Rainbows

Well, I've got a years worth of posting to do :)
Have I gotten on my soapbox about "rainbow" babies? I always hated that term, but this puts it so well. When that baby is born alive, the storm is not over!!! There is not some magical healing or transformation that takes place. For me, it reopened all my grief and everything Gunner did I wondered if Tyler would have done that, looked like that or smelled the same. I was convinced that he was going to die (PTSD anyone?)
Gunner has been a tremendous joy in our lives and having him forced me to keep move forward. My life stopped for over a year when Tyler died, but having Gunner forced me to start living again. That's what a "rainbow" does- it's immense beauty in brightness in the midst of a dark and scary time. And that brightness is now running through the house naked, covered in bubbles and trying to shoot his brothers. See? Forcing me to keep moving forward, can't stay here long

Poem

I don't blog here often enough. I have so much I want to say but it takes so much to get to that place, I find myself just pushing it away. With his 4th birthday coming up, the funk is settling in and I've been looking through notes I've saved for the blog posts I never get around to. Anyway, I found this poem and it's a good one


We cannot care for you the way we wanted, or cradle you or listen to your cry;
but separated as we are by silence, our love will not die.

We cannot watch you growing into childhood, and find a new uniqueness every day;
but special as you would have been among us, forever you still will stay.

So through the mess of anger, grief and tiredness, through tensions which are not yet reconciled,
we give to God the worship of our sorrow and you, our dear child.

Lord, in your arms which cradle all creation we rest and place our baby beyond death
believing that she now, alive in heaven, breathes with your own breath.

By John Bell

3 years

I can't believe it's been 3 years! On one hand it seems like yesterday, and on the other hand, it feels like another lifetime. (I think I say that every year, but it is so true!) I guess it kind of was another lifetime, I have changed in so many ways since that day. I never imagined this day would come - where I would be ok again. I still miss him every day but it's not crippling like it was for so long. I am so very thankful to God because I know I will hold him again someday and we will be together forever. I can't wait to hold him in my arms.

I knew I hadn't blogged in a long time, but I didn't realize there were only a couple of posts last year! There is so much on my mind, but it's so hard to take the time to just stop and reflect sometimes. It takes a lot of energy to sit down and get it all out, and frankly I just haven't had it in me.

One song I want to add to my playlist is Kenny Chesney's "Who You'd Be Today". I often wonder what it would be like if he was here. If he would look like me like Ranger and Danner do or if he would look like Mark like Gunner does. I wonder if he'd be quiet and calm (ha!) or a rootin' tootin' stinker like his brothers. We talk a lot about how crazy it would be if we still had Tyler and Gunner! I truly believe that losing him saved my soul. I have learned a lot about trusting and seeking God, but I wish it wouldn't have taken the loss of a child to do that.

Another song whose lyrics touch me is Faith Hill's "Everywhere I Am There You'll Be":

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky,

In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life

I'll keep a part of you with me

And everywhere I am there you'll be

Happy Birthday sweet boy, we miss you every day. Gunner even likes to look at your picture in the mornings!

Christmas

It's that time of year again. I don't know why Christmas is so emotional for me. Hanging his ornament on the tree is probably the most difficult moment of the year. I bought us all personalized ornaments this year and of course I got him one too.
Danner takes his star ornament off the tree, rubs it and talks about how much he wishes his brother was still here. It's heartbreaking but at the same time I am so happy that he remembers.
Even though it may seem that we've forgotten, we never have and we never will. We've just had to accept that this is our how our life is and keep on living it. Thank God for His peace and comfort that makes that possible.
Merry Christmas to all of you!


-- Posted from my iPhone

Good Thought

We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way. ~ Author unknown

This was too good not to share! I know I've been guilty of the "why me's" Why not me? I have so much I need to blog about, just can't find the time to sit down and go "there". With Tyler's birthday rapidly approaching I'm sure it won't be long before it all spills out!


-- Posted from my iPhone

Whoa

I got out the rest of the ornaments for our tree today and when I came across Tyler's, I had a total breakdown. He should be here, there should be more to him than just an ornament on the tree. I couldn't even hang it up - Ranger did it for me. I don't know where this came from, I usually don't think about it that way but it had hit me really hard this year that he's not here.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Abiding Hope Collage

Thanks Franchesca!! I love it! I have great plans for this, now I just need to figure out how to do it! haha Check her out at Abiding Hope Collages She makes these in memory of her sweet daughter Jenna Belle.

Hello again

I know it's been forever since I have blogged. I have so much I've wanted to say but just haven't had the time to sit down and go there. My Grandmommy's death has affected me a lot more that I expected. Just in that funky place of not being able to handle any crap. Anyway, I was in the Apple store getting my phone fixed today and the lady next to me was having problems with the pictures on her computer. I look up and see a picture that was obviously a dead baby. It caught me so off guard and I can't even put words to the feelings I had. She must have been a photographer b/c she was very nonchalant about it and it just didn't seem like it was hers. I wanted so much to talk to her and hear the story and tell her how precious those pictures would always be to the mom. But, of course, I didn't. I was already a mess and I knew I couldn't talk to her without crying but I really wish I could have. Just a really odd thing to be going about your day and encounter something like that.


-- Post From My iPhone

Article

I just read this on msn and thought I'd share
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32659135/ns/today-today_health/

Guilt/Anxiety

I had my tub.es tied 2 weeks ago and I feel so horrible for doing it. I don't regret it at all but there are so many of my friends who want babies so bad and aren't getting them. It's not fair. I'm somewhat embarrassed. It's one of those things that will jab someones hurting heart and I hate it. But I guess it's better than the jab would be if I got pg again and had a nervous breakdown over it! Then I found out that all this time I've only had 1 tube and the good one had endome.triosis and other stuff on it. All 4 of my kids were miracles (I already knew that in other ways). I don't think there's any way I should have gotten pg so easy. Why did I get 4 when all some people want is 1? know this probably doesn't make any sense but I had to get it off my chest. I guess I'm feeling something kind of like survivors guilt and an embarrassment of riches.
The reason I had it done can be summed up in 1 word- anxiety. I lived in constant fear of getting pg again and I just can't do it again. Anxiety seems to be my new friend these days whether it's over me, my kids, my husband or friends. I have 2 close irl friends and a bloggy friend that are pg and I am literally sick when I think about them and hoping that they are ok. Man, I need to get a grip! Life is wonderful don't get me wrong, this is just my place to let out all the deep dark stuff. Please check in on the happy side too www.shipmankids.blogspot.com


-- Post From My iPhone

Bits and Pieces

Wow! This scripure was the Daily E-votional today and it really jumped out at me.

Isaiah 30:20-21
“Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’ ”

In the days/weeks/months and now year since Tyler has been gone the Lord has really guided me. There are so many times that I had questions, doubts, or just needed encouragement He sent someone or something right into my path that was exactly what I needed. He used the Daily E-votionals, blog friends, songs, verses, sermons and friends to lead me in the way He wanted me to go. I am very blessed and thankful to be where I am today and that He opened my eyes to what He wanted me to see.

I think Gunner sees Tyler. No I'm not crazy. I believe in angels (I don't believe Tyler is an angel) and spirits. In working with special needs kids all these years, I am convinced that they see things that we can't - not in a supernatural ghost kind of way but a spiritual way. Anyway, there are times that Gunner looks off to nowhere and will smile and laugh a huge laugh. I think it's from his brother.

All the boys were in bed with me this morning - Ranger and Danner love coming in to see Gunner in the mornings. He is so happy and talkative then and the boys eat it up. This morning out of nowhere Ranger said "I'm glad Gunner didn't die!" Me too Ranger, me too.

Please pray for my friend Hannah. She lost a precious girl last year and is now pregnant with another baby girl that is not going to make it. I cannot express with words how I ache for what she's going through. It's completely devastating and so not fair. Keep her and her family in your thoughts please.

Just Wondering . . .

We spent the 4th at the lake with Mark's family and the group of babies that would have been Tylers age. There are 3 babies that were around the same age as Tyler would have been - 1 born the day after he was and 1 that was born right around the time he would have been. Those girls have brought more joy to my heart and I love to see them. This sounds creepier than it is, but it's like I get to see Tyler grow up through them. I still can't help but wonder what he would've been like - would he have been like Lily with the huge personality, or quiet and timid like Molly, or just laid back and cuddly like Klaire? Would he have been like Gunner? It's not with sadness that I wonder but more of a curiosity about him. I miss him everyday, but I am also so in love with Gunner. Those things are like oil and water it seems like. They are so conflicting and its weird and almost impossible to feel them at the same time.
Sunday is the day that was his due date and I'm surprised at how emotional this month has been for me. February is my time to remember and celebrate him and anyway, if he had lived, he wouldn't have been born in July. I wonder if the beginning of July will always suck. It's not a conscious thing, it's like my mind and body just know- kind of like the first several months they remembered before I did that it was a Thursday or a Monday.
Oh and I've solved the mystery of what to call the day the baby died - Heaven Day (I admit that I didn't make that up, I stole it from someone else but I can't remember who). It sure beats "dead baby day" and "angelversary". It may still offend the few that don't believe in heaven, but they're on their own, it's the best I can come up with! It may just be me, but I feel a huge relief to have a name for it, now if Hallmark only had a card . . .

I just realized that if Tyler had lived, his first birthday would have been somewhere around now. That's a very disconcerting thought now that Gunner is here because if Tyler were here, he wouldn't be. That overlap is hard - I love them both so much. It's so easy to get sucked into the "what ifs" - What if Tyler had lived? What if I had to choose between them? Well, he didn't and I don't. I can miss Tyler and love Gunner and shouldn't feel bad about it. This is the way it turned out, the way God planned it. Maybe that will sink in eventually, but for now I sit here and hold one baby that I have been so incredibly blessed with and am completely in love with while missing another one I love just as much and feel a little guilty (?) about both

Vent on a totally unrelated topic

Ok I'm pissed - really pissed. Well, that's not really the right word and I don't know what is. I'm sure that most of you DeadBabyMamas know exactly what I'm going to talk about, but I'm not mentioning the name because I don't want to get dragged into the drama.
I was one of the suckers that got sucked into a blog s.c.a.m. She was supposedly due the day after I was so I felt a connection to her that her life as she knew it was ending and the same time I felt mine was restarting. It was all a bunch of crap. She cruised blogs trying to recruit readers in order to increase blog traffic and as a result lots of money from her own blog. It seems like she was really paying attention to all the loss blogs because she knew exactly what to say in hers. I never doubted for a minute that it was real until it all stopped (I told you I was a sucker - big time). I even emailed her at one point to share some thoughts and scripture with her. I can't believe someone would use God in a way like that. She's got to be really sick to do something that brazen. It's just disgusting that she had thousands of people all over the world praying for her dying baby and it was all just a game.
I know my prayers weren't wasted though b/c in all my newfound "prayer wisdom" ;) I was praying for God's will to be done in this situation and I truly believe it will be. If I were her, I'd start trying to get right with Him now b/c she's in big trouble.
I just cannot believe someone would act like a Christian and talk all the talk as part of a scam. I feel horrible for everyone like me who let her in through that crack in their hearts, especially for her poor friend that she just royally screwed. They all still need prayers and I'm going to do it but it is so hard. Sick. Disgusting. Twisted. I really hope that she doesn't ever have to feel 1/2 the pain she was faking (ok, well maybe honestly sometimes I do)

And I won't even start on the poor girl who lashed out at those of us who have other children. It doesn't matter if you have 0 kids or 150, the pain of losing them is just the same and if you have 0 or 150, every situation is unique and has it's own pain. None better, none worse. There is no optimal dead baby situation. I know she was hurting and that's why she said it and that's why I'm venting her and not at her

Ugh.

Sweet Boys

While we were on our way home from school today Danner started talking about where he was when I told him Tyler was dead (he was way off, but anyway). Then they wanted to know how we knew he was dead and then Ranger said he was sad Tyler wasn't here. I told them I was too, but I am happy that we have Gunner. Danner said yeah "God sent him here fast so we could have a little brother since Tyler died and he knew we wanted a brother". I LOVE these moments with them!! We were also praying last night and I was thanking God for my 3 precious boys and Ranger corrected me and said 4. I really need to watch that because I don't want them to think that I have forgotten him.

Beautiful Song

Nicol Sponberg of the group Selah lost her son Luke to SIDS last year. She is singing a beautiful song on this video that I think will be on her solo album when it's released. Get the Kleenex, I promise you'll need it (especially if you look at the pictures and listen - I couldn't)
http://thelukesponbergfoundation.blogspot.com/2009/05/71-days.html

Came across this post today too - http://sufficientgrace-kelly.blogspot.com/2009/05/what-matters.html

One of these days when I can sleep and my brain is functioning, I may write my own post instead of stealing from everyone else! Oh well, it's good stuff anyway!

Rainbow wrapped in a rainbow. Just wanted to share this picture of Gunner wrapped in his special rainbow blanket. Thank you K, I can't think of a more perfect gift!

Here are a few things that seem to put words with how I'm feeling right now. This is a Martina McBride song that I've heard a million times and I guess the words just now caught me:

"God is great, but life ain't always good. Sometimes when I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should, but I do it anyway"

This is a quote my mom just gave me from her Beth Moore study Living Beyond Yourself " . . . their son was not theirs to keep, but the cherished things God revealed to them through his life and death belong to them forever" That is so true for me.

This is a tile I had made at http://www.engravedeuniques.com/ Kaye was absolutely wonderful to deal with. I saw the idea on Stellan's name gallery and she changed it to Tyler's name. The verse is from Psalm 139:16 and I cannot tell you how special this is to me. Please feel free to copy it and order one if you like it. She can do any kind of custom order, I just emailed her and told her what I wanted and had it within a few days!
I have so many thoughts running through my head, but don't have the time and frankly, am too exhausted to think to much or deep enough to make a coherent post about it. I'm realizing that being pregnant was a lot more mentally and emotionally draining that I had realized. I'm doing fine and am actually more content than I can ever remember feeling - I'm just really. really. tired. really. Hopefully this weekend I will be able to get on my family blog and update more about Gunner so check it out. (I painted his walls GREEN! ;)

Scattered Thoughts

The first week with Gunner was amazing! Despite his problems with jaundice and needing to be under the lights and make a few early morning Dr visits, I have loved every minute with him. I cannot tell you how great it felt to leave the hospital with a baby instead of just a box. It makes all the struggles of the last 18 months not seem as dark anymore and it feels like life has started moving again (or really that I have started moving with life again).

Now, though, fear has started creeping in again. This all seems so surreal and it scares me that something could still happen to Gunner - not that it's likely or really even in my control. He's not sleeping well at night so the other night I put him down on his tummy and almost had an anxiety attack. I just couldn't do it. The good thing is that I'm not taking anything for granted - I can't look at him or hold him enough, and no wishing away the sleepless nights and tummy aches. For the first time in my life I am content in the moment

I was holding Gunner the other day and Danner said "he reminds me of someone very special we lost" I asked who and he said Tyler. Every one in awhile they will ask if I think Tyler would have looked like him or if he would have made that face or noise. It really amazes me how much they love the brother that they never got to meet.

I've been working on this post for almost 2 weeks and it just keeps getting more random as I hear and read things I want to add. I'm going to quit trying to find the time to really sit down and get some thoughts out b/c I don't think that is going to happen any time soon. Here are a few blog posts that really have touched me recently.

"The Lord makes each of our children just as He sees fit. Some have red hair, some blonde, some have blue eyes and some brown, some have hot tempers, while others are mild mannered. Some have developmental delays, and some have physical impairments. Some are meant to stay for a long time, and others only a moment. He trusts these children, His children to us as gifts. They are not ours, but His and they each bless us in a different way and take up residence in a different part of our hearts we never knew existed. Even the children who are only with us briefly bless us with immense gifts that will never be erased or forgotten. One doesn't replace another and each one is as valuable as the next. I have been blessed FIVE times. I am still trying to wrap my mind around that and find contentment with the blessings He has bestowed upon me even when there is pain intertwined with the joy. I am learning that feeling joy for the NEW thing the Lord is doing in my life does not replace the loss that I feel daily." - http://babybolte.blogspot.com/2009/05/struggle-with-contentment.html

Gunner is here!!

Ok, sorry everyone - I thought I posted here, but I accidentally posted it on my other blog! I have no idea how to cut and paste, so I'll just give you the link! http://shipmankids.blogspot.com/2009/04/gunner-don-shipman_29.html

More about Prayer

McMama posted this about prayer today and it was too good not to share (isn't it amazing how God works?!)

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/04/why-bother-praying.html