3 years

I can't believe it's been 3 years! On one hand it seems like yesterday, and on the other hand, it feels like another lifetime. (I think I say that every year, but it is so true!) I guess it kind of was another lifetime, I have changed in so many ways since that day. I never imagined this day would come - where I would be ok again. I still miss him every day but it's not crippling like it was for so long. I am so very thankful to God because I know I will hold him again someday and we will be together forever. I can't wait to hold him in my arms.

I knew I hadn't blogged in a long time, but I didn't realize there were only a couple of posts last year! There is so much on my mind, but it's so hard to take the time to just stop and reflect sometimes. It takes a lot of energy to sit down and get it all out, and frankly I just haven't had it in me.

One song I want to add to my playlist is Kenny Chesney's "Who You'd Be Today". I often wonder what it would be like if he was here. If he would look like me like Ranger and Danner do or if he would look like Mark like Gunner does. I wonder if he'd be quiet and calm (ha!) or a rootin' tootin' stinker like his brothers. We talk a lot about how crazy it would be if we still had Tyler and Gunner! I truly believe that losing him saved my soul. I have learned a lot about trusting and seeking God, but I wish it wouldn't have taken the loss of a child to do that.

Another song whose lyrics touch me is Faith Hill's "Everywhere I Am There You'll Be":

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky,

In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life

I'll keep a part of you with me

And everywhere I am there you'll be

Happy Birthday sweet boy, we miss you every day. Gunner even likes to look at your picture in the mornings!

Christmas

It's that time of year again. I don't know why Christmas is so emotional for me. Hanging his ornament on the tree is probably the most difficult moment of the year. I bought us all personalized ornaments this year and of course I got him one too.
Danner takes his star ornament off the tree, rubs it and talks about how much he wishes his brother was still here. It's heartbreaking but at the same time I am so happy that he remembers.
Even though it may seem that we've forgotten, we never have and we never will. We've just had to accept that this is our how our life is and keep on living it. Thank God for His peace and comfort that makes that possible.
Merry Christmas to all of you!


-- Posted from my iPhone

Good Thought

We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way. ~ Author unknown

This was too good not to share! I know I've been guilty of the "why me's" Why not me? I have so much I need to blog about, just can't find the time to sit down and go "there". With Tyler's birthday rapidly approaching I'm sure it won't be long before it all spills out!


-- Posted from my iPhone

Whoa

I got out the rest of the ornaments for our tree today and when I came across Tyler's, I had a total breakdown. He should be here, there should be more to him than just an ornament on the tree. I couldn't even hang it up - Ranger did it for me. I don't know where this came from, I usually don't think about it that way but it had hit me really hard this year that he's not here.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Abiding Hope Collage

Thanks Franchesca!! I love it! I have great plans for this, now I just need to figure out how to do it! haha Check her out at Abiding Hope Collages She makes these in memory of her sweet daughter Jenna Belle.

Hello again

I know it's been forever since I have blogged. I have so much I've wanted to say but just haven't had the time to sit down and go there. My Grandmommy's death has affected me a lot more that I expected. Just in that funky place of not being able to handle any crap. Anyway, I was in the Apple store getting my phone fixed today and the lady next to me was having problems with the pictures on her computer. I look up and see a picture that was obviously a dead baby. It caught me so off guard and I can't even put words to the feelings I had. She must have been a photographer b/c she was very nonchalant about it and it just didn't seem like it was hers. I wanted so much to talk to her and hear the story and tell her how precious those pictures would always be to the mom. But, of course, I didn't. I was already a mess and I knew I couldn't talk to her without crying but I really wish I could have. Just a really odd thing to be going about your day and encounter something like that.


-- Post From My iPhone

Article

I just read this on msn and thought I'd share
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32659135/ns/today-today_health/

Guilt/Anxiety

I had my tub.es tied 2 weeks ago and I feel so horrible for doing it. I don't regret it at all but there are so many of my friends who want babies so bad and aren't getting them. It's not fair. I'm somewhat embarrassed. It's one of those things that will jab someones hurting heart and I hate it. But I guess it's better than the jab would be if I got pg again and had a nervous breakdown over it! Then I found out that all this time I've only had 1 tube and the good one had endome.triosis and other stuff on it. All 4 of my kids were miracles (I already knew that in other ways). I don't think there's any way I should have gotten pg so easy. Why did I get 4 when all some people want is 1? know this probably doesn't make any sense but I had to get it off my chest. I guess I'm feeling something kind of like survivors guilt and an embarrassment of riches.
The reason I had it done can be summed up in 1 word- anxiety. I lived in constant fear of getting pg again and I just can't do it again. Anxiety seems to be my new friend these days whether it's over me, my kids, my husband or friends. I have 2 close irl friends and a bloggy friend that are pg and I am literally sick when I think about them and hoping that they are ok. Man, I need to get a grip! Life is wonderful don't get me wrong, this is just my place to let out all the deep dark stuff. Please check in on the happy side too www.shipmankids.blogspot.com


-- Post From My iPhone

Bits and Pieces

Wow! This scripure was the Daily E-votional today and it really jumped out at me.

Isaiah 30:20-21
“Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’ ”

In the days/weeks/months and now year since Tyler has been gone the Lord has really guided me. There are so many times that I had questions, doubts, or just needed encouragement He sent someone or something right into my path that was exactly what I needed. He used the Daily E-votionals, blog friends, songs, verses, sermons and friends to lead me in the way He wanted me to go. I am very blessed and thankful to be where I am today and that He opened my eyes to what He wanted me to see.

I think Gunner sees Tyler. No I'm not crazy. I believe in angels (I don't believe Tyler is an angel) and spirits. In working with special needs kids all these years, I am convinced that they see things that we can't - not in a supernatural ghost kind of way but a spiritual way. Anyway, there are times that Gunner looks off to nowhere and will smile and laugh a huge laugh. I think it's from his brother.

All the boys were in bed with me this morning - Ranger and Danner love coming in to see Gunner in the mornings. He is so happy and talkative then and the boys eat it up. This morning out of nowhere Ranger said "I'm glad Gunner didn't die!" Me too Ranger, me too.

Please pray for my friend Hannah. She lost a precious girl last year and is now pregnant with another baby girl that is not going to make it. I cannot express with words how I ache for what she's going through. It's completely devastating and so not fair. Keep her and her family in your thoughts please.

Just Wondering . . .

We spent the 4th at the lake with Mark's family and the group of babies that would have been Tylers age. There are 3 babies that were around the same age as Tyler would have been - 1 born the day after he was and 1 that was born right around the time he would have been. Those girls have brought more joy to my heart and I love to see them. This sounds creepier than it is, but it's like I get to see Tyler grow up through them. I still can't help but wonder what he would've been like - would he have been like Lily with the huge personality, or quiet and timid like Molly, or just laid back and cuddly like Klaire? Would he have been like Gunner? It's not with sadness that I wonder but more of a curiosity about him. I miss him everyday, but I am also so in love with Gunner. Those things are like oil and water it seems like. They are so conflicting and its weird and almost impossible to feel them at the same time.
Sunday is the day that was his due date and I'm surprised at how emotional this month has been for me. February is my time to remember and celebrate him and anyway, if he had lived, he wouldn't have been born in July. I wonder if the beginning of July will always suck. It's not a conscious thing, it's like my mind and body just know- kind of like the first several months they remembered before I did that it was a Thursday or a Monday.
Oh and I've solved the mystery of what to call the day the baby died - Heaven Day (I admit that I didn't make that up, I stole it from someone else but I can't remember who). It sure beats "dead baby day" and "angelversary". It may still offend the few that don't believe in heaven, but they're on their own, it's the best I can come up with! It may just be me, but I feel a huge relief to have a name for it, now if Hallmark only had a card . . .