Vent

Ok, after my "I'm a better person now" post, I have to vent. It really pisses me off when I'm sitting in the Dr's office trying to act normal and read all the stupid baby magazines and I read (in every single one of them) that after you've heard the baby's heartbeat, you are in the clear and have virtually no risk of miscarriage and then after 12 weeks you're pretty much home free. That is like a stab in my gut. I know that statistically speaking that is true, but someone has to be in those 3%. Someone has to be the 1 in a million. Don't they know that babies can die at any time in the pregnancy? Just b/c you've made it to 12 weeks, 24 weeks, or God forbid 40 weeks, you aren't in the clear. My logical mind knows they are just trying not to alarm all the overly emotional pregnany women, but what about us overly emotional pregnant women who lost our babies after we were "in the clear?". It just really pisses me off.

Suffering

I have been reading in Job for the last couple of weeks. I needed to be in that book, especially in light of struggles and heartbreaks some very dear friends are experiencing. It seems like the best most Godly people are suffering so much more. Why do good people have to suffer? The short answer is - I don't know. What I do know is that God is in control and that He is able to bring good from the worst of circumstances. I am 9 mos out from my loss so I think I am able to get a bigger perspective on things that I could have even 2 mos ago. It seems the farther away I get from that awful day, the deeper I am able to dig spiritually. At first, I didn't want to look for answers, I wanted comfort and I just wanted God to flat out tell me what I wanted to know. As time went on, individual scriptures caught my attention, and now I am able to find more comfort in the fact that I will be in heaven someday with Tyler and how great that will be! It's taken millions of babysteps to get here.
Job was a righteous man and very wealthy and successful. Satan suggests to God that the only reason Job is faithful to Him is because of his prosperity. God permits Satan to test it out by taking away his prosperity. When Job remains faithful, God permits Satan to bring personal suffering to Job. Job, like all of us, wanted to know why this was happening to him. He turned to his friends who all had different, and wrong, opinions.
Angie at Bring the Rain mentioned the book "What the Bible is all about Bible handbook" (I'm so excited I finally learned how to hyperlink! Can you tell?)- it's a great book that explains each book of the Bible to people like me who really don't understand what it's trying to say. Here are some things it said about Job
"1. Job tore his robe (1:20). It is worthwhile for us to learn that we are meant to feel grief. Sorrow has its use in our lives. We are told "do not make light of the Lord's discipline" but be "trained by it." (Hebrews12:5,11) . . . 2. Job recognized that loss and sorrow are the laws of life. We have to learn that all possessions are transient. We are losing something every moment. We cannot stop and weep about everything that is taken from us. We have to learn a hard lesson - that we can live on in spite of all our losses. Begin to learn while you are young that nothing is necessary but Christ."
The real conflict here was between God and Satan. "When the trials came, Job did not understand the meaning of all of his suffering. He knew it was not because he had sinned, as his friends said. He wondered what God was doing. We will not always understand what God is working out in the battleground of our hearts. But know this: there is a reason and value to everything God allows and that 'in all things God works for the good of those that love him and have been called according to his purpose' (Romans 8:28). Job proved that Satan's statement concerning God's children was a lie, that is, that they only serve Him for what they can get out of it. Don't always try to find the reason for your trials and experiences. Sometimes we will have to wait for the answer . . . We will never find the answer to all of God's dealings. We may be honest and sincere as far as it goes, as were Job's friends, but God's ways are past finding out. God never allowed the devil to prove that God blundered when He made humans by suggesting that they only serve God for what they can get out of Him."
In the end, Job falls on his face before God and repents in "dust and ashes" for questioning Him. God restores his family and wealth 2 fold. "Job found God in his trouble. Many know God as a creator and believe in His greatness, but they do not really know God. The more we understand His ways the more we will love Him and put our trust in Him."
"God has a wise purpose in all of our suffering. God wants us to show His manifold wisdom (Eph 3:10). He wants the trial of our faith to work patience. He wants to bring out the gold as by fire. He wants to reveal real character."
Do I think God is sitting up in heaven and just decides "Hmm, I think I'll take her baby today and see what happens" - no! I think the earth, nature and everything in it has been set in motion and was made imperfect by sin. Bad things happen, but I think when we come to Him and put our trust and faith in Him, that's when He is able to bring the good things out of the worst situation.
I know that I am a very different person now than I was before Tyler's death. I know that I have such a greater understanding of God and eternity now. I have peace. I'm not as afraid of things as I was before. Good things have come out of his loss. Do they make up for the pain of losing him? No way but I have learned to appreciate the rain and be doubly thankful for the sun.

Still going

I just realized I hadn't updated here in awhile. I have had so much going on in my head that I really can't get it all out. I had a few weeks where I was really anxious, but it is starting to ease up some. I'm expecting it to pick back up as we get into the time when Tyler died. This is the picture of my 7 week u/s. I had one today to do the NT measurements, but the Dr didn't give me any pictures. The high risk Dr is completely unconcerned with me and thinks that Danner's cord problems and Tyler's death are just 2 unrelated random occurrences. Which is good I guess, but doesn't make me feel much better. Baby measured right on today and nuchal fold was "average" and that's about all the info I got. I saw the heartbeating, but didn't get to hear it today. I really didn't care for this Dr, but he's the one that Dr. C said would be the best so I'll just take his word for it. He did say that my placenta is a little anterior so it will probably be awhile before I can feel good movement and it will be harder to find the hb with a doppler. Isn't that great - that was what I was counting on to ease my mind. I guess it's another way God is telling me to trust Him and that He's got everything under control.

A friend lost her twins last night and it's heartbreaking to see someone have to go down this road yet again, especially in the same year. Please keep Jenell and her husband Rob in your prayers.

Miracle of the Moment

I did it, I actually bought something for the baby and it felt good. I never bought anything for Tyler and I've always felt so guilty for that. I didn't even have to force myself, it's something I felt like I had to do.
My #s all looked good and I go in for an u/s next Wednesday - I just pray there is a live baby. I've had so many different emotions the last week - I still feel so sad for my friends that haven't been able to get pg again, especially after trying so hard, I'm scared that we'll lose this one too, I'm happy, I'm optimistic, but I'm scared to be too happy b/c I don't want to be let down again, I'm guarded and worried and did I say scared? I want to tell everyone, but then I don't want to have to go back and un-tell them. I'll get there eventually. I think this u/s will get me over the fear of an early loss.
I read a quote today that faith isn't knowing that God can, it's knowing that He will. That's the crossroads I'm at, I know He is able, I just don't know that He will. He didn't save Tyler. I do know that He will guide us through whatever comes though. I can feel Him with me all the time. It's funny, last week when I was stressing about #s and all that, I prayed for a sign and when I looked down at the radio it said "Don't Get Comfortable". That almost sent me over the edge. How mean was that?! I tried not to freak out about it and several days later that song came on again and I stopped to listen to the words and they say "Yesterday, this is not yesterday. You were standing on my shoulders now; you're standing on the edge. You've been looking for a sign all this time. I am gonna show you what I mean, I am gonna love like you've never seen, You are gonna live like you used to dream This is your new song" It made me laugh and reminded me that I have to stop and listen to Him, he doesn't usually give stuff as obvious as I thought that was. He has given me a new song and will show me a love and a life that I couldn't even dream of.
Sorry I keep talking about music and different songs all the time, but that is what gets to my soul. The song I am focusing on is "Miracle of the Moment" by Stephen Curtis Chapman (I added it to the playlist)

It’s time for letting go
All of our if only’s
‘Cause we don’t have a time machine
And even if we did
Would we really want to use it?
Would we really want to go change everything?
‘Cause we are who and where and what we are for now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about
Chorus: So breathe it in and breathe it out
Listen to your heartbeat
There’s a wonder in the here and now
It’s right there in front of you
And I don’t want you to miss
The miracle of the moment
There’s only one who knows
What’s really out there waiting
In all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is He’s out there waiting
To Him the future’s history
And He has given us a treasure called right now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about
And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
And let them soften your heart
And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
And let it go, let it go
You gotta let it go
Listen to your heartbeat

The words pretty much say it all, all I can do right now is enjoy the miracle of this very moment. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but God has given me the blessing of now and I just need to breathe and enjoy every moment. I said before I got pg that this is what I was going to do, but it is so much harder to keep out those thoughts than I thought it would be. Everyone just please keep reminding me to enjoy the moment.
The Hope and Hearts walk is coming up in a couple of weeks and I'm glad that the timing has worked out like this. Since I found out I was pg, I have distanced myself from Tyler's memory - that's really not the right words but I can't really describe it. I almost said I hadn't thought about him, but then I realized that I still do every day. I guess now I just have a hope in my heart that I didn't have before. I'm glad that my parents are coming and we are going to have that day just to honor his memory.

Good News!

After 9 tests, I have discovered that I AM PREGNANT!!! (Yes, I said 9!) I know, I was shocked too! I just can't believe it. I am so thankful to God, I feel like he really answered my prayers, but then I wonder why He hasn't answered the prayers of so many of my friends who have been trying so hard to get pregnant again. I feel guilty b/c we weren't really trying. I know I shouldn't, but I feel really bad b/c I know that everyone that gets pg so easily is another punch in the gut.
I always told myself that if I ever got pg again that I would enjoy every single minute of it. When I was pg with Tyler, I was worried about our house being too small, how the boys would handle it, how I would handle it and most of you know I wasn't very excited - I just had a really bad feeling. I am not doing that again, I want to love and enjoy this baby as long as I have it and I pray that it will be born alive and healthy.
I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not scared b/c I am terrified. I don't know why God let Tyler die so I don't know that He won't let this baby die too. I am just praying that it's His will for this baby to be ok and keep telling Satan to get away from me. I haven't called the Dr yet, I needed a few days to let it all sink in before I start worrying about numbers and all that fun stuff. I plan on calling him this week though. My Zoloft runs out tomorrow and I don't thikn this is the time to go cold turkey! I'm down to 12.5mg so I may just stay on it since stopping it does such weird things to me. Please keep us all in your prayers - I know that Mark is having a hard time being excited this time, but I completely understand.
To all my BBC friends, sorry if I drop more out of sight for awhile, I just have to stay in my happy place. And for those of you who know me in real life, this isn't something I'm ready to share with everyone yet, so it's just our little secret . . .

Ok all you computer whizzes!

How can I change just the background? I found one and saved it in photobucket, but when I add it into the html code it just turns the background white. What do I do? Ugh, I don't know what gets into me that makes me think I can do stuff like this!!

He did it again!

While I was writing my first post today, I was thinking of how I need to keep my eyes on God and the analogy of walking on a tight rope. As long as you look at where you are going, you do fine. It's when you look down and lose focus that you begin to fall. I didn't post that b/c a) I seem to be writing a lot of analogies that make no sense and b) I am way afraid of heights so how would I know how to walk a tightrope? Anyway, I just checked my email, and this was the daily e-votional (http://daily-e-votional.com/). I just love these little things He sends to let me know I'm on the right track. The title is "What are you looking at?" and it's based on this verse
II Corinthians 4:16-17
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”
“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Last night, I had just re-read Romans 8:18 that says our suffering here can't compare to the glory to be revealed. Isn't it awesome when all of the pieces come together?

How God Works pt 2

Here's some more good stuff on how God is working in my life - (I'll try not to get sidetracked like I did on the last post.) My mom asked for a Selah cd one Christmas. That was before my satellite radio and before I really listened to Christian music regularly so I didn't pay much attention to it. Fast forward to May when the former singer of the group lost her newborn son to SIDS. I have thought about her a lot and wondered how she was handling grieving, especially when she is so much more of a public figure. I imagined how tough it would be to face a tragedy like that and have everyone watching to see if you are grieving like a proper Christian woman should. For some reason, I only thought about it in the car and I kept wanting to google her and see if she had written anything and to see exactly what happened. A couple of weeks ago, I gave up remembering and googled from my phone. I saw there that her SIL had lost a baby a very short time before that. Wow! How horrible would that be? I know it's my worst fear to have someone close to me lose a child. I came across her blog (the SIL), but it was too hard to read it on my phone. Of course I forgot, but I finally read her blog the other night and it was AMAZING!! Right after I finished reading, I came here and a reader had posted the link to her site also. God was making sure He had all his bases covered, b/c he knows how I am! In the midst of all of this, I have been really trying to seek out a Christian perspective on all this. I let the devil sneak in and tell me that I wasn't trusting in God enough, I wasn't good enough b/c I still have all these questions blah blah blah. I was really comforted by reading blogs of other Christian women who were having the same struggles too and that it was ok. Angie's blog is so heartfelt and open and her strength is amazing - I know she doesn't see it in herself, but it is. Please go read it. Once you start, you won't be able to stop so find some time, put your feet up and get ready to cry uncontrollably and laugh at the same time. She has a true gift for writing. http://www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
Reading blogs like hers make me feel awful about my writing, but you know, I am just a mom grieving the loss of her son. I'm not a writer and I feel I am just writing what God puts on my heart. I have written before that before this, I never fully understood what it meant to have a relationship with God, to praise him always, to let him hold me and all that other stuff they talk about in church. How do I praise? What does that mean? How do I let Him hold me, when He's not physical? How do I get close to God? Ironically, this was all stuff I really started searching for while I was pregnant with Tyler (ya think it was God? I do) He put people of great faith in my path so I could see that He was capable of amazing things and things no one could imagine were possible. Since Tyler died, I have developed a relationship with God that I never could have imagined before. In my mind, I was kind of patting myself on the back for what a great Christian I have become through this. After reading Angie's blog, I realized that I have more work to do. I have to teach my boys how to have this relatioship and love with God. They go to church, memorize their verses and all of that, but I am not showing them God by the way we live daily. She really inspired me through some very precious stories of her girls to spend more time "teaching" them and showing them what it's like to love God and those around you. One thing she talked about was a question that I still have - why did God stand by and let this happen? We all know He could have healed Tyler so why didn't He? Her earth shattering answer - I don't know. I don't think we will ever know, but I trust in Him and that's all I can do. Thanks Angie and thanks to you other DBM's (DeadBabyMamas) who share your faith and your struggles so openly with me.
I know this is long - I feel like I don't have anything to say until I make myself sit down and write, then a book comes out. I'm not done, but I'm stopping and I'll finish later.

Nicol Sponberg and her family also have a blog about their son Luke (I think it's mainly her husband that writes) http://thelukesponbergfoundation.blogspot.com/
I want to share the happy parts of my life too - I do have joy, this is just the place where I can come and get all this out. I'm not the type that talks about this stuff out loud so it is great for me to be able to get it all out somewhere. My boys are a mess and here is their blog - http://shipmankids.blogspot.com/

Music

I am amazed at the way God continues to work in my life. I let Him get close and get all those warm fuzzies, then I let life get in the way and drift back. I am so thankful that lately He hasn't let me get too far away before He reminds me that He's here. I really need to work on keeping my eyes on Him and not everything happening around me.

Anyway, right after Tyler died, Mark bought me a new car that has satellite radio. I cannot tell you how many times God has used the Spirit channel to talk to me (through music :) ). It seems like every time I get in the car, there is a song playing that I really needed to hear. Lately it has been Chris Sligh's "Empty Me" and Meredith Andrew's "You're Not Alone". I've heard both of those songs tons of times and, to be honest, hadn't paid much attention to either one before. The other morning, I was brushing my teeth and the lyrics to "Empty Me" came into my mind. "Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you". When I finally heard the whole song (it came on next time I got in the car hmmm) the rest says
"everything is a lesser thing Compared to you, compared to you. Cause everything is a lesser thing Compared to you. So, I surrender all! "

I really need to surrender me and let God fill me with Him so I can get through my struggles with losing Tyler, with my marriage, and with my shortcomings as a mom. Through all of these struggles, I have also been really lonely and another song that seems like it comes on every 5 minutes is "You're Not Alone". I know that this is a tool that Satan uses against me, and I have to admit I fall for it often. Here are the lyrics"

I search for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone but you found me where I was hiding and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name singing
You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life
You cry yourself to sleep cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend and everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own but there is a sweeter song that calls you home **sayin' You're not alone
For I am here let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one that's love you all your life
All your life
Faithful and true... Forever For my love will carry you.... You're not alone for I... I am here let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life


It is God singing that to me and it brings tears to my eyes and gives me chills just listening to it. Thank you God for never leaving my side and loving me even when I can't see you (or won't).
I also came across a song by Natalie Grant called "Held" (another story of God leading me). This is the chorus, but the whole song is amazing:

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive. This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.


One more - this one I couldn't find for my playlist, but it's by Selah and the name of it is "Hold On", it is probably one of my very favorite songs.
If you feel today that you can't make it
Keep holdin' on, cause you can take it
If you hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on
If you feel it's raining all in your life
And day by day, there's nothin'
Nothin' going right
Just hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on
Hold on
You gotta hold to His hand
God's unchanging hand
You gotta hold to His hand
God's unchanging hand
You gotta build your hopes on things eternal
My God will never let you down
Weeping may endure for the night
But if you trust in Jesus
Everything's gonna be all right
Just hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on
Hold on


Can you tell I really like music? Do me a favor and stop for a minute and listen to the songs on my playlist - they are there b/c they mean something to me and I hope He will speak to you through them too.

Tyler was 1 in a million

Actually he was 1 in millions - literally. We went in and met with the high risk Dr today. He told us that if Dr Carrington wasn't such a reputable Dr, he wouldn't have believed his report. Tyler's cord was not only twisted, it was twisted so tightly that it was coming apart. He said there was no doubt that this is what caused his death and there was nothing that could have prevented it. He said he had only heard about this 1 time and it was in the back of some obscure medical journal he was reading. He said this wasn't related at all to Danner's 2 vessel cord or his cord being knotted and around his neck, and those things weren't related either. Just a bunch of random stuff that happened to randomly happen to us. He was more concerned about calcifications on Danner's head than he was anything else. (I didn't remember that). He didn't see any problems or any reason why we shouldn't try again. Preterm labor was all that he was concerned about and he said that really wasn't concerning to him because it was coming on so late in the pregnancy and we were able to go to 36 weeks. That doesn't worry me at all b/c I know I'm in good hands, I just worry about all the other stuff. He basically said to just worry about what can be fixed and let the rest of the stuff work its way out. I feel relieved knowing exactly what happened and getting a little more detail. Now what?
It's up to Mark - he doesn't want to try again and I completely understand why. I mean what sane person would want to run the risk of going through this hell again? Why would he want to put up with a freaking out hormonal woman for months to end up with a screaming pooping baby? What on earth makes me WANT to do that again? I have no idea, I keep asking myself those same questions and the only answer I can come up with is that I just do. I don't want to replace Tyler, I think I just want to go back and enjoy every minute of being pregnant and love that little baby with all my heart for no matter how long it lasts. I don't want to go out a loser. It's like coming in last place in the Olympics - no one wants to end their career like that. It makes you more determined to come back tougher and win a medal. I don't want to have any regrets.