He did it again!

While I was writing my first post today, I was thinking of how I need to keep my eyes on God and the analogy of walking on a tight rope. As long as you look at where you are going, you do fine. It's when you look down and lose focus that you begin to fall. I didn't post that b/c a) I seem to be writing a lot of analogies that make no sense and b) I am way afraid of heights so how would I know how to walk a tightrope? Anyway, I just checked my email, and this was the daily e-votional (http://daily-e-votional.com/). I just love these little things He sends to let me know I'm on the right track. The title is "What are you looking at?" and it's based on this verse
II Corinthians 4:16-17
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”
“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Last night, I had just re-read Romans 8:18 that says our suffering here can't compare to the glory to be revealed. Isn't it awesome when all of the pieces come together?

How God Works pt 2

Here's some more good stuff on how God is working in my life - (I'll try not to get sidetracked like I did on the last post.) My mom asked for a Selah cd one Christmas. That was before my satellite radio and before I really listened to Christian music regularly so I didn't pay much attention to it. Fast forward to May when the former singer of the group lost her newborn son to SIDS. I have thought about her a lot and wondered how she was handling grieving, especially when she is so much more of a public figure. I imagined how tough it would be to face a tragedy like that and have everyone watching to see if you are grieving like a proper Christian woman should. For some reason, I only thought about it in the car and I kept wanting to google her and see if she had written anything and to see exactly what happened. A couple of weeks ago, I gave up remembering and googled from my phone. I saw there that her SIL had lost a baby a very short time before that. Wow! How horrible would that be? I know it's my worst fear to have someone close to me lose a child. I came across her blog (the SIL), but it was too hard to read it on my phone. Of course I forgot, but I finally read her blog the other night and it was AMAZING!! Right after I finished reading, I came here and a reader had posted the link to her site also. God was making sure He had all his bases covered, b/c he knows how I am! In the midst of all of this, I have been really trying to seek out a Christian perspective on all this. I let the devil sneak in and tell me that I wasn't trusting in God enough, I wasn't good enough b/c I still have all these questions blah blah blah. I was really comforted by reading blogs of other Christian women who were having the same struggles too and that it was ok. Angie's blog is so heartfelt and open and her strength is amazing - I know she doesn't see it in herself, but it is. Please go read it. Once you start, you won't be able to stop so find some time, put your feet up and get ready to cry uncontrollably and laugh at the same time. She has a true gift for writing. http://www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
Reading blogs like hers make me feel awful about my writing, but you know, I am just a mom grieving the loss of her son. I'm not a writer and I feel I am just writing what God puts on my heart. I have written before that before this, I never fully understood what it meant to have a relationship with God, to praise him always, to let him hold me and all that other stuff they talk about in church. How do I praise? What does that mean? How do I let Him hold me, when He's not physical? How do I get close to God? Ironically, this was all stuff I really started searching for while I was pregnant with Tyler (ya think it was God? I do) He put people of great faith in my path so I could see that He was capable of amazing things and things no one could imagine were possible. Since Tyler died, I have developed a relationship with God that I never could have imagined before. In my mind, I was kind of patting myself on the back for what a great Christian I have become through this. After reading Angie's blog, I realized that I have more work to do. I have to teach my boys how to have this relatioship and love with God. They go to church, memorize their verses and all of that, but I am not showing them God by the way we live daily. She really inspired me through some very precious stories of her girls to spend more time "teaching" them and showing them what it's like to love God and those around you. One thing she talked about was a question that I still have - why did God stand by and let this happen? We all know He could have healed Tyler so why didn't He? Her earth shattering answer - I don't know. I don't think we will ever know, but I trust in Him and that's all I can do. Thanks Angie and thanks to you other DBM's (DeadBabyMamas) who share your faith and your struggles so openly with me.
I know this is long - I feel like I don't have anything to say until I make myself sit down and write, then a book comes out. I'm not done, but I'm stopping and I'll finish later.

Nicol Sponberg and her family also have a blog about their son Luke (I think it's mainly her husband that writes) http://thelukesponbergfoundation.blogspot.com/
I want to share the happy parts of my life too - I do have joy, this is just the place where I can come and get all this out. I'm not the type that talks about this stuff out loud so it is great for me to be able to get it all out somewhere. My boys are a mess and here is their blog - http://shipmankids.blogspot.com/

Music

I am amazed at the way God continues to work in my life. I let Him get close and get all those warm fuzzies, then I let life get in the way and drift back. I am so thankful that lately He hasn't let me get too far away before He reminds me that He's here. I really need to work on keeping my eyes on Him and not everything happening around me.

Anyway, right after Tyler died, Mark bought me a new car that has satellite radio. I cannot tell you how many times God has used the Spirit channel to talk to me (through music :) ). It seems like every time I get in the car, there is a song playing that I really needed to hear. Lately it has been Chris Sligh's "Empty Me" and Meredith Andrew's "You're Not Alone". I've heard both of those songs tons of times and, to be honest, hadn't paid much attention to either one before. The other morning, I was brushing my teeth and the lyrics to "Empty Me" came into my mind. "Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you". When I finally heard the whole song (it came on next time I got in the car hmmm) the rest says
"everything is a lesser thing Compared to you, compared to you. Cause everything is a lesser thing Compared to you. So, I surrender all! "

I really need to surrender me and let God fill me with Him so I can get through my struggles with losing Tyler, with my marriage, and with my shortcomings as a mom. Through all of these struggles, I have also been really lonely and another song that seems like it comes on every 5 minutes is "You're Not Alone". I know that this is a tool that Satan uses against me, and I have to admit I fall for it often. Here are the lyrics"

I search for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone but you found me where I was hiding and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name singing
You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life
You cry yourself to sleep cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend and everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own but there is a sweeter song that calls you home **sayin' You're not alone
For I am here let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one that's love you all your life
All your life
Faithful and true... Forever For my love will carry you.... You're not alone for I... I am here let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life


It is God singing that to me and it brings tears to my eyes and gives me chills just listening to it. Thank you God for never leaving my side and loving me even when I can't see you (or won't).
I also came across a song by Natalie Grant called "Held" (another story of God leading me). This is the chorus, but the whole song is amazing:

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive. This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.


One more - this one I couldn't find for my playlist, but it's by Selah and the name of it is "Hold On", it is probably one of my very favorite songs.
If you feel today that you can't make it
Keep holdin' on, cause you can take it
If you hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on
If you feel it's raining all in your life
And day by day, there's nothin'
Nothin' going right
Just hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on
Hold on
You gotta hold to His hand
God's unchanging hand
You gotta hold to His hand
God's unchanging hand
You gotta build your hopes on things eternal
My God will never let you down
Weeping may endure for the night
But if you trust in Jesus
Everything's gonna be all right
Just hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on
Hold on


Can you tell I really like music? Do me a favor and stop for a minute and listen to the songs on my playlist - they are there b/c they mean something to me and I hope He will speak to you through them too.

Tyler was 1 in a million

Actually he was 1 in millions - literally. We went in and met with the high risk Dr today. He told us that if Dr Carrington wasn't such a reputable Dr, he wouldn't have believed his report. Tyler's cord was not only twisted, it was twisted so tightly that it was coming apart. He said there was no doubt that this is what caused his death and there was nothing that could have prevented it. He said he had only heard about this 1 time and it was in the back of some obscure medical journal he was reading. He said this wasn't related at all to Danner's 2 vessel cord or his cord being knotted and around his neck, and those things weren't related either. Just a bunch of random stuff that happened to randomly happen to us. He was more concerned about calcifications on Danner's head than he was anything else. (I didn't remember that). He didn't see any problems or any reason why we shouldn't try again. Preterm labor was all that he was concerned about and he said that really wasn't concerning to him because it was coming on so late in the pregnancy and we were able to go to 36 weeks. That doesn't worry me at all b/c I know I'm in good hands, I just worry about all the other stuff. He basically said to just worry about what can be fixed and let the rest of the stuff work its way out. I feel relieved knowing exactly what happened and getting a little more detail. Now what?
It's up to Mark - he doesn't want to try again and I completely understand why. I mean what sane person would want to run the risk of going through this hell again? Why would he want to put up with a freaking out hormonal woman for months to end up with a screaming pooping baby? What on earth makes me WANT to do that again? I have no idea, I keep asking myself those same questions and the only answer I can come up with is that I just do. I don't want to replace Tyler, I think I just want to go back and enjoy every minute of being pregnant and love that little baby with all my heart for no matter how long it lasts. I don't want to go out a loser. It's like coming in last place in the Olympics - no one wants to end their career like that. It makes you more determined to come back tougher and win a medal. I don't want to have any regrets.

Mess

I'm a mess right now and so is everything around me it seems. I know we have all been here before - the place where it seems that nothing is going right and life is just a mess. My kids are completely out of control, Mark is having horrible times with his work, our family isn't functioning right, and I don't know which way is up right now. I have been hit with the sadness again lately, and I know a lot of it is because of all of the stress and unrest everywhere else. I miss Tyler and I wish he was here with us. I think of all of the things we have done lately and how it "would" (I'm trying to catch those "shoulds"!) have been if he was with us. I look at the baby clothes we walk by while school shopping and am sad that we don't have our baby to shop for.
Everything with Tyler seemed so perfect - the timing, the place we were in our lives and our relationship, even the way my health insurance coverage worked out was perfect. It seemed like this was a new start for us. Mark was so excited about having a baby and I thought this was really going to bring our family closer together. All those feelings and excitement we will never get back, not even with another baby. I guess the realities of life as a DeadBabyMama are just starting to sink in.
I know this is just another dip in the rollercoaster and I'll be ok in a few days. I know that getting the kids back to school and getting us all in a routine again is what we all need right now - I think we are "summered out".

6 Months

Today is 6 months since Tyler was born. Wow, feels like a lifetime and feels like it was yesterday at the same time. I'm really in a strange place of limbo right now. Sometimes I really want to have another baby and sometimes I am too scared something will go wrong. My pregnancies with my first 2 boys weren't great - I had preterm labor with both and several other problems with Danner. Mark and I have been arguing over which one had the cord wrapped around them and it was Danner (he was right ;). I just found out it was wrapped around him twice and had a true knot in it! It is truly a miracle that he is alive. I don't know how I didn't know that before. If things had been perfect with both, I probably wouldn't hesitate, but they weren't. Then I start thinking about how fast they are growing up, my baby just turned 5! I just can't believe I'm a mom to big boys now. It's a little sad. So I don't know what's next - a baby would be nice, especially if it was alive.

6 months down . . .

6 months

Just giving an updated website for the Hopes and Hearts Run, it is .org now http://www.hopeandheartsrun.org/texas

We are coming up on 6 months since we lost Tyler. It is funny how life has gotten back to normal, but thoughts of him are always running through my head. It is so difficult to lose a baby that you have never met, there are no happy memories and funny stories about them to get you through the rough times - only those bad memories of those fateful words and of bringing a dead baby into the world. All of the what if's, coulda shoulda woulda's are all that's left. Strange how life can feel like someone is missing that was never actually "here" to begin with.

Our dog Dixie had puppies yesterday and wouldn't you know, out of 10 she killed the one that Mark really wanted to keep.

More rambling

Man I really feel like an ass. Everytime someone asked me if I wanted a boy or a girl, my answer was that I didn't really want either one. I guess that's what I got. Tyler was a surprise and I was so stressed about how I would handle 3, where we would put a baby and all the stuff that comes along, and how our lives would be tied down for the next few years. All that on top of the fact that I had a horrible feeling about this pg.
Right now, I am trying to figure out why it is exactly that I want to have another baby, and why finding out that he may have been a girl made those feelings more intense. I had kind of made my peace with not having anymore, and now having another one is all I think about. I know it's not to replace Tyler, but am I trying to feel the void he left? Is it just that it was the track I was on and the direction I was heading before it got derailed. I want to make sure that if we do decide to try again that it's for the right reason - or is there a wrong reason? I don't know.

Someone please reach out and slap me!

Ok, I did something really stupid. I made an appt with the high-risk Dr (that's not the stupid part) and my ob told me to make sure I had all the details together of my other pregnancies so we could lay it all out and know exactly what our risks and problems would be if we decided to get pg again. I called the hospital where I delivered the boys to get the records (I think one of them had the cord wrapped around his neck, but Mark and I don't agree on which one it was). Anyway, they said I could come look at the records for free and not have to pay all the fees for copies. So I went by there yesterday and they had forgotten to tell me that they would have to order the files from storage since it had been so long. Since I was there, I decided I would look at Tyer's file just to see what was in there (that's the stupid thing). I found out that he died at 15 weeks 3 days, I hadn't known that they knew exactly. Knowing the exact day he died is a little unsettling to me. I wonder what I was doing that day and if I did anything wrong. Luckily, I threw my calendar away a few months ago just so I wouldn't keep going back and try to figure out what went wrong. Also, he might have been a girl, not a boy! The pathology report said "external genitalia is indeterminate and most compatible with that of a female"! That really threw me for a loop! He's been a boy all this time, we can't just change that. Why would the Dr tell us it was a boy? I told Mark when I got home - I didn't want to tell him I went through the files, but I had to tell someone and that's not really something you call and tell your friends about! I felt better after talking to him about it though, he believes Dr Carrington and didn't seem too bothered about it.
Oh well just another unknown. Why does reading that make me want to have another baby again? I feel like I don't have anything to hold on with him (or her) anymore. Does that make any sense? uuuggghhhhh!

I do want to say thank you to everyone who reads my ramblings. I really appreciate the thoughts and comments you have shared here and other places. I love to hear that you are reading and it makes sense to you!

Hope and Hearts Run

We are participating in the Hope and Hearts run to benefit the Missing GRACE foundation. Missing GRACE Foundation's mission is to provide resources and support for families that have experienced: pregnancy loss, infant loss, infertility or adoption and to advocate for comprehensive, patient-focused prenatal care for all women. Five core areas encompass the heart of the mission: Grieve, Restore, Arise, Commemorate and Educate. I can't think of anything better to do in Tyler's memory and to make sure that this turns into a positive experience for our family. Please click on the FirstGiving Widget to donate. You can also visit my page at http://www.firstgiving.com/karashipman

Here's the site for the run (I'll be walking by the way) for more info http://hopeandheartsrun.com/texas/