23 weeks!

Last Saturday was the day I'm pretty sure that Tyler died. That was the day I was 15w 1d which is what age they estimated him to be when he was born. I also remember very strange details about that day (which if you know me, you know is odd b/c I don't remember anything!). I remember what I was wearing and I remember just having a weird feeling - not like something was wrong, just a weird feeling. Anyway, since I was a little stressed about it and have been having so much anxiety lately about this pregnancy, I booked an u/s at a 3d place. Mark and the boys went with me and it was a lot of fun. They projected it up on the wall so the boys got a good look at him. Danner said he has a big fat head - which it looked like he did since the image was like 5 ft wide! I've had to work really hard at not looking at the pictures too closely to try to analyze the cord and other things, but it really helped me get excited. We may actually be bringing a baby home in a few months! He's been moving around like crazy and I "saw" him moving yesterday for the first time! (thanks to some sweet tea that led to a panic later on when he wasn't moving like normal, but anyway)
Danner asked me last night if this baby is going to live or die and said that when he gets to heaven, he is going to give Tyler a big hug and kiss. He was sitting on my lap the other day and I told him he was hurting me and he said "I don't want to kill this baby too!" I hate that he has experienced this and even knows to ask those questions, but it also makes me feel really good that he remembers Tyler and loves him.
Right now I'm trying to decide what to do for Tyler's birthday - I don't know if I should do something with the boys or just remember him privately. It feels odd to "celebrate" his birthday when he was not born alive or anywhere close to viability but I do feel that we need to remember him somehow.
I am really struggling with faith right now. I have faith that no matter what happens that God will be with me and it will be ok, but I don't have faith that everything is going to be ok. I had that last time and it wasn't. I'm trying to wrap my mind around Matt 7:7-7 "ask and it will be given unto you . . . for everyone who asks receives" and Matt 21:22 "And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive" just to name a few. Even though I knew deep down that something wasn't right with Tyler, I had 100% faith that he was going to be my full term baby and that he was going to be ok. I prayed for him every day. I am thankful for all the wonderful things that have changed in my life because of his death, but I sure don't want to go there again. God's will is God's will - does He change it just because we ask him to? I just don't know and I seem to be stuck here.

Anxiety

My sweet friend K, has found out that her baby is gone yet again. His name is Collin. I can't imagine having to go through this again, especially on top of 5 other losses. Please keep her in your prayers as she goes down this dark road once again. She is dear to me because she is one of the 2 women that saved me from sinking down into anger and bitterness after I lost Tyler. She encouraged me to find hope and to keep looking for the light. K, my heart truly aches for you today.

I have lost my mind! I am actually happy that I've made it past 20 weeks, so if we lose this baby he will be considered stillborn and not just a miscarriage. Why on earth would that make me happy? I am finding myself really struggling with anxiety lately (even before learning of K's loss). I never thought that making it past the time I lost Tyler would be this scary. There is talk of names, baby showers and the future that makes me want to throw up. I just can't get that far yet. I'm hoping that after I make it past 26 weeks, I'll be able to relax some but I know I won't truly rest until he is here - healthy and alive.

God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. -- Albert Einstein

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." --A. Einstein

Goodbye 2008

As 2008 comes to a close, I just want to remember all of the babies who are not here, but have profoundly touched my life through their deaths.
In loving memory of Tyler, Lucas, Jalissa, Audrey Caroline, Luke, Eli, Brenna, Daniel, Tristan, Chase, Ada, Willow, Cameron, Caden, Elias, Skylar, John, Ashlen, Alexis, Jenna, Elijah, Shannon, Jorie, Harrison, Hunter, Angelic, Gregory, Hannah, Brendan, Hunter Kate, Josie, Bailee, Abigail, Logan, Mitchell, Scarlett, Kasey, Vivian, and the many many others that were unnamed and that I have unintentionally left out. I also want to remember Carter, Lucy, John, Makenna, Dash, and William. Your mothers have all been a great source of comfort, strength and support and I couldn't have made it through this without them.

And a big woohoo! and praise to God for OSD, Landon, Kannon, Krista, Jadyn, William, Faith, Mackenzie, Klaire, Lily & Molly that are here safely and all the rainbow babies that are to come in 2009!
Happy New Year!
This hasn't been the best year for me, but it has brought some really good things to me. I can't say that I am happy or sad for 2008 to end, but I am looking forward to 2009 and all the great things we have in store for us!

It's a boy!

I don't know why out of all the pictures the Dr took, that he gave me the one he called the "skeleton shot" - men I guess! I don't know what the deal is with all these rainbow boys, but I don't care. I honestly didn't care either way, I'm just happy that all looks good and I don't have to go back to the high risk Dr again. I'm getting excited, but then I get scared that I'm so excited and have to stop but I know I'll get there. I feel him move almost every day so that's really reassuring.

BTW, our family has a tradition of names ending in -er so if you have any good ideas, send them my way!

Ornament

This is the ornament I finally decided on for Tyler. I had a hard time deciding what I wanted - angels just don't really seem appropriate and I wanted to find something that would kind of blend in with the rest of our ornaments. I wanted to honor his memory without having a dead baby ornament that sticks out like a sore thumb! I got this one at Things Remembered - I'm not a great photographer, but is has his name, birthdate and "always in our hearts".

Danner (who's 5) was so funny when I told him what we were doing - he said "He doesn't need an ornament, he's dead." And he was serious. He still doesn't really get why he needs an ornament on our tree while he's in heaven. But that conversation made me realize, how lucky is Tyler to actually get to spend Jesus' birthday WITH JESUS?! That realization has made the holidays a little more bearable.

This is the part from Thanksgiving that has taken me awhile to grab hold of and actually write. I really struggled this year with being thankful. I have lots of wonderful things in my life to be thankful for, but all I could think about is what I didn't have. It didn't help that the time in my pregnancy that he Tyler died, just happened to fall during Thanksgiving week with this baby. Then in my blog stalking, I came across some writings of Greg at Light Your World about being thankful for all and in all. Ephesians 5:20 says "Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;" What?! Are you kidding me?! (And it says the same thing no matter what translation you use, so no excuses there) After reading some of what he wrote, people's responses and Angie at Bring The Rain had some of the same questions. After weeks of praying and soul searching I am able to say that I am thankful for Tyler's death. Not happy or glad that it happened, but thankful for all the changes his short life and even his death have brought to my life. I now understand things that I could never have grasped without this experience and it has given me a different perspective on things. Through his death, I see how God has been working in my life for the last few years - even now I know I have heard His voice through other people, I see that He is ALWAYS there, and now I look more forward to heaven than I ever have. The thought of dying used to terrify me, but it's not so scary now that I know Tyler is there waiting for me. I wish I could say that this has all made me a better person outwardly, but that hasn't happened - yet. Thanks for listening to my rambling - I need to post more often so I don't write a novel when I do!

Grief

Grief is such a strange thing. I've been feeling weird lately because, even though I still think of Tyler every day, I haven't really felt sad about him or missed him. I thought maybe I was a little too emotionally healthy. Or was it just self-preservation trying to make it through this pregnancy with my sanity in tact? Then the sermon in church yesterday was about grief. The preacher said something to the effect that we will always grieve the loss of those close to us, that doesn't mean we cry every day but it's when those little things pop up that make us think of them - like a smell, a song, or a certain day. It felt reassuring to know that I was still grieving for Tyler even though it's just in different ways now.
As I've gotten farther from his loss, I've found that I am starting to minimize it with thoughts like "I really wasn't that far along" or feeling like I shouldn't include him in things like Christmas ornaments and stuff like that. Then I talked to my MIL yesterday. She's starting a daycare next to her house and for some reason, she had to make that lot a subdivision and give it a name. She named it Tyler's Place. I can't tell you how much that means to have someone else value his name and his memory. Things like that make me feel like I'm not totally crazy for acting like he was a "normal" part of our family.
I found the baby's heartbeat with my doppler the other day! I have also felt a few movements! That took such a load off my mind, but now I'm scared to try to find it again. Maybe I can just hold out until my appt Friday. I am finding myself wanting to make plans and think about how we are going to shuffle things around, but then I stop myself. I need to just let go and do it, but then it will be so hard to undo if things don't go as planned. Babysteps I guess, I probably need to concentrate on getting through the next few weeks before I give myself anything else to stress about!

Vent

Ok, after my "I'm a better person now" post, I have to vent. It really pisses me off when I'm sitting in the Dr's office trying to act normal and read all the stupid baby magazines and I read (in every single one of them) that after you've heard the baby's heartbeat, you are in the clear and have virtually no risk of miscarriage and then after 12 weeks you're pretty much home free. That is like a stab in my gut. I know that statistically speaking that is true, but someone has to be in those 3%. Someone has to be the 1 in a million. Don't they know that babies can die at any time in the pregnancy? Just b/c you've made it to 12 weeks, 24 weeks, or God forbid 40 weeks, you aren't in the clear. My logical mind knows they are just trying not to alarm all the overly emotional pregnany women, but what about us overly emotional pregnant women who lost our babies after we were "in the clear?". It just really pisses me off.

Suffering

I have been reading in Job for the last couple of weeks. I needed to be in that book, especially in light of struggles and heartbreaks some very dear friends are experiencing. It seems like the best most Godly people are suffering so much more. Why do good people have to suffer? The short answer is - I don't know. What I do know is that God is in control and that He is able to bring good from the worst of circumstances. I am 9 mos out from my loss so I think I am able to get a bigger perspective on things that I could have even 2 mos ago. It seems the farther away I get from that awful day, the deeper I am able to dig spiritually. At first, I didn't want to look for answers, I wanted comfort and I just wanted God to flat out tell me what I wanted to know. As time went on, individual scriptures caught my attention, and now I am able to find more comfort in the fact that I will be in heaven someday with Tyler and how great that will be! It's taken millions of babysteps to get here.
Job was a righteous man and very wealthy and successful. Satan suggests to God that the only reason Job is faithful to Him is because of his prosperity. God permits Satan to test it out by taking away his prosperity. When Job remains faithful, God permits Satan to bring personal suffering to Job. Job, like all of us, wanted to know why this was happening to him. He turned to his friends who all had different, and wrong, opinions.
Angie at Bring the Rain mentioned the book "What the Bible is all about Bible handbook" (I'm so excited I finally learned how to hyperlink! Can you tell?)- it's a great book that explains each book of the Bible to people like me who really don't understand what it's trying to say. Here are some things it said about Job
"1. Job tore his robe (1:20). It is worthwhile for us to learn that we are meant to feel grief. Sorrow has its use in our lives. We are told "do not make light of the Lord's discipline" but be "trained by it." (Hebrews12:5,11) . . . 2. Job recognized that loss and sorrow are the laws of life. We have to learn that all possessions are transient. We are losing something every moment. We cannot stop and weep about everything that is taken from us. We have to learn a hard lesson - that we can live on in spite of all our losses. Begin to learn while you are young that nothing is necessary but Christ."
The real conflict here was between God and Satan. "When the trials came, Job did not understand the meaning of all of his suffering. He knew it was not because he had sinned, as his friends said. He wondered what God was doing. We will not always understand what God is working out in the battleground of our hearts. But know this: there is a reason and value to everything God allows and that 'in all things God works for the good of those that love him and have been called according to his purpose' (Romans 8:28). Job proved that Satan's statement concerning God's children was a lie, that is, that they only serve Him for what they can get out of it. Don't always try to find the reason for your trials and experiences. Sometimes we will have to wait for the answer . . . We will never find the answer to all of God's dealings. We may be honest and sincere as far as it goes, as were Job's friends, but God's ways are past finding out. God never allowed the devil to prove that God blundered when He made humans by suggesting that they only serve God for what they can get out of Him."
In the end, Job falls on his face before God and repents in "dust and ashes" for questioning Him. God restores his family and wealth 2 fold. "Job found God in his trouble. Many know God as a creator and believe in His greatness, but they do not really know God. The more we understand His ways the more we will love Him and put our trust in Him."
"God has a wise purpose in all of our suffering. God wants us to show His manifold wisdom (Eph 3:10). He wants the trial of our faith to work patience. He wants to bring out the gold as by fire. He wants to reveal real character."
Do I think God is sitting up in heaven and just decides "Hmm, I think I'll take her baby today and see what happens" - no! I think the earth, nature and everything in it has been set in motion and was made imperfect by sin. Bad things happen, but I think when we come to Him and put our trust and faith in Him, that's when He is able to bring the good things out of the worst situation.
I know that I am a very different person now than I was before Tyler's death. I know that I have such a greater understanding of God and eternity now. I have peace. I'm not as afraid of things as I was before. Good things have come out of his loss. Do they make up for the pain of losing him? No way but I have learned to appreciate the rain and be doubly thankful for the sun.

Still going

I just realized I hadn't updated here in awhile. I have had so much going on in my head that I really can't get it all out. I had a few weeks where I was really anxious, but it is starting to ease up some. I'm expecting it to pick back up as we get into the time when Tyler died. This is the picture of my 7 week u/s. I had one today to do the NT measurements, but the Dr didn't give me any pictures. The high risk Dr is completely unconcerned with me and thinks that Danner's cord problems and Tyler's death are just 2 unrelated random occurrences. Which is good I guess, but doesn't make me feel much better. Baby measured right on today and nuchal fold was "average" and that's about all the info I got. I saw the heartbeating, but didn't get to hear it today. I really didn't care for this Dr, but he's the one that Dr. C said would be the best so I'll just take his word for it. He did say that my placenta is a little anterior so it will probably be awhile before I can feel good movement and it will be harder to find the hb with a doppler. Isn't that great - that was what I was counting on to ease my mind. I guess it's another way God is telling me to trust Him and that He's got everything under control.

A friend lost her twins last night and it's heartbreaking to see someone have to go down this road yet again, especially in the same year. Please keep Jenell and her husband Rob in your prayers.

Miracle of the Moment

I did it, I actually bought something for the baby and it felt good. I never bought anything for Tyler and I've always felt so guilty for that. I didn't even have to force myself, it's something I felt like I had to do.
My #s all looked good and I go in for an u/s next Wednesday - I just pray there is a live baby. I've had so many different emotions the last week - I still feel so sad for my friends that haven't been able to get pg again, especially after trying so hard, I'm scared that we'll lose this one too, I'm happy, I'm optimistic, but I'm scared to be too happy b/c I don't want to be let down again, I'm guarded and worried and did I say scared? I want to tell everyone, but then I don't want to have to go back and un-tell them. I'll get there eventually. I think this u/s will get me over the fear of an early loss.
I read a quote today that faith isn't knowing that God can, it's knowing that He will. That's the crossroads I'm at, I know He is able, I just don't know that He will. He didn't save Tyler. I do know that He will guide us through whatever comes though. I can feel Him with me all the time. It's funny, last week when I was stressing about #s and all that, I prayed for a sign and when I looked down at the radio it said "Don't Get Comfortable". That almost sent me over the edge. How mean was that?! I tried not to freak out about it and several days later that song came on again and I stopped to listen to the words and they say "Yesterday, this is not yesterday. You were standing on my shoulders now; you're standing on the edge. You've been looking for a sign all this time. I am gonna show you what I mean, I am gonna love like you've never seen, You are gonna live like you used to dream This is your new song" It made me laugh and reminded me that I have to stop and listen to Him, he doesn't usually give stuff as obvious as I thought that was. He has given me a new song and will show me a love and a life that I couldn't even dream of.
Sorry I keep talking about music and different songs all the time, but that is what gets to my soul. The song I am focusing on is "Miracle of the Moment" by Stephen Curtis Chapman (I added it to the playlist)

It’s time for letting go
All of our if only’s
‘Cause we don’t have a time machine
And even if we did
Would we really want to use it?
Would we really want to go change everything?
‘Cause we are who and where and what we are for now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about
Chorus: So breathe it in and breathe it out
Listen to your heartbeat
There’s a wonder in the here and now
It’s right there in front of you
And I don’t want you to miss
The miracle of the moment
There’s only one who knows
What’s really out there waiting
In all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is He’s out there waiting
To Him the future’s history
And He has given us a treasure called right now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about
And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
And let them soften your heart
And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
And let it go, let it go
You gotta let it go
Listen to your heartbeat

The words pretty much say it all, all I can do right now is enjoy the miracle of this very moment. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but God has given me the blessing of now and I just need to breathe and enjoy every moment. I said before I got pg that this is what I was going to do, but it is so much harder to keep out those thoughts than I thought it would be. Everyone just please keep reminding me to enjoy the moment.
The Hope and Hearts walk is coming up in a couple of weeks and I'm glad that the timing has worked out like this. Since I found out I was pg, I have distanced myself from Tyler's memory - that's really not the right words but I can't really describe it. I almost said I hadn't thought about him, but then I realized that I still do every day. I guess now I just have a hope in my heart that I didn't have before. I'm glad that my parents are coming and we are going to have that day just to honor his memory.