No earth-shattering revelations today. I have realized that I have nothing to wear! I had a wedding shower to go to today and I knew what I was going to wear until I went in the closet this morning and it was gone! I had forgotten that when I was pregnant, I felt so fat that I cleaned out my closet and threw a ton of stuff out that I was convinced I would never fit into again. Now, here I am with nothing to wear.
See, I told you it was nothing earth shattering!
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Grace
Last weekend, I saw the new babies in our family for the first time. 2 of our cousins had babies after Tyler was born (one was born the next day!). I was really worried about how hard it would be for me to see and hold them, but when I saw them, held them and looked at their sweet faces, I felt nothing but joy, happiness, and thanks for them. It was not at all like I was expecting it to be!
The next night, Donna talked me in to going to the mall with her and Kala to get Kala's glasses fixed. When I got in the backseat of her car, I sat on a box of cd's, and being nosy like I am, I picked them up to see what she had. It was a set on Grace from Duane Sheriff - a pastor in Ok who is really good. I told her I needed to hear that so she let me borrow them. It is so funny how God brings you the things you want to hear. It has really opened my eyes to the things God is doing for me. A friend just blogged about grace and I see that my e-votional for tomorrow is about grace!
Grace is the ability that God gives us to do or be what we cannot do with our own human ability. God's grace is what allowed me to feel love and not pain when I saw Lily and Molly. God's grace has given me this strange sense of peace and acceptance I have had about losing Tyler. I have lost count of the weeks and Thursdays and Mondays have passed without me noticing - and I am ok with all of that!
2 Corinthians 12:9 Jesus told Paul "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." I have read and heard this a million times and it's nothing I really stopped to understand. When we are weak, we don't have our own power to overcome. God's grace gives us the perfect strength to overcome our weakness. Our weakness can be grief, doubt, sin, or even our struggles to be a godly wife and mother. I know that this peace and motivation I have had has been from God. There is no other explanation for why I have scrubbed the grout in the bathroom floor, painted the boys' room, bought and assmbled their bunkbeds and cooked dinner just this week. I asked God for the grace to be a better wife and mother because I don't do a very good job of it on my own. Now I understand about feeling joy in suffering - it makes me thing of the poem "Footprints in the Sand". I know that God is carrying me through this.
I am not one to talk about God, I actually had lost touch with him for a long time. I think that is why this is so exciting for me to see him working in this situation and I just want to share it with everyone. 1 Corinthians 15:10 "But by the grace of God I am what I am . . .yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me."
Thank you God for your amazing grace, for blessing me with Tyler, and for easing the pain of his loss.
The next night, Donna talked me in to going to the mall with her and Kala to get Kala's glasses fixed. When I got in the backseat of her car, I sat on a box of cd's, and being nosy like I am, I picked them up to see what she had. It was a set on Grace from Duane Sheriff - a pastor in Ok who is really good. I told her I needed to hear that so she let me borrow them. It is so funny how God brings you the things you want to hear. It has really opened my eyes to the things God is doing for me. A friend just blogged about grace and I see that my e-votional for tomorrow is about grace!
Grace is the ability that God gives us to do or be what we cannot do with our own human ability. God's grace is what allowed me to feel love and not pain when I saw Lily and Molly. God's grace has given me this strange sense of peace and acceptance I have had about losing Tyler. I have lost count of the weeks and Thursdays and Mondays have passed without me noticing - and I am ok with all of that!
2 Corinthians 12:9 Jesus told Paul "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." I have read and heard this a million times and it's nothing I really stopped to understand. When we are weak, we don't have our own power to overcome. God's grace gives us the perfect strength to overcome our weakness. Our weakness can be grief, doubt, sin, or even our struggles to be a godly wife and mother. I know that this peace and motivation I have had has been from God. There is no other explanation for why I have scrubbed the grout in the bathroom floor, painted the boys' room, bought and assmbled their bunkbeds and cooked dinner just this week. I asked God for the grace to be a better wife and mother because I don't do a very good job of it on my own. Now I understand about feeling joy in suffering - it makes me thing of the poem "Footprints in the Sand". I know that God is carrying me through this.
I am not one to talk about God, I actually had lost touch with him for a long time. I think that is why this is so exciting for me to see him working in this situation and I just want to share it with everyone. 1 Corinthians 15:10 "But by the grace of God I am what I am . . .yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me."
Thank you God for your amazing grace, for blessing me with Tyler, and for easing the pain of his loss.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Sunshine
The sun is shining in my heart today and I am feeling it's warmth. I can't describe the feeling, but everything is right in my world today. It's more than just peace, it's sunny. This verse has been on my heart today Song of Solomon 2:11 "See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone." The clouds and storms may pass over me again, but for now they are over and gone and I am so thankful for that!
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Thank you God
Sunday, I read the stories of 2 precious babies; Ethan lost his battle with cancer, and his friend Sully is fighting for his life. Their parents have been so strong and faithful through their trials and as much as their lives and struggles have been a blessing to their families, all I could think is "thank you God that Tyler didn't have to suffer through anything like that" I know that God is at work in their lives and their families are thankful to have had them even for a short time and I don't want to take anything away from that, but I am so so thankful that Tyler is in heaven and not suffering here on this earth. Thank you God and bless Ethan and give comfort and healing to Sully if it's your will.
Friday, April 4, 2008
The God of Hope
I have gone to church all my life and have been a Christian since I was in my early teens, but I am just now starting to understand what it means to have a relationship with God. I know all about grace, hope, mercy and all that stuff, but I didn't understand it because I had never felt it. God had to let me hang myself a few times when I was younger to get my attention and to get me to look back to Him for guidance, but I have never felt Him speak to me like he has through this journey of loss.
The whole time I was pg with Tyler, the verse from Romans 8:28 was always in my mind: "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to his purpose." I just thought it was about the baby being a boy or a girl and that God knew which one our family needed. Little did I know what was in store for us and that He was speaking to me and giving me a tool to make it through what was to come.
After Tyler died, I have had a lot of questions about God and His will for me. Did he cause this? Did Satan do it? Did he just set nature in motion and let it take it's course? If I want His will for me, why should I ask Him to bless me with another baby? If I ask, is that not being submissive to His will? When people die, I have never been one to ask "why?", I understand cancer and physical things happen to our bodies just as a part of life, but the death of an unborn baby makes no sense. Why does He allow this to happen?
I had prayed before this that God would bring our family closer together, is this a case of "be careful what you ask for, you just might get it?"
Psalm 37:4-5 says "Delight yourself also in the Lord, and he shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." At first, I thought I could just give it to God and he would give me my desire to have a healthy live baby, but then I thought about the wonderful ladies who never get that even when they love God and believe in Him. What if it's His will for me not to have another?
God has spoken to me through a lot of you, and through a notebook I used to keep when I was younger with all the verses that somehow touched my heart and compelled me to write them down. I kept wanting to go talk to our Pastor so he could answer these questions for me, but it never worked out where I could. I realized today that this is something God wants me to study and find my own way, I feel like that is why he has blessed me with so many of you to help me discover the answers to my questions.
Here are my conclusions:
1. God knows what is best for us. He can see the "big" picture that I cannot see. As horrible as this has been, He may have saved us from something much worse. Good has come from this - my marriage has been blessed, we are closer than we have ever been, and I have an understanding of God and what it means to seek Him and trust in Him.
2. God tells us to ask for what we want. Phillipians 3:6-7 says " Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Jesus prayed before his death "Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours be done." I have chosen to ask God for the desires of my heart, but that I will accept His will
3. God did not DO this TO me.
4. God can take the most horrible pain and worst thing that can happen, and cause good things to come out of it
5. There are many things I still don't understand, but I do know that God knows what He is doing and I just have to trust Him. Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths"
I know this is long, but one reason I started this blog, is to talk about this journey God has lead me on. I was done journaling about the actual experience and thought I had nothing left to say, but He is speaking to me so clearly, through your words, songs on the radio, and His word that I had to write it all down. It's too much to keep in my mind. I promise my next posts won't be an entire novel!
With all that said, yes, I did find my joy. This song popped into my head today based on Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." As I trust in Him, God will filll me with joy and peace so much that it will overflow. How wonderful that is!
The whole time I was pg with Tyler, the verse from Romans 8:28 was always in my mind: "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to his purpose." I just thought it was about the baby being a boy or a girl and that God knew which one our family needed. Little did I know what was in store for us and that He was speaking to me and giving me a tool to make it through what was to come.
After Tyler died, I have had a lot of questions about God and His will for me. Did he cause this? Did Satan do it? Did he just set nature in motion and let it take it's course? If I want His will for me, why should I ask Him to bless me with another baby? If I ask, is that not being submissive to His will? When people die, I have never been one to ask "why?", I understand cancer and physical things happen to our bodies just as a part of life, but the death of an unborn baby makes no sense. Why does He allow this to happen?
I had prayed before this that God would bring our family closer together, is this a case of "be careful what you ask for, you just might get it?"
Psalm 37:4-5 says "Delight yourself also in the Lord, and he shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." At first, I thought I could just give it to God and he would give me my desire to have a healthy live baby, but then I thought about the wonderful ladies who never get that even when they love God and believe in Him. What if it's His will for me not to have another?
God has spoken to me through a lot of you, and through a notebook I used to keep when I was younger with all the verses that somehow touched my heart and compelled me to write them down. I kept wanting to go talk to our Pastor so he could answer these questions for me, but it never worked out where I could. I realized today that this is something God wants me to study and find my own way, I feel like that is why he has blessed me with so many of you to help me discover the answers to my questions.
Here are my conclusions:
1. God knows what is best for us. He can see the "big" picture that I cannot see. As horrible as this has been, He may have saved us from something much worse. Good has come from this - my marriage has been blessed, we are closer than we have ever been, and I have an understanding of God and what it means to seek Him and trust in Him.
2. God tells us to ask for what we want. Phillipians 3:6-7 says " Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Jesus prayed before his death "Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours be done." I have chosen to ask God for the desires of my heart, but that I will accept His will
3. God did not DO this TO me.
4. God can take the most horrible pain and worst thing that can happen, and cause good things to come out of it
5. There are many things I still don't understand, but I do know that God knows what He is doing and I just have to trust Him. Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths"
I know this is long, but one reason I started this blog, is to talk about this journey God has lead me on. I was done journaling about the actual experience and thought I had nothing left to say, but He is speaking to me so clearly, through your words, songs on the radio, and His word that I had to write it all down. It's too much to keep in my mind. I promise my next posts won't be an entire novel!
With all that said, yes, I did find my joy. This song popped into my head today based on Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." As I trust in Him, God will filll me with joy and peace so much that it will overflow. How wonderful that is!
Thursday, April 3, 2008
"Normal"
I read this on one of the Babycenter threads, and it really spoke to me:
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age they would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my babies.
Normal is making sure that others remember them.
Normal is that everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.
Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have 1 child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.
Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.
And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age they would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my babies.
Normal is making sure that others remember them.
Normal is that everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.
Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have 1 child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.
Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.
And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
I've lost my joy - have you seen it?
I thought that last (week 4) post would be the end of my journal. Things were getting better and I thought I was getting through this. I don't know how to describe the feeling I'm having right now - I'm not sad, angry, or questioning anymore. I am at peace. I feel pretty normal while I'm out and about, but when I get home, I feel blah. I don't want to get up in the morning, I don't want to do laundry, cook, clean or anything else. I still do what has to be done for my family, but I would rather sit here and do nothing. I guess these are all the things I've been forcing myself to do for the last 2 months so I don't get why I've lost my motivation all of the sudden. God keeps putting songs about joy in my heart, so I've figured out that my joy is lost.
"I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart" and "j-o-y down in my heart, deep deep down in my heart" It must be hiding way down in there somewhere!
"I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart" and "j-o-y down in my heart, deep deep down in my heart" It must be hiding way down in there somewhere!
Friday March 21, 2008
This is a copy of a post I have on my blog about my boys:
I have had some revelations lately about Tyler. A dear friend I have met online shared a devotional with me about faith. Here are a few quotes:
"If we as believers must have things proven to us before we chose to believe, it is not faith but the result of our rational action. True faith demands that we walk by faith because of what we read in God’s Word. God says it---I believe it---that’s good enough for me."
"What is the impossible thing in your life that dominates your life? Let me tell you that you have three choices: 1. You can try to solve the problem with your own abilities and continue with the conflict you now are experiencing. 2. You can place it in the hands of the Lord, but still keep your focus on the impossible situation. 3. You can place it in His hands and then keep your eyes on Him."
"The Lord knows our present situation as well as what lies ahead for us. One of our biggest problems is that we spend too much time looking at our personal situation instead of looking to the One who is able to control our situations."
This really touched me and seemed to go with the verse that God has put on my heart, even before I knew Tyler was gone. Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God". Like the devo says "God says it, I believe it and that's enough for me." I will never know why this happened, but I know that God does and I trust that it was a good reason. I have realized that there are many worse things that could have happened. Maybe God took Tyler when he did to protect us from something worse. I have chosen to be thankful to God for being in control of my life and thankful for the blessing that Tyler has been to all of us. I had put this in God's hands, but I couldn't take my eyes off my pain. I am now looking to God for comfort and guidance. I feel at peace - I know Tyler is in heaven with God and that he won't ever have to suffer the pain of this world that Ranger and Danner will. That is something to be thankful for.
Sorry this was so long, but it was something I feel like I needed to share.
Thank you Kristi for sharing this with me.
I have had some revelations lately about Tyler. A dear friend I have met online shared a devotional with me about faith. Here are a few quotes:
"If we as believers must have things proven to us before we chose to believe, it is not faith but the result of our rational action. True faith demands that we walk by faith because of what we read in God’s Word. God says it---I believe it---that’s good enough for me."
"What is the impossible thing in your life that dominates your life? Let me tell you that you have three choices: 1. You can try to solve the problem with your own abilities and continue with the conflict you now are experiencing. 2. You can place it in the hands of the Lord, but still keep your focus on the impossible situation. 3. You can place it in His hands and then keep your eyes on Him."
"The Lord knows our present situation as well as what lies ahead for us. One of our biggest problems is that we spend too much time looking at our personal situation instead of looking to the One who is able to control our situations."
This really touched me and seemed to go with the verse that God has put on my heart, even before I knew Tyler was gone. Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God". Like the devo says "God says it, I believe it and that's enough for me." I will never know why this happened, but I know that God does and I trust that it was a good reason. I have realized that there are many worse things that could have happened. Maybe God took Tyler when he did to protect us from something worse. I have chosen to be thankful to God for being in control of my life and thankful for the blessing that Tyler has been to all of us. I had put this in God's hands, but I couldn't take my eyes off my pain. I am now looking to God for comfort and guidance. I feel at peace - I know Tyler is in heaven with God and that he won't ever have to suffer the pain of this world that Ranger and Danner will. That is something to be thankful for.
Sorry this was so long, but it was something I feel like I needed to share.
Thank you Kristi for sharing this with me.
Week 4
Tuesday March 4
I made up my mind that I was going to have another good day today. I went and worked up at school then I thought I would go look at cars or something. I went to Mark’s office to use the computer b/c I knew if I went home and got on the computer, I would never get up. I looked up on his bulletin board and he had written Tyler’s name on a piece of paper and hung it up there. It meant so much to me and I don’t really know why. I guess it really helped me feel like Tyler was real and he means as much to Mark as he does to me.
Donna texted me a picture of baby Molly that wasn’t very good. It looked like she had no upper lip. I called Donna b/c I was worried something was wrong with her and she didn’t answer. I figured she was in class or something and didn’t think much of it. This afternoon she hadn’t called me back so I called her. She called me right back and whispered that she was at the hospital. I asked her if everything was ok and she said she’d call me when she got out. Well of course, my mind starting racing and thinking of all the things that were wrong with Lori and the baby and how nobody was calling me b/c they didn’t want to tell me. I thought they had been at the hospital all day and on and on and on. Anyway, they are fine, Donna was at the hospital doing her rotation for class and she wasn’t supposed to have her phone on! Ok so maybe I’m still a mess.
Wed March 5
I thought I was going to have a day where I didn’t have anything to write about - I guess that’s what I get for thinking! After I picked up Ranger, we went to Lowe’s to get a key made and ended up wandering around. On the curtain aisle, there was a girl who was like 55 months pg. I just hurried past her and tried not to look. She had a little boy in her cart that started “talking” to the boys so they stopped and waved and talked to him. I made it through that pretty good then we went on to carpet. We were talking to the saleslady and the boy comes walking up pointing and talking to the boys. It turns out to be her 16 month old grandson. He plays in the carpets with the boys and Danner was so sweet to him. She starts telling me that her daughter is having a homebirth and all I can think is “Is she crazy? What if something happens?“ but I managed just to nod and “uh huh oh yeah that’s great” while she’s talking. She comments on how good Danner is to him and she starts telling me how I really need to have another one and asked had I ever considered another one and on and on and on. I was just nervous Danner was going to say something about our baby being dead or something, but he didn’t. I was so ready to get out of there, but I am having my good day and I’m not going to have a breakdown.
Then, last night Donna gave me the idea of doing the boys handprints and putting them with Tyler’s. I thought I could photocopy his to use b/c I don’t want to use his originals. We went to Mark’s office and the copier couldn’t copy them dark enough (they aren’t real great to begin with). It took everything I had not to bawl right there. I just want a copy of his damn crappy handprints! Is that too much to ask? Evidently today it is. I can’t imagine a place where I can walk in with my dead baby’s tiny handprints and make a good copy of them without looking like a total lunatic! Well crap, at least I am making myself have a good day, or I would be under the covers already!
Fri March 7
I was working in Ranger’s classroom today when Mrs Fritz did roll call. She told them to answer with their brother or sister’s name. Ranger ran over to me and asked me if he could say Tyler. I told him of course he could and he was so proud to say his name when she called on him. It really surprised me b/c Ranger doesn’t really say much about him.
Had the blahs this afternoon, I don’t know what it is about Friday’s
Sat March 8
The boys and I spent all day cleaning up the house for Keeno. It feels good to have a clean house, but I am worn out. It was nice having everyone over and having a little fun, but I didn’t really feel like myself. It was kinda like when your head is stopped up and you don’t feel all there. I don’t know, it just wasn’t me. After a couple of rounds, I was bored and didn’t really care anymore. Then I drug out my box for Julia, Cyndi and Sherri. I wish sometimes I would just keep my big mouth shut. I always say things around them that I wish I didn’t.
Sun March 9
I went to sleep last night and slept good all by myself! I was so tired last night, I figured it was a good night to try it w/o Ambien. I feel like that is a huge step forward.
Monday March 10
It has been 4 weeks today since little Tyler was born. I’m not sad so much about losing him now - I know he’s in a better place. I think what I’m feeling is more trauma from the whole experience - from looking at that screen and realizing he was gone, knowing I had been carrying a dead baby and didn’t even know, delivering a dead baby, the wild hormone swings and body changes, and all the what if’s and not really knowing what happened.
I knew something was wrong. On Brothers and Sisters, when Kitty lost her baby, I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I knew it would happen to me. I told Mark one night that I just didn’t feel like this was going to happen. All I could pray is that whatever did happen, God would use it for something good. I was in such shock at my 8 wk u/s when everything was ok, because I was sure there would be no hb. That makes it hard for me to believe that it was just a cord accident. How would my mind know 7 weeks before that it would happen? I will always wonder if there was something else wrong with him.
Should we try to have another baby? If we do, will this happen again? What if something was wrong with him, is that a risk we want to run? My heart and my body want to have a baby, I just don’t know if my mind is on board. It knows the risks, to me and to the baby. I know I should be thankful for the 2 wonderful boys I have and I am, now it just feels like something is missing.
I wonder how long this will last - is this how I’m going to feel forever? Is this my new normal? I hate feeling like this. I hate the waves of sadness that hit out of the blue. I want to feel happy and ok again, not just hit and miss, but all the time. I’m exhausted by the little things and irritable. I laid in bed last night and was wondering why I was feeling so down, then I realized it was 4 weeks ago today. How does my mind know that? I wish it would quit. I’m tired of counting the weeks and days. I’m tired of this whole mess.
I made up my mind that I was going to have another good day today. I went and worked up at school then I thought I would go look at cars or something. I went to Mark’s office to use the computer b/c I knew if I went home and got on the computer, I would never get up. I looked up on his bulletin board and he had written Tyler’s name on a piece of paper and hung it up there. It meant so much to me and I don’t really know why. I guess it really helped me feel like Tyler was real and he means as much to Mark as he does to me.
Donna texted me a picture of baby Molly that wasn’t very good. It looked like she had no upper lip. I called Donna b/c I was worried something was wrong with her and she didn’t answer. I figured she was in class or something and didn’t think much of it. This afternoon she hadn’t called me back so I called her. She called me right back and whispered that she was at the hospital. I asked her if everything was ok and she said she’d call me when she got out. Well of course, my mind starting racing and thinking of all the things that were wrong with Lori and the baby and how nobody was calling me b/c they didn’t want to tell me. I thought they had been at the hospital all day and on and on and on. Anyway, they are fine, Donna was at the hospital doing her rotation for class and she wasn’t supposed to have her phone on! Ok so maybe I’m still a mess.
Wed March 5
I thought I was going to have a day where I didn’t have anything to write about - I guess that’s what I get for thinking! After I picked up Ranger, we went to Lowe’s to get a key made and ended up wandering around. On the curtain aisle, there was a girl who was like 55 months pg. I just hurried past her and tried not to look. She had a little boy in her cart that started “talking” to the boys so they stopped and waved and talked to him. I made it through that pretty good then we went on to carpet. We were talking to the saleslady and the boy comes walking up pointing and talking to the boys. It turns out to be her 16 month old grandson. He plays in the carpets with the boys and Danner was so sweet to him. She starts telling me that her daughter is having a homebirth and all I can think is “Is she crazy? What if something happens?“ but I managed just to nod and “uh huh oh yeah that’s great” while she’s talking. She comments on how good Danner is to him and she starts telling me how I really need to have another one and asked had I ever considered another one and on and on and on. I was just nervous Danner was going to say something about our baby being dead or something, but he didn’t. I was so ready to get out of there, but I am having my good day and I’m not going to have a breakdown.
Then, last night Donna gave me the idea of doing the boys handprints and putting them with Tyler’s. I thought I could photocopy his to use b/c I don’t want to use his originals. We went to Mark’s office and the copier couldn’t copy them dark enough (they aren’t real great to begin with). It took everything I had not to bawl right there. I just want a copy of his damn crappy handprints! Is that too much to ask? Evidently today it is. I can’t imagine a place where I can walk in with my dead baby’s tiny handprints and make a good copy of them without looking like a total lunatic! Well crap, at least I am making myself have a good day, or I would be under the covers already!
Fri March 7
I was working in Ranger’s classroom today when Mrs Fritz did roll call. She told them to answer with their brother or sister’s name. Ranger ran over to me and asked me if he could say Tyler. I told him of course he could and he was so proud to say his name when she called on him. It really surprised me b/c Ranger doesn’t really say much about him.
Had the blahs this afternoon, I don’t know what it is about Friday’s
Sat March 8
The boys and I spent all day cleaning up the house for Keeno. It feels good to have a clean house, but I am worn out. It was nice having everyone over and having a little fun, but I didn’t really feel like myself. It was kinda like when your head is stopped up and you don’t feel all there. I don’t know, it just wasn’t me. After a couple of rounds, I was bored and didn’t really care anymore. Then I drug out my box for Julia, Cyndi and Sherri. I wish sometimes I would just keep my big mouth shut. I always say things around them that I wish I didn’t.
Sun March 9
I went to sleep last night and slept good all by myself! I was so tired last night, I figured it was a good night to try it w/o Ambien. I feel like that is a huge step forward.
Monday March 10
It has been 4 weeks today since little Tyler was born. I’m not sad so much about losing him now - I know he’s in a better place. I think what I’m feeling is more trauma from the whole experience - from looking at that screen and realizing he was gone, knowing I had been carrying a dead baby and didn’t even know, delivering a dead baby, the wild hormone swings and body changes, and all the what if’s and not really knowing what happened.
I knew something was wrong. On Brothers and Sisters, when Kitty lost her baby, I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I knew it would happen to me. I told Mark one night that I just didn’t feel like this was going to happen. All I could pray is that whatever did happen, God would use it for something good. I was in such shock at my 8 wk u/s when everything was ok, because I was sure there would be no hb. That makes it hard for me to believe that it was just a cord accident. How would my mind know 7 weeks before that it would happen? I will always wonder if there was something else wrong with him.
Should we try to have another baby? If we do, will this happen again? What if something was wrong with him, is that a risk we want to run? My heart and my body want to have a baby, I just don’t know if my mind is on board. It knows the risks, to me and to the baby. I know I should be thankful for the 2 wonderful boys I have and I am, now it just feels like something is missing.
I wonder how long this will last - is this how I’m going to feel forever? Is this my new normal? I hate feeling like this. I hate the waves of sadness that hit out of the blue. I want to feel happy and ok again, not just hit and miss, but all the time. I’m exhausted by the little things and irritable. I laid in bed last night and was wondering why I was feeling so down, then I realized it was 4 weeks ago today. How does my mind know that? I wish it would quit. I’m tired of counting the weeks and days. I’m tired of this whole mess.
Week 3
Tues Feb 26
Had a followup appt with Dr Carrington this morning. He said that they weren’t able to grow any of his tissue b/c he had been gone so long. For some reason that really hurt even though that’s what we were expecting. He is fairly confident that it was just a cord accident. I wish I hadn’t googled b/c now I think there was more to it. Some moms online had autopsy’s but I’m trying really hard just to accept all this and quit questioning - even with not burying him. I know we made the right decision but it’s hard not to feel guilty for just letting the hospital "dispose" of him. He told us there was no rush to decide what we wanted to do next and was very understanding and encouraging. It was a lot more emotional than I thought it was going to be.
Wed Feb 27
Mark and I had a really good talk when we went to bed last night. I was able to get out a lot of my feelings about God, having another baby and just understanding what happened. I am so glad I am able to talk to him about this.
Thurs Feb 28
It has been 3 weeks since this mess all started. I guess that’s why I’ve been in a funk today. I am so tired of being tired, cranky and unmotivated. I do fine as long as I’m not at home, but the longer I stay gone, the more sick and exhausted I feel. Standing in line at Target, I just wanted to lay down and put my face on the cold floor. I think I need to go somewhere, I need something to look forward to.
Fri Feb 29
I am really ticked off today. My stomach looks like the Pillsbury dough boy,my butt is huge, my hemorrhoids are worse now than when I was pg and my boobs are disappearing. I guess when you have a new baby to hold, you don’t care b/c a) you have a baby and b) you can use the baby to cover up your fat and c) you still have fabulous boobs. I would think the least the gods could do is let me keep some boobs since I didn’t get a baby! I just want my body back. And I’m mad at my stupid body - it didn’t know Tyler was gone and now it’s having a really hard time figuring out that I’m not pg anymore. Stupid body, how could it have a dead baby in there for weeks and not know? How could it not know that there’s no baby at all in there anymore?
I am still really struggling with the spiritual aspect of this. Did God cause this? Did the devil? Did nature just take it’s course while God watched? Knowing what I know now, I don’t think a healthy baby can be born without God somehow having a hand in it. Too many things have to go just the right way at just the right time. None of those options is too comforting. God gets you if you’re bad and the devil gets you when you’re good. Can you ever get peace? Is this the answer
to my prayer for something to bring our family together? If it is, I’m sorry I asked.
I started a blog today - not really sure why. I guess it’s just something to do. It will be nice for everyone to be able to get on and see what the boys are up to and see pictures.
Sat March 1
Well the lunatic came out full force today! Last night Mark stayed out late. I called him a few times and he said he was coming home. I tried to go to bed around 11, but couldn’t go to sleep and I didn’t want to take the Ambien while he wasn’t home. I called him at 12 and he didn’t answer. That was it - all these things started going through my head - he was with the hot salesgirl, he really didn’t love me blah blah blah. I called him a few minutes later and he said he was leaving and coming home right then. 30 minutes later when he still hadn’t shown up, I called him again and he was just getting in his truck. I don’t think I have ever been so mad in my life! I knew my feelings were irrational, but I couldn’t fight them. When he got home, I just took my pill and went to bed.
I woke up in a crappy mood this morning and had to take the boys to zoo school. I was so mad at Mark for doing that last night. It’s just crappy of him to think he can stay out until midnight without bothering to call. I would think he would know that I can’t sleep, maybe he doesn’t. I was just numb and sick all day. I was convinced Mark didn’t really love me. I kept telling myself that this was all so irrational, but I just couldn’t quit. He had all but ignored me Thursday night and I barely talked to him at all Friday. I didn’t answer the phone all day when he called b/c I knew I would freak out and start spewing this ridiculous crap. It just snowballed all day. When he finally came home and we talked he told me I was the only person he had ever loved. It made me feel better, I hate being so needy! I know he is stressed at work and still not feeling good, I just need to know he still cares and isn’t getting sick of this lazy wacko he now lives with. He told me he thought Dr Carrington sounded like he really wanted me to take some medication. After today, I think I may need to. I don’t feel sad and depressed, but I feel totally out of control.
Sun March 2
I have decided that I am sick of this. I am going to force myself to start trying to act normal again. I put up some of the laundry piling up in our house as a start. I am going to the chiropractor, getting a massage, a facial and my hair cut this week, whether I feel like getting up and going or not. I do NOT like this needy irritable person I have become and I’m the only one that can change that. I am going to start writing more about the good things and not dwell so much on the bad. I’m not really feeling sad that Tyler is gone, but more that what happened just sucks. It is so brutal on your entire being - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. To be going along, thinking you’re having a baby and in 1 instant it’s gone. Then, on top of that, you have to go through a physical delivery and all the physical and hormonal changes that come with regular childbirth.
I haven’t written enough about how great Mark has really been. Every time I’ve had a breakdown, he has been right there to hold me, reassure me and tell me it’s ok to feel the way I do. I was complaining to him the other day about how big my butt is now and his reply was something like “well you just had a baby”. He seems to have a better grasp on the big picture. I feel so bad that I’m not really taking care of him, the house or the kids and he reassures me that it will take awhile to get over this, that I have lost a child and it’s an emptiness that will always be there.
Monday March 3
Today for the first time, I feel a part of me peeking out. It has been 3 weeks today since Tyler was born and I haven’t cried yet. I look back on him and feel love in my heart instead of sadness. I figure that is a step forward. I don’t feel sad, heavy or any of that bad stuff. I feel the tears there, but I am able to keep them in.
Dad sent me the sweetest email. Probably the most he has ever said about anything like this. I couldn’t read it too close b/c I’m having a good day and I don’t want to start crying.
Lori had her baby tonight. We all thought she would be here at noon and she wasn’t born until 9. I was so scared something was going to happen! I just felt this wave of relief when Donna called and said she was here. Good thing I am making myself have a good day!
Had a followup appt with Dr Carrington this morning. He said that they weren’t able to grow any of his tissue b/c he had been gone so long. For some reason that really hurt even though that’s what we were expecting. He is fairly confident that it was just a cord accident. I wish I hadn’t googled b/c now I think there was more to it. Some moms online had autopsy’s but I’m trying really hard just to accept all this and quit questioning - even with not burying him. I know we made the right decision but it’s hard not to feel guilty for just letting the hospital "dispose" of him. He told us there was no rush to decide what we wanted to do next and was very understanding and encouraging. It was a lot more emotional than I thought it was going to be.
Wed Feb 27
Mark and I had a really good talk when we went to bed last night. I was able to get out a lot of my feelings about God, having another baby and just understanding what happened. I am so glad I am able to talk to him about this.
Thurs Feb 28
It has been 3 weeks since this mess all started. I guess that’s why I’ve been in a funk today. I am so tired of being tired, cranky and unmotivated. I do fine as long as I’m not at home, but the longer I stay gone, the more sick and exhausted I feel. Standing in line at Target, I just wanted to lay down and put my face on the cold floor. I think I need to go somewhere, I need something to look forward to.
Fri Feb 29
I am really ticked off today. My stomach looks like the Pillsbury dough boy,my butt is huge, my hemorrhoids are worse now than when I was pg and my boobs are disappearing. I guess when you have a new baby to hold, you don’t care b/c a) you have a baby and b) you can use the baby to cover up your fat and c) you still have fabulous boobs. I would think the least the gods could do is let me keep some boobs since I didn’t get a baby! I just want my body back. And I’m mad at my stupid body - it didn’t know Tyler was gone and now it’s having a really hard time figuring out that I’m not pg anymore. Stupid body, how could it have a dead baby in there for weeks and not know? How could it not know that there’s no baby at all in there anymore?
I am still really struggling with the spiritual aspect of this. Did God cause this? Did the devil? Did nature just take it’s course while God watched? Knowing what I know now, I don’t think a healthy baby can be born without God somehow having a hand in it. Too many things have to go just the right way at just the right time. None of those options is too comforting. God gets you if you’re bad and the devil gets you when you’re good. Can you ever get peace? Is this the answer
to my prayer for something to bring our family together? If it is, I’m sorry I asked.
I started a blog today - not really sure why. I guess it’s just something to do. It will be nice for everyone to be able to get on and see what the boys are up to and see pictures.
Sat March 1
Well the lunatic came out full force today! Last night Mark stayed out late. I called him a few times and he said he was coming home. I tried to go to bed around 11, but couldn’t go to sleep and I didn’t want to take the Ambien while he wasn’t home. I called him at 12 and he didn’t answer. That was it - all these things started going through my head - he was with the hot salesgirl, he really didn’t love me blah blah blah. I called him a few minutes later and he said he was leaving and coming home right then. 30 minutes later when he still hadn’t shown up, I called him again and he was just getting in his truck. I don’t think I have ever been so mad in my life! I knew my feelings were irrational, but I couldn’t fight them. When he got home, I just took my pill and went to bed.
I woke up in a crappy mood this morning and had to take the boys to zoo school. I was so mad at Mark for doing that last night. It’s just crappy of him to think he can stay out until midnight without bothering to call. I would think he would know that I can’t sleep, maybe he doesn’t. I was just numb and sick all day. I was convinced Mark didn’t really love me. I kept telling myself that this was all so irrational, but I just couldn’t quit. He had all but ignored me Thursday night and I barely talked to him at all Friday. I didn’t answer the phone all day when he called b/c I knew I would freak out and start spewing this ridiculous crap. It just snowballed all day. When he finally came home and we talked he told me I was the only person he had ever loved. It made me feel better, I hate being so needy! I know he is stressed at work and still not feeling good, I just need to know he still cares and isn’t getting sick of this lazy wacko he now lives with. He told me he thought Dr Carrington sounded like he really wanted me to take some medication. After today, I think I may need to. I don’t feel sad and depressed, but I feel totally out of control.
Sun March 2
I have decided that I am sick of this. I am going to force myself to start trying to act normal again. I put up some of the laundry piling up in our house as a start. I am going to the chiropractor, getting a massage, a facial and my hair cut this week, whether I feel like getting up and going or not. I do NOT like this needy irritable person I have become and I’m the only one that can change that. I am going to start writing more about the good things and not dwell so much on the bad. I’m not really feeling sad that Tyler is gone, but more that what happened just sucks. It is so brutal on your entire being - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. To be going along, thinking you’re having a baby and in 1 instant it’s gone. Then, on top of that, you have to go through a physical delivery and all the physical and hormonal changes that come with regular childbirth.
I haven’t written enough about how great Mark has really been. Every time I’ve had a breakdown, he has been right there to hold me, reassure me and tell me it’s ok to feel the way I do. I was complaining to him the other day about how big my butt is now and his reply was something like “well you just had a baby”. He seems to have a better grasp on the big picture. I feel so bad that I’m not really taking care of him, the house or the kids and he reassures me that it will take awhile to get over this, that I have lost a child and it’s an emptiness that will always be there.
Monday March 3
Today for the first time, I feel a part of me peeking out. It has been 3 weeks today since Tyler was born and I haven’t cried yet. I look back on him and feel love in my heart instead of sadness. I figure that is a step forward. I don’t feel sad, heavy or any of that bad stuff. I feel the tears there, but I am able to keep them in.
Dad sent me the sweetest email. Probably the most he has ever said about anything like this. I couldn’t read it too close b/c I’m having a good day and I don’t want to start crying.
Lori had her baby tonight. We all thought she would be here at noon and she wasn’t born until 9. I was so scared something was going to happen! I just felt this wave of relief when Donna called and said she was here. Good thing I am making myself have a good day!
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