Thoughts

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"God doesn't give us what we can handle; God helps us handle what we are given."

"Love life as it is . . . not as you want it."

"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you decide to see beyond the imperfections."

I came across these in a catalog I got in the mail the other day. These really are what I need to help me get through this stage I'm in - I am not happy with myself right now, I am grumpy, irritable and just no fun. I hate the way I am acting toward Mark, my kids, and everyone else around me. I feel ok inside, but I just don't want to be out of the house or around any people. As long as I am in my safe little bubble I don't feel as evil. I have been praying that God will help me see the joy in my life and help me loosen up a little - when we got up this morning, I saw that Danner had given himself another haircut, but this time it's half of his head and not just one spot! I really had to stop myself from being mad and just laugh at the moment. Baby step #1, many many more to go!!

God knows what he's doing!

I know that seems really obvious, but I have started to figure that out. Mark and I really wanted Tyler to be a girl - we even told the Dr that if he couldn't tell the sex, we wanted it to be a girl. I wanted to at least have almost had a girl for some reason. Now I am so glad Tyler was a boy. All the babies born in our family since he died have been girls. Also, everyone around us keeps telling us that we need to have a girl. Now I can nod and smile instead of saying "yeah we already did". I was thinking yesterday that I am so glad that he was a boy and thought to myself how God really knew what he was doing!

Oh and my testing all came back normal, so I guess it was just a fluke accident! I think I am relieved by that.

Zoloft and other nonrelated topics

I decided that it was time for me to wean off the Zoloft, things had been going good and I hate relying on medicine. It didn't work out so well. I turned in to a raging lunatic, every little sound, touch, or nothing made steam come out of my ears! I couldn't figure out what on earth was wrong with me - I wanted to hurt someone (not literally so don't freak out). I couldn't stand the sight of my kids or the sounds of their voices and then I was mad b/c I felt that way about them. I finally realized that it was the medication - or lack of - that was causing all that. So now after 4 days of being back on it full time, things are starting to calm down. I was really worried I was having a nervous breakdown or something, I cannot describe how awful it was. I think I'm going to give it awhile and then try lowering the daily dosage.

New baby - my last cousin is having her baby today. I get so tense and anxious when I know they are in labor, I hope that everything turns out fine and she will never know what it's like to be in this "club". At the same time, I am thinking about how I will handle this baby. Tyler wasn't due until July, but since all of my boys were early, he would have been here sometime around now. Every time I see her, I wonder if I will think about how Tyler would look or what he would be doing or will I be so happy just to see her that I won't care. I have finally wrapped my brain around the "should be" and the "would be". I know I am right where I should be, but I can't help but think where I would be if all this hadn't happened. Then I remind myself, that things may not have been so great and we may have had a worse struggle than we are having now. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. I probably would have been on medication, bedrest, and miserable for the last few weeks, labor may not have gone so good, he may not have been healthy, or so many other things. I know that I have to be happy and thankful for where the Lord has brought me, but sometimes I can't help but think of that alternate universe where things were going to be so good. In one universe, we have a newborn healthy baby, and in this one, there is no baby, life has moved on and it's almost like it never happened. There are new plans and vacations that were never supposed to be possible. But, I have to say, even without Tyler, this side of the universe isn't all that bad. I am getting to do things with the boys that I wouldn't have gotten to do otherwise.
Now I have some confessions to make - I am making them here instead of on the confessions post but I don't know why.
1. I thought about grabbing another baby. Gasp! Mark and I were out to eat after our Dr appt confirming Tyler's death. When we walked out, there was a baby in a carrier on a bench while the others were looking at a fountain. I whispered to Mark, "grab it!". Was I really going to? NO!! Did I want to? Well, yes. I understand now how someone who isn't mentally stable and has experienced a loss could snap and do something like that though.
2. I yell at my kids. I know I am probably the mom that frustrates the women w/o living babies b/c my kids drive me crazy in public and sometimes I lose it. That doesn't mean that I don't realize what a blessing they are and how lucky I am to have them, it means I am a sometimes frustrated mom who is not perfect.
3. I feel better when I take some time each day to read other DeadBabyMama blogs and read the boards for a little while. I feel bad that I am not posting as much to the other moms, but I just don't have the time to get in that frame of mind and get it all out there.
4. I have come to accept Tyler's loss and it is a part of my life. It is so hard in a conversation not to bring it up, as in "before we lost Tyler", "when I was pg with Tyler", "after we lost Tyler". These are 3 distinct periods in my life that span the last 8 months of my life. I hate that when I say something like that, people's eyes get big and it's like I've said something I'm not supposed to. Example: we were at a wedding the other night and several of my girlfriends and I were sitting around the table teasing J about needing to find a sugar daddy. One commented that she thought I had already done that (dh bought me a new car a few weeks after Tyler died). I laughed and said "No, that was a pity present, Mark just felt sorry for me". My friend next to me (who was with me at my u/s by the way) said why would he do that? I kind of just looked at her - I hadn't wanted to explain it, the dinner table at a wedding reception really isn't the place but she didn't get it. So I said "because the baby died". Her eyes got big and she just sat back in her chair and didn't say anything else. I hate the awkwardness that it brings with it.
5. And, I realized I don't call Tyler by his name when I'm talking, just "the baby". I wonder why.

Woo, that ended up being long. I think I need to get back to writing more often.
Oh, and for those of you who are questioning God or are mad at Him, He is still there with you and holding you. He doesn't cause this to happen to you. We live in an imperfect world full of horrible things. This verse is courtesy of Pastor Cecil (www.daily-e-votional.com) yesterday:
I Peter 4:12-14
"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed."
I know that sounds ridiculous, but it is true. All of us will endure suffering and loss. The only choice we have is if we look up or down.

You know, things have been going pretty good lately. I have put some distance between myself and DeadBabyMama Land and have been feeling good. I have been really busy, but maybe a little too busy. I think I may have pushed too much aside and let it build up.
Tonight I went to play Bunco with Ranger's teachers and some of their friends and there was a girl there that was very pg and I realized it didn't really bother me. So, I'm trying to be nice and social and I ask her when she's due. Just so happens that she's due on Tyler's due date. Are you kidding me?! I had to stop myself from telling her "oh that's when I was due". I can't imagine what kind of look I had on my face or what my reaction was. I managed to hold it together until it was all over and I was back in my car. I thought I was ok for a minute and then the heaving sobs hit. Mark was so great when I got home, he just held me and let me slobber and cry all over him! I really don't understand it though - I have accepted Tyler's death and am ok with it. As I was sitting down to write this, I realized it's more about me. He hasn't lost or missed out on anything. He got the great end of the deal. I lost a part of me, not only physically but otherwise. I lost my innocence and excitement and joy of a pregnancy. I will never look at a pg woman again without thinking "Lord I hope they are ok". I don't think I will ever be able to relax and enjoy the pregnancies of anyone around me - just waiting and praying that they will never have to join the club. I feel so selfish that my sadness isn't for Tyler, it's just for me. I'm sad that I missed the "fun" part, having the big belly, feeling him move around, wondering what he would look like, the excitement and anticipation, the sweetness of my boys with a baby - all that stuff. If I ever get pg again, it won't be the same. This is something that I will never get back, I think now I'm grieving that old piece of me that's gone. I want to be pg again, but I realize that I want it to be the way it was. I don't know if I want to get pg and have this dark cloud hanging over me waiting for it to happen again. I don't even know how to explain all of this, I don't even know really what it is that bothered me so much. He's gone, he's not coming back, I'm not pregnant anymore - I get it, so why am I crying?
I know that God is with me and I believe that he can heal me - maybe this is a piece He can give me back. I don't really know. On my way home, the song came on "Holy is the Lord God Almighty, worthy in the lamb, you are holy" I can't think of the rest of the words right now, but I sang and cried. I praise you in this storm God, you are holy and almighty and I trust your will and I rest in your grace.

Aahhh Fresh Air

Mark and I went for a drive after our dinner out last night - he put the top down and we rode down the interstate with the radio loud and the cool wind blowing on us. We didn't really talk, I just sat and looked around at the beauty that God has created. I love the night sky. It was so refreshing and a great time to sit and just "be".
Today, it seems like I encountered 1 thing after another trying to bring me down. It started out with seeing a 3 month old baby this morning. It has been 3 months since Tyler was born - it's not like he would be 3 months old, but it just caught me. Then a dad of one of my former students asked if I was having another baby. I just said "no" and he said "oh I must be thinking of someone else" and I said "no, it was me". He was so embarrassed and kept apologizing that he had forgotten. As much as I wanted to be hurt, irritated or whatever, I really enjoyed him feeling like an ass! He is a pretty big jerk anyway. Then we went to get the boys hair cuts and there were at least 5 pregnant women that came in and out while we were there. Then, we took Kala and her friend Lacy to lunch and they wanted to eat at Bennigan's which is where Mark and I ate when we were on our way to the hospital to deliver Tyler. After all of this, I am completely ok. There have been no tears - I feel refreshed, calm and cleansed. We even went to Babies R Us to buy a baby gift for my cousin.
Thank you God for your beauty, healing and peace!

The Shack

I read this book by William Young this weekend while we were on vacation. It explained a lot of things to me about grief and loss and God. It's about a man whose daughter is murdered and he is lost in his sadness. God calls him back to the place where she was killed and the man spends a few days walking with God, Jesus, and the Spirit. I don't know if I believe that is true or not, but the things that are written that God said made a lot of sense to me. Here is a quote that caught my attention - this is God speaking to the man
"just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes.That will only lead you to false notions of me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."
I am going to go back and spend some time re-reading it so you may hear more about it soon.

I have settled into a different type of sad over Tyler - maybe it's the light touch of sad I will always carry with me. It's a peaceful kind of sadness. I have accepted that he's gone and it's ok, but I think there will always be a little empty spot in my heart for what could have been.
Pregnant ladies are starting to bother me though,I think mostly it is caused by my exhaustion from our trip. There was a woman at Disneyland that I saw 3 or 4 times one day, I don't know why I noticed her b/c I'm sure there were a bunch more there, but I imagined that she was as far along as I should be. I don't have anger or bitterness, just that touch of sadness that it should be me too. I am hoping that this will pass when his due date has come and gone.

Comfort

I wanted to share this amazing picture my mom painted of the boys! She even carved a little "T" in the tree for Tyler. It is such a special gift, and I wanted to share it with everyone!

I haven't posted in awhile, so I have a lot to add. At church last Sunday, the preacher preached on 1 Peter 5:6-10

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care on Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered awhile, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you."

This wasn't really written in the context of a loss, but it still struck me. God will lift me up in due time and will carry my burden if I give it to him. The devil is stalking, looking for a weakness to attack in us. We have to be on the lookout for him and resist him. I am not the only one suffering with this in the world - I am not alone. After I have suffered, He will perfect, establish, strengthen and settle me. Isn't that great?!!

And this was the e-votional from yesterday -

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort over flows.”

This is why I share my journey - and I want to give God the praise and credit for what he is doing in my life! Thank you so much to everyone who reads, comments, and emails encouraging words, they really mean a lot!

Welcome to Holland

As a special ed teacher, I have seen this poem a million times related to having a child with special needs. Until Hillary posted it today, I hadn't even thought of it in the context of losing a child, but it applies there too.

Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience, to help others understand it, to imagine how it would feel. Well, it’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks, and you make your make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, Michelangelo’s David, the gondolas in Venice. You may even learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags, and off you go. Several hours later, the plane is preparing to land. And as the plane is landing, the pilot makes an announcement: “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland ?!?!” you say. “What do you mean, Holland? I signed up to go to Italy! All of my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy!”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve taken you to Holland, and there you must stay. The important thing, however, is that haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would have never met.

It’s really just a difference place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there been a while, you’ll catch your breath. And then you’ll look around and notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy going to and from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful place it is. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. Italy is what I had planned.”

The pain of that will never, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special and very lovely things about Holland.


Rocky Mountain News, October 29, 1990

Moving On

I have finally lost count of the weeks that Tyler has been gone and of how many weeks pregnant that I should be. Not to say that on my bad days I don't get out the calendar and count, but it's not a daily thought anymore. Thursdays and Mondays are just average days in the week - They pass without me noticing. I always wondered when this day would come. It didn't happen without a conscious effort. I have worked really hard and prayed often to heal my heart and try to move forward. It hasn't been easy and I know that it won't be easy for a long time, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel! One thing that has helped is that I now start my day with God (thanks for the idea Jenny) and my daily e-votional (thanks again Kristi!) It has really been uplifting for me to start my days in the right frame of mind. Today this is a quote from Pastor Cecil:
"It was a time in David’s life when he was betrayed and abandoned. Those that could have been, and should have been, supporting him had abandoned him. But there was One who was always there, and David placed his trust in Him. He took his refuge in the Rock that cannot be shaken."

He is talking about Psalm 31:1-3 and taking refuge in God. This statement struck me, because so often when dealing with a miscarriage, there are those people who aren't there for us that we think should be. I don't know how many posts I have read about that. When those that should be supporting us are not, God is there. He is always there. I want to share the link with you because Pastor Cecil has some really good things to say. Check out some of the old e-votionals from the last several months, they are really good! http://daily-e-votional.com/ I find myself wanting to repost a lot of them, so ya'll go check it out.

Haha! I just realized I had KISS on my playlist! Mark and I were looking through songs the other night and playlist was the easiest place to find what we were looking for and I guess that one accidentally got added to Tyler's playlist. Maybe he's trying to tell me he wants more rockin' music for him on here!

Puddles

I was laying in bed last night trying to figure out how to describe the down I've felt for the last few days. I know I'm not in the pit or in a hole - then the word "puddle" popped into my head. I have just been in a little puddle lately. As I was asking God to pull me up from my puddle, I remembered a little girl named Summer that I worked with while I was in college. She was 3 and had a seizure disorder. While she was playing outside, she had a seizure and fell face down in a little puddle and drowned. I realized that these little puddles can become very dangerous if I let myself stay in them too long.
I don't know why these little "aha" moments continue to surprise me. God is working in my life and guiding me through this healing process.