Carrot, Egg, or Coffee

A friend of mine forwarded this email to me today and I thought it was worth sharing.

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'
'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes a long their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

I don't know about you, but I needed to hear that today. Thanks Shay!

Thank you, thank you!!

The award states: "These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

Kristi - gave me this wonderful award (and I think she's the one who taught me how to hyperlink). Thanks Kristi and I know this is probably cheating, but I am giving the award to you too. Your blog is one of the highlights of my day. You are a fabulous writer and even better photographer. So many times, you have put what I've been feeling into words that I couldn't. I pray for you daily and wish you nothing but the absolute best!

Angie - will probably never know I gave her this award since she doesn't visit my blog, but she writes the most wonderful blogs. She lost a daughter last year and her love and faith are absolutely inspirational. She has helped me be a better, more Godly mom to my kids. Go check her out.

Holli - Holly lost her daughter Brenna not too long after Tyler died. She has a great outlook and I am so proud of how well she has done in the months since Brenna's death. I know you've already gotten this award Holli, but I appreciate you too!

Beth - For some reason I really connect with what Beth writes. I don't communicate with her much other than commenting on her blog, but I feel like we have a lot in common

Jenny - is one of the dearest friends I've ever had. Her blog has really given me a lot of good insight on my marriage and my relationship with Jesus.

I read tons of blogs, but I don't know how many want me to link them (Jenny and Beth, I hope you don't mind, let me know and I'll unlink you!) but Elsie, Marissa, Leana, and Holly - if you are reading, consider yourselves awarded!

I've finally reached 24 weeks! I don't know why that feels like such a big milestone, but babysteps I guess. I really feel like the guy from "What About Bob" going through each day just repeating "baby steps, baby steps, baby steps" over and over! This has been a really good week. He is moving around quite a bit and I'm feeling pretty optimistic. I don't know if it's faith, or just a few good days. I was reading today about Jesus' death, and if you want to talk about someone not wanting to go where God wanted him to go, I imagine Jesus understands that completely. He went out to pray and begged God to "let this cup pass from me" but then he added "not my will, but yours be done." How much strength it must have taken for him to let it all happen and not put up a fight. It also says an angel appeared to him from heaven, strengthening him (Luke 22:42-43) I know that God will send his strength and help me no matter what path He leads me down.
I have shared so much of the yucky stuff in my life here, I really want to share the good. My kids are a blast and they have a separate blog with all the happy stuff. It's not very interesting, but it's good for a few laughs. (Kristi, you have to go check out my complete lack of photography skills!) http://shipmankids.blogspot.com/

23 weeks!

Last Saturday was the day I'm pretty sure that Tyler died. That was the day I was 15w 1d which is what age they estimated him to be when he was born. I also remember very strange details about that day (which if you know me, you know is odd b/c I don't remember anything!). I remember what I was wearing and I remember just having a weird feeling - not like something was wrong, just a weird feeling. Anyway, since I was a little stressed about it and have been having so much anxiety lately about this pregnancy, I booked an u/s at a 3d place. Mark and the boys went with me and it was a lot of fun. They projected it up on the wall so the boys got a good look at him. Danner said he has a big fat head - which it looked like he did since the image was like 5 ft wide! I've had to work really hard at not looking at the pictures too closely to try to analyze the cord and other things, but it really helped me get excited. We may actually be bringing a baby home in a few months! He's been moving around like crazy and I "saw" him moving yesterday for the first time! (thanks to some sweet tea that led to a panic later on when he wasn't moving like normal, but anyway)
Danner asked me last night if this baby is going to live or die and said that when he gets to heaven, he is going to give Tyler a big hug and kiss. He was sitting on my lap the other day and I told him he was hurting me and he said "I don't want to kill this baby too!" I hate that he has experienced this and even knows to ask those questions, but it also makes me feel really good that he remembers Tyler and loves him.
Right now I'm trying to decide what to do for Tyler's birthday - I don't know if I should do something with the boys or just remember him privately. It feels odd to "celebrate" his birthday when he was not born alive or anywhere close to viability but I do feel that we need to remember him somehow.
I am really struggling with faith right now. I have faith that no matter what happens that God will be with me and it will be ok, but I don't have faith that everything is going to be ok. I had that last time and it wasn't. I'm trying to wrap my mind around Matt 7:7-7 "ask and it will be given unto you . . . for everyone who asks receives" and Matt 21:22 "And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive" just to name a few. Even though I knew deep down that something wasn't right with Tyler, I had 100% faith that he was going to be my full term baby and that he was going to be ok. I prayed for him every day. I am thankful for all the wonderful things that have changed in my life because of his death, but I sure don't want to go there again. God's will is God's will - does He change it just because we ask him to? I just don't know and I seem to be stuck here.

Anxiety

My sweet friend K, has found out that her baby is gone yet again. His name is Collin. I can't imagine having to go through this again, especially on top of 5 other losses. Please keep her in your prayers as she goes down this dark road once again. She is dear to me because she is one of the 2 women that saved me from sinking down into anger and bitterness after I lost Tyler. She encouraged me to find hope and to keep looking for the light. K, my heart truly aches for you today.

I have lost my mind! I am actually happy that I've made it past 20 weeks, so if we lose this baby he will be considered stillborn and not just a miscarriage. Why on earth would that make me happy? I am finding myself really struggling with anxiety lately (even before learning of K's loss). I never thought that making it past the time I lost Tyler would be this scary. There is talk of names, baby showers and the future that makes me want to throw up. I just can't get that far yet. I'm hoping that after I make it past 26 weeks, I'll be able to relax some but I know I won't truly rest until he is here - healthy and alive.

God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. -- Albert Einstein

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." --A. Einstein

Goodbye 2008

As 2008 comes to a close, I just want to remember all of the babies who are not here, but have profoundly touched my life through their deaths.
In loving memory of Tyler, Lucas, Jalissa, Audrey Caroline, Luke, Eli, Brenna, Daniel, Tristan, Chase, Ada, Willow, Cameron, Caden, Elias, Skylar, John, Ashlen, Alexis, Jenna, Elijah, Shannon, Jorie, Harrison, Hunter, Angelic, Gregory, Hannah, Brendan, Hunter Kate, Josie, Bailee, Abigail, Logan, Mitchell, Scarlett, Kasey, Vivian, and the many many others that were unnamed and that I have unintentionally left out. I also want to remember Carter, Lucy, John, Makenna, Dash, and William. Your mothers have all been a great source of comfort, strength and support and I couldn't have made it through this without them.

And a big woohoo! and praise to God for OSD, Landon, Kannon, Krista, Jadyn, William, Faith, Mackenzie, Klaire, Lily & Molly that are here safely and all the rainbow babies that are to come in 2009!
Happy New Year!
This hasn't been the best year for me, but it has brought some really good things to me. I can't say that I am happy or sad for 2008 to end, but I am looking forward to 2009 and all the great things we have in store for us!

It's a boy!

I don't know why out of all the pictures the Dr took, that he gave me the one he called the "skeleton shot" - men I guess! I don't know what the deal is with all these rainbow boys, but I don't care. I honestly didn't care either way, I'm just happy that all looks good and I don't have to go back to the high risk Dr again. I'm getting excited, but then I get scared that I'm so excited and have to stop but I know I'll get there. I feel him move almost every day so that's really reassuring.

BTW, our family has a tradition of names ending in -er so if you have any good ideas, send them my way!

Ornament

This is the ornament I finally decided on for Tyler. I had a hard time deciding what I wanted - angels just don't really seem appropriate and I wanted to find something that would kind of blend in with the rest of our ornaments. I wanted to honor his memory without having a dead baby ornament that sticks out like a sore thumb! I got this one at Things Remembered - I'm not a great photographer, but is has his name, birthdate and "always in our hearts".

Danner (who's 5) was so funny when I told him what we were doing - he said "He doesn't need an ornament, he's dead." And he was serious. He still doesn't really get why he needs an ornament on our tree while he's in heaven. But that conversation made me realize, how lucky is Tyler to actually get to spend Jesus' birthday WITH JESUS?! That realization has made the holidays a little more bearable.

This is the part from Thanksgiving that has taken me awhile to grab hold of and actually write. I really struggled this year with being thankful. I have lots of wonderful things in my life to be thankful for, but all I could think about is what I didn't have. It didn't help that the time in my pregnancy that he Tyler died, just happened to fall during Thanksgiving week with this baby. Then in my blog stalking, I came across some writings of Greg at Light Your World about being thankful for all and in all. Ephesians 5:20 says "Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;" What?! Are you kidding me?! (And it says the same thing no matter what translation you use, so no excuses there) After reading some of what he wrote, people's responses and Angie at Bring The Rain had some of the same questions. After weeks of praying and soul searching I am able to say that I am thankful for Tyler's death. Not happy or glad that it happened, but thankful for all the changes his short life and even his death have brought to my life. I now understand things that I could never have grasped without this experience and it has given me a different perspective on things. Through his death, I see how God has been working in my life for the last few years - even now I know I have heard His voice through other people, I see that He is ALWAYS there, and now I look more forward to heaven than I ever have. The thought of dying used to terrify me, but it's not so scary now that I know Tyler is there waiting for me. I wish I could say that this has all made me a better person outwardly, but that hasn't happened - yet. Thanks for listening to my rambling - I need to post more often so I don't write a novel when I do!

Grief

Grief is such a strange thing. I've been feeling weird lately because, even though I still think of Tyler every day, I haven't really felt sad about him or missed him. I thought maybe I was a little too emotionally healthy. Or was it just self-preservation trying to make it through this pregnancy with my sanity in tact? Then the sermon in church yesterday was about grief. The preacher said something to the effect that we will always grieve the loss of those close to us, that doesn't mean we cry every day but it's when those little things pop up that make us think of them - like a smell, a song, or a certain day. It felt reassuring to know that I was still grieving for Tyler even though it's just in different ways now.
As I've gotten farther from his loss, I've found that I am starting to minimize it with thoughts like "I really wasn't that far along" or feeling like I shouldn't include him in things like Christmas ornaments and stuff like that. Then I talked to my MIL yesterday. She's starting a daycare next to her house and for some reason, she had to make that lot a subdivision and give it a name. She named it Tyler's Place. I can't tell you how much that means to have someone else value his name and his memory. Things like that make me feel like I'm not totally crazy for acting like he was a "normal" part of our family.
I found the baby's heartbeat with my doppler the other day! I have also felt a few movements! That took such a load off my mind, but now I'm scared to try to find it again. Maybe I can just hold out until my appt Friday. I am finding myself wanting to make plans and think about how we are going to shuffle things around, but then I stop myself. I need to just let go and do it, but then it will be so hard to undo if things don't go as planned. Babysteps I guess, I probably need to concentrate on getting through the next few weeks before I give myself anything else to stress about!

Vent

Ok, after my "I'm a better person now" post, I have to vent. It really pisses me off when I'm sitting in the Dr's office trying to act normal and read all the stupid baby magazines and I read (in every single one of them) that after you've heard the baby's heartbeat, you are in the clear and have virtually no risk of miscarriage and then after 12 weeks you're pretty much home free. That is like a stab in my gut. I know that statistically speaking that is true, but someone has to be in those 3%. Someone has to be the 1 in a million. Don't they know that babies can die at any time in the pregnancy? Just b/c you've made it to 12 weeks, 24 weeks, or God forbid 40 weeks, you aren't in the clear. My logical mind knows they are just trying not to alarm all the overly emotional pregnany women, but what about us overly emotional pregnant women who lost our babies after we were "in the clear?". It just really pisses me off.

Suffering

I have been reading in Job for the last couple of weeks. I needed to be in that book, especially in light of struggles and heartbreaks some very dear friends are experiencing. It seems like the best most Godly people are suffering so much more. Why do good people have to suffer? The short answer is - I don't know. What I do know is that God is in control and that He is able to bring good from the worst of circumstances. I am 9 mos out from my loss so I think I am able to get a bigger perspective on things that I could have even 2 mos ago. It seems the farther away I get from that awful day, the deeper I am able to dig spiritually. At first, I didn't want to look for answers, I wanted comfort and I just wanted God to flat out tell me what I wanted to know. As time went on, individual scriptures caught my attention, and now I am able to find more comfort in the fact that I will be in heaven someday with Tyler and how great that will be! It's taken millions of babysteps to get here.
Job was a righteous man and very wealthy and successful. Satan suggests to God that the only reason Job is faithful to Him is because of his prosperity. God permits Satan to test it out by taking away his prosperity. When Job remains faithful, God permits Satan to bring personal suffering to Job. Job, like all of us, wanted to know why this was happening to him. He turned to his friends who all had different, and wrong, opinions.
Angie at Bring the Rain mentioned the book "What the Bible is all about Bible handbook" (I'm so excited I finally learned how to hyperlink! Can you tell?)- it's a great book that explains each book of the Bible to people like me who really don't understand what it's trying to say. Here are some things it said about Job
"1. Job tore his robe (1:20). It is worthwhile for us to learn that we are meant to feel grief. Sorrow has its use in our lives. We are told "do not make light of the Lord's discipline" but be "trained by it." (Hebrews12:5,11) . . . 2. Job recognized that loss and sorrow are the laws of life. We have to learn that all possessions are transient. We are losing something every moment. We cannot stop and weep about everything that is taken from us. We have to learn a hard lesson - that we can live on in spite of all our losses. Begin to learn while you are young that nothing is necessary but Christ."
The real conflict here was between God and Satan. "When the trials came, Job did not understand the meaning of all of his suffering. He knew it was not because he had sinned, as his friends said. He wondered what God was doing. We will not always understand what God is working out in the battleground of our hearts. But know this: there is a reason and value to everything God allows and that 'in all things God works for the good of those that love him and have been called according to his purpose' (Romans 8:28). Job proved that Satan's statement concerning God's children was a lie, that is, that they only serve Him for what they can get out of it. Don't always try to find the reason for your trials and experiences. Sometimes we will have to wait for the answer . . . We will never find the answer to all of God's dealings. We may be honest and sincere as far as it goes, as were Job's friends, but God's ways are past finding out. God never allowed the devil to prove that God blundered when He made humans by suggesting that they only serve God for what they can get out of Him."
In the end, Job falls on his face before God and repents in "dust and ashes" for questioning Him. God restores his family and wealth 2 fold. "Job found God in his trouble. Many know God as a creator and believe in His greatness, but they do not really know God. The more we understand His ways the more we will love Him and put our trust in Him."
"God has a wise purpose in all of our suffering. God wants us to show His manifold wisdom (Eph 3:10). He wants the trial of our faith to work patience. He wants to bring out the gold as by fire. He wants to reveal real character."
Do I think God is sitting up in heaven and just decides "Hmm, I think I'll take her baby today and see what happens" - no! I think the earth, nature and everything in it has been set in motion and was made imperfect by sin. Bad things happen, but I think when we come to Him and put our trust and faith in Him, that's when He is able to bring the good things out of the worst situation.
I know that I am a very different person now than I was before Tyler's death. I know that I have such a greater understanding of God and eternity now. I have peace. I'm not as afraid of things as I was before. Good things have come out of his loss. Do they make up for the pain of losing him? No way but I have learned to appreciate the rain and be doubly thankful for the sun.