A blog friend of mine wrote awhile back about not getting her miracle because her daughter died. I have a different view on that, but can't really put it into words. Like He usually does - He sends someone else that puts my thoughts into words. Please read these 2 posts about praying to God, trusting in His will and miracles
http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/03/to-him-be-glory.html She got her "miracle" and her baby survived, but is now seriously ill again.
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2009/03/miracle.html She lost her daughter almost 1 year ago. Her journey is an amazing story of faith and Audrey is still her miracle even though she's not here.
Tyler was/is a miracle. It may not be the miracle I wanted, but it was the miracle that God wanted me to have and I thank Him for it.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I did it
I finished reading the entire Bible today. It's something I committed to do after Tyler died and I feel a real sense of accomplishment in getting it done. I don't know that I understand a whole lot more than I did before, but it's amazing at the way God spoke to me through His word. I don't know how many times I "just happened" to read a verse or passage that I really needed to hear that day. You should try it - it's a real committment, but such an amazing journey.
Ok, we are STILL at a total loss on a name! I've decided that I really don't like Gunner - in the last few weeks, I've seen 2 kids with that name and I really don't want him to end up being Gunner S. forever. I think I'm out on Kyler too - I like the idea of honoring Tyler, but Kyler was just too close. I don't want this baby to think he's a replacement and I'm scared of losing part of Tyler's memory with another name that close. I know that probably won't happen, but I just don't feel it. I have moved on to Keller, but Mark thinks it sounds too girly too. I need ideas and I'm ready to throw the whole -er thing out the window. I want something that's unique, but not too weird. His middle name will be Don so it has to go with that too. Something that starts with K would be nice since my name and my mom's start with K. My brain is fried - PLEASE give me some suggestions! (I don't care if you post anonymous, but you don't get to knock my names unless you give yours!! :)
Ok, we are STILL at a total loss on a name! I've decided that I really don't like Gunner - in the last few weeks, I've seen 2 kids with that name and I really don't want him to end up being Gunner S. forever. I think I'm out on Kyler too - I like the idea of honoring Tyler, but Kyler was just too close. I don't want this baby to think he's a replacement and I'm scared of losing part of Tyler's memory with another name that close. I know that probably won't happen, but I just don't feel it. I have moved on to Keller, but Mark thinks it sounds too girly too. I need ideas and I'm ready to throw the whole -er thing out the window. I want something that's unique, but not too weird. His middle name will be Don so it has to go with that too. Something that starts with K would be nice since my name and my mom's start with K. My brain is fried - PLEASE give me some suggestions! (I don't care if you post anonymous, but you don't get to knock my names unless you give yours!! :)
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Crib Pictures
The crib is up! (thanks Dad!) Thank you ebay for the great deal on the bedding! Nothing makes me happier than buying Pottery Barn stuff for dirt cheap!! I really feel ok now that it's up and today, I dug his clothes out of the bottom of my closet and moved them to his closet - baby steps, baby steps. I want to paint his room some cute color, but I am so scared of painting. It seems so permanent and I have problems with being undecisive. (Kristi, want to come on a TX vacation? haha)
Mark and I went and bought his carseat today. We bought the Chicco Keyfit - I really wanted a Graco and hated to spend the $$, but this one seems a little smaller and I think it will fit better in the car and it seems like everything Graco has out right now is really ugly. I'm not big on the 70's brown - Mark just says it's because I'm too old to be shopping for baby stuff! haha I hate to admit that he's right, I'd probably think it was a lot cuter if I was in my 20's!
My friend Sherri is throwing me a shower at the end of this month. I don't really want one, but these are all the friends that were with me when Tyler died and I think they need it as much as I do. Everyone there will know about Tyler and I think that will make me more comfortable about it - why? I don't know! I don't really want to go register though so I'm hoping she forgets about that part!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Being Thankful part 2
My cousin Donna sent me this excerpt from "In this Mountain" awhile back and it's taken me awhile to chew on it and process it. It's pretty powerful stuff. The book is based on a preacher and this is from a sermon that he preached -
"In Everything....Give Thanks!...
Generally, Christians understand that giving thanks is good and right.
Though we don't do it often enough, it's easy to have a grateful heart for food and shelter, love and hope, health and peace. But what about the hard stuff, the stuff that darkens your world and wounds you to the quick? Just what is this "everything" business?
It's the hook, It's the key. Everything is the word on which this whole powerful command from Paul to the thessalonians stands and has its being.
Please don't misunderstand, the word thanks is crucial. But a deeper spiritual truth, I believe lies in giving thanks in ...everything!
In loss of all kinds. In illness. In depression. In grief. In failure. And, of course, in health and peace, success and happiness. In everything.
There'll be times when you wonder how you can possibly thank Him for something that turns your life upside down. Let us, then, at times like these, give thanks on faith alone...obedient, trusting, hoping, believing.
Perhaps you remember the young boy that was kidnapped and beaten and thrown in prison, yet rose up as Joseph the King, ruler of nations, able to say to his brothers, with a spirit of forgiveness, 'You thought evil against me, but God meant it for good, that many lives might be spared'. Better still, remember our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who suffered agonies we can't begin to imagine, fulfilling God's will that you and I might have everlasting life.
Some of us have been in trying circumstances these last months, unsettling, unremitting, even we sometimes think, unbearable. Dear God, we pray, stop this! Fix that! Bless us - and step on it!
I admit to you that although I often thank God for my blessings, even the smallest, I haven't thanked Him for my afflictions.
I know the 5th chapter of Thessalonians pretty well, yet it just hadn't occurred to me to actually take Him up on this notion. I've been too busy begging Him to lead me out of the valley and onto the mountaintop. After all, I have work to do, I have things to accomplish...
I want to tell you that I started thanking Him for something that grieves me deeply. And I'm committed to continue thanking Him in this hard thing no matter how desperate it might become and I'm going to begin looking for the good in it. Whether God caused it or permitted it, we can rest assured - there is great good in it.
Why have I decided to take these four words as a personal commission? Here's the entire 18th verse:
"In everything give thanks...for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."
His will concerning you. His will concerning me. This thing which I've taken as a commission intrigues me. I want to see where it goes, where it leads. I pray you will be called to do the same. Lets look once more at the four words God is saying to us...by looking at what our obedience to them will say to God.
Our obedience will say, "Father, I don't know why You're causing, or allowing this hard thing to happen, but I am going to give thanks in it because You ask me to. I'm going to trust You to have a purpose for it that I can't know and may never know. Bottom line, You're God, - and that's good enough for me." . . .
There are of course many more words in the first letter to the Thessalonians. Here are just a few:
Pray without ceasing.
Abstain from all appearance of evil.
Quench not the Spirit.
These words too contain holy counsel and absolute truth.....
I know I posted awhile back on 1 Thess 5:16-18:
Generally, Christians understand that giving thanks is good and right.
Though we don't do it often enough, it's easy to have a grateful heart for food and shelter, love and hope, health and peace. But what about the hard stuff, the stuff that darkens your world and wounds you to the quick? Just what is this "everything" business?
It's the hook, It's the key. Everything is the word on which this whole powerful command from Paul to the thessalonians stands and has its being.
Please don't misunderstand, the word thanks is crucial. But a deeper spiritual truth, I believe lies in giving thanks in ...everything!
In loss of all kinds. In illness. In depression. In grief. In failure. And, of course, in health and peace, success and happiness. In everything.
There'll be times when you wonder how you can possibly thank Him for something that turns your life upside down. Let us, then, at times like these, give thanks on faith alone...obedient, trusting, hoping, believing.
Perhaps you remember the young boy that was kidnapped and beaten and thrown in prison, yet rose up as Joseph the King, ruler of nations, able to say to his brothers, with a spirit of forgiveness, 'You thought evil against me, but God meant it for good, that many lives might be spared'. Better still, remember our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who suffered agonies we can't begin to imagine, fulfilling God's will that you and I might have everlasting life.
Some of us have been in trying circumstances these last months, unsettling, unremitting, even we sometimes think, unbearable. Dear God, we pray, stop this! Fix that! Bless us - and step on it!
I admit to you that although I often thank God for my blessings, even the smallest, I haven't thanked Him for my afflictions.
I know the 5th chapter of Thessalonians pretty well, yet it just hadn't occurred to me to actually take Him up on this notion. I've been too busy begging Him to lead me out of the valley and onto the mountaintop. After all, I have work to do, I have things to accomplish...
I want to tell you that I started thanking Him for something that grieves me deeply. And I'm committed to continue thanking Him in this hard thing no matter how desperate it might become and I'm going to begin looking for the good in it. Whether God caused it or permitted it, we can rest assured - there is great good in it.
Why have I decided to take these four words as a personal commission? Here's the entire 18th verse:
"In everything give thanks...for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."
His will concerning you. His will concerning me. This thing which I've taken as a commission intrigues me. I want to see where it goes, where it leads. I pray you will be called to do the same. Lets look once more at the four words God is saying to us...by looking at what our obedience to them will say to God.
Our obedience will say, "Father, I don't know why You're causing, or allowing this hard thing to happen, but I am going to give thanks in it because You ask me to. I'm going to trust You to have a purpose for it that I can't know and may never know. Bottom line, You're God, - and that's good enough for me." . . .
There are of course many more words in the first letter to the Thessalonians. Here are just a few:
Pray without ceasing.
Abstain from all appearance of evil.
Quench not the Spirit.
These words too contain holy counsel and absolute truth.....
I know I posted awhile back on 1 Thess 5:16-18:
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
This was just too good not to add and I wanted it here so I can always come back and read it. It also reminded me of Pastor Cecil's quote "God said it, I believe it, and that's good enough for me!"
6 more weeks to go! (hopefully)
Ok, so maybe I shouldn't have put neither as an option on the names!! He will probably be Gunner, Kyler or Keller. I still really like Kyler, but I'm not convinced it's a manly name. I also don't want him or anyone else to think that he's Tyler's replacement.
I haven't blogged in awhile - I've got a lot floating around in here, it's just not something I've been able to express. The anxiety has come back full force. I got optimistic and bought his crib and some clothes, but I think it was too much too fast and I just shut down and couldn't even think about it anymore.
I was sitting in church Sunday and was reading James and I came across 2:14-26 and it's about how faith without works is dead faith: faith without deeds is useless; Abraham's faith was made complete by what he did and by his works his faith was made perfect. I need to have faith that God can get this baby here safely and I need to show that I have that faith by my deeds. If I say that I have faith, but continue to live in fear - that's letting Satan take control. So my goal is to get the crib put up this week and to go shopping next week and get the big stuff we're going to need.
I'm reading a book by Jan Karon called "In this Mountain" - it's a fictional book about a preacher that has some really good insights, but it had this quote in it from St Francis de Sales:
I haven't blogged in awhile - I've got a lot floating around in here, it's just not something I've been able to express. The anxiety has come back full force. I got optimistic and bought his crib and some clothes, but I think it was too much too fast and I just shut down and couldn't even think about it anymore.
I was sitting in church Sunday and was reading James and I came across 2:14-26 and it's about how faith without works is dead faith: faith without deeds is useless; Abraham's faith was made complete by what he did and by his works his faith was made perfect. I need to have faith that God can get this baby here safely and I need to show that I have that faith by my deeds. If I say that I have faith, but continue to live in fear - that's letting Satan take control. So my goal is to get the crib put up this week and to go shopping next week and get the big stuff we're going to need.
I'm reading a book by Jan Karon called "In this Mountain" - it's a fictional book about a preacher that has some really good insights, but it had this quote in it from St Francis de Sales:
Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow, the same everlasting Father
who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day. Either
He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day. Either
He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
Isaiah 41:10 has also popped up a couple of times in the last few days:
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.
I said at the beginning of this pregnancy that I was just going to enjoy every minute I had so there were no regrets. I have forgotten that - and I need to focus on this baby and give him all the love and excitement he deserves.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Baby Name Test Drive
I put a baby name poll up on the sidebar and I found this "test drive" at babynamegenie.com
It's pretty funny! The genie will also make a name for you - he's not very good though. The best one today was Orion Richard!!
Gunner , could you please set the table?
I am not joking around Gunner , this is really important to me!
Gunner --Gunner ! Are you listening to me!?!
Hello, Wellington Inc. this is Gunner .
Gunner Shipman, come on down! You're the next contestant!
Hey Gunner . How are you doing?
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Gunner Shipman.
Gunner ! Pick up your toys. I am not going to ask you again.
I am at Gunner Shipman's house.
Do you Gunner Shipman take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I talked to Gunner this afternoon.
I am sorry, Gunner isn't here right now. Can I take a message?
You'll have to see Gunner Shipman about that. He will know what to do.
Yes? Gunner ? Do you have a question?
Mr. Shipman, if Gunner would consistently turn his homework in--on time--he would be one of my star pupils.
Would passenger Gunner Shipman please see the nearest ticket agent?
Gunner . Is that you?
And the winner is... Gunner Shipman!
Mommy! Gunner ate my cookie!
Hello, you've reached the voice mail of Gunner Shipman. I am away from my desk right now. Please leave a message and I will return your call as soon as possible.
Gunner , it's not the end of the world. It's just a car. You are more important than a car.
Gunner , I love you!
Write back soon. Your Friend, Gunner
Does Gunner like avocado?
Gunner , it's time for dinner.
Gunner , Shipman. Spelled G-U-N-N-E-R- .
Oh, there you are Gunner . I've been looking all over for you!
Now for Kyler -
Kyler, could you please set the table?
I am not joking around Kyler, this is really important to me!
Kyler--Kyler! Are you listening to me!?!
Hello, Wellington Inc. this is Kyler.
Kyler Shipman, come on down! You're the next contestant!
Hey Kyler. How are you doing?
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Kyler Shipman.
Kyler! Pick up your toys. I am not going to ask you again.
I am at Kyler Shipman's house.
Do you Kyler Shipman take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I talked to Kyler this afternoon.
I am sorry, Kyler isn't here right now. Can I take a message?
You'll have to see Kyler Shipman about that. He will know what to do.
Yes? Kyler? Do you have a question?
Mr. Shipman, if Kyler would consistently turn his homework in--on time--he would be one of my star pupils.
Would passenger Kyler Shipman please see the nearest ticket agent?
Kyler. Is that you?
And the winner is... Kyler Shipman!
Mommy! Kyler ate my cookie!
Hello, you've reached the voice mail of Kyler Shipman. I am away from my desk right now. Please leave a message and I will return your call as soon as possible.
Kyler, it's not the end of the world. It's just a car. You are more important than a car.
Kyler, I love you!
Write back soon. Your Friend, Kyler
Does Kyler like avocado?
Kyler, it's time for dinner.
Kyler, Shipman. Spelled K-Y-L-E-R.
Oh, there you are Kyler. I've been looking all over for you!
It's pretty funny! The genie will also make a name for you - he's not very good though. The best one today was Orion Richard!!
Gunner , could you please set the table?
I am not joking around Gunner , this is really important to me!
Gunner --Gunner ! Are you listening to me!?!
Hello, Wellington Inc. this is Gunner .
Gunner Shipman, come on down! You're the next contestant!
Hey Gunner . How are you doing?
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Gunner Shipman.
Gunner ! Pick up your toys. I am not going to ask you again.
I am at Gunner Shipman's house.
Do you Gunner Shipman take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I talked to Gunner this afternoon.
I am sorry, Gunner isn't here right now. Can I take a message?
You'll have to see Gunner Shipman about that. He will know what to do.
Yes? Gunner ? Do you have a question?
Mr. Shipman, if Gunner would consistently turn his homework in--on time--he would be one of my star pupils.
Would passenger Gunner Shipman please see the nearest ticket agent?
Gunner . Is that you?
And the winner is... Gunner Shipman!
Mommy! Gunner ate my cookie!
Hello, you've reached the voice mail of Gunner Shipman. I am away from my desk right now. Please leave a message and I will return your call as soon as possible.
Gunner , it's not the end of the world. It's just a car. You are more important than a car.
Gunner , I love you!
Write back soon. Your Friend, Gunner
Does Gunner like avocado?
Gunner , it's time for dinner.
Gunner , Shipman. Spelled G-U-N-N-E-R- .
Oh, there you are Gunner . I've been looking all over for you!
Now for Kyler -
Kyler, could you please set the table?
I am not joking around Kyler, this is really important to me!
Kyler--Kyler! Are you listening to me!?!
Hello, Wellington Inc. this is Kyler.
Kyler Shipman, come on down! You're the next contestant!
Hey Kyler. How are you doing?
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Kyler Shipman.
Kyler! Pick up your toys. I am not going to ask you again.
I am at Kyler Shipman's house.
Do you Kyler Shipman take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I talked to Kyler this afternoon.
I am sorry, Kyler isn't here right now. Can I take a message?
You'll have to see Kyler Shipman about that. He will know what to do.
Yes? Kyler? Do you have a question?
Mr. Shipman, if Kyler would consistently turn his homework in--on time--he would be one of my star pupils.
Would passenger Kyler Shipman please see the nearest ticket agent?
Kyler. Is that you?
And the winner is... Kyler Shipman!
Mommy! Kyler ate my cookie!
Hello, you've reached the voice mail of Kyler Shipman. I am away from my desk right now. Please leave a message and I will return your call as soon as possible.
Kyler, it's not the end of the world. It's just a car. You are more important than a car.
Kyler, I love you!
Write back soon. Your Friend, Kyler
Does Kyler like avocado?
Kyler, it's time for dinner.
Kyler, Shipman. Spelled K-Y-L-E-R.
Oh, there you are Kyler. I've been looking all over for you!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Baby Update
I just realized that I never posted the newest pictures of the baby. I went to the Dr last week and he looked great! I am now going every 2 weeks and we are waiting to see if (when) preterm labor will rear it's ugly head. But for now, so far so good. 
Here's a picture of the crib quilt I got - I got the rest of the set yesterday and I'll take a picture of it all as soon as I find a crib to put it in!
Here's a picture of the crib quilt I got - I got the rest of the set yesterday and I'll take a picture of it all as soon as I find a crib to put it in!
I was blog-stalking yesterday and I came across this post. She has lost 2 babies and is now pregnant again and this post is about how having a new baby doesn't take away the emptiness left by her boys. It touched me and is very well said so I thought I'd share
http://babybolte.blogspot.com/
http://babybolte.blogspot.com/
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Presents
Tyler got presents!! His Granna sent some flowers with a beautiful angel and his Meme, Donna and Kala sent a snowglobe with his name and birthday engraved on it. His daddy named a star after him. He is so loved . . .
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Happy Birthday Tyler
I woke up this morning right at 3am which is the time that Tyler was born. It is so amazing how our minds and bodies know that kind of thing. One year ago, I was just starting a journey that I never imagined I would survive. I thought I was going to be lost in the pit forever, but I wasn't. I made it and I am ok. I realized laying there this morning that even though I miss Tyler and wish he was still here, my grief and sadness still aren't for him. He is in the best place possible and will never have to feel the pain and agony of this earth. I, on the other hand, still do. The memories still hurt and so do some of the regrets. I didn't hold him and didn't even look at him. I know that for me, that was for the best, but it is so hard not to look back and wish I had done things differently. What I have realized though, is that there is no perfect way to give birth and say goodbye to a dead baby. No matter what choices you make, there will always be something you wish you did different. I know that God guided those decisions for me and led me to do what would be best in the long run. Just like I know it was God that made Dr C say it was a boy whether he really was or not.
I was talking to Mark about Tyler this morning and he told me that I should just be happy that I made it through this year ok and that we have another baby coming (not that he would replace Tyler, but it's ok to be happy anyway). He's right. I need to look at this year and how much I have grown and overcome. I was reading my Bible yesterday and that pesky verse came up again "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thess 5:21 (?). I have so much to be thankful for, even as much as my heart hurts today.
One thing I am very thankful for, is that now that I look back, I see that God prepared me to handle this. The first thing that comes to mind is back when I was in high school, our band director's baby died right before it was due and his wife still had to give birth. I remember thinking about how hard that would be and how I could never do that. (have you ever noticed that when you say that, you end up having to do it?) I had never heard of anything like that happening before and for some reason, that has stuck in my head all these years. The next thing is a friend of mine had quadruplets and their son Hunter passed away after they were born. They had the most amazing attitude in trusting God and praising him even through the worst of times. I remember realizing that God was taking me on a journey of faith, even though I really didn't understand what that meant. I could see God working through them and helping them make it through that very difficult time of losing a baby, praising God for the others, and having faith that they would be ok. (They are now very healthy, active 2 yr olds!). Then, Mark's aunt Sharon died very suddenly and unexpectedly. Her kids handled it with such grace and peace that it helped me realize the power of God can help you through anything when you lean on him. He planted the seeds before I was even pregnant with Tyler about faith and leaning on him. I didn't understand one bit of it then, but boy I do now.
Tyler, I miss you. You will always have your own special place in my heart. You made such an impact on my life in just the short time that I had with you.
Thank you God for letting me have him and for all of the good you've brought to me through him. Thank you for guiding me and holding me through it all.
I have new pictures of the baby, all is fine. I'll post them tomorrow and just let this be Tyler's day.
I was talking to Mark about Tyler this morning and he told me that I should just be happy that I made it through this year ok and that we have another baby coming (not that he would replace Tyler, but it's ok to be happy anyway). He's right. I need to look at this year and how much I have grown and overcome. I was reading my Bible yesterday and that pesky verse came up again "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thess 5:21 (?). I have so much to be thankful for, even as much as my heart hurts today.
One thing I am very thankful for, is that now that I look back, I see that God prepared me to handle this. The first thing that comes to mind is back when I was in high school, our band director's baby died right before it was due and his wife still had to give birth. I remember thinking about how hard that would be and how I could never do that. (have you ever noticed that when you say that, you end up having to do it?) I had never heard of anything like that happening before and for some reason, that has stuck in my head all these years. The next thing is a friend of mine had quadruplets and their son Hunter passed away after they were born. They had the most amazing attitude in trusting God and praising him even through the worst of times. I remember realizing that God was taking me on a journey of faith, even though I really didn't understand what that meant. I could see God working through them and helping them make it through that very difficult time of losing a baby, praising God for the others, and having faith that they would be ok. (They are now very healthy, active 2 yr olds!). Then, Mark's aunt Sharon died very suddenly and unexpectedly. Her kids handled it with such grace and peace that it helped me realize the power of God can help you through anything when you lean on him. He planted the seeds before I was even pregnant with Tyler about faith and leaning on him. I didn't understand one bit of it then, but boy I do now.
Tyler, I miss you. You will always have your own special place in my heart. You made such an impact on my life in just the short time that I had with you.
Thank you God for letting me have him and for all of the good you've brought to me through him. Thank you for guiding me and holding me through it all.
I have new pictures of the baby, all is fine. I'll post them tomorrow and just let this be Tyler's day.
Friday, February 6, 2009
It's here (Donna get a tissue)
It's the dreaded 1 year anniversary. One year ago today was the last day of my old life and the old me. I had no idea of what was in store for me. February 7 was the day I found out he was gone. Today was the 1 year anniversary that my friend (IRL - I actually do have a few of those!) Melissa's baby girl was stillborn. I can honestly say that before I lost Tyler, I didn't know what it meant to have your heart really ache for someone else. I ached for Melissa today - for the pain she was feeling, for all the times she replayed and remembered every detail of 1 year ago today, and for the emptiness in her heart that will always be there. Jon Benet Ramsey's dad was on Oprah yesterday and she was asking him if he'd been able to move on and he said something like - yes, you have to, but when your child dies there is a hole in your heart that will always be there. Yes there is.
I can't say that I'm unhappy with the "new" me. I'm not entirely happy with some of the other things that have changed in the last year, but I can't dwell on that. All I can do is continue to thank God every day for leading and holding me through this.
I never imagined that the 1 year mark would reopen so many of the wounds that have been trying so hard to heal. Laying in bed at night, I remember laying in the u/s room like it was yesterday, I remember looking at the screen and realizing there was no heart beating, I remember the tech telling me "we have to talk . . . ", and I remember just repeating over and over "I knew it". I remember feeling so bad for my friends that had to be there for that - and I still do. I remember being numb - I still had to go pick up Ranger from school and he came home with the flu that day (he's sick today too). Mark and I went home and both got on our laptops to see what on earth would happen next. I mean this isn't really something that you have a plan for. That night was my first encounter with DeadBabyMama Land. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't stumbled onto them. There's so much that I remember every little detail and so much that is just a big blur.
When I think about it too long, I get a little mad at myself - I mean, really how could I have not known something was wrong? For pete's sake, I was 18 wks pregnant with my 3rd child and wasn't worried that I hadn't felt ANY movement? (other than the flailing I realized later was probably him dying) I even had a doppler and I just thought it was a piece of crap that didn't work.
I'm rambling - this has just totally knocked me off center and it has surprised me. Once again, I thought I was getting to a good place and was so emotionally healthy and BAM! I'm sure I'll have more to add on his actual birthday - it really bugs me that there is no term for that day. I am determined to come up with an appropriate term for the anniversary of the day someone died.
Please also keep Liz and Michelle in your prayers this week. And Elizabeth - her journey was much longer and harder, but it all started this week too.
I can't say that I'm unhappy with the "new" me. I'm not entirely happy with some of the other things that have changed in the last year, but I can't dwell on that. All I can do is continue to thank God every day for leading and holding me through this.
I never imagined that the 1 year mark would reopen so many of the wounds that have been trying so hard to heal. Laying in bed at night, I remember laying in the u/s room like it was yesterday, I remember looking at the screen and realizing there was no heart beating, I remember the tech telling me "we have to talk . . . ", and I remember just repeating over and over "I knew it". I remember feeling so bad for my friends that had to be there for that - and I still do. I remember being numb - I still had to go pick up Ranger from school and he came home with the flu that day (he's sick today too). Mark and I went home and both got on our laptops to see what on earth would happen next. I mean this isn't really something that you have a plan for. That night was my first encounter with DeadBabyMama Land. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't stumbled onto them. There's so much that I remember every little detail and so much that is just a big blur.
When I think about it too long, I get a little mad at myself - I mean, really how could I have not known something was wrong? For pete's sake, I was 18 wks pregnant with my 3rd child and wasn't worried that I hadn't felt ANY movement? (other than the flailing I realized later was probably him dying) I even had a doppler and I just thought it was a piece of crap that didn't work.
I'm rambling - this has just totally knocked me off center and it has surprised me. Once again, I thought I was getting to a good place and was so emotionally healthy and BAM! I'm sure I'll have more to add on his actual birthday - it really bugs me that there is no term for that day. I am determined to come up with an appropriate term for the anniversary of the day someone died.
Please also keep Liz and Michelle in your prayers this week. And Elizabeth - her journey was much longer and harder, but it all started this week too.
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