family isn't functioning right, and I don't know which way is up right now. I have been hit with the sadness again lately, and I know a lot of it is because of all of the stress and unrest everywhere else. I miss Tyler and I wish he was here with us. I think of all of the things we have done lately and how it "would" (I'm trying to catch those "shoulds"!) have been if he was with us. I look at the baby clothes we walk by while school shopping and am sad that we don't have our baby to shop for.
Everything with Tyler seemed so perfect - the timing, the place we were in our lives and our relationship, even the way my health insurance coverage worked out was perfect. It seemed like this was a new start for us. Mark was so excited about having a baby and I thought this was really going to bring our family closer together. All those feelings and excitement we will never get back, not even with another baby. I guess the realities of life as a DeadBabyMama are just starting to sink in.
I know this is just another dip in the rollercoaster and I'll be ok in a few days. I know that getting the kids back to school and getting us all in a routine again is what we all need right now - I think we are "summered out".
Everything with Tyler seemed so perfect - the timing, the place we were in our lives and our relationship, even the way my health insurance coverage worked out was perfect. It seemed like this was a new start for us. Mark was so excited about having a baby and I thought this was really going to bring our family closer together. All those feelings and excitement we will never get back, not even with another baby. I guess the realities of life as a DeadBabyMama are just starting to sink in.
I know this is just another dip in the rollercoaster and I'll be ok in a few days. I know that getting the kids back to school and getting us all in a routine again is what we all need right now - I think we are "summered out".
Monday, August 11, 2008
6 Months
Today is 6 months since Tyler was born. Wow, feels like a lifetime and feels like it was yesterday at the same time. I'm really in a strange place of limbo right now. Sometimes I really want to have another baby and sometimes I am too scared something will go wrong. My pregnancies with my first 2 boys weren't great - I had preterm labor with both and several other problems with Danner. Mark and I have been arguing over which one had the cord wrapped around them and it was Danner (he was right ;). I just found out it was wrapped around him twice and had a true knot in it! It is truly a miracle that he is alive. I don't know how I didn't know that before. If things had been perfect with both, I probably wouldn't hesitate, but they weren't. Then I start thinking about how fast they are growing up, my baby just turned 5! I just can't believe I'm a mom to big boys now. It's a little sad. So I don't know what's next - a baby would be nice, especially if it was alive.
6 months down . . .
6 months down . . .
Friday, August 8, 2008
6 months
Just giving an updated website for the Hopes and Hearts Run, it is .org now http://www.hopeandheartsrun.org/texas
We are coming up on 6 months since we lost Tyler. It is funny how life has gotten back to normal, but thoughts of him are always running through my head. It is so difficult to lose a baby that you have never met, there are no happy memories and funny stories about them to get you through the rough times - only those bad memories of those fateful words and of bringing a dead baby into the world. All of the what if's, coulda shoulda woulda's are all that's left. Strange how life can feel like someone is missing that was never actually "here" to begin with.
Our dog Dixie had puppies yesterday and wouldn't you know, out of 10 she killed the one that Mark really wanted to keep.
We are coming up on 6 months since we lost Tyler. It is funny how life has gotten back to normal, but thoughts of him are always running through my head. It is so difficult to lose a baby that you have never met, there are no happy memories and funny stories about them to get you through the rough times - only those bad memories of those fateful words and of bringing a dead baby into the world. All of the what if's, coulda shoulda woulda's are all that's left. Strange how life can feel like someone is missing that was never actually "here" to begin with.
Our dog Dixie had puppies yesterday and wouldn't you know, out of 10 she killed the one that Mark really wanted to keep.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
More rambling
Man I really feel like an ass. Everytime someone asked me if I wanted a boy or a girl, my answer was that I didn't really want either one. I guess that's what I got. Tyler was a surprise and I was so stressed about how I would handle 3, where we would put a baby and all the stuff that comes along, and how our lives would be tied down for the next few years. All that on top of the fact that I had a horrible feeling about this pg.
Right now, I am trying to figure out why it is exactly that I want to have another baby, and why finding out that he may have been a girl made those feelings more intense. I had kind of made my peace with not having anymore, and now having another one is all I think about. I know it's not to replace Tyler, but am I trying to feel the void he left? Is it just that it was the track I was on and the direction I was heading before it got derailed. I want to make sure that if we do decide to try again that it's for the right reason - or is there a wrong reason? I don't know.
Right now, I am trying to figure out why it is exactly that I want to have another baby, and why finding out that he may have been a girl made those feelings more intense. I had kind of made my peace with not having anymore, and now having another one is all I think about. I know it's not to replace Tyler, but am I trying to feel the void he left? Is it just that it was the track I was on and the direction I was heading before it got derailed. I want to make sure that if we do decide to try again that it's for the right reason - or is there a wrong reason? I don't know.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Someone please reach out and slap me!
Ok, I did something really stupid. I made an appt with the high-risk Dr (that's not the stupid part) and my ob told me to make sure I had all the details together of my other pregnancies so we could lay it all out and know exactly what our risks and problems would be if we decided to get pg again. I called the hospital where I delivered the boys to get the records (I think one of them had the cord wrapped around his neck, but Mark and I don't agree on which one it was). Anyway, they said I could come look at the records for free and not have to pay all the fees for copies. So I went by there yesterday and they had forgotten to tell me that they would have to order the files from storage since it had been so long. Since I was there, I decided I would look at Tyer's file just to see what was in there (that's the stupid thing). I found out that he died at 15 weeks 3 days, I hadn't known that they knew exactly. Knowing the exact day he died is a little unsettling to me. I wonder what I was doing that day and if I did anything wrong. Luckily, I threw my calendar away a few months ago just so I wouldn't keep going back and try to figure out what went wrong. Also, he might have been a girl, not a boy! The pathology report said "external genitalia is indeterminate and most compatible with that of a female"! That really threw me for a loop! He's been a boy all this time, we can't just change that. Why would the Dr tell us it was a boy? I told Mark when I got home - I didn't want to tell him I went through the files, but I had to tell someone and that's not really something you call and tell your friends about! I felt better after talking to him about it though, he believes Dr Carrington and didn't seem too bothered about it.
Oh well just another unknown. Why does reading that make me want to have another baby again? I feel like I don't have anything to hold on with him (or her) anymore. Does that make any sense? uuuggghhhhh!
I do want to say thank you to everyone who reads my ramblings. I really appreciate the thoughts and comments you have shared here and other places. I love to hear that you are reading and it makes sense to you!
Oh well just another unknown. Why does reading that make me want to have another baby again? I feel like I don't have anything to hold on with him (or her) anymore. Does that make any sense? uuuggghhhhh!
I do want to say thank you to everyone who reads my ramblings. I really appreciate the thoughts and comments you have shared here and other places. I love to hear that you are reading and it makes sense to you!
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Hope and Hearts Run
We are participating in the Hope and Hearts run to benefit the Missing GRACE foundation. Missing GRACE Foundation's mission is to provide resources and support for families that have experienced: pregnancy loss, infant loss, infertility or adoption and to advocate for comprehensive, patient-focused prenatal care for all women. Five core areas encompass the heart of the mission: Grieve, Restore, Arise, Commemorate and Educate. I can't think of anything better to do in Tyler's memory and to make sure that this turns into a positive experience for our family. Please click on the FirstGiving Widget to donate. You can also visit my page at http://www.firstgiving.com/karashipman
Here's the site for the run (I'll be walking by the way) for more info http://hopeandheartsrun.com/texas/
Here's the site for the run (I'll be walking by the way) for more info http://hopeandheartsrun.com/texas/
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Tyler, I see you everywhere
I never realized that Tyler was such a common name! I have seen you:
* in a restaurant in Florida - your name was written on a light bulb!
* at Danner's flop class
* on the side of a pickup in Oklahoma
* on the lid of a candle
* in the birthday party catalog
* on bull riding
I really need to start taking pictures of these, but I keep thinking that this is so random that it will quit happening. It made me mad at first, but now it makes me smile.
Thanks Kristi for my new counter box - much much better!
* in a restaurant in Florida - your name was written on a light bulb!
* at Danner's flop class
* on the side of a pickup in Oklahoma
* on the lid of a candle
* in the birthday party catalog
* on bull riding
I really need to start taking pictures of these, but I keep thinking that this is so random that it will quit happening. It made me mad at first, but now it makes me smile.
Thanks Kristi for my new counter box - much much better!
Friday, July 18, 2008
Broken Hearts
I came across a CD set of lessons from Duane Sheriff (http://www.dsheriff.org/ cds are available for free) on "Healing Broken Hearts". These are notes off of 6 cds that I listened to and jotted down in the car so I hope they make sense. I am sharing this for 2 reasons, 1 is for me so I can remember and 2 I know that I am not the only one in DeadBabyMama Land to question God and how in the world He fits into this mess. I still have a lot of questions, but slowly He is leading me to the places where I can find some answers.
Definition of broken: crush completely, shatter to pieces, bruised deeply
Definition of heart: thoughts, minds, feelings
Prov 4:23 "Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life."
Prov 17:22 "A merry heart does good like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones"
Prov 14:30 " A sound heart is life to the body . . ."
Prov 15:13 "A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance, but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
You can't carry brokenness of heart and have a functional life. Unresolved brokenness can make you dysfunctional and affect you physically (aches and pains, anxiety, depression).
My heart was broken after Tyler died, really it was shattered. I couldn't move, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I was non-functioning for quite awhile. I was lost. It wasn't until I started looking for the good and searching for God that things began to get better.
How to get healed
Ps 34:18 " The Lord is near those who have a broken heart, and saves such as are crushed in spirit"
Ps 147:3 "He heals the broken hearted and binds up their sorrows"
Luke 4:18 "He has sent me to heal the broken hearted . . . "
Isaiah 61:1-8 "The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted . . . To comfort all who mourn, To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness . . ."
1. I must realize there is healthy (Godly) and unhealthy (worldly) sorrow
1 Thess 4:13-18 "But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus. . . Comfort one another with these words."
Worldy sorrow is destructive. Grief becomes a security blanket and stifles you
Godly sorrow works repentance or change, reminds us of the beauty of life, causes us to shuffle our priorities, and makes us sensitive to others.
2 cor 7:9 " . . . but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a Godly manner . . . For Godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted, but the sorrow of the world produces death."
I am not to sorrow as those who "have no hope", I will see Tyler again. There is a time to mourn, but it shouldn’t consume me
Eccl 3:1,2,4 "To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born and a time to die; a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance"
Eccl 7:1-8 the day of death is better than the day of your birth . . . Sorrow is better than laughter for by a sad countenance the heart is made better.
I know Tyler is so much better off in heaven than he would have been on earth. He is up there where it is perfect, peaceful and he will never have to know pain and sorrow.
2. I have to recognize that I am not alone.
Satan uses that trick to lock us into bondage "nobody understands". Others have been through anything I am going through. God brought them through and he will bring me through too. This is something that struck me b/c right after my loss, I had all these weird thoughts and I just knew something was wrong with me b/c I was thinking that way. I was so comforted to know that so many other women were thinking the exact same things. The devil wanted me to feel alone, isolated and broken.
1 Peter 5: 8-9 "Be sober, be vigilant, because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world."
3. I need to adopt the eternal view vs the worldly view
We can focus on our hurt and lose perspective. We let that hurt consume our life and then we interpret the rest of our life in light of our hurt. It's like looking in the different ends of binoculars - the object your looking at doesn't change, but the perspective does.I need to look at things that are eternal. The hurt and pain of this life will pass, but we will live in the glory of God for eternity.
Romans 8:18 "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that shall be revealed in us" Praise God! How great is His glory that it's greatness doesn't even compare to my suffering?!
2 Cor 4:17-18 "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things that are seen are temporary, but the things that are not seen are eternal."
4. God is not guilty - He did not do this to me
I really struggled with this one. I thought God caused this for some reason and that it was His will that I had dead baby. I thought He was trying to teach me a lesson, that He knew the future better than me and did it for a greater good, etc. God has nothing to do with the bad things that happen to us. He especially doesn't NEED any babies in heaven. That stuff is comforting for a little while until the resentment builds up. He IS in control, but isn’t controlling everything that happens to us. He allows things to happen that he doesn’t will. If you think He does it, how can you trust Him to heal you? He doesn’t do bad things as a “blessing in disguise” Curses on Israel weren’t blessings in disguise, they were punishment. Under Mosaic Law, God’s wrath was revealed, but Christ has redeemed us from the curse of the law. Jesus bore our sins and God’s wrath and punishment for our sins so God can be merciful to us. We are not under law any longer, we are under God’s grace. Faith works by love and when you are able to see God’s love for you and that he had nothing to do with the bad that you can embrace Him and He will embrace you and heal you.
John 10:10 “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come so that they might have life, and that they have it more abundantly.”
For example: a man has an affair on his wife. He repents and comes to God and as a result his marriage is better than it has ever been. God didn’t will him to sin, but when he repented and turned to God, He brought good out of it. Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.” God didn’t kill Tyler to bring me closer to Him, I turned my heart to God and He worked good out of that horrible situation.
1 Thess 5: 16-18 “ Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. There was a whole another post on this one
5. By Faith
2 Cor 1:3 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
Ps 30:2-5 “O Lord my God, I cried out to you, and you healed me. O Lord, You brought my soul up from the grave; You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit. Sing praise to the Lord . . . Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” I didn't know "the pit" was biblical!
It is ok to have a broken heart, especially over something as unnatural as losing a child, but God doesn't want us to stay broken. We can't be full of His spirit when we are broken. He wants to heal us and work good things through the bad, and bring up beauty from the ashes of our lives. In turn, He wants us to pass on the comfort He has given us to others who need it.
Praise God! I will always love and miss Tyler, but thank you for healing my brokenness and
thank you for being a God of comfort, love and mercy.
Definition of broken: crush completely, shatter to pieces, bruised deeply
Definition of heart: thoughts, minds, feelings
Prov 4:23 "Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life."
Prov 17:22 "A merry heart does good like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones"
Prov 14:30 " A sound heart is life to the body . . ."
Prov 15:13 "A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance, but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
You can't carry brokenness of heart and have a functional life. Unresolved brokenness can make you dysfunctional and affect you physically (aches and pains, anxiety, depression).
My heart was broken after Tyler died, really it was shattered. I couldn't move, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I was non-functioning for quite awhile. I was lost. It wasn't until I started looking for the good and searching for God that things began to get better.
How to get healed
Ps 34:18 " The Lord is near those who have a broken heart, and saves such as are crushed in spirit"
Ps 147:3 "He heals the broken hearted and binds up their sorrows"
Luke 4:18 "He has sent me to heal the broken hearted . . . "
Isaiah 61:1-8 "The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted . . . To comfort all who mourn, To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness . . ."
1. I must realize there is healthy (Godly) and unhealthy (worldly) sorrow
1 Thess 4:13-18 "But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus. . . Comfort one another with these words."
Worldy sorrow is destructive. Grief becomes a security blanket and stifles you
Godly sorrow works repentance or change, reminds us of the beauty of life, causes us to shuffle our priorities, and makes us sensitive to others.
2 cor 7:9 " . . . but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a Godly manner . . . For Godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted, but the sorrow of the world produces death."
I am not to sorrow as those who "have no hope", I will see Tyler again. There is a time to mourn, but it shouldn’t consume me
Eccl 3:1,2,4 "To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born and a time to die; a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance"
Eccl 7:1-8 the day of death is better than the day of your birth . . . Sorrow is better than laughter for by a sad countenance the heart is made better.
I know Tyler is so much better off in heaven than he would have been on earth. He is up there where it is perfect, peaceful and he will never have to know pain and sorrow.
2. I have to recognize that I am not alone.
Satan uses that trick to lock us into bondage "nobody understands". Others have been through anything I am going through. God brought them through and he will bring me through too. This is something that struck me b/c right after my loss, I had all these weird thoughts and I just knew something was wrong with me b/c I was thinking that way. I was so comforted to know that so many other women were thinking the exact same things. The devil wanted me to feel alone, isolated and broken.
1 Peter 5: 8-9 "Be sober, be vigilant, because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world."
3. I need to adopt the eternal view vs the worldly view
We can focus on our hurt and lose perspective. We let that hurt consume our life and then we interpret the rest of our life in light of our hurt. It's like looking in the different ends of binoculars - the object your looking at doesn't change, but the perspective does.I need to look at things that are eternal. The hurt and pain of this life will pass, but we will live in the glory of God for eternity.
Romans 8:18 "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that shall be revealed in us" Praise God! How great is His glory that it's greatness doesn't even compare to my suffering?!
2 Cor 4:17-18 "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things that are seen are temporary, but the things that are not seen are eternal."
4. God is not guilty - He did not do this to me
I really struggled with this one. I thought God caused this for some reason and that it was His will that I had dead baby. I thought He was trying to teach me a lesson, that He knew the future better than me and did it for a greater good, etc. God has nothing to do with the bad things that happen to us. He especially doesn't NEED any babies in heaven. That stuff is comforting for a little while until the resentment builds up. He IS in control, but isn’t controlling everything that happens to us. He allows things to happen that he doesn’t will. If you think He does it, how can you trust Him to heal you? He doesn’t do bad things as a “blessing in disguise” Curses on Israel weren’t blessings in disguise, they were punishment. Under Mosaic Law, God’s wrath was revealed, but Christ has redeemed us from the curse of the law. Jesus bore our sins and God’s wrath and punishment for our sins so God can be merciful to us. We are not under law any longer, we are under God’s grace. Faith works by love and when you are able to see God’s love for you and that he had nothing to do with the bad that you can embrace Him and He will embrace you and heal you.
John 10:10 “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come so that they might have life, and that they have it more abundantly.”
For example: a man has an affair on his wife. He repents and comes to God and as a result his marriage is better than it has ever been. God didn’t will him to sin, but when he repented and turned to God, He brought good out of it. Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.” God didn’t kill Tyler to bring me closer to Him, I turned my heart to God and He worked good out of that horrible situation.
1 Thess 5: 16-18 “ Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. There was a whole another post on this one
5. By Faith
2 Cor 1:3 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
Ps 30:2-5 “O Lord my God, I cried out to you, and you healed me. O Lord, You brought my soul up from the grave; You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit. Sing praise to the Lord . . . Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” I didn't know "the pit" was biblical!
It is ok to have a broken heart, especially over something as unnatural as losing a child, but God doesn't want us to stay broken. We can't be full of His spirit when we are broken. He wants to heal us and work good things through the bad, and bring up beauty from the ashes of our lives. In turn, He wants us to pass on the comfort He has given us to others who need it.
Praise God! I will always love and miss Tyler, but thank you for healing my brokenness and
thank you for being a God of comfort, love and mercy.
limbo
I don't really know what to say, so I am just typing and hoping something will pop up. I lay in bed at night and process everything and think of stuff I want to write, but then when I get up in the morning I can't remember.
Right now I am still in the limbo of "to try again" or "to not try again". I woke up a couple of weeks ago and felt like I was really ok with not having another baby. My boys are more than a handful, they are just starting to be independent, we can go out and do fun things together, babies are exhausting, I don't know if I can handle 3 and I know that Mark really doesn't want another one. Then, the boys start asking when we are going to have a baby and talk about how much they want one. I was filling out a medical history for Danner yesterday and it was asking about birthweight, Apgar scores and developmental milestones so I got out the baby books. The boys and I sat down and looked at all their newborn baby pictures - probably not the smartest choice! Every month a few days before AF, the anxiety sets it and I start to hope that maybe I am pg even though we are not trying and I know that I'm not. It's driving me crazy!
Here are the God questions I am working on right now - I know that God didn't cause this (I need to post on that later, but it's a long one) but why didn't he prevent it? I prayed for a full term healthy baby and I truly had faith that it would happen. It didn't. We can pray for healing, but why is it that sometimes He doesn't heal?
The Bible says he will give you the desires of your heart and what you ask for in prayer which leads to a whole another set of questions. I have met so many women that have prayed and prayed and want nothing more than to have another baby, but haven't.
I know God will help me find answers to these questions just like he has to all the other ones I've had, but I just thought I'd share them with you and see if anyone has any input.
Right now I am still in the limbo of "to try again" or "to not try again". I woke up a couple of weeks ago and felt like I was really ok with not having another baby. My boys are more than a handful, they are just starting to be independent, we can go out and do fun things together, babies are exhausting, I don't know if I can handle 3 and I know that Mark really doesn't want another one. Then, the boys start asking when we are going to have a baby and talk about how much they want one. I was filling out a medical history for Danner yesterday and it was asking about birthweight, Apgar scores and developmental milestones so I got out the baby books. The boys and I sat down and looked at all their newborn baby pictures - probably not the smartest choice! Every month a few days before AF, the anxiety sets it and I start to hope that maybe I am pg even though we are not trying and I know that I'm not. It's driving me crazy!
Here are the God questions I am working on right now - I know that God didn't cause this (I need to post on that later, but it's a long one) but why didn't he prevent it? I prayed for a full term healthy baby and I truly had faith that it would happen. It didn't. We can pray for healing, but why is it that sometimes He doesn't heal?
The Bible says he will give you the desires of your heart and what you ask for in prayer which leads to a whole another set of questions. I have met so many women that have prayed and prayed and want nothing more than to have another baby, but haven't.
I know God will help me find answers to these questions just like he has to all the other ones I've had, but I just thought I'd share them with you and see if anyone has any input.
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